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When my daughter was about 12, I started thinking about the inevitability of her having sex one day. Contemplating this, I concocted a timetable that went something like this when speculating on how old she might be when she lost her V-plates and how I would feel about it:
at 12 - We’re not going there
at 13 – Physically ill, high level anguish
at 14 – Quite disturbed, medium level anguish
at 15 – I can deal (just), but not ideal
at 16 – Uncomfortable, but I’ll get over it
at 17 – I’m OK with this, I think
at 18 – You have my blessing
at 19 – Now I’m getting concerned
at 20 – OK, you really should get a wriggle on now, is there a problem?
As it turns out, she was – and is – 16 and I’m fine with it. I even went out of my way to prepare for the inevitable when she announced she had a boyfriend, about five months ago, by putting her on the pill with the speed and efficiency of a Japanese car manufacturer.
Actually, it went more like this. We had an updated version of ‘the talk’. This time I didn’t mention things like ‘there’s no need for generosity’ and ‘putting a value on yourself’, however, I did employ phrases such as ‘make sure you’re ready’, ‘don’t feel pressured’ and ‘please be careful’. Advice I believe she heeded, even if she felt ready earlier than I would have ideally liked. Initially, she thought I was jumping the gun with the ‘let’s get you on the pill’ thing, so I left it with her to think about. Less than two weeks later, however, she got back to me with ‘Hey Mum, you know what we talked about…’ and with that I made a doctor’s appointment.
I should mention here, there is a tradition of teenage pregnancy in mine and her father’s family – mostly due to religious influences that advocated abstinence (epic fail) rather than education and contraception – and I have no intention of being a grandmother at 38. I am not even going to make a funny about that. I’d like to have a second child soon, and while a 17-or-so-year age gap between helpings might be unusual, I am adamant all my children will be born before any grandchildren are begot.
Thankfully my daughter is in agreement – even if her current position of never wanting children ever is more strident than absolutely necessary – and going on the pill was a Very Good Idea. But, I’ll admit it, I was not qualm free about actively promoting pregnancy prevention before the horse had even noticed the gate was unlocked. Put simply, was I being sensible and realistic and non-ostrich like by taking a proactive stance on my teenage daughter’s contraceptive needs or was I giving a green light to something that may have stalled for a while if I haven’t given my sort-of-tacit agreement to storm the barricade? Chicken or egg, but ultimately I’d rather the egg wasn’t fertilised.
Unlike myself, my daughter was not threatened with a gamut of dire outcomes from a pox on your private parts to disappointing Jesus if she didn’t have a ceremony with an exchange of vows and rings before consenting to get down with it. I estimate my virginity lasted six months longer than it might without the virtues of chastity – whatever they are – being pedalled like the Tour de France at my school.
Her father’s reaction? My daughter and I agreed that telling Dad she was on the pill would be tricky and the decision to inform him was put off – indefinitely, or at least until the right moment. In the end, he found out because my daughter lost her wallet – where she kept her pill packet – and he was the one who tracked it down at a cafe. He checked, as you would, that nothing had been taken…
His discovery was a ‘dying on the inside’ moment. Did I know about this, he asked? Yes, I confessed, I did. It was my doing. But I soothed the way to acceptance by saying she was having bad periods and I thought the pill might help (a partial truth). I’m not sure if my part in the conspiracy was a comfort or not, but he has come around, even if he is not at the stage of condoning ‘sleepovers’ yet. I didn’t tell him about the condom wrapper I found the day after the school formal. What he doesn’t know etc. Not that I’m totally A-OK with ‘sleepovers’, either – even with the farce of making up a bed in the spare room.
Ultimately, it’s no use pretending your teenager won’t have sex because you don’t think they’re ready. It’s icky to confront – even if they’re mature physically – but I’m glad I took the initiative to be open and honest with my daughter and our relationship is stronger for it. You can’t afford to be willfully naive about your teenager’s sexuality – they’re health and future well-being depends on you confronting it and seriously who wants to be a grandmother before they’re 40?
Melanie is a free range writer, feminist and director of the Reality Bites Literary Festival. When not working on her creative writing thesis, you will most likely find her reading a book.
Did you tell your parents after your first sexual encounter? Would you expect your children to tell you?
Comments
200 Comments so far
Um, sex is a fact of life just as much as eating, breathing, urinating and defecating. All are essential to life. Why do some people have such an issue with it?
And why the issue with sexual orientation? As if this planet is not overcrowded enough as it is?
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Some girls and boys are gay. But parents rarely consider talking about safe sex for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender teens. Nothing that recognises them is taught at school so it can seem like a non-issue for some LGBT teens but LGBT teens risk STI’s too, if they are not careful.
