I think single mothers are amazing. A-MAZ-ING. It’s hard enough with two, involved, supportive parents who live in the same house. That’s what I have and yet I STILL find it incredibly difficult sometimes and I bitch and moan not infrequently (cue teeny tiny violins). So my heart goes out to mothers (and fathers) who are doing it alone.
I received this email from one such mother this week, looking for some collective wisdom. Jay writes….
She has always been a bit of a challenge but she’s recently upped the ante. Its a lot of my own fault in that over the years, its been easier sometimes to give in to her demands. Mainly because I am on my own, with two children, no support and I was studying and now I’m working full time. I’m exhausted a lot of the time and that’s why I’ve given in a bit.
I’ve explained to her that she has to show me that she can behave rather than just tell me that she will but if she doesn’t get her way she flies into these vile tantrums, the most recent of which had her telling me I shouldn’t be a mummy. That really hurt. She’s told me she hates me as well which is awful. Her worst comments are about how much better daddy is. This morning I very maturely replied that its easy to be the good one when you only see your kids twice a week. I’m really ashamed that I said that but I was at the end of my rope.
I wondered if anyone had any suggestions for help? This child is so sweet and wonderful most of the time, her teachers rave about her, other parents tell me how sweet she is and sometimes she is so loving to me it brings tears to my eyes. But as the old nursery rhyme goes “..when she is bad she is horrid”. All suggestions gratefully received. Thanks.
I’m going to give link details for Relationships Australia where you can find loads of information about every kind of relationship issue (including this one) as well as contacts for good counsellors in your local area. I’m also going to open this one up for advice and input from you….
Can you relate to what Jayhay is going through? Any suggestions?
Top Comments
So what happens when parents divorce & there are several young kids involved and the woman is a full time stay at home mum? How do the assests & money get divided then? Would the man get everything because he is the breadwinner?
I am a step mum, I haven't been a single mum, so can only share what has worked for us.
My partner and I have had some firm rules in place:
1) Never say anything negative about the ex. (I, like you, exploded once and regrettably broke this rule. If you snap, you're human, and kids are resiliant. But what you want to watch out for is not getting into the habit of running the ex down constantly)
2) See it for what it is. Your kids are trying to work out if they can use this divorce for their benefit. Will it work if I play my parents against each other? Let's try it and see which parent will fall for it! Think, 'I bet DAD would buy that scooter for me!' Remind yourself that they are probably trying it at the ex's house too. If you don't react to this, and make it clear that it's not going to work, the behaviour will lesson over time.
3) With regards to the comment about you shouldn't be a mummy: kids with parents still together say nasty things, too. Deal with it the same way you would pre-separation and divorce.
4) Kids need to be able to talk about how they are feeling about the new living arrangements that come after a divorce. They also don't need to be molly-coddled through it (not suggesting that you are). Inappropriate behaviour is still inappropriate behaviour. Make no excuses for them. If we let our guilt take over and go easier when they are outright rude, the child just learns to milk the situation.
5) You NEED to start building support systems now. It's never too late. Can your ex take up some of the slack, or someone else?
I wish you all the best, it's not easy dealing with kids who've been through a break up.