Up until the birth of my second child, there had never been a moment in my life when I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind.
But after being deprived of anything that resembled “decent” sleep for 12 months on end, exhaustion had altered my laid-back, approachable and relatively chillaxed self into a hyper-sensitive, darty-eyed person who tended to laugh at people when they politely asked me how I was doing.
To my family, I was a raging, fragile mess at home in the evenings, living on a bunch of 45-minute sleep cycles from about 8:00pm until 6:00am. I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t feel sick with tiredness.
It took just one night collapsed on the kitchen floor with a crying, tired little bub to make me realise that no-one was winning. My partner was amazing, but unfortunately, he wasn’t lactating. I suddenly found myself angrily hissing at my child to “go the f*** to sleep”.
Yep, I just admitted that. I was desperate.
That’s the moment when I decided I needed some help.
My GP handed me a referral to a baby sleep centre in Brisbane, and I’d always trusted her judgement. But deep down, I figured it would turn out to be some kind of archaic, anti-attachment type of place where I’d be forced to leave my baby to cry in a dark room and sort himself out. No thanks.
More importantly, I told myself, that would mean I had failed to fix the problem all by myself, something that I wasn’t ready to admit. I was extremely committed to fulfilling the role I’d set out for myself — being a gentle, responsive parent — and I’d already decided that sleep training didn’t fit the brief.
On my quest to remain a “selfless” mum, I decided it was better to suffer than to train my kid to sleep in a separate room. Never mind the fact that I completely lacked the energy to enjoy being a parent.
I spoke to a psychologist with a special interest in postnatal depression. Her words resonated with me. Why do we have to choose between sucking it up, or crying it out? Wasn’t there a gentle way to help both parent and child to get some sleep?
I had never thought controlled crying was fair on babies, but co-sleeping wasn’t working at all because he was waking up constantly throughout the night.
During my four-night stint at sleep school I found the answer — responsive settling. And I haven’t looked back.
Here’s what I learnt:
The nurses at the sleep school actually cared about my baby, and my sleep deprivation wasn’t their main focus. They wanted him to self-settle, get some decent sleep and feel better. He was the patient, after all.
My baby didn’t like change, but it was ok for him to be upset. I wasn’t neglecting him. He’d known only my nipples as a way to fall asleep. That might be perfectly fine for other mums, but I couldn’t go back to that. Yes, there were tears from both of us on the first night. But I didn’t abandon him — I stayed with him in the room until he was ok, I cuddled him, I sang to him. It wasn’t my job to stop him feeling unhappy, it was my job to soothe him while he discovered that he didn’t need me in his bed to feel secure at night.
Breastfeeding was NOT the problem. That came as a relief, because my son and I weren’t ready to give up this part of our relationship just yet. I’ve always loved breastfeeding. To this day, he feeds pretty much whenever he wants to, but he doesn’t use it as a way to fall asleep.
I needed to let go of my parenting “goals” and just roll with it all. This was really hard due to my tendency to over-plan the hell out of everything in my life. But — who would have thought? — I was enough already. I didn’t need to keep reaching for something else.
It’s been three months since we graduated from baby sleep school and without a doubt, it has been the most life-altering decision I’ve ever made … other than having kids in the first place, of course.
He’s sleeping through the night now. Yep. For real. And my kids have their mum back.
In my opinion, there is only one thing more annoying than a parent whose baby sleeps like a dream, and that’s the parent who likes to lecture you about how to do it.
Honestly, that’s not what I’ve set out to do here. I just wish that a long time ago, I knew that teaching my baby to sleep was a gift to him, not just me.
This post originally appeared on ABC News.
Top Comments
I totally agree with the sentiment it is a gift to the child to teach them to self-settle and sleep on their own. Sleep school was the best thing I ever I did. My boys are 11 now and they are still great sleepers (and despite not being rocked to sleep or sleeping with me they are confident, happy, outgoing, securely attached kids). I would recommend to anyone who is really struggling
Why does our Western culture continue to torture mothers and babies by forcing them to sleep apart? We are the only culture that does it and the only culture with sleep schools. Natural synchronicity happens when mum and bub sleep together. What other species separates themselves from their baby overnight? New mums need to follow their instincts, put bub in or right next to them in bed and kick hubby out for 6 months so they can all get some sleep. As long as mum isn't drinking or drug- taking, it is a very natural arrangement carried out safely by millions of women around the world. We are also the only culture to experience cot-death. Go figure.
Whatever works for the couple
I co-sleep with my bub and he still wakes up every 2 hours! I'm going nuts. It's easier to settle him, but I still have to fully wake up to do so. Also, I'm not convinced about the 'only culture to experience cot death' myth. Having lived in a 'third world' country, most mums don't even have access to clean water or vaccinations for their bubs. Child death rates are very high. Absolutely zero research has ever been done on SIDS, so I daresay it does occur.
Many cultures experience cot death. Co sleeping is also inextricably linked with SIDS. This is backed up by sound evidence. Why do we separate from our babies? It's not 1600 where we live in tribes with extended relatives to take turns caring for the baby. There is, usually, one main caregiver and this is, usually, the mother. The mother needs sound sleep also. Often she needs to get up to go to work as well. Many women, including myself, are light sleepers. We wake at any little sound. So it was in your own bed, in your own room from day 1 for me. My sleep is just as important as my child's, if not more so. I can't care for my child, my husband, my house and my career when I'm sleep deprived. We are all much happier when I am happy. Much to the disgust of the midwives I sent my new baby to the nursery to sleep every night I was in hospital (6 nights in total due to near death complications for me. So excuse me for being 'selfish', yes a midwife said this to me, but was suspended when I reported her, and wanting to sleep) and just had them bring her to me for feeds. This meant I started motherhood at home far more rested. As for kicking husband out for six months? Our husbands are not disposable because we have had a child. This is why many marriages struggle or occasionally fail after the birth of a child. Husbands are forgotten about. Keeping your relationship as paramount is important and this means sleeping in the same bed. I'm not talking about sex, although that too is important, but maintaining the closeness and sense of belonging that sleeping together brings. Yes, in an ideal world where there was no such things as SIDS and where I was a sound sleeper that didn't wake at every murmur a child makes I would have had my baby sleep with me. But then this is not a long term solution - I don't know many people that want a 5 year old in their bed. I'm a big believer in 'start as you mean to go on'. It's a philosophy that has worked so well for me in parenting. Not just in establishing a sleep routine where my daughter was sleeping 7-7 by 10 weeks (and still is at 4 years old) but in feeding, educating, establishing sound routines etc... Of course my way won't suit everyone and that's ok. That's another reason why we don't all keep our babies in our beds, it just doesn't work for everyone.