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awesome article. loved the timeline. i can also relate from a teenagers viewpoint, and any kid would be lucky to have the kind of relationship that you and your daughter seem to havel. i hope that i do it as you did mel, with grace, wit, intelligence and pragmatism.
i, however, have two boys so far, and no girls. i’ve been told that i have the advantage; as with a boy you only have to worry about one penis, but with girls you have to worry about all of them! (suck on that wowsers)
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I think that people on this discussion board need to really step back and realise that whatever age you choose, it is a very personal choice. In the article, I trust that the author and her daughter have a good enough relationship to be able to ‘know’ when it was likely. I personally have trouble relating to this since I’m (here goes, stereotype) one of those ’20yo virgins’ (that appear to some to be a protected species), whose majority of friends are also 20yo virgins. It has nothing to do with religion, but the circles that I associate with (despite my being a ‘typical’ ‘whitie’ ‘Westie’) mostly have a very strong cultural influence and a focus on absolute academic performance, sometimes to the detriment of personal life (the effect of going to a strong selective school in the Western suburbs, I guess). I have a brilliant relationship with my mum, and she has suggested I be more sociable (forget sex, I’m talking baby steps: I hate alcohol, parties, clubbing and have never so much has had a bf). I wouldn’t change a thing about all this, and when I am ready, I will be more ‘sociable’.
My point in saying all this is that I completely appreciate this article, but when it comes to decisions as personal as this, no generalisations can be made. Many people posting on this board are generalising too far one way or the other. There is no ‘right’ age. The most important thing is just to be ready, which I think, if I’m not very much mistaken, is exactly the point of this article. Why can’t people accept this and stop trying to draw lines in the sand?
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For one, yes, perhaps Melanie was being somewhat flippant about ages, but think about it in terms of 20 creeping away from the average age of virginity loss (for want of a better term) it’s easy to see how she is trying to make such a subject more palatable. If you choose to wait for 20, 30 or 40 years, or abstain completely, IT IS YOUR CHOICE. If you are so uncomfortable with this that you need to attack a (somewhat) faceless writer, you have bigger problems.
On to me. My sex ed was pretty much attributed to Google. My mother has never given me ‘the talk’. I recall her giggling to me about giving my older brother ‘the talk’ when she thought it was relevant for him, but it never came to me. (Thank you, double standards.) Upon discovering my cache of condoms, there was an confrontation where she called me disgusting. At nineteen. And I first had sex at 18. But that being said, my mother is a Catholic and Indian. Great combination.
I don’t feel lacking, at all just wish that our relationship was more accommodating. Bravo Melanie.
P.S. Thoughts on the Pill ladies (and gentlemen!)?
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This article has proved a very important point – that opinions about teenagers, contraception and the ‘sex talk’ are strong and range widely between both extremes. So isn’t it then a great thing that this has been posted online for us all to debate? The fact that this article has been posted is testament to the fact that teenage sexuality is a topic that commands a reaction from parents of teenagers, teenagers themselves and anyone who thinks they know something about teenagers. Some of the commenters below have been horrified that this mother would approach the topic with her daughter in a knee-jerk reaction to finding out that her daughter had a serious boyfriend. Whilst I might agree that immediately putting her daughter on the pill may not have been 100% necessary, I believe that the ability of a mother to talk openly about sex and the possible consequences is an admirable thing.
I am 21 years old and lost my virginity this year to my boyfriend who was also a virgin (late bloomers, I know, but I am proud to say I was able to wait until I had a loving partner and was in a meaningful relationship). As a teenager my parents always talked openly about sex and contraception and not being pressured to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. When my relationship with my boyfriend became serious, I felt confident and knowledgeable enough to see my GP and discuss contraception. I think the fact that my parents were always open about sex avoided making it a taboo topic and hence when I was ready to do it, I didn’t feel dirty or embarrassed going to get contraception.
So basically to all the parents of teenagers – if you encourage an open dialogue with your kids and provide them with information without pressuring them into telling you what they may or may not be up to, you can provide them with the self-confidence and build their self-efficacy so that when their time comes they will be able to protect themselves and make smart decisions. When it comes down to it, teenagers will do what they want but if they do it safely then that is the best outcome.
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I’ve discussed nearly everything with my 15 year old daughter, whether she likes it or not! The day I saw an epside of Dr Oz discussing the increase of anal sex between teenagers, she thought she’d died and gone to hell during the car ride home from school
I’ve got an 11 month old son too, so she’s seen the good, the bad and the very, very ugly side of unsafe sex! Not that he was unplanned, but she’s seeing the reality. We’ve got an appointment this week for her to go on the pill. I’ve discovered though it’s a couple of months late, but she’s assured me she uses condoms. I’d been asking her if she’d had sex for a while and she kept saying no, but when she suddenly got a kidney infection (the first one in 8 years), I mentioned a few things that can trigger UTI’s, leading on to kidney infections. So she came clean.
Her dad on the other hand is in denial. She’s also admitted to drinking ocassionally, and I refuse to accept this. Not at 15. I’d rather send her off to a party with a packet of condoms, that condone (by not stopping) her drinking, potentially leading to her having unsafe sex. And not knowing it’s happened until she wakes up! Where as her dad will pick her up from a party, knowing she’s had a couple of drinks. He’s of the “if she’s going to do it, we can’t stop her” school of thought. I am too, but about sex. Not alcohol.
My family too has a long line of teenage pregnancy. NOt through religion, but lack of communication. Communication is so very, very important. Uncomfortable at times yes, but just go for it. What’s the worst that can happen – you both blush and mumble? The meaning will be understood.
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Are you serious, you would send your 15 year old to a party with a pack of condoms? Firstly i would only let my 15 year old attend a party where parental supervision was in place. Alcohol and condoms among st 15 year olds at a party without such supervision is dangerous.
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Why? People who are educated about sex are less likely to do anything on a whim, and are more likely to be safe about it.
