I see you. We talk politely.
I can tell that you’re not following the script. That script that is sent to your subconscious at the very moment you see those two little lines on your pregnancy test.
You know, the script that says:
“I’m the luckiest person alive.”
“You must be so happy.”
“This is such a special time, savour every moment.”
That’s okay. I didn’t follow it either.
I was afraid. I was overwhelmed. I was terrified of the irrevocable change that was barrelling my way, and I was anxious that I wasn’t up to the task.
Sometimes my anxiety would manifest in irrational ways. No-one expects a pregnant woman to be rational, which helps, but that doesn’t stop it being a rude shock when our emotions seem to run out of control. There are tears when you tell yourself that there should be joy. Arguments that 10 minutes later seemed like the terrible idea that they were. A rejection of affection and support when you need it most.
Are you stressing about things that seem unimaginably tiny to anyone else?
Are you sometimes paralysed by the fear that you’re going to be a very average mother?
Are you wondering where the hell your pregnancy glow is?
Then there are some things you need to know.
These things are not about how to cure nappy rash, or where to buy the best bottle, or how to wrap your baby so that they sleep through the night.
I have two kids and I don’t know any of those things.
But these are the things that I do know for sure.
However you’re feeling about your pregnancy, you will not be the only one who feels it.
One of the most wonderful things about parenthood is the discovery of the shared experience. You will meet women who will, after trust has been established over tales of sleepless nights and copious amounts of banana bread, tell you that they shared your pregnancy feelings.
But you might meet these women too late, which is why you need to know this right now.
10 things about pregnancy nobody tells you
1. It’s okay if your excitement is tinged with fear.
Nothing more significant will ever happen to you than what you’re about to go through. It will redefine your life. Sorry, no pressure. If you were not feeling afraid, you wouldn’t be human, never mind a mother.
2. It’s okay to be scared of change.
Sometimes being pregnant felt to me like driving a train that was veering out of control. There was no sane way of stopping or slowing what was happening to my body, my life – the changes just kept happening, every day, every week. Sometimes I’d want to slow the train down, sometimes I’d want to speed it up. You can do neither. It’s okay to be scared when you’re out of control.
There is never a good age to have kids.
3. It’s okay to be afraid that what has happened before, might happen again.
If you have lost a baby, nothing anyone can say to you will calm the dread in the pit of your stomach that it will happen again. You cannot allow yourself to be happy until milestones are reached, dates counted down. Even then. There is no easy way to deal with it other than by taking it one breath at a time, day after day, with the best support you can find.
Jaime King on the struggles and agony of 5 miscarriages
4. It’s okay to feel unprepared.
Your life has not gone away because you are pregnant. I can see in your eyes that the same pressures are there – your work, your relationship, money and health – none of this vanishes because you’re making a person. Sometimes the anxiety about everything in my life not being perfect before the baby comes would overwhelm me. But there’s no such thing as perfect. Tell yourself that, and try to believe it.
5. It’s okay to doubt yourself.
If you have never done this before, how do you know if you can do it? Lurking in your mind is the possible reality that you are going to be the world’s worst parent. That you won’t live up to the parents who brought you up, or that you’ll repeat their same, sad mistakes. You can do it. You can.
But this is the most important one of all of those:
6. It’s okay to ask for help.
‘Ask for help’ should be scrawled on the top of every pre-baby to do list, and on every new mother’s fridge. It’s the only thing you need to know to get you through. Let go of pride, let go of shame, and ASK. Ask people in your life who have your back. Talk to them about how you’re feeling. Deflect comments that aren’t helpful, and anything else that adds to the anxiety mountain.
And pick up the phone. Antenatal depression is not discussed as much as post-natal depression, but feeling sad and anxious during your pregnancy is more common than you think. Reach out to your friends, your doctor or midwife. Reach out to the Pregnancy, Birth and Baby helpline. They specialise in short-term advice for those moments when you can’t “snap out of it”.
Picking up the phone will be incredibly hard. But putting it down will be easier. Talking does that.
Be kind to yourself. It’s the biggest responsibility you have now, to make sure that you’re okay. So don’t pretend you’ve got it.
No-one needs to have everything together. But just knowing who to turn to when you feel things are falling apart? That’s what matters.
You’re going to be good. You really are.
Love, the lady upstairs.
Whatever feelings or thoughts are on your mind we’re here for you. Call Pregnancy, Birth and Baby on 1800 882 436 to speak with a qualified counsellor for confidential advice and non-judgemental support.If you would like to know more about pregnancy or caring for baby, visit www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au for online trusted information.
Top Comments
This is a good article, I dont have antenatal depression, but spent the first week after all of the excitment of Christmas settled down (I am 10 weeks) absolutly terrified, I cried in my car whilst thinking "what the hell am i doing". The thing is, my pregnancy was planned and noone tells you that you will feel these emotions that range from joy to disbelief and the taboo resentment. Its there and it will come, planned or not. I felt like teh shittiest person on the planet for that week. When I did come out of that after a friend wisely told me "this is the crappiest part of pregnance, you feel like shit, none knows that you feel like shit, you cant tell anyone why you feel like shit and yep, those thoughts will happen" I felt great. I am now nervous and excited and cant wait until my 12 week scan, for 2 reasons 1. to confirm i didnt just overinduge at christmas lunch and 2. to confirm there is a healthy baby in there. These people who tell you how woonderful it all is are hiding it, there is truly some form of fear, tepidition and anxiety about the future. Talk to a girlfriend that you trust. I spoke to my friend who has been through IVF and couldnt be happier and is 20 weeks, we shared fears, the highs and the lows, and I realised, its okay to have these feelings. One true thing that couldnt be more true.... pregnancy hormones SUCK!
I never knew that anti natal depression was even a thing until a friend had it, although I had heard a lot about post natal depression, why aren't pregnant women educated about this illness, and told to look for the symptoms, like new mothers are?