If you’re a mum, you’ll know exactly what I mean about living with the mental load.
It’s the in-your-head to do list that never stops. More and more jobs are added daily, making it feel as though you’re trying to stuff a giant sleeping bag into a sack that’s too damn small.
What’s the sexiest thing in the world? Sharing the load, of course. Post continues after video.
The appointments, mufti days, library books, car servicing, excursion notes, childcare, presents, groceries, birth control, quotes, raffle tickets, home readers, hat parades, meal planning, cleaning, dog walking, bin day, nits, thank you notes, after school activities, canteen, bills, gardening, gold coin donations, play dates, holiday bookings, lunch boxes. You know, just, ALL THE THINGS.
It wasn’t until I listened to a podcast interviewing organisation and equality guru Eve Rodsky that I thought to myself, ‘When did I become the person in charge of all the things? And how do I give some of them back?’
Much of the time, us mums take on these tasks from the beginning. We get VERY GOOD at the tasks. Too good. So good that nobody else can do them ‘right’ so they don’t even try (and you don’t ask).
The Quicky discusses the solution for managing the neverending to-do list. Post continues after podcast.
You wouldn’t let your partner just ‘have a go’ at packing the nappy bag for you one day because (you are certain) you would end up at Target with a poo-covered baby and a nappy bag containing zero wipes or spare clothes.
So you just let the mental load rain down on your head. Until you find yourself driving around at 9pm looking for a red t-shirt that is PLAIN WITHOUT LOGOS for the school play and you just pull over and think, ‘Is this my life?’
Or you end up having an emotional meltdown when you see happy snaps on Facebook from a birthday party that your child was supposed to be at, but you missed it as you forgot to write it on the calendar (*raises hand*).
Why won’t we just… share?
Discussing her new book, Fair Play: Share the Mental Load, Re-balance your Relationship and Transform your Life, Rodsky suggests that to share the load with our partners we write down everything (on separate cards) that needs to be done. Like, everything.
From there, we can delegate different tasks to one of the two partners, giving clear ownership of a task from start to finish. Men tend to like this style of discussion, as there is a problem to solve and a clear resolution at the end.
Naturally, you have to make allowances for your own situation and your work commitments. There’s no point putting someone in charge of Saturday morning netball if that person has to work every Saturday morning. You’ve got to be realistic. There is a good chance that the cards won’t fall in a 50:50 split.
Even Reese Witherspoon is a fan of Rodsky’s work. On the Motherkind podcast she is quoted describing Rodsky as ‘the Marie Kondo for sorting out your life, not your drawers.’
Well if Reese can do it, so can I. My husband and I sat down after the kids had gone to bed and wrote out the to-do list for our life. The results were interesting to say the least.
It made him realise just how much invisible labour I do each day (Rodsky calls this the daily grind). Even though he is at work for much of the day and couldn’t take these cards from me, it just felt good to be recognised for the things that I do to help keep our family running smoothly.
So now, if my son can’t find his guitar before his weekly lesson (yes for real, my son loses his guitar, it’s a special gift of his) that's on me, as I’m in charge of after school activities. I was happy to put my hand up for this one as my husband doesn’t get home until 5.30pm so – logistics!
If a friend or family member’s birthday is coming up, I don’t need to stress, as my husband is in charge of presents (he is a really thoughtful gift buyer and works right near a mall). He will ensure there is tape, gift-wrap and a card too.
What does it mean for our relationship? Better communication, less resentment (because nobody can say they do ‘everything’ anymore), and more time for fun.
You can add some other, less formal task cards too. I take my ‘ice cream boss’ card very seriously and ensure the freezer is always well stocked.
Now I’ve just remembered that it’s garbage bin day tomorrow, but am I worried? Nope, not my card.
Top Comments
my expecting partner shared this with me. We're finding ways to 'do it better'... Here's what I shared with her...
'Why won’t we just… share?'
Exactly. Share. Though uh-oh, shame about the question mark. Look it up lady, sharing has an entirely different meaning. It's up to you if you take on the full load and delegate what spills over. Sounds chaotic to me, own your shit lady. Sounds to me like you insisted on travelling the hard road. You'll get no enabling sympathy form me.
'You wouldn’t let your partner just ‘have a go’ at packing the nappy bag.'
Well it's a pretty basic task achievable by most humans. Shame you marryied an escape ape from the local zoo.
'I made him realise just how much invisible labour I do each day.'
'Made', because you were being oppressed and you had to step in and make it 'right'? If he doesn't get it soon, burn another bra, send up smoke signals with his wife-beater.
Here's a positive way to share.