Mrsbraid said she’d rather send her off with condoms than with booze – she didn’t say she does.
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My Mum sent me to parties with condoms at about 15…I lost my virginity at 18 when I was at uni. It doesn’t encourage you to have sex, it reminds you of the need to be safe. If anything it stopped one of my best mates knocking up a LOT of girls in high school because the condoms were always given to him. Mrs Braid, providing condoms is a good thing, some things can be treated or ‘made go away’ but sadly (or happily maybe eventually) they can also be for life!
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What a great, frank, accurate article Melanie. I loved the ‘I’m sort of ok / sort of not’ equivocation, which I think is very realistic. It’s another thing we muddle through and it sounds (to me) like you did a great job. Her dad’s reaction was priceless, and totally believable. I might use your line about the pill helping periods too because I think it’s going to go down much the same in our household.
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I was 19 when I had my first baby. I was very determined not to be a nan before 40, so my oldest kids definitely got a contraception talk (and some condoms). I was working at the school /high school side of nursing for a while and was able to casually hand condoms over saying I’d got them at work, along with info we used to say to the high schoolers. I’ve never been more appreciative of my job than I was then.
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I wish I could have open discussions like that with my parents! However, I’m an only child and they’ve always been rather strict, so I’m not leaning towards any deep&meaningfuls any time soon. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months, my parents don’t know that we’ve done basically everything except sex (at his place).
I’m lucky because I’ve got a group of friends I can talk to. Plus one of my best guy friends is in a long-time relationship and is always ready with (occasionally overly-graphic) tips and advice. Though I freaked out majorly when he gave me some condoms the other day at school, ‘just in case’. I appreciate the thought, certainly, but passing them under the table to me in Geography class wasn’t the most inconspicuous choice…
By the way, is it safe to keep condoms in your purse/wallet? I don’t want to damage them, but I’m also not keen on my parents finding them.
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Rather embarrassingly, however, my boyfriend’s dad knows about some of it, due to the time he busted us at his house. He knocked, but then when bf yelled “Wait, wait!” he burst in to find us on the bed, both shirtless. I was holding my T-shirt in front of me in some attempt at dignity, with a face like a stunned goldfish. Also I tend to have a – unfortunate – reputation as a “goody two shoes” girl (comes from being the school principal’s daughter), so bf’s dad was even more surprised. He never told anyone about it though, thank God.
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The main issue with keeping them in your wallet is the heat and friction from being stored there could deteriorate the rubber and reduce the efficiency of the condom. Tampon boxes are excellent alternatives, because usually most people won’t want to check there. Of course, your mum might want to, but in a schol bag or pencil case might make her less likely to find it?
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I read a lot of the comments I feel there were some wrong assumptions made and questions left hanging. So i want to clear a few things up.
First of all I am the daughter -my name is Katerina- who has apparently been exploited. Some of the feed back is fantastic, however i feel i might want to add some details.
For the concerned ‘wowzers’ out there, as Glenn put it: My mum asked me before she posted this article, I completely trust her and I do not feel my sex life or I have been exposed.
No, my parents are not together, they split up a looong time ago (note the extended o’s) I actually live alone with my Dad and personally feel more comfortable talking to Mum about issues such as contraception (believe it or not) and like most kids would feel, did not want to give my Dad a heart attack.
He is quite happy with me using the pill, the boy in question is another story.
As for the time line; a joke, take it down a few notches. No-one should take it personally, I think it is a question of when you are ready in terms of sexual and emotional maturity.
Also, it has since been pointed out to me that a wallet is not the best place to contain my pills and have since reconsidered its whereabouts.
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Thank you for posting Kat. Perhaps your comments could have been part of the original article so that readers were given a more accurate picture of what your sex talk with your Mum actually involved.
As you saw a lot of people were concerned for you which is not about being a wowser really.
Humour is appreciated by lots of people here on the MM site but poor humour, such as the timeline and other comments, can set people off in a direction that the writer did not intend but that is the lot of being a writer.
I understand that children may feel that mum is the best person to talk to about sex but dads can also be brilliant at it.
Glad your pills are safe and that you are too.
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Wow Kat, good on you for responding. You sound like an incredibly well adjusted and intelligent young woman. I hope so much that I will have a similar relationship with my daughter in the years to come. I am trying to lay the groundwork now (she is 10). All the best to you. And tell your parents that they have done a fabulous job. xx
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So how is this article any more revealing about this young woman than all the responses below where people have divulged their ‘first times’ or early sexual experiences? And it’s not like the mother/writer of the post revealed her daughter’s name and address. Kat did this of her volition, which says she’s not ashamed (and nor has she reason to be).
As a website/blog Mamamia has never shied away from talking about sex in a lot of contexts, which has, more often than not, involved the poster discussing some intimate aspect of their sex life (which by implication involves their husband, partner, girlfriend etc.). The daughter has stated she was OK with the original post and the fact that she’s not hung up about it says quite a bit about her and more about other people, frankly, who are hung about it. It’s just sex! Perhaps, you’re put off by the fact she’s 16 — but that was kind of the point of the article. Teenagers–not all of course– are having sex whether their parents think they’re ready or not and this particular parent chose not to pretend it wasn’t going to happen.
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Katerina, I’m 19 and I feel like you have schooled me in maturity!
