Scrolling Facebook the other day, I saw a photo of a girlfriend’s baby.
Sonia* had posted a photo of her son, Jamie*, sharing the news that he is now three months old. The photo was taken from above, with Jamie stretched out on the floor smiling. He was in blue overalls and a tiny red shirt. He’s an undeniably cute baby boy.
However, I was perplexed by the mini-blackboard laid down beside him. With gorgeous penmanship, in stark white chalk, she had written:
Jamie at three months:
- Sleeps through the night
- Can grab toys with hands
- Rolls over
That’s right. SHE LISTED HER THREE MONTH OLD’S ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
WHY?
Seriously… why?
Knowing full well that babies don’t use Facebook, this image was carefully orchestrated for Sonia’s online followers. Mostly, I assume, other mothers.
She had over 100 likes. I call these ‘Imaginary Social Dollars’. They’re worth nothing, yet they make you feel like the richest mum in the kinder-gym. (How else will we know we’re doing a good job?)
Sonia’s post was followed by comments like, “Wow, he’s such a good boy!”, “Genius!” and “You must be so proud!”
I couldn’t help but scoff. The post’s clear intention was getting ‘likes’. It’s not like anyone was going to comment, “Duh, he’s a baby!” or dare share that their own child was sleeping through the night at two months old.
Don’t get me wrong – I love Sonia. But in this moment, I felt bad for her. The Sonia from a few years ago would have been embarrassed to post such arbitrary facts about her baby. What is this, his quarterly review?
Yes, parents collect tid-bits of information as their children grow up. Date of first haircut, first teeth and if they’re lucky, photos of the first steps. We parade them around as if they really mean something – which if we were honest, they don’t. They are natural steps in the progression of ageing. Exciting, yes. Meaningful, no.
We know children will probably walk between nine to 15 months and know their ABCs before they’re six years old. Some will learn early, others later – but deep down we know it doesn’t matter. It all works out in the end as each child develops at their individual pace.
Mothers have been parading their children around for centuries. I get that. (How many of us were forced to wear matching outfits with our siblings to look cute at family barbecues?) But times are changing. In addition to out-doing other mothers with fun school lunches, we now need to post regular updates on our children’s growth milestones?
Then there’s the other issue.
Jamie has been labelled a "Genius". In 20 years, his grandmother would say, “Oh yes! Jamie was always a bright boy.”
Poor Jamie is screwed if he isn’t walking at the date his siblings were. After all, his sister Jane*, she was walking by 10 months. Lucky for her though, she wasn’t paraded on social media. (I guess that means it’s almost like it didn’t happen?)
I’m not saying we shouldn’t document our kids’ progress. They’re the most important things in our lives and yes, it’s a highlight when they roll-over or say "mum" for the first time. I’m just questioning whether we should be posting about each tiny detail in such flashy way. As if these posts make our children superior. As if they make us better mothers.
Sonia is a Millennial mother. A mother who went out, bought a chalkboard and a new outfit for her son’s special three-month Facebook post. A mother who wrote, and re-wrote, those cursive letters on that blackboard so they looked perfect. A mother who wants approval in a visual metric, enough 'likes' and comments to help her feel she’s on track.
This post is about Sonia. Not Jamie.
At what stage do we stop mindlessly liking posts like these, and think about what else is going on?
And at what stage are we to acknowledge that in our attempts to document children’s (and I use this word loosely) accomplishments, we are actually negatively contributing the competitive environment in which our children grow up?
*Names have been changed for personal reasons.
Top Comments
I share these milestones for 2 main reasons: 1) for family and friends who don't live locally, and miss all those small but fun things about my children (for those who are interested); and 2) in years to come, the memories and photos will pop up, and I will be able to show my children what they were doing at X month's old. My son loves it when he sees pictures of himself as a baby. Yes, these milestones eventually happen to every (or almost every child), but they're still fun to recall, and when they're so little, every new thing is exciting. You don't have to like it; you don't have to read it; heck, you don't even have to be my FB friend. But parents post these things because they love their children and are proud of them regardless of when/if the milestones happen. It's not because they're being competitive. And even if thwy are being competitive, who cares? Their issue. People who are annoyed by such a small thing probably need to look at their own sense of self rather than what other people are doing. And honestly, if you are that sensitive to "competitive"/ positive posts by other people, then I would suggest that FB is not the place for you.
You cannot win these days--either you're perceived as being overly positive and a show off, or you're too negative and attention seeking. Just remember, FB is not the full story of a person, and so we cant make assumptions about a person based on what we see on FB.
In this case, maybe the mum enjoys doing calligraphy, and making the sign gave her a pleasant break from the mundane aspects of motherhood. Maybe it was for herself and, god forbid, wasn't about anyone else.
I posted such things on social media of my daughter. It took her two years of daily physio from age 1 to get her walking. She walked a week before her third birthday. She has joint hypermobility syndrome. I posted when she rolled over at 11 months. It was the only time she rolled over as a baby. She never crawled so i didn't post that. I did post when she pulled herself up and when she took her first steps and when she took 20 steps and was 'officially' walking. It took a lot of hard work from her, myself, multiple other family members and specialists to achieve this milestone. It matters. It is not insignificant. I posted when she learnt to run and skip and climb. I posted when she went in the kindergarten sports day and came last but got to the end and shouted out "Mum, I did it!" and jumped and waved. Just a few weeks ago I posted when she went to her first Auskick session. She runs slow and awkward, is hit and miss with kicking and will never be an olympic athlete. But she has spirit and guts and doesn't care that she's 'different'. I posted because I'm proud of her. I posted to celebrate her success and share it with others and I posted it so that people know that actions like walking and running, things that should be 'simple' and 'just another milestone' can actually be a very big deal. If you don't like my posts feel free to scroll past but don't tell me milestones don't matter, because they do.
Too right! Massive congratuations - not only to your daughter - but to you and your family who put in the hard yards, the physical, emotional and mental efforts (plus the research, the communication and the admin with specialists) to get her to the point she is at today. I too would feel enormously proud, reflecting back to babyhood and a time when the future wasn't as clear. Hooray!!
Absolutely! Well said.