Kate
by KATE HUNTER
Through life, we collect gems of wisdom which act as signposts on our journey. They might come from our grandparents, our teachers or, more recently, in Facebook memes. Because she’s an old-fashioned kinda gal, Rebecca Sparrow found one in a book, and wrote about it last year:
“I heard something recently that made me stop and think. It was from Elizabeth Gilbert – the author of that mega-seller Eat Pray Love. Stop rolling your eyes. I know her book divided people into two camps. The couldn’t-put-it-down camp and the this-is-self-indulgent-drivel camp. Personally, I liked it. And I like Gilbert. So I’m watching an old TV interview with her and she’s talking about how crazy her life has been post-Eat Pray Love. And then she said, “I’ve worked out I’m my best person when I have less on my plate.”
And for whatever reason that quote resonated with me. When I’m stressed and my life is crazy busy, I’m not a great person to live with. And I think Gilbert is right – for me anyway – I am my best person when I have less on my plate. I’m less stressed. And I’m happier. Which in turn means I can give more. And instead of doing a half-assed job on a dozen things, I can give proper attention and care to say six. Okay, three.
“In our world there is still kudos gained from being ‘busy,” says Jo Basset, creator of the website Living Savvy. “There is a misbelief that busy people are important people or doing important things. In my quest to live a savvy life I endeavour to live a life that is full and filling not busy, juggled and stressed.”
Full and filling – not busy, juggled and stressed. I can’t think of a better mantra to take with me into my fortieth year. Along with an emptier plate.”
Of course, if you tried to live by ALL the fabulous, inspirational pieces of advice you hear and see, you’d end up in therapy, getting more advice. So we need to be selective.
I stopped pinning meaningful phrases above my desk a few months ago. The sheer volume was getting me down, which was defeating the purpose. I’m trying to hold just three pieces of advice in my mind.
“Put all your eggs in the family basket”
1) Put all your eggs in the family basket. This was from writer Frances Whiting. Bec (Mamamia’s Contributing Editor) told it to me when I was struggling with whether or not I could do a job. How could I decide? The pros were even Stevens with the cons – I was stressed and confused. Could I have a bet each way? The family basket advice bought clarity and simplicity to my decision.
Life isn’t a share portfolio – I’m not diversifying. Nothing offers greater returns than investments you make in your family. Of course, Bec also once talked me into having my eye makeup done at a shop at Sydney airport – not all her advice is gold.
2) Bite Off More Than You Can Chew, Then Chew Like Hell. This was from my brother in law. He’s a politician, so I normally take his advice with a fistful of salt. But I’m a procrastinator with a low boredom threshold. Unless I have a deadline and an impossible task to complete, I’ll Google ‘Funny Dog Names’. So I often take on things I shouldn’t – like signing a contract to write a novel I hadn’t started. I very nearly choked a dozen times, but I kept on chewing and somehow got it done.
3) Bust your arse. Pay Attention. Fall In Love. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld used this as a basis for a speech he first gave at a performing arts school in New York. The first two are self-explanatory – the third refers not to romantic love, but loving what you do. If you love what you do, it won’t feel like work, you’ll want to spend all your time doing it and you’ll get better and better. I might put that one back on my wall.
Just in case this is all too cosmic –Oprah-karma reach-for-the-stars for you, let me say that there are many pieces of advice I believe are crap choose to ignore.
No. Wrong.
1) If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. If something fails, I prefer to try a different way, or do something else.
2) If you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re probably right. This reminds me of the very excellent post by Stella Young, ‘We’re not here for your inspiration.’ Stella is in a wheelchair and pointed out that thinking REALLYPOSITIVELY about getting up a flight of stairs won’t help her – a ramp would be far more useful.
3) If You Can Dream It, You Can Do It. This features on gym singlets worn by hot kindy mums at drop-off. It’s also on a pony poster hanging on my nine year old daughter’s wall. I don’t want to burst my little girl’s bubble, bur she can dream all she likes – but she won’t be riding a palomino filly in a gymkhana anytime soon.