I wish I had the relationship you and your mother have.
xx
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As someone who actually knows the mother and daughter in this article i can attest to the fact that the daughter is definitely more grown up than some of the wowsers that have posted on this article!
And yes if you missed it there was humour used in the article.
The amount of assumptions made about the situation are just that, assumptions!
And @ Bradley – V-plates , demeaning?? Please!
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and is the daughter happy that her sex life exposed to all as the author choose to disclose her identity. Problem readers have I can only assume is we advise our children to not place this kind of info on fb, twitter or other social sites and here this childs mother has done that. Very poor taste. Secondly by reading the feedback from viewers around the age of 20 of whom are virgins , it has made them try to justify why its ok to be a virgin at that age when if fact they should be proud of it. Hmmm …
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WOWser assumptions!
You are assuming that the daughter’s identity is exposed-
Wowser assumption no. 1
Talking and writing about these issues in a public forum is a bad thing -
Wowser assumption no. 2
20 something V-Platers should be proud?-
Wowser opinion!
Are you saying anyone below the age of 20 should be ashamed of having sex?
Who are you to be the righteous judge and say it is poor taste?
It isn’t your life or your child!
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I think the author should have kept her name anonymous for this article if she is discussing her 16 year old daughters sex life. Secondly the author said tongue in cheek her daughter should get a wiggle along if she is still a virgin at 20 making people who are in fact virgins at this age uncomfortable. With all the promiscuity in teenagers these days such an inappropriate thing to say. We should encourage girls to wait until they are ready not push them along if they are a certain age. I am not saying be ashamed of having sex under 20 but I certainly would never make someone feel like there is a problem with them if they hadnt done the deed by then. Pls take the time and read the teenagers comments ont his blog and see how they felt about this piece. The virgins uncomfortable with her article. Not too pleased . No she is not my child but I do feel for her if people know her mother they can identify her . How inappropriate to have her sex life being exposed for many people to read. Would her mother be fine if her 16 year old daughter plastered on facebook her sexual experiences., I wonder. Sad…
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No doubt I will get moderated for this, but anyway: Natasha, your comments are more often than not judgmental and rather smug. That is all.
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Well I find your comments quite insipid Chef if I have to be honest. Just goes to show we are all different with different views and opinions.
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THats why I am glad we are all different Chef. I can handle your opinion of me. I however would not like to be described as insipid. Hate to be known as boring.
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Oh dear…
Natasha, seriously, lighten up a bit.
And teenagers–but not all, let it be said–have sex, fact of life. And if they’re my son or daughter I’d rather they were doing it safely and could have an open dialogue with me about it.
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Hey Natasha,
Been called many things in my life, but insipid is a first. But I’ll cop it as I think it’s better than say….,self righteous,smug, and judgmental.
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It really annoys me that so many people are attacking the writer (are these people the ones saying the waited until their 20′s? Hehe). I think this is a really great article, and one that is up with the times. So many parents live in denial about what is going on today. Do you know what? Kids are having sex (a lot younger than 16!) so judging this article and the author is not going to change the fact that your beloved daughter who you thought would wait until they were married is probably not a virgin anymore!! Uptight parenting just means that your children will go to greater lengths to hide what they are doing. I think being open (like the author) will lead to safer decisions. And to the people getting worked up about the timeline? Lighten up! A sense of humour goes a looong way!
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What is with the sleepover thing? I do NOT understand. I’m in my early twenties and not a virgin, my parents know this but still had a problem when I had my long term boyfriend sleep over, this was when we were asking to sleep in the same room, not even the same bed (and we stuck to this)… It seems there’s quite a few parents who do this and the fact that you don’t want people sleeping (literally) in the same bed says that you probably aren’t as comfortable as you think you are with them having sex… This is the only explanation I can think of, if anybody else has any ideas I would love to hear them.
I just think it’d be a lot clearer message to say to your kids one of two things- either that you’re ok with them having sex and you trust their judgement, that you want them to do it in a safe way/ place, etc., or, discuss it with them delicately, say you want to be open with them, you won’t stop them from doing it but you don’t think they should right now, with your reasons for this, and that it would be disrespectful in your house. Of course, this will probably only work if you’ve been attempting to have an open dialogue about ALL the aspects of the relationship but at least if you throw it out there, you haven’t gone along with something huge in their life that you are not okay with.
Also, I’m another commentor that isn’t comfortable with suggesting rushing out to get her the pill as soon as she has her first serious boyfriend. It’s your kid so maybe it’s right for you guys but it’s interesting that the majority of women on the pill are in their 20s, single, and looking for a long term relationship, and this seems to be the same approach you’ve taken. This really confuses me. The pill (the one I’ve been on anyway) takes about a month to kick in. If you’re looking for something serious then you wouldn’t need to be ready and raring to go the second you met someone and started in a serious relationship. Why not wait or at the very least use condoms for the first few times?
