A few months ago, I was thrown into the big wide scary world of single parenting. Sadly, my story isn’t uncommon. And while it hasn’t been long, I’ve quickly learned what it’s really like to be a single mum. On that note, I have a few secret confessions to make…
1. You will be petrified about the sudden realities of raising your child alone. Note – you are not alone. Accept help because you don’t get a medal for doing this alone. You will need all the support and help you can get so drop your pride, take the help and be damn thankful.
2. Checking on your kids multiple times a night becomes normal. In the evenings, I check on my sleeping daughter at least ten times before finally going to bed myself. Yes, I check if she is breathing much like I did when she was a newborn. She is almost five.
3. This also goes for locking up at night. Now that I am the only adult in the house to check the doors and windows. I am also the one who will have to kick some ass if we get broken into. I check the doors multiple times a night before going to bed. I was never good at karate kicks!
4. During the first few months, I have lived mostly on carbs. I will sacrifice eating nutritious meals so my daughter can. Plus cooking for one is a b*tch.
5. The worry about finances, bills, school fees etc can be consuming. Wine helps – you will also discover that $5 Moscato doesn’t taste that bad after all.
6. I have learned to appreciate the little things more. You need to because they can be taken away from you in a flash. Instead of getting my daughter home from school and rushing to do dinner/bath/bed, sometimes we will go for an afternoon swim and a gelato by the beach. I realise now just how precious these moments are.
7. Your child was, is, and always will be your entire world. When you become a single parent, although you never thought they could be more important to you, suddenly they just are. In every single way.
Watch some of the Mamamia staff reveal the moment they knew it was time for a divorce. Post continues after video…
8. Communication with my ex-husband is absolute torture. I hate speaking to him and seeing his face BUT each day he and my daughter FaceTime. We keep each other updated and I have to see him at least once a week when she stays with him. I’ve learned very quickly that it’s okay to loathe him, but in my daughter’s eyes, he is her wonderful daddy. So I die quietly inside and bear it through gritted teeth. Yet I will never let her know how I truly feel towards him. She deserve an untarnished view of her dad.
9. Housework tends to wait a little longer than before. Before my husband left, every night he would arrive home to an immaculate home, candles lit, floors vacuumed and dinner cooking. Now, I do housework but don’t feel the pressure to have everything done by 6pm. It’s one of the very few perks!
10. You don’t need to be ashamed of your new single parent status. There are so many of us out there, the more you talk the more you will find in the same boat.
11. Your girlfriends will be your saving grace through it all. Thank them, be there for them too. I hate to think of what I would do without my ladies!
12. It will take you a little while to realise that you have an entire bed to yourself. It took me two months to realise that I no longer had a ‘side’ of the bed anymore but in fact, I could lay in the middle! This is also a little perk.
13. Be kind to yourself. I am still learning the art of this. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither can your new chapter in life. Baby steps.
14. Be smart. Document everything. Conversations with your ex, agreements and split payments. Every. Single. Thing. Now is not the time to be complacent.
15. And finally. Do not- I repeat- DO NOT watch romantic comedies. Do not come under the false illusion that you are okay to watch movies such as P.S I love you, The Notebook and Love Actually. You will become a crying blubbering mess, sobbing into your wine surrounded by a million snotty tissues. Take my word for it. It ain’t worth it, sister.
Much love,
The Newbie Single Mama
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Top Comments
Not just a single parent but a sole one because my children's father died, I see it a bit differently. But I agree on accepting help! And I commend you for allowing your young daughter to develop a relationship with her Dad. It is an incredible gift.
I was raised by a single mother and have to warn you off this one...
Your child was, is, and always will be your entire world.
It's really really unhealthy to give 100 per cent to your children and make them your ENTIRE world for ALWAYS.
Parenting is a process of teaching your children to become fully functioning independent adults. It's about letting go.
My mother made my sibling and I her entire world and more so when she became single. And she never stopped. She didn't keep anything for herself, she'd only ever planned to be a mother, she never planned what happened once we grew up, left home, became partnered, had careers, traveled, became parents. She found these inevitable changes agonising. Whereas, of course, our partners' parents are thrilled to see their kids thrive and make their way in life and the world, and looked forward to weddings, grandchildren etc. Saw it as their proof of a job well done raising a family. We had been my mother's entire world. She'd put us there. We were her plan for life. Motherhood defined her. She didn't do anything for herself. She never planned beyond our little family unit and being a primary care giver.
As adults, we've ended up estranged because she was over-involved, controlling, demanding, in constant contact, worried for us, emotionally manipulative, couldn't earn her own income because she hadn't studied or had a career. She breathed for us. When we pulled away, naturally, she had rages and meltdowns. She panicked. She suffocated us. It was incredibly unhealthy. We didn't look forward to speaking to her, much less seeing her. She caused us massive anxiety. Yet she is an intelligent woman.
Do not make your children the total, complete centre of your universe for always. They can always be your priority but if you don't put your own welling first. if you don't look after yourself, you won;t be able to help your children.
I know it is hard to hear, but once your youngest has hit double digits, you best have a post-mummy plan. What will your life look like 5-8 years afterwards? What have you done to move towards your next chapter? Your kids will thank you and your relationship with your adult children and your future grandchildren will be much richer for it.