Kate Hunter is Mamamia’s contributing editor and an advertising copywriter with over 20 years experience and one Gruen Transfer appearance to her name. Kate is also the author of the Mosquito Advertising series of novels. You can buy them here.
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve heard? And what advice have you been given that makes no sense?
Comments
170 Comments so far
No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
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Treat others as you would like to be treated.
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What my grandmother used to say when any of us were overly concerned or insecure about what other people thought of us was “The only opinion that matters is the opinion of the person that pays your bills” i.e. YOU.
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‘All the darkness in the world can not put out the light of one small candle’.
and my other favourite…
‘If it didn’t rain sometimes there would never be flowers’.
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Don’t let perfect get in the way of better
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“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I’ve ended up where I need to be.”
“You need to look after yourself first if you want to look after others better.”
“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.”
“An intelligent person does not need the promise of heaven to see the merit in good deeds.”
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‘this too shall pass’.
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You can’t take money with you when you die.
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If you’re not going to be worried about it on your deathbed, don’t worry about it now.
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The days are long but the years are short (life with kids).
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Bronwyn Bishop on Kitchen Cabinet recently:
‘It’s important to learn early in your life as a little girl, as a young woman, that it’s not the most important thing in life to be liked.
Little girls… think “Oh, if I do that they won’t like me.” That’s not what you want. You want respect. Aim to do your best and earn the respect of your peers.’
— I wish I’d heard that 15 or 20 years ago. It really is most girls’ instinct to be likeable and ‘nice’.
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Never argue with an idiot, a drunk person, or about something that you don’t fully believe in….. unless you’re getting paid
Always pick your battles… chances are you will remember the fight but not what it was about
Always, always act with integrity. Even if things don’t work out for you at least you can look back with your head held high and know that you haven’t compromised your integrity
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Mine has been something along the lines of “what others think of you is more a reflection on them than it is on you.”
As a teen I used to worry what others thought of me and hearing this helped. I know what sort of person I am and if others think differently, well that’s their issue, not mine.
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Amy Poehler is my latest life guru. My favourite quote of hers right now is “I’ve always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler”. It’s not advice as such but it reminds me that we should all think of ourselves as inspirational, amazing women who our younger selves would love and want to be. When I say “I’ve always dreamed of growing up to be b” I feel seriously kick-ass. Try it!
thegoogleyear.blogspot.com.au
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“Never buy a product that claims to both shampoo and condition because it won’t do either.”- Simon Marchmont, Posh Nosh.
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I’m a worrier especially when it comes to my kids. My husband will often say to me “dont worry until there is something to worry about” … its simple advice but really helps me.
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My partner always says “don’t worry until I start worrying”. He is so wise.
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My mum, married to my dad for an eternity, gave me the best mariage related advice,
“When arguing with your husband, remember you are trying to make him understand your point of view – NOT, win an argument”
Best advice ever!
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Great advice! WIsh your mum could tell that to my mum!! She drives me bloody crazy!!
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I have quite bad anxiety which got worse during a major illness and the advice that helps me and I repeat to myself a lot is:
1. Just get through the next 5 minutes and then see how I feel.
2. Worrying about something incessantly will not really change the outcome (this helps me when I get stuck in negative thought patterns).
and this one is just good sense:
3. Carry tissues & hand sanitiser in your handbag.
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Don’t count the days, make the days count.
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I read mine in Up The Duff by Kaz Cooke (sp?) , which is about being pregnant, but I find it relates to all the relationships I have ever had; casual, fleeting, or deep.
“It’s more about them than it is about you.” Ie, if people are giving you advice, or reacting to things around them, their reaction is about their way of perceiving life, and I should not be swayed or bothered by it.
This has made me a much more confident person cos now I really don’t care what anyone else thinks about me.
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This is a really really good one.