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i lost my virginity just after i turned 17.it was with my first boyfriend, we’d been together about 6 months or so when it happened. it was in no way romantic, we were both virgins, had no idea what we were doing and it hurt like hell.
never in a million years would i have told my mum, her parents were extremely religious and strict, and while not quite as religious, she is still incredibly old fashioned and conservative in her beliefs, i dont even think it occured to her that we would be such terrible immoral people as to have sex before we were married. i have no idea whether she was a virgin wen she was married or not because we have never been able to talk about this stuff. when i was 19 i borrowed a bag off her and forgot i left my pill in the zip up pocket wen i gave it back to her. she was disgusted, horrified and ashamed, she didnt speak to me for over a week!!
i was always envious of friends who could talk to their parents about sex and boyfriends and drinking…all the things that are issues as teens. ive had 3 serious boyfriends over the years (one of whom is now my hubby) and they all could always talk to their parents about anything, and they could never understand why i snuck around the way i did.
i told all manner of lies to mum – studying at a friends, working late shift, having a girls night at a close friend’s – in order to do the things i really wanted to do, go to parties…stay with my boyfriend…
i really, really hope that we can keep the lines of communication open with our son and any future kids we have so they feel comfortable to talk to us..i would love to have a daughter one day to have that chance, to let her talk to me the way i always wished i could talk to my mum…
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OMG – freaky – my story is EXACTLY the same as yours, right down to the “three boyfriends, third being husband thing”.
You’re so right though, I look forward to one day having a completely different and open relationship with my daughter (If I have one), very similar to the one the author of this post described.
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I wish I could have spoken openly with my parents too. My parents weren’t particularly religious but conservative parents who thought I was perfect goody goody two shoes but I wanted to experience life too.
At the age of 16, I found myself escorted by four so called friends into a car and was molested by them. I could have gotten out of the car and called my dad before it all started but I was too scared of his reaction. The events scarred me and I remember experiencing my first bought of anxiety directly after the incident. I promised myself on that day that when I became a mum, II would have open communication with my children no matter what the subject. My experience could have been prevented had my parents allowed me to speak openly.
The writer sounds like she is doing her best. The daughter is lucky to have her as a mum.
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Wow, guys, lighten up. I think this is a fantastic article (I am 23, single, and not religious or a virgin, but also never had a proper serious relationship for the record).
I can understand people taking offence to the timeline, however it is completely unnecessary (in my opinion). It was obviously meant as a tongue-in-cheek comment. Like it or not, most teenagers want to have sex. Not all, but most. That is all Melanie was getting at.
I mentioned that I have never had a boyfriend as there have been many times it has been implied to me through the media that this is not ‘normal’. And you know what, it’s not. I am fine with it. It has been my choice. But I don’t feel the need to have a big sook and blame the media for my insecurities as I am secure and happy in my life. The majority of the population honestly DO have sex before they’re 20. That’s all Melanie was getting at, I think. It wasn’t a personal attack on anyone that doesn’t for goodness sake.
As for not telling the father, Dads get weird about that kind of stuff. It’s the way it is.
And I am certain that Melanie would have discussed this with her daughter and she doesn’t mind or she wouldn’t have written it. I imagine that perhaps the daughter doesn’t mind because she and her friends/peers don’t read Mamamia anyway. That’s speculation, though.
Sorry for the rant, everyone of course has the right to their own opinion, this is just mine.
As for discussing it with my own mother, I didn’t at the time, and I still don’t have specific talks now. My mother always told me as a teenager that she was okay with me having sex/sleepovers as long as it was with someone that I was in a relationship with, and with someone that respected me. However the relationship ship (ugh, sorry for the pun) is still yet to sail! I knew she wasn’t comfortable with the concept of casual sex and ‘friends with benefits’ type situations which is why I didn’t talk about it with her when I was younger.
By now she knows I have had sex, and is fine with it, but I just don’t name names or anything like that. I don’t sleep around, and I have never been with anybody that I didn’t feel respected me. A boyfriend will come when the right man comes along for me. Not conventional, not that normal. But fine with me thus far.
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This issue was my group therapy question a while back now. My daughter had been in a relationship for a while at the time and I was asking for advice on how other parents handle the issue. At that time my daughter wasn’t sexually active but I knew that that could change.
My daughter and I had lots of conversations about relationships, about the importance of moving at her pace and that it was a decision that she needed to be 100% comfortable with.
We also talked about contraception and safe sex.
In the end, when she decided she was ready she wrote me a letter.
I’m still not entirely comfortable with sleepovers which she knows and so far they are very irregular.
The conversations haven’t been easy (for either of us) but we are both do glad that we had that open dialogue.
My only advice would be talk with your teenager, even if they’re not dating someone, even if you think they’re not ready to start having sex. Talk about the foundations of good relationships.
I still have the letter my daughter wrote because she said how much she appreciated all of those uncomfortable conversations.
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May I just observe that, if I was unwise enough to post such a judgement/joke/statement about the girl who has sex at fourteen, I would most probably be totally crucified on here? Perhaps the same kind of respect and consideration could be given to the twenty-year-old virgin…
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Telling my mother that I wanted to go on the pill (aged 17 – so I don’t think I actually *had* to consult her – aside from the utter grief I’d get if she found out without my telling her first) Well. It was horrid. There was rending of hair and beating of breasts and where did I go wrongs from her, and eh, but I am being sensible so you didn’t go wrong and hey, do you really want to be a grandmother from me. I’m having flashbacks!
What is more disturbing is having to have “The Talk” with your 60 something year old mother when she starts dating again after five years of widowhood… Telling her that condoms are a good idea and there’s more to worry about than getting pregnant when you’re having sex with someone for the first time….
