Patt & Bert Newton on A Current Affair
BY MIA FREEDMAN
Take a close look at Bert and Patti Newton. What do you see? Your answer will depend on whether you’ve ever loved someone with a mental illness.
If you haven’t, you might see bad parents. Parents doing the wrong thing by their son. Parents too caught up in their own lives. Parents with misplaced priorities. Parents being selfish.
But you wouldn’t have a clue.
Of course, every mental illness and family is different. And yet for many of those whose families have been affected, there’s something familiar about Bert and Patti.
They recognise the fatigue and despair, the devastation and guilt, the loyalty and shame, the anguish and love, the exasperation and the stubborn hope that things can get better. That their son can be saved from himself.
Our society is incredibly tough on people who don’t appear to display the ‘right’ emotions in public. Remember Lindy Chamberlain? Joanne Lees, partner of English backpacker Peter Falconio who was murdered in the Northern Territory? After losing loved ones in horrific circumstances, they then had to endure the nasty innuendo. ‘She didn’t look THAT upset’ people said. ‘Where were the tears?’ ‘I reckon she was involved...’
Because we absolutely knew how we’d behave if it happened to us and it wasn’t what we saw on the news. Right?
Armchair criticism of public figures is a disingenuous game. I keep hearing people say “Why is Matt Newton in America? Why don’t his parents go and get him? What are they doing on TV instead of helping their son?”
Matthew, Lauren, Bert & Patti Newton
Well, think about your own parents. If you decided to leave the country or stop taking medication or break the law could they do much about it? Assuming you are over the age of 18, it’s unlikely.
As Matthew Newton’s world continues to implode, it’s becoming increasingly clear that he’s unwell. But this isn’t actually about Matthew Newton. This is about the scathing attitude towards his parents that’s been seeping into the conversation.
Bert and Patti Newton’s lives have been in the public eye since before their children were born. They’re entertainers and TV personalities. That’s their job and yet this appears to offend some people. So what’s their alternative?
If someone you loved was in trouble – and had been for years - would you quit your job? Even if you knew you were facing years of supporting them financially? Would you drop everything and rush to their side to ‘save’ them again and again? Even if they refused your help? Would you put your own life on hold forever?
For families of mentally ill people who behave in erratic, destructive ways, their lives are a prison. Friends and partners can drift away and invariably do. But families do not. Cannot. For them, it’s a never-ending struggle between loving the person and hating their disease.
I have no first hand experience of such struggles but I know people who do.
“Mental illness can’t extinguish the love of a parent but my God it can push you to the absolute limit,” exclaims a friend whose brother has schizophrenia. “Mum takes the brunt of it. Greg’s episodes of psychosis often centre on her and he becomes convinced she’s trying to kill him and control his mind. He hates her with such intensity it can be frightening. But until he harms himself or someone else, we’re powerless to have him committed. Even when he’s been really bad and the police have taken him to hospital, he’s discharged after a couple of days because they need the bed for someone who’s worse.”
It has devastated my friend’s family as the waves of her brother’s illness crash through their lives again and again.
And it’s his mother who suffers the most.
“She loves Greg madly but she’s deeply ashamed she cannot fix him. She often questions what she did wrong, did she love him too much? Not enough? They were so close when he was a kid and she anguishes over the fact that she caused him to hate her, that somewhere in his childhood she messed up.”
Their family has tried to get Greg care, by buying it, begging for it, praying for it with mixed results. Similarly, people say Matthew Newton “needs to get help” or “be locked up” if he’s so sick but in reality, the mental health system doesn’t work that way. You can’t force people to seek treatment, confirms my friend. “My parents have been to see dozens of psychiatrists. They’ve paid for him to go to counseling, they pay for his medication. Sometimes he takes it. Sometimes he sells it.” They do all they can to get him hospital treatment and ongoing support but he usually refuses anything but money.
“Mum can’t accept that her son is mentally ill. That he will never be okay. It wasn’t love or lack of it that caused him to be ill. It was just messed up brain chemistry and no amount of love or money can fix that. So you have to keep living, even if you’re dying inside.”
And so it is with Bert and Patti. Public figures who earn their living from entertaining us and who have worked for decades to support their family. They have a daughter and grandchildren. There’s the son they love and won’t give up on. Actions they abhor. An illness they are powerless to control. What would you do? Let’s hope you’ll never have to find out.
Have you ever had any experiences with mental illness in your family? Amongst close friends? How have you dealt with it?
If you are going through a tough time, please make sure you get help:
Call Lifeline on 131 114 for crisis support
Visit Headspace (12 – 25 year olds) and specifically their section for parents and friends.
Or see your local GP.
Comments
273 Comments so far
You are so right, Mia!
Patti and Bert should not be criticised. They cannot control Matthew, as you said. I feel for them. Mental illness is a nightmare and until you’ve lived with loved-ones who have it, you don’t have a clue how impossible management can be.
Thanks for defending the parents. They clearly do support him. But as an adult, their son can do what he likes – and his choices are governed by his illness.
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In my family I have 2 siblings and a parent all with bi-polar. The hardest times are when the roadbumps and stresses of life impact my family. A job loss, relationship breakdown, an ill relative, a house move, a car accident. We watch and witness as the stress manifests and begins another round of what can be often be months of elevated behaviours – self medicating, anger outbursts, abusive arguments with no logic, sleeplessness, creativeness, until they reach a level that the CAT team can assess that they are critical enough to be harmful to themselves or others. They may be lucky enough to then secure a place in the Psych unit but for how long until another person is deemed more critical. Then the recovery period begins. Months of working with them as the try to repair themselves physically and mentally, repair relationships affected by the awful things said when they were unwell. Often the cannot recall what they have said or done….when your child goes through this there is little support within the system for the families walking this road with their children. To go through this in the public arena where actions cannot be explained, where the additional stress is now added to their family, and where a 5 second explanation is not sufficient or fair… I feel for all of the Newtons…. Many of us want to reach out and share your pain as we have been there and still love our family deeply regardless of what we as a family have been through. Please accept my virtual hugs.