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“When you’re going through hell, keep going”
- Winston Churchill
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them”
- Maya Angelou
“Morality cannot be legislated but behaviour can be regulated. Judicial decrees may not change the heart but they can restrain the heartless”
- Martin Luther King
“You can only lose something you have, you cannot lose something that you are”
- Eckhart Tolle
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Yes, this quote is SO true, and so many of us ignore this one to our own detriment:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them”
- Maya Angelou
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I’m not at all religious – but the parts of the serenity prayer have been helpful words.
They have helped “move on” from certain life events when I have been “stuck” in periods of self pity, resentment and lack of motivation.
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”
Also during times of difficult health issues/ fertility issues –
” there is nothing to fear but fear itself”
Helped be replace the fear with courage.
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If nothing changes, nothing changes.
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Also:
The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
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My personal favourites:
– “This too shall pass” – so cherish it if it’s a good time and wait it out if it’s a bad time.
– “If you don’t like it, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude”
– “You have a no now” – so asking or trying is the only way to get a yes.
Some real gems (many from the comments below)
– “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.”
– “Find the good in everything and everything becomes good”
– “Your mind is like a magnet – what you think about is what you attract”
– “This won’t be a big deal in a year, so don’t make it a big deal now”
– “Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
– “Don’t worry about what others are doing as long as you know you’re doing the right thing”
– “Saying thank you will get you far in life”.
– “Keep good people around you, leave bad people behind”
– “Behaviour breeds behaviour”
– “You settle for what you believe you are worth.”
– “It’s more important to be interested than interesting” – especially on dates. Turns out people love talking about themselves!
– “Actions speak louder than words”.
– “Life is only froth and bubble, two things stand like stone. Kindness in another’s troubles, courage in your own.”
– “People will forget what you said but remember how you made them feel”
– “there is always, always, always something to be thankful for”
– “never burn your bridges. You never know when you’ll come across them again”
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Like! Mamamia needs a like button for comments.
These are all fantastic quotes.
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“”We accept the love we thing we deserve”"
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There’s nothing to fear but the fear itself.
Sometimes it’s more important to be nice than right.
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“If it’s got wheels or a dick, it’s gonna give you problems.”
by Haven Maven, here, just last week
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…but somewhere between the problems, it’ll probably also give you joy
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Since reading that from Haven Maven last week, “wheels” is my new slang for dick.
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I don’t remember where I found this advice, but for some reason, I have always remembered it and kept it saved…
“Immaturity is the act of compromising yourself in an unhealthy relationship.
This isn’t rocket science and for damn sure isn’t a new revelation. Such a simple concept yet how many people do we know constantly repeat the cycle of, “man, why do my friends only go for crazy motherf***** girls?”
This leads to a few conclusions; either A, our friends are not as intelligent as we would like to think, or B, our friends are just as emotionally f***** as the people they are dating. (because who you date is a direct reflection of who you are, what you find attractive, what you find acceptable, what you’re willing to put up with and what you’re willing to be subjected to)
Maybe its you that I’m talking about. Maybe you are the moron who continually makes excuses for your boy/girlfriend. Maybe its you that perpetuates this cycle that continues to let shitheads go unchallenged. Maybe its you that secretly knows that this person isn’t worth your love yet you continually chase after that one night he kissed you goodnight under streetlights so hard it made you float back into your room to write a livejournal post about, “how amazing and perfect he is.” But he’ll never kiss you like that again, and despite all attempts of re-living that night, he will perpetually disappoint. Because that night, despite all good judgment, you idealized. You see these people as the end all be all of love, when in reality, we are simply smelly and flawed boy and girls. We refuse to see faults and flaws when most of us are smart enough to know that no one comes wrapped in a little yellow bow and that none of us shit strawberry ice cream.
So why do we continually fall for the same sh**** boy and the shitty girl rouse?
Well, that butterfly feeling in your stomach is your worst enemy. That is the feeling love makes when its storming the castle wall of common sense. That’s what it feels like when someone’s smile has gotten the best of you and conned you into thinking that he/she is everything you’ve ever wanted. And that’s where we go wrong, because that’s when we believe that someone can ‘complete’ us.