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I’m concerned that she keeps her pill packet in her wallet where it could be subjected to changes in heat, exposed to light or accidentally popped out of the foil due to movement of your wallet. I have also seen pill packets kept in the bathroom; they shouldn’t be exposed to moisture or humidity.
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My mum was overseas on holidays when my first boyfriend and I reached that point (we were both 19). She and I had already discussed it hypothetically but I went and got the pill by myself. When she got back I mentioned that I’d started taking and she was fine. The weird bit was after she told Dad – I was sitting on the end of their bed on a weekend morning chatting and he kept looking sidelong at me and looking away when I met his gaze.
The other sex talk I had with my mother was a few years after Dad died (I was 30-ish). She said in one breath that she and Dad’s friend were an item and he was going to move down into her place and they were going to get married the following year. I rang her back soon after, once I picked my jaw up off the floor, and said, “Mum, you don’t have to marry him. If you’re just lonely and horny and it’s getting a bit rusty, just have sex with him.” She laughed, told me that my sister had already given her that speech, and reassured me that she did want to marry him.
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I agree with some other commenters that the ‘timeline’ is somewhat offensive. I get that it’s most likely an attempt at humour, but it’s a poor one and one that is likely to make young women who may already be uncomfortable with their sexual status feel even more alone. It would have done so for me.
I lost mine six months ago, at the age of 19. According to this article, had my mother known I was still a virgin at 19, she would have had cause to be concerned. I have always been slightly insecure, I think things though, and I never wanted to regret it. I lost it to someone I had known for about a month. Six months on I’m crazily in love with him and regardless of how the relationship ends up, I feel confident in the knowledge that I made the decision at a time that was right for me, that I felt 100% comfortable, that I wasn’t pressured, that I knew, totally and absolutely, that I was ready. And it was special and for me, personally, that was important.
Different things for different people. Some people lose theirs to a stranger at 17 and that’s right for them. Some people wait till marriage and that’s right for them. And 19 was right for me. It’s shallow to judge people based on that age and as I said above, it does nothing for virgins who may already be slightly uncomfortable about their age.
In answer to the question…my mother probably guesses that I lost mine to the current boy but would have no firm idea. Had I lost it at a younger age I might, maybe, have gone to her. As it is now, as much as I love my mother dearly, my opinion is that my business is my business. I feel no need to discuss it with her.
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OK so my eldest daughter is 5 so I have a long way to go. I would just hope 2 things when she has sex for the first time: She knows about safe sex and contraception, and she has sex with someone who cares about her.
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I’m finding it interesting that a lot of posts recently (like Em’s piece on breastfeeding) are turning into a dissection of whether the author has the permission of the people she/he is writing about and whether they’re ok with the post. Not saying that these aren’t valid questions, just that this seems to be the main focus of the discussion when the posts themselves already raise an interesting topic, but instead we have a lot of people making assumptions about permission and privacy etc. Of course these are all worthy concerns, but instead of focussing on what appears to be a really healthy and positive relationship between Melanie and her daughter, we are publicly vilifying her choice to discuss it.
One of the great things about this site is that we can talk openly and honestly. We can attach our name or face to our comments or remain anonymous. Some of us can be more candid when we remain anonymous but at the end of the day, it’s the authors choice whether or not to make themselves known or not.
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Why the pill?! What about STDs?!
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Condoms got a mention in the post – I think they had all bases covered.
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I tend to agree with a lot of what Melanie writes about here (some things more than others!)
The one aspect that I really don’t feel comfortable with is how Melanie decided to keep her daughter’s father out of the loop and then lied by omission about the reason her daughter was on the Pill. Melanie doesn’t specify whether she’s still in a relationship with him, and from my position I obviously have no idea about the normal level of communication and disclosure in their relationship. But suffice to say I’d be very hurt if my husband made a decision like that for our sons without consulting me.
Anyway, as to those questions at the bottom… I absolutely didn’t tell my parents about my early sexual encounters … or any subsequent encounters either … it was bad enough telling them I was pregnant … there was no denying it then!
As for my kids, well yeah I’d like to know. Ideally I would like them to wait for marriage but I’m not completely naive and I know that there’s a very good chance that won’t happen.
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The first my dad knew of my sex life was when I told him I was pregnant with Miss 9. I was 29 and all I kept thinking was “Now he knows I’ve had sex!”
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Precisely – I’ve done it THREE times only, y’hear that Dad?! And the third time was simply because I was intimidated by Peter Costello.
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I’m surprised you could do it the third time if you were thinking about Peter Costello.
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I crossed this rubicon recently with my 17 year old daughter. It was all very much led by her. She asked about sex and contraception but did neither for a few months until she felt ready. I can see her boyfriend treats her with love and respect and as a woman in her forties who has never found the right partner I feel that my daughter is lucky to have found someone who cares so much about her. Can’t say I love sleepovers. I live in a small house. But the relationship has unfolded in a mature and thoughtful way so it’s kind of hard to tell them to have sex somewhere else (besides his parents are much more laissez faire – a whole other kettle of fish) In the end I think the most important thing is that she feels comfortable in the relationship and that it doesn’t dominate her life, which it doesn’t. She has told me in no uncertain terms that she likes the sex. Lucky her!
