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So I’m on the edge of forty. It’s a few months away but still, in the blink of an eye I’ll be catapulted into a whole new decade. But wasn’t it just yesterday I was putting on my best acid wash jeans and waistcoat, glazing my perm in industrial strength hairspray and heading to Transformers (cool Brisbane 80s nightclub) to Wang-Chung the night away? Seriously for a period of time there in the early 90s my hair was so rock hard from hairspray it doubled as a bike helmet.
Still. Here I am. Staring at 40. You know, I may be perm-free in 2011 but am I really any wiser?
Here’s the thing. Twenty years ago I seemed to have more joy in my life. Possibly because I was wagging uni lectures and hanging out at the Rec Club to see the Riptides (very cool 80s band). But there was certainly a bigger focus on joy.
I heard something recently that made me stop and think. It was from Elizabeth Gilbert – the author of that mega-seller Eat Pray Love. Stop rolling your eyes. I know her book divided people into two camps. The couldn’t-put-it-down camp and the this-is-self-indulgent-drivel camp. Personally I liked it. And I like Gilbert. Any woman who decides she’s going to hang out in Rome for three months and just eat is my kinda gal. Anyway. So I’m watching an old TV interview with Gilbert and she’s talking about how crazy her life has been post-Eat Pray Love. And then she said, “I’ve worked out I’m my best person when I have less on my plate.”
And for whatever reason that quote resonated with me. Cause you know what? I’m regularly drowning. I just can’t seem to get through my daily to do-list. And I don’t know about you but the requests just keep coming. Will I just read this primary school student’s 33,000-word novel? (Huh?) Will I organise this present? Will I volunteer on Friday? Will I? Will I? Will I? My immediate response is, “I’d love to but I really just can’t”. Weirdly, it comes out of my mouth as, “Of course I can.”
But when I’m stressed and my life is crazy busy, I’m not a great person to live with. And I think Gilbert is right – for me anyway – I am my best person when I have less on my plate. I’m less stressed. And I’m happier. Which in turn means I can give more. And instead of doing a half-assed job on a dozen things, I can give proper attention and care to say six. Okay, three.
Jo Bassett is the creator of Living Savvy, a lifestyle website that helps women achieve that work/life balance. I asked Jo for her thoughts.
“In our world there is still kudos gained from being ‘busy’. There is a misbelief that busy people are important people or doing important things. In my quest to live a savvy life I endeavour to live a life that is full and filling not busy, juggled and stressed.”
Full and filling not busy, juggled and stress. I can’t think of a better mantra to take with me into my fortieth year. Along with an emptier plate.
What is the best piece of advice you’ve heard or been given?
Comments
251 Comments so far
Oprah: “When someone shows you who they really are believe them”.
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What a great post Bec! I know how it feels for “I’d love to but I really just can’t” to come out as “Of course I can.” Luckily I have improved in this area. And Jo Bassett is so right. There is certainly a prestige or sense of acheivement about being busy and telling people our busy you are, What a great mission, to live a savvy life! I think that’s why I love being a personal conceirge so much – we get to help people live a savvy life and explore new and better ways to acheive this. Savvy – what a great word!
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‘To thine own self be true’. My mother has said this to me since before I can remember, and it has stood me in good stead through many ups and downs with family and friends. It’s not always easy, and sometimes it results in a permanent break, but it’s the only way I can live. Thank you, Shakespeare and Mum.
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“He who buys shit, pays twice”
An old boss of mine used to say this and I have lived by this for the past 15 years. I never make a purchase without this line going through my head!
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My best friend and I like to say to each other ‘hey you – you are tiny and you don’t matter’. It’s our way of saying that whatever’s bitching you now will pass and you’ll wonder why you were so upset.
We also remember to say hey you – you’re awesome.
Not so wise maybe but it helps.
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Count your blessings.
When I’m whinging about some unimportant, first world problem like the fact my husband works too much or I’m three kilos heavier than I want to be or my iPhone isn’t working properly, I try to take the time to actually count my blessings, and it’s not long until I realise just how lucky I am..
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Be yourself. Everyone else is taken – Oscar Wilde
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There’s a time for everything, but only one thing at a time.
This helps me in so many ways. To realise that we rush at the gate so often. To truly realise that to do anything properly takes time, and to realise that as long as we’re doing something, we’re failing at nothing, stemming that ever critical voice that says you should be doing this, this and this. Permission to do one thing at a time, for as long at that may take, has changed my outlook on life.
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Since I was young, one of my favourite things to do were collecting quotes and advice…and I will probably never stop…one thing that I remember was from surprise surprise eat pray love
It goes somewhere along the lines of..