True love is when we complete ourselves, anything less is giving in, trading down and selling out.
True love is when we are mature enough to say, “No. No thank you,” to someone who, despite how they glow under the moonlight, forgets to call the next day. (P.S. No one ever really ‘forgets’, its just a sign that they don’t care as much as you would like to think they do). To say, “No, f*** you,” to the cute little rebel boy who continues to string you along and break your heart.
True love is knowing who, not only genuinely deserves, but is willing and excited to treat our love in a manner in which it deserves.
True love is not giving time to sh**** boys and shitty girls because we know we are better than that.
True love is knowing the difference between someone completing us and someone ‘complimenting’ us.
True love is someone who will not eclipse our glow, only enhance it.”
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Oh! Another one of my favourites is from a mentor of mine. It was meant in a professional context but you can apply it anywhere.
“You have a no now”.
It pretty much means…if you want something, ASK for it! Nobody is going to deliver what you want on a platter, so you usually need to ask. And the funny thing is, people hate asking. So she suggested the concept of “you have a no now”, which basically means that the answer is already no if you don’t ask the question. So why not ask?? You may get a yes! It removes a lot of the fear from making requests.
You can apply it to:
-asking for help
-asking someone on a date
-asking for a raise
-and a heap of other things!
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My best piece of advice was actually from my now-fiance. I hated hearing it for the first time but GOD it’s true.
“Life is hard.”.
Basically, he was saying that life is hard, so stop expecting it to be easy. Prepare for difficulties. Expect that things will go wrong. It might seem really grim, but it does kinda stop you from being constantly disappointed. When you accept that life is hard, you just enjoy what you have and you can make yourself happy with what you have and where you are (if that makes sense).
It’s quite reminiscent of the attitude that I think our grandparents and great-grandparents probably had. It’s quite old-school. Life is hard, so treasure the great moments when you have them. It’s the antidote to the entitled, egocentric “life is one big celebration of my fabulousness” attitude.
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You know there is a second part to that saying?
“Life is hard, and anyone who tells you different is selling something.”
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From the Princess Bride:
Buttercup: You mock my pain.
Man in Black: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
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I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!
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I don’t feel my life is all that hard really, even when my world is tough and I feel down and demotivated or stressed, compared to women in in Pakistan, Afghanistan, repressed countries in the Middle East (Yemen, for example), Africa (Chad, for example).
* Russia: has an extensive domestic violence problem, and 14,000 women die annually from abuse there, according to 2010 statistics from the U.N.
* Turkey: only 26 per cent of women of working age were employed in 2011, and 26 per cent of brides in 2010 were aged 16-19, according to the Turkish Statistical Institute.
* Mexico: rates of violence against women are extremely high, with 25 per cent suffering sexual abuse by a partner, according to Amnesty International.
* Indonesia: nearly 90 per cent of women have suffered sexual harassment in the workplace, according to the OECD.
* Saudi Arabia: women aren’t allowed to drive and were only given the right to vote in 2011.
Read about the World Economic Forum’s 2012 Global Gender Gap Report (released in October) here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/24/global-gender-gap-report-2012-best-worst-countries-women_n_2006395.html
Best countries for women? Iceland was number 1, Finland number 2 and Norway number 3. Australia is number 25.
I am having a little bit of a tough time this week – I don’t feel happy about many aspects in my life, but I have a roof over my head, clothes and shoes, a large warm bed, clean drinking water, food, my health and sanity, pets, income, a small family, friends. I have opportunities.
I haven’t had to bear genital mutilation. I am free to date and be sexual. I am allowed to work and go to school. I don’t need a man’s permission to do anything. I am allowed to drive, vote, and drink alcohol. I can listen to whatever music I please and borrow books from the library on any topic. I can access the internet (which is not censored). I can become a single parent if I want to. I can choose a religion or none at all. I don’t believe my life is hard.