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I wept as I read this …. my mother had three mentally ill children all in and out of mental health care facilities most of their adult lives. She cared for them, cared for their children, suffered their psychotic episodes where they were abusive and violent, kept her up all hours of the day and night until she was worn out with exhaustion and guilt that she couldn’t save them. I went through it all with her, calling the police and the mental health assessment teams more times than I could ever remember. It is draining and lonely and isolating and sad. My Mum gave up on life and died in October last year a sad and broken woman. I was devastated as she was my ally in all this misery. Then seven weeks later my brother at 52 died from the effects of years of addiction, psychosis and schizophrenia. He starved himself to death. The mental health system has failed our family on every level. My brother should have had a carer after my Mum went into a home. I always got told “the system is overloaded”. When Mum died my brother gave himself permission to die as well. No-one could save him. My only solace is that they are at peace. My sister and other brother have bi-polar. They struggle every day with their illnesses and I doubt whether they will live long lives. Never, ever judge until you have walked in someone’s shoes. I wish the Newton family well.
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I too have a very ill son with bi-polar and psychosis who was sick for many years before being diagnosed. At times doctors told us he was badly behaved, we had poor parenting skills, he was attention seeking he was ,suffering from depression, he was a thief and liar. Then finally after a suicide attempt a diagnosis and medication which at least gives us some normality. But as I get older my fears for his well being escalate. My heart breaks for the Newtons having to go through all this in the public arena. If you have not experienced first hand having a child develop serious mental health issues you can have no real idea of the day to day reality. These illnesses destroy any semblance of normality for the family unit not just the individual. My son is an incredibly intelligent, loving and talented young man who at times is so crippled by his illnesses that he is incapable of getting out of bed. He becomes aggressive and violent towards those he loves most. When an episode is over he beats himself up over how he has behaved towards us. When well he is hard working, enthusiastic and full of energy, at other times he sleeps 16 or 17 hours a day. How does someone study or work for an employer if this is their reality? Mental illness is not a crime. Matthew Newton is just very sick and his parents, like me probably sometimes don’t know what to do. Just pray for all of us we don’t need judgement. We need support emotionally for the ill person and their carers and better funding of mental health especially to assist with earlier diagnosis. Bi-polar often affects the brightest young people. They need our help and understanding.
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ummm……my previous post has been edited – why? whats going on????
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This is so true. I am not a fan of celebrities by any means but as a mother who has gone through similar though, thankfully, a little less public, experiences really feel for Bert and Patti newton and commend them for the way they have handled their son’s troubles. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it has been for them with some sections of the media relentessly hammering out every detail for the world to read. To the media I say please give this family the understanding and empathy they need or else leave them alone
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A very good friend has a daughter who because of drug use when she was young and now mental illness, has broken her mother’s heart so many times, I have lost count. Over the years, she has come to understand that she has had to become a little more distant from her daughter, because it has taken a toll on her own health. She is still there for her daughter, and always will be but there are limits now. It is probably the case with the Newtons. It’s called Tough Love and it takes a very brave, and I mean very brave, person or persons, to enact it and carry it through. Whenever I hear about Matthew Newton, or see footage of him as we have seen recently, I too feel extremely sad. The tragedy of a young life going horribly wrong.
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hear hear Mia. I feel so sorry for that family, not only do they have to cope with their son’s illness, they are having to do so very publicly. We lose many talented, beautiful, creative and deeply loved people to mental illness, but generally not with this amount of publicity….so my hope is that he finds and sticks with treatment that will help him find peace and that maybe some of the publicity will be put to good use to pressure the powers that be for more resources in this area.
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I agree with all of this, except – he should not have been allowed to go to America. I don’t know the circumstances of how he ended up there, but he should have been stopped at the airport. Common sense.
Certain people should not be allowed to enter the States for their own good, as the “justice” system over there doesn’t give a damn ‘who’ your parents are, or that your family are Aussie telly icons, or about your mental illness. One false move in the US of A and you can be locked up for a very long time. No breaks and no Aussie compassion.
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Are you saying that it’s a shame he didn’t commit his crime here instead because the justice system apparently “gives a damn who your parents are” and all the other crap you listed?
He needs to take responsibility for his actions. I really feel for Bert & Patti but Matthew needs to be locked up so he doesn’t harm anyone else.
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Well said Mia. There needs to be more of your kind (emphasis on kind there too!) in mainstream media and less of the typical armchair judge/critics belittling or questioning other’s decisions.
I ask myself similar questions every time yet another Matt Newton story appears on morning television and we the public are asked to “judge”. Who are we to do so? We haven’t lived these people’s lives and until we ourselves have walked in their shoes we have no right to do so.
I can’t imagine the pain the Newton family (as a whole) must be in. I just pray it won’t “end badly” as everyone predicts it will, and give thanks every day that I myself am not walking in their shoes.
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Mia – thank you so much for using your voice and reach to try and bring compassion and understanding to mental health and the nightmare that some families live with on a daily basis.
I have previously stressed strong opinions on here in relation to the nature of the reporting around Matthew Newton here and in other media, but this post is a very pleasant change. And what warmed my heart even more was the overwhelming number of positive and compassionate comments from people who don’t necesarily have their own personal experiences with mental health.
