This one goes out to the friends and families of clean-eaters. Those noble, patient souls who must endure the broccoli-flavoured smugness of their loved ones.
Hang in there, tolerant ones. We can get through this #cleaneating, vegan, gluten-free for the sake of it, I Quit Sugar phase together – one magnificent full-fat dairy cupcake at a time.
We can’t invite people over for dinner, host a birthday picnic, go out for lunch, or check social media without coming up against someone who’s decided not to eat anything normal. We can’t talk to our unnecessarily healthy friends without hearing about every ethically sourced ingredient they’ve consumed.
It’s gone too far, and we all know it. That is no way to live.
If you’ve ever been asked if your own birthday cake is made from raw ingredients, slammed for serving sausage rolls at your kids’ party, told not to eat meat in front of a vegan, criticised for shovelling bread into your bread-hole, or schooled on the dangers of sugar just as you’re biting into a sweet muffin, this is for you.
If you’ve ever been made to feel inferior, wicked, or judged by a lettuce-eating, plankton-worshipping kale-muncher… this is for you. We normal eaters have got to stay together.
And on this, the day someone thought it was a good idea to combine a brussell sprout and a kale leaf to make a ‘Kale Lollipop’, we must take action. The time has come for us to rise up against the scourge of the Smug Eaters and reclaim our right to eat full-carb, non-brown, non-vegan pasta without guilt.
It’s time to bury our faces in mainstream gelato, gorge on steak and chips, lather our bodies in butter, melt hot cheese onto our breakfast cereal, make carb sandwiches, heat up two-day-old leftovers, and deep-fry all the zucchini flowers of the world.
We’ve gotta hit these smug clean-eating vegetable monsters where it hurts the most. We’ve gotta take down the Smug Eating movement from the inside, from its headquarters.
You know what I am talking about: Instagram.
Because we all know that without Instagram, the smug clean eaters wouldn’t have a way to document every one of their green-only meals. Without the hashtags #cleaneating #raw #paleo #green and #healthyeating, these vegetable-guzzling monsters wouldn’t have the power to make us feel filthy for eating meat, dairy, sugar, and carbohydrates. They’d tire of telling us in obscene detail, exactly what diet they’re on and why you need to follow them into their spinachy cesspit of food obsession.
I have a two-pronged plan of attack here, normal eaters.
First, we must add #smugeating to every smug photo of salad on Instagram. That’s right, it’s a full-frontal social media assault. If you ever see a kale lollipop pop up in your Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook feed, you just jump in there and add the hashtag #smugeating.
Then, we must photograph our own moderately healthy, normal-person food and add it to Instagram. We’ve got to reclaim that space and make it acceptable to eat more than one food group at a time in public. Make it pretty if you want, or leave it ugly. Let’s suck the glamour out of this #cleaneating movement together.
See you on the flipside on this Smug Eating phase, bread fans. Keep calm and eat normal.
Behold, the smugness of celebrities: