Why are my healthy baby girls seen as not quite enough?
I am the proud mother of three beautiful, healthy daughters. I am also the doting and delighted aunty of four gorgeous, funny and clever little nieces. My mother-in-law is a grandmother to only girls – seven in total, all with ten fingers and ten toes. The women in my family are indeed lucky, we are championed by our husbands, fathers and brothers; we are proud of our families and our achievements.
However, it seems that to the world, something is missing.
When my first two daughters were born, our immediate social network felt the need to comment on the obvious lack of a son. I smiled and said that perhaps one day that would change. Then, before long, I noticed the general public dropping haphazard hints, sometimes even bleedingly obvious bombshells on my husband and I. “Oh poor daddy must feel outnumbered” and “are you going to try for a boy next?” became common threads of supermarket conversations with elderly ladies and cheery passersby alike. At first I didn’t think much of it, but as the shine of my new babies wore off and the tiredness took its toll on my body and mind, the hairs on the back of my neck began to stand on end.
Why were my healthy baby girls not quite enough? What made the combination of two daughters not sit well with others? I was thrilled, my husband over the moon, yet others had decided before they’d even investigated, that surely, we must be planning the impending birth of a son before my cervix had even returned to its usual state.
In what decade were we living where having daughters was supposed to be surpassed by the desire for a son? People’s empathic gazes were soon met with deadly evil eyes as I began to get my back up, feeling the weight of each flippant remark building up to what would soon become an inevitable tantrum.
My husband often retorted to people’s comments with defensive attacks to point out the sexist nature of their assumptions. “I’m stoked that my girls are happy and healthy,” he would say, “surely that’s enough”. It became his standard approach to the smiling passersby who clearly had no idea how offensive their tuts and head shakes were. I however would squawk at strangers “which one would you suggest I put back?” I’d ask, sometimes I’d even offend by chiming “excuse me, I didn’t realise we were still living in the ’50s”.
Top Comments
Yes of course your daughters are enough.
Why are ppl so bothered about what others think about their own personal situations? People don't go out and say stuff like that to offend your sensibilities. They say it for some way to make a human connection with you. Maybe they don't know you enough to talk about anything else but because you are both parents that's the common ground they land on.
Maybe teach your kids that people are essentially good and not out to offend. That would be a useful lesson out of this silly ranting article.
Tip: You cannot control what others think and do. It's also a good lesson for your kids to learn.
"Maybe teach your kids that people are essentially good and not out to offend. That would be a useful lesson out of this silly ranting article.
Tip: You cannot control what others think and do. It's also a good lesson for your kids to learn."
Hear hear. Some people really are just looking for things by which to be offended. I mean, it's just commonplace small-talk, one of the few subjects you are still allowed to talk about with a stranger when you don't know them.
The writer of this article is on par with someone who claims victimhood because they (as a college-aged person) get asked where they go and what they study, saying that it's disrespectful to their socioeconomic status of not being able to afford higher education, or whingeing about people asking them what sports they're into when they actually dislike sports..
I mean sure, something like that can be annoying, but you're not being made a victim, you just don't fit the common small-talk subjects in that culture. It could even progress from annoying to upsetting, say if you have infertility issues and people ask (unknowingly) about when/if you're having kids - but even then, they are not victimising you, they are not being offensive, they just don't know your situation and are trying to be friendly. Being much worse than the situation described in the article, even that's not a justification for chewing out acquaintances for their 'thoughtless' remarks (i.e., small-talk). Get a grip...
You name me ANY subject for polite conversation with a new acquaintance, and I'll name you a professional victim who'll get their back up over it, and try to sell themselves as the next Rosa Parks (you know, someone who dealt with *actual* persecution and offence).
I am 1 of 4 boys. My mother had 4 brothers, no sisters and now has 3 grandsons, she is surrounded by boys... she is constantly being asked about a grand daughter.
She is in the exact position as you, but for a reverse in genetics. Her story, and yours is by no means a victim of any sort of sexual prejudice nor privilege.
Despite the fact that you seem to want to be a victim, you are not. This whole things is not a question of "are my girls are not good enough?" it really isn't. Its actually has nothing to do the gender of the people surrounding you... It's a topic of friendly discussion, a mere observation to proceed with a conversation with you. If anything, they are being friendly to you.
Stop looking for things to claim that you are being victimised by. This "Ultra Victim" attitude a lot of people have now is taking the spot light off the real issues of gender inequality. This is the "little in stature, none gender specific, none defined sexual preference, low in years since birth, upright walking mamal" who cried wolf (you see how ridiculous this is getting? ).
The biggest problem with articles like this is that eventually, when a real issue arises, people wont listen because they will presume its just another over the top reaction to what should have been seen as an innocent conversation starter.
You obviously have never experienced this before, but for same-gendered families this is very very real. It's more than just conversation. People judge and say very hurtful comments. This is a very real thing and millions of people around the world deal with this. They are not the victim, they are just talking about how others have made them feel. And this article is so uplifting and positive-it's bizarre that's what you took from it. The fact that this was your conclusion made it crystal clear that you have no idea where she's coming from and others come from in similar situations.