Talk plainly and in a supportive way, easy peasy Japanese. Imagine, dear lady, if you were the only care giver on the planet, you would do a great job, I just know it, and how wonderful it is to have you on board and rearing our child. Likewise, if I was the only soul on earth, I'd smash this child rearing biz' out of the park. So it goes without saying that together there is no other option than to make the load lighter and even more enjoyable. Together we are greater than the sum or our parts. Though if we choose to contest these positive words, if we choose to block and deviate from the long enjoyable road, then you and I dear lady have no other choice but to impose a system of bureaucracy, and what a shame that would be. Sink or swim, eek, sounds like a long hard road to me. Bureaucracies, like the one laboured over in the article above, is a cessation of energetic 'flow', time will painfully slow. Phooey to that I say! There's no magic on the arduous road. Instead, there in no "no', only, "yes, I see your magical powers and the great good you do, now what good can I do", Holy shit, now that sound like a lightly-loaded plan. You got my back babe, I got you. (insert UB40's I Got You, here)
So what is flow? Well that's best defined with examples.
Friends of mine and parents of happy kids, Paul and Helen chat in bed each night to plan out the big things and the small. Jemima and Mark simply loves the traditional male/female roles, they have no issue with her nesting and him hunting and don't listen to any ignorat nay-sayer. Andrew is happy as Larry as a stay at home dad, juggling lunches and tears, as wife Nina earns the bread. They all accept each others value and worth, so the sharing is as it should be. Sure my friends get it it wrong sometimes, but in their hears they believe in each other.
Lists are good idea, yes yes.
Write it, discuss it, act it out in a pantomime, paint your ideas and thoughts in the sky, they all sound like viable options to me, yes yes. Just go with your gut and lets see what works, just go-in with the attitude of: "I am a believer of good, the giver of faith and broad of mind, and because I am all these things, I believe my partner is doing the greatest of good. I feel our united-energy, and as I wake, I reflect on the past experiences that prove and justify my good thoughts, and I feel all this goodness long before I open my eyes and start this long and challenging and happy day."
I'll say it again, here's a vow to share with your partner:
"I am a believer of good, the giver of faith and broad of mind, and because I am all these things, I believe my partner is doing the greatest of good. I feel our united-energy, and as I wake, I reflect on the past experiences that prove and justify my good thoughts, and I feel all this goodness long before I open my eyes and start this long and challenging and happy day."
my expecting partner shared this with me. We're finding ways to 'do it better'... Here's what I shared with her...
She's a nut.
'Why won’t we just… share?'
Exactly. Share. Though uh-oh, shame about the question mark. Look it up lady, sharing has an entirely different meaning. It's up to you if you take on the full load and delegate what spills over. Sounds chaotic to me, own your shit lady. Sounds to me like you insisted on travelling the hard road. You'll get no enabling sympathy form me.
'You wouldn’t let your partner just ‘have a go’ at packing the nappy bag. '
Monkey see monkey do. Well shame on you for marrying an escape ape from the local zoo.
'I made him realise just how much invisible labour I do each day.'
'Made', because you were being oppressed and you had to step in and make it 'right'? If he doesn't get it soon, burn another bra, send up smoke signals with his wife-beater.
Share: Verb: Originates from: the believers of good, the givers of faith and the broad of mind, meaning:
Talk plainly and in a supportive way, easy peasy Japanese. Imagine, dear lady, if you were the only care giver on the planet, you would do a great job, I just know it, and how wonderful it is to have you on board and rearing our child. Likewise, if I was the only soul on earth, I'd smash this child rearing biz' out of the park. So it goes without saying that together there is no other option than to make the load lighter and even more enjoyable. Together we are greater than the sum or our parts. Though if we choose to contest these positive words, if we choose to block and deviate from the long enjoyable road, then you and I dear lady have no other choice but to impose a system of bureaucracy, and what a shame that would be. Sink or swim, eek, sounds like a long hard road to me. Bureaucracies, like the one laboured over in the article above, is a cessation of energetic 'flow', time will painfully slow. Phooey to that I say! There's no magic on the arduous road. Instead, there in no "no', only, "yes, I see your magical powers and the great good you do, now what good can I do", Holy shit, now that sound like a lightly-loaded plan. You got my back babe, I got you. (insert UB40's I Got You, here)
So what is flow? Well that's best defined with examples.
Friends of mine and parents of happy kids, Paul and Helen chat in bed each night to plan out the big things and the small. Jemima and Mark simply loves the traditional male/female roles, they have no issue with her nesting and him hunting and don't listen to any ignorat nay-sayer. Andrew is happy as Larry as a stay at home dad, juggling lunches and tears, as wife Nina earns the bread. They all accept each others value and worth, so the sharing is as it should be. Sure my friends get it it wrong sometimes, but in their hears they believe in each other.
Lists are good idea, yes yes.
Write it, discuss it, act it out in a pantomime, paint your ideas and thoughts in the sky, they all sound like viable options to me, yes yes. Just go with your gut and lets see what works, just go-in with the attitude of: "I am a believer of good, the giver of faith and broad of mind, and because I am all these things, I believe my partner is doing the greatest of good. I feel our united-energy, and as I wake, I reflect on the past experiences that prove and justify my good thoughts, and I feel all this goodness long before I open my eyes and start this long and challenging and happy day."
M
And you might have guessed Dear D, that somewhere along the line I stopped writing for you and decided to share my thoughts with the masses.