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I loved this post. This mum is spot on! I am a mum of 3 daughters 16-24 and I agree with pretty much everything she said. I have tried to have an open healthy dialogue about sex and it has worked for us. I also accept that teens will often do it regardless of whether we parents think it is a good idea or not. I run a blog on tumblr for eating disorder awareness and also get lots of messages from teenagers . So many of them are lost and their parents have no clue what they are dabbling in. Teens are having sex, taking drugs, drinking themselves silly and starving themselves in droves . Please people don’t judge get with the damn program and better still check out blog sites and see what teenagers and possibly your teen could be really up to.
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Society already places too much pressure on young people to lose their virginity at an early age; like many others here I find you asking ‘what’s wrong’ to still not have lost it at 20 unsettling. There is absolutely no rush and shouldn’t be the pressure that there is surrounding it. At 18 and still a virgin, I feel almost a sense of urgency, though it’s entirely my decision to wait for someone I love. Ignorant comments like that serve only to increase societal pressure and force more young people into doing it earlier than they otherwise would have.
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I agree, Vanessa. I didn’t go there until about 24, so try not to stress too much at 18 – sometimes the right person doesn’t come along until a bit later, and that’s ok. xx
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I have to say I really liked this post. As someone who works with teenagers (and often has teenagers emailing me with their concerns) … I think what’s healthy is the open dialogue Melanie had and continues to have with her daughter. I find that really refreshing.
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Do you think its slightly inappropriate that this woman gives her identity on this site to us all and exposes her daughters sex life?
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Hi Natasha
No, I don’t. And here’s why. A number of our writers use pen-names to mask their identity. Or they change slight details in the piece … for all we know Melanie’s daughter is now 19 and couldn’t care less about this info being online. (I’m not saying that she is 19 – just that she could be …). Also, I trust that being such an open communicator with her daughter – she would have discussed this piece with her before she sent it to us. So I’m not worried at all. And I think the big picture is that it’s encouraged more parents to have open chats with their teens.
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Thanks for your reply bec, my other concern with this article is her tongue in cheek way of voicing her opinion about her daughter perhaps being 20 and still a virgin. ( making it a concern & come on get a wiggle on ), Not funny and seriously may allow many young girls to feel inadequate if they are still virgins . In my eyes kind of disrespectful. But that is my personal view. Two reasons I think this article is totally inappropriate.
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I definitely see your point about the virgin joke. And I’d hate for other readers to feel “odd” for being virgins after the age of 20. But overall, I liked the message of Melanie’s post and it all makes for interesting discussion!! Thanks for taking the time to comment, Natasha.
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This article made me uncomfortable. Has your daughter given you her blessing to talk about her sex life? Even if she has, do you think it’s wise to share it with everyone? And you really lied to your husband about her sexuality? But then told all of us?
Oops. hit save too soon. Anyway, I wanted to say that I went on the pill at 16 and didn’t come off it until i wanted to get pregnant at 31, and WHAMMO I finally felt my libido. It had been suppressed by hormones for 15 years. I’m going to talk to my daughter about all the different types of contraception other than the pill. There surely must be something better.
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God I hope so. No where near having kids yet, but the pill is not all it’s sold to be….
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I think it’s great when people have an open relationship with their children about sex. I remember back in high school (we must’ve been about 16 or 17) a friend telling me that her mum took her to the pharmacy to buy condoms because she’d told her that she was going to have sex with her boyfriend. I was shocked! I never felt comfortable enough talking to my mum about sex and I still don’t. I didnt tel her when I lost my virginity at 17 (she assumes I lost it much later) and I still don’t tell her anything about my sex life. Don’t get me wrong, my Mum is great and we have a good relationship but I guess I just always felt a bit….weird about going there, I guess.
Is 16 too young? Back when I was 16 I knew plenty of people losing their virginity. Most people I know were probably about this age. 16 year olds seem incredibly young to me these days but it would be naive of me to assume that they are not having sex. Whether or not adutls think 16 is too young, they’re gonna be doing it anyway so we might as well inform them. I think it’s all ok if they feel ready and it feels right for both people. However, it’s when the girl feels pressured/not ready/talked into it, that maybe things were not right.
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Awesome article! I love your outlook, it sounds really healthy and realistic. Also, seems like a lovely relationship with your daughter to have her feel comfortable enough to discuss sex with you. As a mum of a bub this issue is still a long way off for me! But I am aiming to be open and honest with her about sex, contraception etc.
I never told my mum when I started having sex but only because I have a blabber mouth older sister:) I was allowed sleepovers with my bf from when I was 16, Mum said she would prefer us to have sex in a safe bed rather than in parks or cars like she and dad were forced to. My parents were very strict on other things, like drinking before we were 18, but sex was never a negative issue.
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Wow, as a 41 year old virgin (YES, they do exist) I find the “now I’m getting concerned” and “is there a problem?” comments deeply offensive. I’ve chosen not to have sex for religious reasons, but regardless of the reason I really don’t find it a big deal. And I can’t understand why other people find it a big deal. Does my sexual activity define me? Is the fact that I am celibate honestly ‘concerning’ for people? If so… man, you really need to re-evaluate your priorities.
I have a great life, and if/when I choose to have sex (and there have been plenty of opportunities; I simply chose not to take them) I will STILL have a great life, because I am doing things I love to do and I’m totally happy being me – and that has nothing to do with whether I’m having sex or not. Maybe it will add another dimension to my life, but not having sex doesn’t take anything away from my life.