I have a sister with schizophrenia and as far as I’m concerned my parents need medals for what they’ve been through and the love and support they’ve given her. It is not easy. The last thing in the world they need is to be judged by others (which does happen from time to time)
For those people who think putting your whole life on hold to help your children / siblings / parents is ‘what you would do’ if you were in the situation, well to that I say, If only it were that easy. The stamina needed by families to ride the roller coaster is an endurance race not a sprint- your own health, physically and mentally, is essential to be able to provide the support required over a lifetime. Keeping your job, your friendships, your hobbies, your relationships, your exercise routines are all imperative.
As many others have said on this post, “never judge until you’ve walked a mile in someone’s shoes…”
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Very well said, Mia. What you see in Patti and Bert’s eyes is what I’ve seen in my parents’ and my own.
I’ve seen three of my four younger siblings through various stages and kinds of mental illness whilst dealing with my own. I also witnessed my mother’s nervous breakdown when I was 13 and played something of a parental role on and off for her.
I find it very hard when people tell me how I should treat my siblings. “It’s not your responsibility! You should leave them alone to fend for themselves! They’re young adults now!”
They are PART OF ME, they are not something I can discard. When I was at my worst and my father and stepmother took me to a GP and said they were really worried that I was not functioning (I wasn’t), that was the best thing they could have done for me. Luckily (for me and for everyone else), I was ready to accept my ‘nervousness’ and ‘teariness’ (I downplayed it all the time) as crippling anxiety and depression and seek help in a different way to before (which had been counselling and no medical intervention).
At various stages, I have felt utterly betrayed by my siblings, and at other times, I have felt like their saviour. Really, it’s the illness betraying me, not them.
Watching one brother be hospitalised for self-harm and drug abuse, another self-destructing through drug use and damaging relationships and spiralling into bipolar disorder, watching my littlest sister, who I mothered and cared for during the most traumatic times of our lives, become riddled with anxiety and ‘stuck’ all the time, unable to get out of bed and unable to communicate… each example was a horrendously stressful time and something I never wish to witness again.
I believe it’s all made me a far better teacher and a pretty bloody good sister.
You really are “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” when dealing with someone else’s mental illness. I left a boyfriend who was on the brink of hospitalisation in order to save my own sanity, yet I have talked my brother away from a suicide attempt and drove all night to find him, and then watched as he continued to hurt himself and others (and me). The ex-boyfriend got through it all and so did my brother, but I knew who I needed to be there for more. The friends I lost after leaving that relationship judged too harshly and yet I mourned the loss of those friendships for years.
It is gut-wrenching stuff, and unless you live inside it, you don’t get to judge, you don’t get to tell us what to do or who we should take them to see for help, or make comment on various forms of therapy. No one gets to judge how fiercely you love and care for someone.
The stigma attached to mental illness is still very present and very damaging.
Despite everything my family has endured, I am proud to say that I adore the whole bloody lot of them and we share the load of caring for each other.
PS: I apologise for the rambly nature of my post – sometimes the most raw things are the hardest to eloquently express.
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Unless you have walked in my shoes sums it up Steph! xxx
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Succinct is not my thing!
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Maybe we could be co authors of a book! xxx
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I will also co-author…. very similar story is mine told above yours. I admit I didn’t read any replies until tonight only Mia’s post but your story is very similar to mine. Good luck and big hug to you. xx
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Thank-you for this article Mia.
It means so much to me, at a time when things are particularly tricky with my brother.
Something I thought I might mention, is that even when someone IS taking their meds, and IS trying really hard to be well, they can still struggle to fit in with the general expectations that society has of it’s adult members.
Meds don’t fix everything. Someone who suffers a mental illness can do “all the right things” and still struggle to plan, manage money or run their life, and struggle to cope with stress.
They will always need compassion and understanding, and so will their families.
If you knew me in real life, at times I know I would come across as a bit disorganized, or a bit late, or I might seem to be overly stressed by something small.
What you wouldn’t see is the hours of my life that might disappear on the phone, talking through the latest drama with my Mother, trying to work out how to help my brother. The hours spent rushing in to see him, or trying to find him when he is missing. The agonizing conversations about just how much we should be doing, and what is the illnesses fault v’s what was just rude of poor behavior.
One of the reasons (just one, out of a few) that I have not gone back to paid work, even though my 3 kids are all now at school, is that there are times when my parents really need my help to sort out things with my brother. I need to have flexibility of availability, for unexpected situations that crop up. I am OK with this, it is a choice, and I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t keep trying to help (with very little thanks I might add, but that is not why I do it).
However hard it is, to be the family member of someone with a mental illness, it should be remembered that it is even worse for that person that has the illness. The fear, terror, confusion and anguish they suffer should not be underestimated.
As the Queen once said, “Grief is the price we pay for love”. My brother has given me lots of grief, but he loves me, and I love him. I’m prepared to pay that price, and I do, but outsiders looking in can probably never see the price, and make no mistake, it is a high price for every single member of my family.
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I am currently going through a similar situation, and I a there not only for my brother but my broken hearted parents it is difficult to see my parents hurt so much. Well written.
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Just adding to my previous post on this issue:
My husband and I have had counselling for many years to work through our own FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt regarding our child who suffers everyday.
Note the 3C’s – You cannot control it, you did not cause it, and you cannot cure it!
We have done everything that we could to help our child…. specialists have even said that to us….. but….
You can take a horse to water…… but you can’t make it drink.
These people self medicate with drugs and alcohol and that only makes things worse. Unfortunately they have to hit rock bottom before they realise that they need help. Our aim is to be available to help when that happens.
But….. we have to get on with our own lives we understand that by helping them…. IS NOT helping!
We need to look after ourselves so we can have the strength to deal with the crisis when it comes….. and believe me it does!
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FOG – what a wonderfully descriptive acronym…..
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Mia, you may be interested to know that the acronym is frequently used by those who have had chosen or unchosen relationships with those who have personality disorders. When one finally attains clarity about the situation they are said to come out of the fog. In my case it was very confronting to escape the fear, obligation and guilt aboutmy mother who has narcissistic personality disorder. There id a website on this topic called outofthefog.net
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Thank you for your article Mia. My family has lived with serious mental health issues for about 15 years and know the struggles that so many families face. I feel so much empathy for the Newtons and find it distressing to read such negative comments about them from commentators who clearly have little understanding about mental health issues, their causes, and the daily reality of living with mental illness.
I was so thankful to read your article. It was insightful, compassionate, and managed to express many thoughts that I share. It was also a long time coming and a welcome change to the tone of articles by many of your colleagues at the Herald Sun.
I wish the Newton family all the best in their battle and hope that the public and governments can work to understand mental health issues at a deeper level.
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Hear hear Mia. Perfectly said. I’ve noticed a lot of my own friends/acquaintances expressing similar attitudes towards Patti and Bert and it bothers me. Giving up your own life to try and ‘save’ someone from themselves is not good for anyone. I don’t think it would be going too far to assume that Matt Newton has plenty of resources available to him and plenty of well-wishing family and friends. He will get the help he needs when he’s ready, it’s not up to Bert and Patti to force him into it. And there’s damn near nothing they could do about it if they wanted to.
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Mia, you have so beautifully and simply written about something that so many suffer through in silence and shame. it is so easy to sit back and judge others about anything, but you just never know. Unfortunately it’s easy to assume you can just ‘get over’ a mental illness and change your behavior, but brain chemistry is a funny (not ha ha) thing. While we should never condone violence, we should understand that the person may not be in control, and it’s not a cop out to say that.
This may make sound like a stalker, but I’d love to sit down and pick your brain one day. Every time I see you on Today and read your articles I think the same thing, I find you quite fascinating. Hhmmm, that does sound bad. I am married with four kids….not too weird!!!
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I have struggled with anxiety/depression/BPD issues since I was about 11 years old. I am now almost 23 years. This article was great as it made me reflect on the impact this has had on my family. My parents are now at the stage where they are almost sick of trying. I immediately feel abandoned and hurt about this, but reading this article has given me more perspective. Sometimes I forget they have a right to their own lives because I am so afraid of losing them. I am fairly functional and do not have violent outbursts or psychotic episodes but struggle with things like sleeping, eating regularly, panic attacks etc which make it difficult for me to hold down a job or finish uni.
It causes me so much pain seeing how I affect my family and wishing I could be better so it wouldn’t be so bad for them. Still I struggle so much to get better and it feels I will never be okay. I am terrified of the future and worry that when my parents die there will be no one there for me. I don’t really have any close friends as I tend to retreat when I am struggling and friends don’t really get it. I cannot really have a successful relationship as I am not well enough and worry I will never be able to marry or that my husband will leave me when it all gets too much…
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Please don’t give up on yourself. You sound just like me, same age when I started seeing the first of many counsellors. Had a kind of break down at around the age you are now. I struggled having friends ( and still do to a degree) as I couldn’t possibly see why anyone would want to be my friend and always felt they would get sick of me. Same with boyfriends. It does get better, I am now in my late 30′s, married and have beautiful children. I still struggle with depression but I k ow the signs and try and get on top of it before it gets too bad. I found my early 20′s horrible, hit my stride late 20′s and had so much more confidence in my 30′s. I am actually looking forward to my 40′s. Please love yourself, look after yourself and tell your family how you feel. If I were there I would give you a big hug. XO
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May your symptoms diminish, your confidence grow and that you find self love and the ability to feel safe all of the time. xx
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That’s beautifully put… Xx
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Mia this conversation is so so important….sometimes the smallest thing will enable a sufferer to get through one more day. Been there! xx
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My daughter has very similar challenges that you face and has done since the age of 11, but like Me too, she came into her own when she was in her late twenties and is now in her early thirties, happily married with two children. She still struggles, but she has a supportive husband and is a wonderful Mum. In her case, I think what hasn’t killed her has made her stronger.
Bless x
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Anon, my sister had/has BPD, anxiety, depression, anorexia – which lead to drug use which made the whole thing worse. My family also got to the stage of almost being beyond trying, because we were so hurt and exhausted. But we never stopped loving her. And we never did stop trying.
My sister (now in her late 20s) is well now. She’s happy, she’s gorgeous, she’s healthy and she’s stable. She has a fantastic job and a beautiful boyfriend and I’ve actually just moved in with her – which (let me tell you!!) I NEVER thought I would do again.
It took years and years, but she came through it. Looking at her now, you would never, ever know her painful battles (apart from the fading white scars up her forearms and thighs). Just remember – this too shall pass. Good luck, and much strength xx
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Hey There
I have BPD too, and was diagnosed in the Summer of 2000 at the age of 16 / 17. Since the initial diagnosis way back then, I have been under the care of a beautiful psch, who just retired last July.
I had another episode following my 21st Birthday and learnt a lot more about the illness then.
My last episode was four and a half years ago where I had to tell my place of employment. Interesting times …
In the last 3 years, I have slowly come to realise that life is what it is, and you deal with each day and situation as it comes along. I’m still learning every day, but I am in the happiest headspace I have been since I was 12, in 1995.
I spent last year working in a call centre environment. After 10 months, I decided to listen to myself and I left without another job.
Creating the sort of life I want now – working at 89.7 Radio two or three times a week, writing heaps, having time out for me, spending a lot of time at the beach and dealing with life one day at a time.
Having had BP for so many years has given me the gift of perspective – Nothing lasts forever. Things change continously.
I too haven’t had much luck in maintaining ongoing friendships. That’s okay. I do enjoy spending time on my own and I am the luckiest girl in the world when it comes to the unconditional love and support my parents have shown me. My nieces and nephews give me plenty of laughter too! !
I have just started venturing into the world of male friendships. Not sure how any of that is going to work out – It’s definitely interesting though ! ! !
So please – Take it easy, take care and look after yourself.
Acceptance is an interesting road to travel to, and a beautiful place to reach.
Sending Lots of Happiness and Big Hugs your way.
Sunny Girl
PS. I have cerebral palsy down my right side too – Which also gives me a unique perspective on all things in my world
If you want to stay in touch, please do. I would love to chat and could always do with another friend.
X
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Well said Mia… as a person who has been through more than 25 years of mental health issues with my beautiful brother, I know how hard it is. How you can only stand by as they destroy their lives. How you can only hope he’ll have enough presence of mind to call you before he harms himself. How you live in dread of the day when his despair becomes too much and he finally ends his own torment.
Others see my brother as a failure. He sees himself as a cautionary tale. I see him as brilliant and brave and my absolute hero for getting through 40 years of life so far, with the turmoil that lives in his brain.
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Mia, I think you’ve been incredibly brave with this post. I know there are some people on here who have questioned your motives and those who think the Matthew Newton saga should not have been dragged back up again.
Reading the comments on here from those whose lives have been affected by mental illness has been an incredibly humbling experience. We talk a lot here about judging people, well here, people, is a lesson on judgement.
If someone has a broken arm or leg, or has surgery, we can see that there is something wrong with them, for want of a better phrase. If there’s something going on inside their head, we don’t get it. We’re scared of them. We don’t understand it. We can’t understand why they do what they do.
They’re ill. It’s as simple as that.
For all those posters who are fighting their own personal battle with mental illness, my heart goes out to you all.
Mia, you did good.
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Yes….lets keep the conversation going!!
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Thank you for this article. I have been troubled by the tone of comments about Bert and Patti, who seem like normal, caring parents to me. its easy to slag off at people you know, but harder to empathise. I have no reason to believe they are not good, loyal and loving parents. They need compassion and privacy.
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I have some understanding what they are going through its hell to watch your son or daughter go through this in such a public way. All you can do is love them and hold on. Great article shame we live in a society that only offers compassion for things like cancer…..
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Best post you have written, Mia.
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Hi Mia,
Thankyou for the great article about the Newton family and your sensitive consideration of a difficult health issue.
Up until your article most of the media coverage of this news item was very disparaging of both Matthew and the family
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Thanks Ros
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A difficult topic and one that I can relate to personally and professionally.
I applaud Mia’s attempts to shine light on mental health issues and the pain and suffering for all family members. I also applaud her encouragement of a compassionate and empathic approach to these issues.
The difficulty I have with the article is that while there are many personal stories out there and people will relate to this article based on their own experiences and perceptions, we simply don’t know what the actual story is behind this particular family.
We don’t know what his diagnosis is, what the underlying causes are, what support his family has and hasn’t provided (financially, emotionally etc), what the family dynamics are (yes, including any dysfunction or attachment issues between parents and child), what trauma there has been, family history of mental health issues etc etc etc It seems that we are all jumping to conclusions about this particular family, based on our own experiences.
I have encountered many people with depression who have had trauma and family dysfunction at their core. Sometimes parents have personality disorders and this impacts on their children’s mental health. I am not suggesting that this is the case in this particular family but the reality is we just don’t know.
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By no means do I want to generalise that all families are to blame for mental health issues. I’ve had my own and while my parents certainly did their share of damage it was ultimately my responsibility to do something about it as an adult and to realise that they could only love and raise me in the best way they knew how.
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I have no hesitation in saying that my parents did nothing like the best job they could. They put themselves and their hatred for each other well before the wellbeing of their children. Now with two siblings who have suicided and another who cannot function in the world of friends, relationships and jobs, I think that parents can and do in some cases contribute to the mental ill-health of their children. But not in the case of Bert and Patti Newton. Some kids are born with the switch for bipolar and the family must deal with it because the health system certainly doesn’t! The criminal justice system is really the defacto mental health system. Don’t get me started on deinstitutionalisation and the failure of governments to put the promised “community support services” in place …….
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Having someone close to me suffer with a mental illness I understand how difficult it is to deal with. The unpredictability of the situation is like living on a razor’s edge never knowing what will happen from day to day. It’s very true that unless you have walked in someone else’s shoes you have no idea how you would behave in a similar situation. Being in the public eye must make it incredibly difficult for the Newtons and my heart goes out to them. Never judge lest ye be judged.
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I have a sister who suffer from mental illness, so many times I have wished she was dead… It sounds terrible and I feel sooo sad saying this but I have seen the amount of pain and fear she causes to my parents everyday. She can be violent and aggressive. She refuses to take medication or see her psychiatrist, she is 30 years old and acts like spoiled 10 year old. The police has recommended to my parents to have a intervention order against her but my parents response is “she is after all our child, and we can leave her alone in this world, she has no one else” In the meantime I live in fear of what she can ever do to my family… But What can you do when someone you love refuses help?….
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Viv, I hear you. My sister was evil for years and years. She wasn’t my sister – she was some horrible demon inside my sister’s body, and I hated her. I sought counseling, which helped me cope – but really the only thing that really changed things was that she got well. We now have a good relationship. But what you’re feeling is completely normal. You know it’s their illness, so not their ‘fault’ – but my god it’s hard not to hate them and be swallowed by your fear, fury and sadness. I really feel for you xxx
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Mia, thanks for this article and your approach with it. My Dad is bi polar and thankfully my family have received a huge amount of compassion and understanding over the decades of dealing with many incredibly difficult periods, that last years at times. I could relay alot of experiences, learnings, difficulties, sadness, laughter and craziness from what our family have been through.
I would love to be able to increase the support for mental illness, which is improving, but which is still desperately in need of more support. Can you offer a way to follow up to this article to help people who have mental illness issues/situations such as learnings from others, where and how to get help etc? I would be happy to help write the article/ content.
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Well said Mia. Well said.
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I completely agree, Mia. Whilst this is a little off-topic, I was really disappointed to read Madonna King’s opinion piece yesterday about Gerard Bayden-Clay (whose wife was recently murdered in Brisbane). She was highly critical of his reaction to her disappearance and murder. As you so aptly put, who are we to judge or dictate how someone should react in such a situation. I was very saddened that an article like that could appear so close to her death.
Thanks for the food for thought, Mia.
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I think your last lines sum it all up nicely Mia
People who are judging the situation harshest are the ones who have no idea of the reality – and yet they are the ones who would do well to have a dose of what mental illness is really like.
I have some experience and wouldn’t wish it on anyone, however harshly they may judge.
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Great post Mia!
I haven’t personally had to experience this but know people close to me who have.
Your description “their life is a prison” is so apt. The parent I know tries to get on with life as best they can, while helping out their adult child as best they can. Sometimes, there really is only so much they can do to help their child and it must be horrible to have to accept that you can’t force your help on people you love.
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Beautifully written, Mia. People with mental illnesses don’t get enough recognition as being genuinely sick which is such a shame. Thank you for bringing this issue to people’s minds x
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Well done Mia. This article comes at an interesting time for me. My boyfriend of 2 years suffers from bipolar disorder and in the last 3 months his condition has become truly worrying. I’ve managed to encourage him to seek treatment and therapy, but don’t believe a simple anti-depressant that he’s been prescribed is working for him. I’ve seen him turn from a relatively happy, functional, compassionate man (4 months ago), to being in the depths of despair and crying every day (3 months ago), to now swinging wildly from hysterical giggling (often at seemingly nothing) to extreme anger, yelling increasingly insulting and hurtful things at me, the one who’s trying desperately to support him through this day in, day out.
It’s been interesting to read the other comments, especially regarding enabling. I get along well with his mother but am frustrated by her idea of helping. She often bails him out of financial trouble, which in my view teaches him nothing. She admitted him to a psychiatric ward three times over five years beginning in his mid twenties and sometimes threatens to do this again now. She tells him he’s going to “loose” me. How can any of this help? Then again, I cannot really know how she must feel, having dealt with her son’s illness for so long now.
I’m currently at a loss as to what to do. I get very upset and verge on depression from week to week, especially with the increasing nastiness towards me.
Anyway, thanks to Mia for bringing up this important issue. Mental illness is still a stigma within our society and it’s true that our mental health system is falling well below the bar in terms of helping those in need.
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Hi Spunkx, The road can be long hard and isolating it is imperative that you look after yourself because without your own wellbeing you will be unable to support your boyfriend. Remember it is his illness NOT YOU that is the cause. The feelings of not knowing what to do next is familiar. Sane,The Blackdog Institute and other websites have useful information xx
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Sorry to be harsh but my advice is get out while you still can, Spunkx. I married someone whose bipolar was not diagnosed until after our children were born. I will probably get flamed for this but I don’t know that I would have married him if I knew what was in store. He doesn’t even sound as bad as your boyfriend. You won’t change your boyfriend especially if you have someone there enabling his behaviour.
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It’s funny, I never wanted children, until I met him. It really was a beautiful year and a half together. Then this happened and of course I couldn’t think of anything worse than going through pregnancy and then raising children if his condition doesn’t improve. I hold out hope that things will improve, mainly because I’ve seen how good he can be. I won’t hold out hope forever though.
Thanks to guest for your comment too and putting me onto those good resources.
I’m determined
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I am sorry to hear of your situation. My Dad is bi polar, and the description of your boyfriends behaviour over recent months sounds all too similar. I wanted to suggest a few options/ avenues for your boyfriend & for you: St John of God is an excellent hospital with specialist treatments/programs for mental illness, a psychologist or similar who specialises in bi-polar (go to a GP & ask for a referral or some options).
It is a hard road for anyone involved, especially the partner of the person with bi-polar.
My Dad had a long road to being ‘stable’ but he works on it every day, and I am really proud of him, even though at times I have been so angry at his behaviour and selfishness that I wanted him to be someone else, or for me to not be his daughter. I wish you all the love and support you can get.
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Please stop saying your dad “IS bipolar”. He is a person who happens to have bipolar disorder. It’s like saying someone IS cancer, or IS arthritis.
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Hi Spunkx,
I hope your partner has not simply been prescribed an SSRI for Bipolar Disorder? This is not appropriate and will more likely make his condition much worse. He probably needs a mood stabilizer as well as perhaps an SSNRI and antipsychotic which need to be constantly monitored and adjusted. A GP mistakenly prescribed me an SSRI for my Bipolar Disorder and I lost my home, partner, occupation and almost my life. I hope you both get the help you need. I found it almost impossible without private health insurance.
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Oh gosh, that’s exactly what he’s been prescribed and by a psychologist no less…. He’s only had two sessions but he’s come home saying “she says it’s really only stress that’s the problem” (then looks to me as a point of blame)
I think I need to work out a way of going to one of the sessions with him, or being able to communicate with this psychologist in another way. I’m glad he’s found someone he feels comfortable talking to but I’m fearing more and more that perhaps she’s not got the right knowledge to help him deal with the BPD
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Oh dear, not good. It would be good if your boyfriend could keep seeing the psychologist for psychotherapy/counseling purposes but also get a refferal to see a good PSYCHIATRIST, this is who you want managing the medication. I know it’s tough but there is still hope. I don’t know what age your partner is, but a lot of Bipolar Disorder cases peak in the mid twenties and start settling down in the late 20s, early 30s. I’m 30, I was a complete nightmare and now my disease is 100% stable and has been for 2 years.