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
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Besides my Mum’s sage advice that ‘for everything there is a season’, Sarah Napthali of Buddhism for Mothers has so many. But I think the words that transformed my experience as a stay at home Mum were ‘sweeping is just sweeping’.
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Trust yourself! Best best best. Always relevant for me!
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I think I saw that with EG… I liked her talking about whether EPL was the best thing in her life has already happened and “what else” would she possibly have to look forward to?
My brother shared this with me: “If you haven’t had your happy ending, it’s just because you haven’t reached the end yet.” That gives me hope…
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Safety is an illusion, danger is reality, so why bother trying to stay safe? Go out there and give it all you have got.
My previous anxiety disorder virtually dIsappeared.
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When I was living overseas last year and trying to decide whether coming back to Australia was brave or weak because I’d said I was moving for good, I came across a magazine article with one sentence that jumped right off the page and into my life:
It is OK to change your mind.
And once I gave myself permission to change my mind I realised what really mattered to ME (instead of worrying about what other people would think).
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Never pass up the opportunity to goto the bathroom.
The older we get, the better this advice becomes.
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It was during my stint of being a stay at home Mum, when we moved around from one bad rental house to another, our car was older than us, we prayed no large electrical item gave up on us and we were so stretched in finances that our family outings consisted of a packed lunch and a ride in the car to however far we could go and come back with whatever petrol we had left in the tank. I was contemplating when I should bite the bullet and get that second income back. A high powered, career woman friend of mine, who I deeply admired and sometimes was jealous of the contrasts of lives we lived told be a few home truths that really stuck with me. She said to cherish the time I could with my boys because when I got back to work I would never say “I wish I had this mortgage earlier” and if I did go back to work she guaranteed me that I would say many times “I wish I hadn’t missed that moment with my child” My children are 14 and 16 now. I took 5 years off work to be at home full time with them. I have a high management job now that I love and a great relationship with my children eventhough they are supposed to be at an age where they are monsters and I truly believe it was because I was able to spend time with them when they were small to build good, solid foundations. And she was right, I never once wished I was in my mortgage earlier and the financial tightness is never expressed in my children’s retelling of their fondest childhood memories. Just recounts of family togetherness moments.
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My dad always tells me to just ” smile and wave”
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From my grandmother:
* If a woman doesn’t watch her figure, no one else will.
* Have a career, so if your husband leaves you have something to fall back on.
* The best way to predict the future is the past (my favourite!).
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This year certainly has been tough – I found this recently and it definitely resonated:
Everything that has ever happened is perfect. It all needed to happen for us to be where we are and where we are going.
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Don’t know if it’s the best advice Mum ever gave me but it’s the most original I’ve ever heard – don’t put anything inside you that you wouldn’t put in your mouth. Yes, she was very broadminded.
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Marry a feminist.
Not sure where this came from, but it is certainly good advice.
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My wise mum always says “never buy a pie on a tuesday after a long weekend” hmmmm deep lol
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My mum always told me those who bitch to you will bitch about you. What goes around comes around. And don’t take your partner for granted. Ever.
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I read this somewhere, and it makes me giggle still! ‘never put all your eggs in one bastard’.
My father was a boxer and he used to say, ‘never let your head hit the canvas’. This means you can get knocked down, just don’t completely surrender.
I’m loving all of these quotes though.
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Never to vote Labor!
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Start as you intend to continue……. still resonates with me to this day… I think for me it means, your reputations is not an etch-a-sketch…
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Not sure where I got this one : You can’t control other people, you can only control how you respond to them. Also from Ingrid Poulsen ‘ If your map doesn’t match the terrain, get a new map’.
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-if you aim for nothing you will hit it everytime-
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The best piece of advice I was ever given, was that:
“Not everyone will like you”.
Sometimes people just won’t like you for no rational reason, and there is nothing that can be done to change that. Just be pleasant to all, and don’t worry if you aren’t instantly liked by everyone you meet.
Once I was told this, I stopped trying to make everyone like me and realised you can’t win ‘em all. Be nice without expectations!
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I have epic music playing in my head throughout my day, 2 that most come to mind are’
Never say neverrrr!!! Justin Bieber…I know, I know but it is stuck in my head
No-one can change your life except for you..don’t let anyone walk all over you, open you heart and you mind – Wilson sisters
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“If nothing changes, nothing changes”.
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Love these! so many good ones!
“If you dont like something, change it, if you cant change it change your attitiude!”
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2 pieces of advice that resonate through my brain (mainly from the number of times I heard them!):
From Dad: “If you are going to do a job, you may as well do it properly” – if you can’t tell my Dad is a perfectionist.
