Why men who get vasectomies are heroes

You guys are fiercely protective of your family jewels and for good reason –it’s a sensitive area, not only to physically but also verbally threaten. Make a joke about a kicking a guy in the balls and it’s enough to make him wince. But I have a question – since when did your “man bits” become more precious than our “lady parts”?

Why are you guys the ones complaining? You guys have got it easy– having a doodle is just way more convenient. You guys can pee standing up. Hell, you can write your names in snow. Need a check-up in the area? You can just whip it out. Ta duh! What’s up doc? For women, it’s infinitely harder. Bathroom visits take way longer and it’s NEVER acceptable to miss the bowl.

We don’t get a young nurse fondling our bits, we have (in my experience) a crusty old guy putting us on a chair, strapping us in and inspecting us with something that resembles an ice-cream scoop. Not fun fellas.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the tiny issue of CHILD BIRTH. Women define logic by pushing out something the size of a watermelon from down there and when it’s over we literally have to get stitched back up. And some of us do this several times over. Yes, I know it’s not a pretty visual, but that’s the point.

So how about giving your lady love a break? How about taking one for the team? Why do we have to be the ones taking a pill every day? Why are we the ones having panic attacks if “Aunty Flo” is late? Why do we have to feel guilty because wearing a condom “ruins it” for guys? And why do we have to be the ones getting stitched up in the last place anyone wants stitches after 9 months of feeling fat, nauseous and hormonal? It’s not really icing on the cake, is it? So if you want glorious, uninterrupted, condom-free sex but you don’t want kids how about considering a vasectomy?

Now before you go running for the door, just think about your thoughts on having children. Perhaps you’ve churned out all of your offspring already and are finished with that chapter of your life. Perhaps the thought of nappy changing makes you shudder. Perhaps you and your partner have agreed you want to adopt kids. If you don’t want kids and you don’t want to wear a condom, just consider it. Yes, there will be scissors in a place you don’t want scissors to go. But if we lay the cards on the table, I think pregnancy and childbirth trumps that hand every time.

So a few facts about vasectomy: it doesn’t affect your testosterone levels. Or your sexual performance. In fact, men who have had vasectomies have said that it makes their sex life better, because they don’t have to worry about potential pregnancy. It’s got nothing to do with increased risks of testicular or prostate cancer. And it’s not that painful. A vasectomy takes about 15 minutes to complete.

How many of you have several tattoos? That’s hours upon hours of a needle constantly penetrating your skin, going over bone…. that hurts like a mother and is also permanent. So don’t get all “what if I change my mind?” on me. (Unless you’re regretting that tatt that says “Peace” in misspelt Chinese characters…..) A vasectomy is done under local anaesthetic, two snips, two small stitches and you’re done! Okay, maybe some bruising, but nothing some ice and a cold beer can’t fix. And the benefits? No condoms if you’re in a committed STI-free relationship. No kids, if you happen to loathe the idea.

Oh and fellas, I can GUARANTEE you’ll get a world of sympathy and praise from your significant other… You’ll be the hero. Trust me. So if you want a better contraceptive than condoms and you’re sure the term “Dada” is not one you want to hear directed at you ever- or ever again -just think about having a vasectomy. That’s all I’m asking.

Matylda Buczko is a Journalism graduate with a Master’s Degree in Media and Communications. Matylda is currently the Communications Coordinator at Marie Stopes International, a global healthcare organisation that provides access to sexual and reproductive health care for the world’s most vulnerable women.

Is your bloke resisting the snip?