Watch late-night television and you’ll see all kinds of ridiculous products being sold through mind-numbingly repetitive infomercials.
In a moment of weakness (or temporary insanity) you might’ve fallen prey to the promise of a life-changing mop or piece of exercise equipment, but you’ve probably never considered buying the following 10 products.
Why? Because they’re bad. So bad they’re actually good.
1. Meet SmoothGroove, the solution to all your camel toe problems.
While we can acknowledge the majority of informercial inventions are amusing (imagine being in the room when an ‘entrepreneur’ is trying to pitch the idea of at-home genital dye) when it comes to products specifically designed to appeal to women, much of the marketing is intended to play on our insecurities – insecurities created by advertisers. Besides being insulting, it’s baffling to discover six of the following 10 products have been invented by women.
Here’s our list:
1. Chick Beer
This light beer comes with 97 calories, 3.5 carbs (whatever that means) and is packaged with a pink and black label with the tagline Witness the Chickness! – a feminist call to arms if you’ve ever heard one.
The “100% Chick owned” beer has a statement on their website that describes their feminist driven motives, “At Chick, we believe that women are fully capable of choosing what they want to drink.” Hmmm. Jessica Olien, a writer for xojane.com sums it up best as “the beer a Bratz doll brings to a keg party.”
Worried about your drooping derriere? Well, the makers of Booty Pop panties have got you covered. Now you too can get padded pants oh, I mean, undies that give that “bootylicious perky pop that all women want,” -all yours for the super low price of $19.95.
3. Pump Gloves
Another solution to a problem you never knew existed. The pump glove is designed to “add comfort and class to pumping gas,” by “protecting a woman’s hands and manicure from the gas, grease, grime, and germs that are never cleaned off gas station pumps and ATM machines” -or just let everyone within a 20 m radius know you have a germ phobia.
4. Rockstar Pink energy drink
Rockstar is pretty excited about their “first product designed with women in mind!”, a version of their carbonated energy drink that has “Zero sugar, zero carbs!”
The drink company haven’t just taken out the sugar and made their can pink -a colour which of course appeals to all women – they’ve also tricked up the can with accessories, “New sleek 12oz can comes with a straw so you won’t smear your lipstick!”
Presumably so we can drink it while we plait each others hair and talk about boys.
5. Kush breast support
The premise of this product isn’t to minimise your sex life, but to prevent cleavage wrinkles. Because going to bed with a phallic-loooking piece of plastic between your boobs isn’t weird at all, right?
6. My Pink Button labia dye
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never ever thought about the colour of my genitals, let alone wanted to put dye anywhere near that area. I’ll say this, porn has a lot to answer for.
7. SmoothGroove camel toe cup
It’s the answer to all your camel toe problems. SmoothGroove addresses the issue “a staggering 55% of women, irrespective of age, size or weight, experience at some point in their lives,” or if you didn’t want to splash out on the £15, you could always just stop hiking your pants up at the front.
8. Tinge Razor
It’s a razor that doubles as a vibrator. I don’t know a single woman who wouldn’t want to pleasure herself while removing body hair.
9. Rejuvenique facial mask
Believe it or not there is an upside to sitting on the couch with a 9-volt battery operated electric mask strapped to your face, and it’s not a “more toned, youthful-looking face,” it can scare away potential intruders.
10. The C-String
Because g-strings are not torturous enough (in my opinion), lets get rid of the most comfortable part of them, elastic. Designed for those days when you absolutely can not have visible panty or tan lines – yes, you can also wear it as a swimsuit.
If you ever feel yourself hovering over the click to buy button for any of these products, Times columnist and author of How To Be a Woman, Caitlin Moran has a brilliant litmus test for anything she suspects is not worth wasting time, money or energy on.
“I have a rule of thumb that allows me to judge – when time is pressing, and one needs to make a snap judgment – whether some sexist bullshit is afloat.
And it’s asking this question: ‘Are the men doing it? Are the men worrying about this as well? Is this taking up the men’s time?
Almost always, the answer is: ‘No. The boys are not being told they have to be a certain way. They’re just getting on with stuff.’“
I don’t really want to think of what the male equivalent of camel toe is, but you can be quite sure that no, the men are not shoving plastic shoehorns in their budgie smugglers to avoid it.