Hard is:
-living in a war zone
-walking dozens of miles for a little bit of non-santised water
-having no shoes
-death by malaria
-being treated as property or chattels in marriage, particularly when underage
-the fear of being raped a daily worry
-the death of an infant being a statistical likelihood
-being stoned to death for bringing shame on a family or community
Some of my dreams haven’t eventuated but my daily survival is not a struggle.
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I agree with you, but I don’t necessarily always apply the “life is hard” saying to MY life in particular. I believe LIFE is hard, not that MY life is hard. Well, mostly.
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I always tell my son “don’t worry about what others are doing as long as you know you’re doing the right thing” and “saying thank you will get you far in life”.
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Keep good people around you
Take one day at a time
Your job won’t look after you when you are sick. Your family and friends will – keep in touch.
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Friar Lawrence in Romeo and Juliet: “Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast.”
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“Always excel never exceed” also “Never take an idiot with you,guaranteed there will be one waiting for you” and “For gods sake when you wish for something BE SPECIFIC!
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Seek the wisdom of the ages but look at the world through the eyes of a child.
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someone may not love you to way you want them to love you, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you the best way they know how.
i used to get frustrated with ex-boyfriends when they wouldn’t do certain things that i expected them to do to show me that they loved me….these days, i look at my current boyfriend, see the things he does and says and realise that they’re just his way of showing his love for me….
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“Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
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Your mind is like a magnet – what you think about is what you attract
If you always do what you have always done, then you will always get what you have always got
Always be kinder than you need to be – everybody is fighting some kind of battle
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“Alternatives exclude”.
Basically that saying yes to something automatically means saying no to something else. Makes me consider my decisions more carefully.
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My dad told me when I was 16…’Never lend your wife or your car ’cause they both come home f@#%ed! Nice huh?
I’m a girl so the wife part wasn’t helpful, but I don’t lend my car to anyone!!
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After a week of vomit, I’m so glad that I took my sister’s advice and invested in good quality waterproof fitted mattress protectors and pillow protectors.
Apart from that, when things are really shitty, I think: “how will this affect me tomorrow, next week, next year?” If it’s not going to be an issue in a week or a year’s time, is it really worth making a big deal of it now?
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As an extension of your second point, I tend to think ‘A year from now, what would I rather have done (or how would I rather have behaved)?’
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‘The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary’
‘Treat others how you want to be treated’
And my personal favourite from my mother – ‘It is always better to be overdressed than underdressed!’
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All my life, I thought the saying went “It is always better to be underdressed than overdressed” … doh!
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Always disagreed with this one. I think it’s better to treat people the way THEY want to be treated.
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“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.”
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Life’s too short to segment oranges…
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“Do not separate from or divorce your husband in the first year after having your first baby,” a friend’s Grandmother said. I replayed this pearl over and over and over, ha ha!
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Or by extension, ‘Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.’
(Nora Ephron)
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Behaviour breeds behaviour – my Year 6 teacher
You’re not IN traffic, you ARE traffic – my driving instructor
Make the most of what you have got and it will make up for what you have not – Phileus Fogg, Around the World in 80 Days
What goes around comes around/Reap what you sow/ What you put into the universe you get back threefold – there’s a reason why every major religion has a version of this – it’s the truth.
Oops, that’s 4…
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“Wherever you go, there you are” is one of my favs. You really can’t run away from yourself, no matter what.
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Hmmm, I remember my Dad had a few pearls of wisdom…
“never sh*t where you eat” and “there’s no friends in business.”
They other week I had some sound gardening advice while watching Dirt Girl with my toddler. She was speaking about fertiliser. “You can you all sorts of poo to fertilise. you can you use horse poo, chook poo, but you should NEVER use people poo!”
lol thanks for that, phew, i might have committed a gardening faux pas otherwise!
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So when I was pregnant with my first and anxious about having another miscarriage, I lived by the maxim ‘Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself: sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.’ Or, Don’t borrow trouble.
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Think before you speak.
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