It is always an interesting conversation when I tell people I am a birth doula and a death midwife in training. People understand my fascination and commitment to supporting and empowering families in birth but when it comes to death their faces change. I am often met with questions like “why on earth would you want to do that? ” or “are you morbid?”
Interestingly the word morbid suggests an unhealthy mental state or attitude to something but I would argue the unhealthy aspect of dying stems from the death-phobic trauma culture surrounding it and our failure to make friends with our own mortality.
For starters our fear of the conversation in general and the decision-making processes surrounding death.
This means we end up with morbid statistics like 70% of people wanting to die at home and only 14% of people who want the palliative home care option arranged actually getting it. Simply because many people don’t know what their options are.
I wonder what it would look like if death became a conversation we could all joyfully have and plan for together – without the fear and with the communal goal of giving our loved ones the kind of departure they want?
This week Jane Caro tweeted “ How do you want your last days on earth to be spent? You won’t get your wish if you don’t tell anyone. #deathoverdinner
What led me in part to this work (death midwifery) was my uncle’s death and his often-comical instructions. Firstly I would have liked to be by his side at the end (I know many of my family members would have) so I decided to get trained and secondly, because my family all took a little solace and some giggles from his post-it notes.
I thought about how much fun he would have had if he could have had the death conversation with us all, and delegated his end of life instructions around the dinner table.
My uncle was ready to talk about his death years before he actually passed. That is when it should have happened. I can’t help but feel like perhaps things would have been easier for him if he could have seen us involved in that process earlier. I know at the very least he would have had lots of fun delegating. I know he too would have taken some solace in knowing his final wishes would be fulfilled.
So what is the death talk we need to be having?
Simply… it is a conversation about what the end of your life looks like to you.
It is personal and just like each birth and death in this world, it should be about individual needs and impulses. I’ve compiled five points to help get you started with only one instruction… where you can have fun, have fun!
It might sound a little silly but when the time comes… if loved ones are in a situation where they can be prepared for you these are the little pieces of information that will help them turn the time into a ceremony and a celebration for you and your life. It will help to make them feel useful and you will know everybody knows what you want.
Whether decisions about these details have been made or not, my role as a doula comes in to play with the small details. The little pieces of the puzzle that when put together help support a client to prepare for birth or death.
It is my job to pay attention to the environment and the individuals desires. This might be music, lighting, a familiar blanket or communicating with family and friends. I create a safe, loving and gentle environment – a nest – a nest to give birth in or a safe warm nest to depart from in death.
Doulas hold space for needs without judgment or opinion. We do not have an idea of what the best birth or death should look like. That part is up to the individual. What we will do is support their vision.
We are the nurturers, we do not offer opinions and we do not do anything medical.
We do work with palliative care staff and as Australia’s medical system moves towards more home hospital care, the role of doulas will become more known and available in Australia. If this kind of work calls out to you I urge you to go ahead and seek the training.
A great tool for having the conversation can also be found at :
www.dyingtotalk.com.auHelp with planning go to:
www.advancedcareplanning.org.auCourses in both birth and death doula studies can be found at
www.australiandoulacollege.com.auImogen Bailey is an Australian model, actress and singer. She is also a birth and death doula.
Part of creating a safe space for death is feeling like you can choose when to die. Watch the panel of Q&A discuss voluntary euthanasia.
Top Comments
I would be very keen for there to be an explanation of what a death doula is and how they are different from a palliative care nurse? Not to pass judgement in any way - just curious so know what her role entails!
I completely agree - death is something which should be talked about and accepted rather than feared!
The word midwife means 'With woman', so unless you are only going to care for women this is not the appropriate term.
There is also a huge difference between what a midwife does and what a doula does when working with women and family's. One is a university trained medically skilled person, both are trained in supporting women and advocating for women.
Supporting people and their families through palliative care is admirable work, whatever you call it, but this is not a midwife and as a midwife is am insulted.
As a Palliative Care Nurse, I feel insulted. The model can always join one of the volunteer associations attached to hospices and palliative care wards and assist in that way. Palliative Care Nurses go to great lengths to build rapport and trust with terminally ill patients and their families.
Why is it that when "celebrities" get involved in doing these things that plenty of normal professional people do as their job every day, they seem to have an attitude that they deserve a medal or something?
Or is it a need for them to be adored?