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This is one of the best articles you’ve written, Mia. Very thoughtful and thought-provoking. It’s interesting: Initially I criticised the Newtons for their Current Affair interview where they basically wiped their hands clean of Matthew, yet I have extensive experience with mental illness in my family and in my best friend who has schizophrenia. I understand what it’s like to be involved with someone who has a mental illness and how difficult it is to exist within the limitations of what you can do for them. For example, my friend and I are still so close but I have had to establish my own boundaries which means that there are some times when I just can’t be around her because it is damaging to my own emotional health. It just goes to show how easy it is to forget that celebrities are people too. Your article made me relate the Newton case more to my own experience and see them as human, and now I feel a little ashamed of condemning Bert and Patti so readily.
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This is so very true, Mia, and beautifully written.
You never know the journey another person has travelled, and when it comes to a mentally ill person in a family, the complications can probably never be understood.
Even by other families with a mentally ill mother, father, son, daughter or sibling. Because everyone is different, and every situation is different.
There is no simple solution, especially not ‘locking them up.’ How ludicrous and insulting for outsiders to even suggest something like that!
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Excellent article showing so much compassion. We need much, much more understanding within the general community about mental illness. So many people seem to think they are or will be immune to it. It can and does affect anyone at all from all walks of life. It is so much more difficult for the sufferer and their loved ones to cope with as it is an ‘unseen’ illness, as opposed to a physical one. Those suffering from mental illness can appear completely ‘normal’ to the untrained eye or casual observer. We just need to show compassion and kindness to all. And the saying about ‘be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet because everyone is facing some sort of battle’ is all too true.
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Spot on!
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Great post, Mia. Thankyou.
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I agree. Was saying same to mum recently. Lay off. Whatever Newton doesn’t isn’t news and isn’t funny. The media eventually cottoned on to what was going on with Charlie Sheen & backed off. Pretty late though. And also the Kony guy.
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To all those who are saying they’re not doing enough? Do you know everything they’ve done? Do you know how often they are dealing with this? Do you know how long this has been going on?
Don’t judge if you’ve never been in the situation. It’s as simple as that. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, all you can do is destroy your life trying. At some point, after you’ve tried to rescue them time after time, the person affected needs to have a commitment to working hard on their treatment and getting better.
If a person affected can’t or won’t do that, there’s really very little you can do.
Also, the more you rescue a person in this situation, the less you are helping them. There is a big difference between supporting someone and enabling them further into their illness. Sometimes the best form of ‘support’ is allowing the consequences to get the affected person where they need to end up.
I can see the anguish in these parents’ faces. All your answers are there. It’s clear they have been through the wringer. They are worried. They care. They’re powerless to do much more than wait and hope now.
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My father has been mentally I’ll my whole life and I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked to explain the unexplainable. I don’t know hy he is who he is or why he does what he does. I cope by hiding him. I have never taken a boyfriend home to meet the family and I am 32!! My friends never meet my parents. I take him out to places where we won’t be seen to avoide an incident. It is exhausting. The way Bert and Patty are being attacked is sickening and I recognise the pain, fear and guilt in their eyes. When a family member lives in an alternate reality they are completely ostracized and therefore you are too. My father is unpredictible, aggressive and paranoid just like Matt Newton and I can tell you one thing for sure. There is no fixing it. Bert and Patty are in an endurance race with no finishing line and the last think they need is hecklers. Just avert your eyes and respectively, compassionately leave them alone to try to live with the emotional vice they have found themselves in.
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I feel for the Newtons, just like I feel for my own parents. I have bi polar and my parents have tried so hard to love me and help me. I have recently started to have contact with them after 25 years of estrangement. I find this difficult because of the guilt and shame i feel for making there life so hard. Even after 25 years of pushing them away they still want to be there for me. The thing is I cannot promise that my mood will be stable. I am so worried about hurting them again. Sometimes I do stop taking my medication but by the time I do that I am already unwell. Funding for mental health needs to improve. I have had a great psychologist but through medicare I can only have 12 visits a year. I am the first one to admit I need much closer monitoring then that. I never have the money to see a private psychiatrist up front! The public system is way to busy to give you the time you need!
Life is very lonely for me as very few people understand or tolerate my mental illness. I live in a different state from my family now.We only have contact through Facebook. I so badly just want to be part of their lives but cannot when I know I will probably hurt them again one day.My parents are now elderly, I am 45 and havent seen them since I was 18. This illness has been devastating for us both.
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A friend of mine is in the same boat as you. Her family has severed all contact with her which makes everything a hundred times more difficult. It’s so hard to watch her be limited by what the public health system offers – which isn’t much. All this is to say, hang in there, you’re less alone than you think xx
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forjack…just do it…cross your fear barrier…you want them and they want you…don’t let life tick away…it will be too late one day..start now..sorry to be so opinionated but I really hear your pain and the only way to heal it is to connect with them again in love and forgiveness. courage is not the absence of fear. xxxx
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When I started reading this article my thoughts were “here we go again, a celebrity defending another celebrity ” but your article did no such thing, and I enjoyed reading it.
I admire Bert and Patti’s resiliance, their support and love for their son is obvious, but they are not going to give up on their lives.
I have a sister with a 20 year hard drug addiction and over the years have watched my mother struggle with getting on with her life as she watches her child destroy her own life. Drug addiction is different from mental illness, but the feelings of self blame, helplessness and utter depair exist in both. I wish my mum had taken more ownership of her life and pushed on with her goal, plans and her relationships. She lost herself in my sister’s tragedy and struggles to just get on with things at times.
