Arguing in front of the kids. Some couples do it. Some don’t.
So, who’s right?
Actress, Laura Dern has recently told The Telegraph that she thinks it’s healthy for couples to fight in front of their children.
Dern, 47, who has two children with ex-husband Ben Harper says, “This is being human – you get angry, you get hurt, you yell and say things you don’t mean – and then you circle back and you’re accountable. Otherwise kids hit adulthood and they don’t know how to deal with conflict.”
The good news? She’s right. (You have permission to exhale deeply now).
But – there are rules. (Dammit).
Psychologist, Jo Lamble has told Mamamia there are three must-do’s for every arguing couple:
1. Ban personal attacks
2. Don’t show contempt or lack of respect for each other
3. Don’t get physical
“And – importantly,” Lamble says, “make sure the children see a resolution. It doesn’t matter how it happened. You can sort that out between yourselves. But they need to see that it’s worked out and it’s okay – that’s a normal argument. It says to your kids, “we’ve talked and we’re okay””.
If you simply don’t argue, that’s okay. But if you do and you’re saving it for ‘behind closed doors’ or once the kids are in bed, you could be doing more damage than you realise when it comes to them forming their own relationships later down the track. “If you never see your parents argue,” Jo says, “then it can be difficult for a child to learn how to ‘resolve'”.
So, how do you know if you and your partner are arguing the RIGHT way? It’s pretty hard to tell mid-conflict, right? Well, apparently it comes down to what you call it.
Ask yourself: Do you ARGUE or do you FIGHT?
There’s a difference. If you tend to use the word ‘fight’ then you’re probably making more personal attacks. If you use the word ‘argue’, you’re more likely to be having more of a ‘respectful disagreement’.
And that’s a good thing. “In some good relationships, couples fight”, Jo says, “that doesn’t mean fighting is bad”.
“Most importantly,” she says, “all of these rules are crucial – whether the kids are watching or not”.
Pretty sound advice.
Do you argue in front of your kids? How do you and your partner manage ‘disagreements’?
Top Comments
Hmm I dont know about this one. I've seen a couple in my family argue/fight with their toddler right next to them or while one of them was holding her and it looked and felt so wrong. The little girl sometimes acts slightly aggressively and I couldnt help but connect the two.
I don't understant why we no longer trust our kids to learn anything on thier own. I dont think we have to sit them down and explain or physically demonstrate every single thing they might encounter when they grow up. Kids can learn by observing people other than their parents and through their own interaction with other children, adults and just the world around them
I think though there is a big difference between a loving couple having a disagreement/argument and a couple having a nasty/aggressive/violent fight.
The few times that my husband and I have argued (unintentionally) with the kids around its not yelling, name calling, aggressive stuff. The kids were around, but not standing between or right next to us. We've disagreed, we've both got a point to make, the issue gets resolved and we move on. I think the article is pretty clear about the differences between the two and it acknowledges that nasty fighting isn't ok.
And as to your last paragraph, that's also a point the article is making, that by letting kids see this normal behaviour sometimes helps them relate to the world around them. I think it's much more healthy for kids to see that their parents can disagree and reach a resolution Rather than leave it up to some random kids brawling in the school yard to try and make that point.
It's not like they're saying you should set aside time to sit your kids down and have a barney in front of them. More that it's ok for them to see you as normal humans instead of pretending that repressing issues and pretending everything is sunshine is healthy.
Disagree! Just based on personal experience. When I was younger my parents NEVER fought in front of me, and seeing their alliance made it hard for me to rebel against them in the vteenage years...I knew I would have to take them both on. It also made me feel very secure.
Now I am married with two kids and this is still the policy. Arguments are saved from when the kids are not around. Sometimes discussions can get heated. Sometimes I don't want my children to know the adult things my husband and I discuss. Of course they will learn to deal with conflict - that's what the playground and high school are for!