From Mum: “Don’t leave the room empty handed” – Simply but works extremely well!
Now my husband gets to hear both quiet regularly!
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Best advice I ever heard was Jerry Seinfeld:
“Bust your arse, pay attention, fall in love.”
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All I need to know I learned in kindergarten. Share. Play fair. Don’t lie. Say you’re sorry. Clean up your own mess. Hold hands & stick together.
Oh and do not touch what’s not yours and NEVER play with rubbish; cause it will rub off on you and make you filthy!!!!
(Stolen from a friends facebook)
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” You will find peace when you cease to want to change what has happened in the past and know that it just ‘is’”
Its good advice but hard to get there…
” Calm superiority wins, EVERY time”
Is one I can live.. to help get past the shit that gets thrown
: )
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I love: ‘Whether it’s the right time or the wrong time, the time is now.’
It always makes me think that you will never be ready for some things, but sometimes you just have to do them anyway…
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I’m a little slow to get to this but I loved this piece of advice I came across a few years ago and wish I’d been told it at 13..if the current trends don’t suit you..ignore them…just wear what suits your body shape. So much less angst in my fashion life would have been the result!
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no one can make you feelinferior without your consent
and “deep breath now put the kettle on”
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“Just keep swimming” – Dory from Finding Nemo
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Dont listen to Toney rAbbott and his Liberal/National/One Nation party!!!
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Not long before I got married an old guy at work told me that “women marry men because they think they will change and men marry women because they think they won’t change, the trouble is men never change and women always do”. I’ve remembered it everytime I’ve witnessed a relationship breakdown, and always thought it rang true. I ran into this guy today at a school assembly, he was there for grandparents day. He had a good laugh that I’d taken any notice of him at all!
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If you are unsure about making a decision, imagine throwing a coin in the air, with a decision on each side, the coin is falling and you will find your heart and gut will tell you which decision you want to see when the coin lands. It’s a shorter version of that but you get the drift…my general manager told me this and it’s helped me make some tough decisions.
Also,
Buck up little camper! (a bit condescending, a bit silly, but positive and always makes me laugh and brings a smile when I say it).
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Do or do not, there is no Try. Yoda.
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A friend said this to me when I was going through a very difficult time “sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish to live your best life”.
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My daughter is at my friend’s house today having a playing. She just rang to tell me she overheard conversation where my daughter said to her daughter: “If you can dream it, you can do it”. Pretty wise words from a 7 year old I think.
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Oh Rebecca I know exactly where you are, I just turned 40 in August and I was in serious countdown mode and looking back at my life wondering where it went, how I could have done it differently if only I knew then what I knew now……you know the internal monologue.
Anyway, to your question. I was watching Oprah one day and Mia Angelou said the most profound thing I had ever heard. “It’s none of my business what you think of me”. It stopped me in my tracks and I started to think about it for a minute and suddenly I realised that if I lived my life without worrying what every Tom, Dick and Harry thought of me I’d be much happier. And you know what? It really works
Oh, and saying ‘No’ gives you so much power!
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I like that! I want to take in on board… SOO relevant for me right now.
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Yep, or there’s the Dr Phil version: “You would worry much less what others think of you if you realised how little they do”
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I read your post yesterday Cathy and I have been thinking about it all night! I have written that Maya Angelou quote on my desktop. Love it! Thanks for sharing x
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This simple but oh so wise line was often said by my Mum (usually when my brothers and I were bickering about whose turn it was to play pacman) – “If you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”
Has helped me bite my tongue in many situations…
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Aka ‘Thumper’ from Bambi
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Learn to say No.
Somewhere in my mid to late 20s I decided that the world wasn’t going to look out for me and only I had my best interests at heart. I wasn’t going to be like my mother (a bit of a doormat). So, I learned to stop caring what other people thought of my decisions. I learned to say no if I didn’t want to do it. I learned to take that ME time.
Now, almost 20 years later, I get up and go to work. I come home, cook dinner and spend the rest of the evening doing what I want.
Weekends I do whatever I want. The world isn’t going to stop turning if I don’t make the bed today, or don’t vacuum the floor or wash that load of clothes.
Of course, it helps that the kids are now grown up. It can still be done while they are small though.
Yep, learn to say No.
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Once a water main burst late at night and our street was without water. I filled up some jugs from the hydrant tap that was made available to us and then went to check on an elderly neighbour to make sure she had water over night. Her kettle was full. She told me “my grandmother always told me to sweep the floor and fill the kettle before you go to bed.” Good advice!
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