Thanks Mia, at times you bug me but this time you’ve given me something to think about
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Sarah, sadly for some there is a dual diagnosis. Drug and or alcohol addiction as well as a diagnosed Mental illness. Take care xx
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I know from experience you simply cannot become reactive to a family members illness as a full time job. Mia captures some of the main issues of this at a very personal level. Guilt, self doubt, helplessness of trying to run or pick up the pieces of another adults life.
In addition to being the brother of a bipolar genius, lady killer, hard working and well meaning guy I am a nurse who has worked with marginalized groups. I have found it is the case that many people simply don’t want to stretch themselves and really find out about and understand such difficult topics as mental health and disadvantaged people. There are some who will extend their empathy and compassion to disadvantaged groups a comfortable distance overseas such as “poor starving Africans” or “gentle serene Tibetans” but in our lucky country we are often not do inclined to leave the lucky path and challenge our beliefs and get a little dirty in our home soil. Why would we? I mean we have it so good here right? So close minded judgements prevail.
Less armchair commentary and more understanding required.
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Mia, do you actualy know the Newton family intimately? Are you are mental health professional? If not then I would say this article says a whole lot more about you and your projections than about them.
Perhaps people are not judging the Newton family for “not doing something about Matt” or for being entertainers and getting on with life, but for something we can all intuit, know by first hand experience or know professionally : many forms of mental illness do not arise within a vacumn but very often within the context of intense family dysfunction.
Either way, lets leave the analysis to the professionals shall we?
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KMT– how ironic that you are criticising Mia for writing about the Newtons without qualifications or knowing them. And yet you are making slanderous comments about mental illness being caused by family dysfunction. Maybe it’s you who should hold your tongue.
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Really? And what makes you think I don’t know exactly what I’m talking about both professionally and through first hand experience? Don’t reduce what I said into a simplistic “mental illness is caused by family dysfunction”. I said no such thing. Go back and read what I wrote. Mental illness occurs in context. Family therapy anyone?
Mia is a media personality and opinionator, not a mental health professional. I will neither condemn nor have sympathy for the parents, there’s much more going on than such simplistic speculative viewpoints portray. We can have a positive discussion about mental illness without dragging the Newtons into it and making amateur judgements, however well-meaning.
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“We can have a positive discussion about mental illness without dragging the Newtons into it and making amateur judgements, however well-meaning”
Did you even read the article? It’s not an article on why Matt has a mental illness. It’s an article on the fact that mental illness has many causes, and we don’t know what’s caused him – so we shouldn’t condemn his parents. That’s not making any judgements, it’s imploring people to hold off on making judgements.
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Here here!!!! Well said Gina p
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Mental health is also largely an organic disorder but for me this is not what the article is about. The newtons are a case in point to highlight the lack of thought people put to the issue of mental health. There is actually not alot directly about them. You don’t need qualifications to put a thoughtful piece forward as opposed to putting in your two bobs worth (its family disfunction) and simply saying let someone else deal with that.
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What Mia is saying is that we don’t know the facts, so we shouldn’t jump to blaming Matt’s parents. What you’re saying is that you don’t know the facts, so you should jump to assuming that Matt’s illness was caused by his parents.
Mia’s not analysing the cause, she’s reminding people that we don’t know it.
Maybe you should try a little analysis of the article before you write stupid, judgemental, ignorant comments.
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Pardon? Are you feeling okay? Since when did we have to be a professional in the field to offer an opinion – particulary when the opinion is advocating compassion.
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Spot on. We are now quick to put under the label ‘ mental illness” many things which may not belong there…in the case of Matthew Newton why do we so conveniently allow him to be described as bi-polar ( and yes I know what I am talking about…a member of my husband’s family has it, sadly). The acts of intimidation and rage are not typical of bi-polar ….and we are entitled to ask whether it is in fact related to the indulgence Matthew was given as a child, and that he now cannot exist as an adult
…his behaviour seems driven by a lack of understanding that his needs and demands cannot be met on demand..or under threat of violence and rage. Can we all stop making excuses for him….
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My heart goes out to Bert and Patti. My husband has the same illness, refuses to accept it and has done so many bizarre things its heart breaking and terrifying for myself and his children. People just don’t know how lucky they are to not have to go through this living nightmare. Even my husband’s closest family are ostrichs and dared to comment on Matthew Newton. Matthew is a human being that needs patience and support. Thank you Mia for writing the article.
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Hi Mia, just wanted to say this is one of the pieces of writing I have seen from you. I have not personally been touched by family or friends with mental illness, but I feel you make some great points for me to think about.
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It’s good to see these issues raised. But I disagree with the statement that while friends and partners can drift away, families do not and cannot. Many, many people with mental illness do not have the support of their families.
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Sad but true.
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great piece Mia! Lots of strong points
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But who is subsidising him to live in Miami while he seeks treatment? I don’t recall him having worked in the last year or so, so someone must be paying for his hotels and treatment and presumably giving him spending money. I understand sending your son to the best possible treatment facilities, but why in God’s name would you send someone like Matt Newton to southern Florida? Why not Arizona or Wyoming or Idaho? Surely there are excellent psychiatric facilities all across the states.
Oh, and for what it’s worth, no matter how old I am, I know my parents would go around the world a thousand times to bring me back and get me help for a mental illness. I know they would because they have done it before.
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I think the issue is that once you are over 18, if you dont *want* that help, they would find it very difficult to force you to take that help…
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How many parents do you know that can dictate where their 30 yr old son goes? And Matthew worked for a number of years quite successfully before he got ill, so there’s a high possibility he’s funding it himself.
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