I do understand that this article was meant to be funny and lighthearted, but even as a joke there is judgment implicit in being ‘concerned’ that someone is leaving it too late to have sex. Lighthearted, funny pressure is still pressure.
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I agree with your comments. I’m a 21 year old virgin and not because I have some sort of ‘problem’. Like you, I have had boyfriends and offers from guys, but for personal reasons I am waiting until I feel like I am in a relationship with someone I will spend the rest of my life with. I dislike how there is an implication that if you do not have sex by a certain age that there is something ‘wrong’ with you.
I acknowledge and respect that everyone sees sex differently but I don’t appreciate jokes made about people who wait to have it.
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Was this piece meant to be lighthearted and funny/cute?
I was put off after the ages she would or would not find acceptable. It just read very childish to me on a subject that is anything but.
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Thank you, finally an article about teenagers. As a mother of a 13 year old I am very interested to hear the experiences/opinions of others with teenage children or from a young persons experience about a lot of topics. More please.
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Hi Bel,
I agree. My older daughter turns 13 this week. She knows a lot about sex – we’ve always answered her questions honestly – but is otherwise fairly immature. Her grandparents have suggested a subscription to Dolly or Girlfriend for her birthday.
Which of the two mags would be more appropriate, do you think? Could any mums of girls this age help me please??
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Definitely girlfriend would be more appropriate! As a 17 year old I still find Dolly to be too sexually orientated for my liking. Girlfriend is a good starting place for sure, I’ve been subscribed for years
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Good on u mum!!
I told my (strict) mum a few months after the deed with my steady bf when i had just turned 16. I said i wanted to go on the pill – to help with bad periods aswell but also hinted there were other reasons. She freaked out!!! Said i had shamed her, etc, so was not brought up again. Fast forward to nearly turning 17 and i was pregnant (same bf). I spent WEEKS, days and days wagging school, trying to find an abortion clinic that would help me without my parents authorisation cos there was NO WAY i was going to tell them. I finally found one and was booked in and they found out (it was probably obvious) a few days before. They were very caring, understanding, upset that i hadnt felt i could come to them (derr). My mum came with me and my bf on the day…by this time i was 11 weeks pregnant.:((. I accept my own stupidity and consequences back then and dont blame my mum at all, but i know when my daughter comes to me i will suck up my own feelings of discomfort and give a bit more guidance so she doesnt find herself in such a shitty situation.
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There are certainly a lot of valid points being made today! I wonder about the author’s daughter’s privacy though.
It’s my understanding that many people won’t publish photos of their children online in order to maintain their privacy. This article seems a million times worse to me. What sixteen year old wants their sex life to be the subject of an article written by their mother? And then published online for anyone to read?
The author certainly seems to have done a great deal to keep her daughter safe and to keep the lines of communication open, however I feel that publishing an article like this is a gross breach of privacy. Even if the author’s daughter is ok with it now, she is only sixteen. There may come a time when she does not want everyone who meets her/interviews her for a job/picks up her business card to find this on the internet as part of a google search.
I would be very interested in hearing from the staff at MM about what their thought processes were when they published this article.
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Fair point, but perhaps we should give the author some credit and assume this is something that she’s already addressed with her family (given that she’s a freelance writer).
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I don’t think we should make assumptions about the author. Many writers write under a pseudonym. This could be the case and her daughter’s name is not mentioned.
I write under my own name but my kids have a totally different surname to me and thus would be unlikely to come up in a google search related to any of my writing.
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The article was submitted to us by the author. We have no problem with it at all, it’s her decision, her family and her sense of humour that shows through the post. Personally I quite liked the discussion points it led to.
What we didn’t anticipate and probably find less appropriate is the pulling apart of her decision to write this post and the judgement on her parenting.
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I understand Lana, however perhaps it would be more appropriate for the author to remain anonymous to this article. Discussing her `16 year old daughters sex life on a public forum comes across as inappropriate. We as parents are always informing our children to be careful on social sites and here a mother with her name is exposing her child.
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Thanks for your reply Lana.
I don’t believe that I was passing judgement on the author’s parenting. However I don’t think that it is unfair to ask about her daughter’s privacy. It is, after all, her daughter she is writing about and, potentially, her daughter who will get to live with the consequences. I take the above points that the writer may have discussed it with her family or may write under a different name.
Perhaps a better way to phrase my question, as a discussion point, would be to ask “how would you feel if your 16 year old daughter published an article about having sex, in a way that potentially identified her and couldn’t be withdrawn?”
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I agree with you on this LK. I think if you are willing to publish an article on a controversial topic and to make public your parenting decisions, then you should be willing to accept varying views and opinions on your decisions. I agree with you Lana that the discussion points have been interesting.
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I lost mine at 16 with no dramas, there were condoms, he was my boyfriend, it was in a bed, nothing particularly interesting but at least it was safe. I didn’t tell my mum. We never had any ‘talk’ and it wasn’t until three years later, this May, when I decided to get an IUD that I told her, and it was all very awkward but they don’t let you drive home after you get one in so I needed a lift. I’m an aspring nurse/midwife and I hope to be open about sex with my kids, but I guess I won’t know til I have them… my firm insistence on using condoms back before my IUD (and of course I still use them unless I’m in a relationship and we’ve both been tested, I don’t even tell guys I have it) was solely due to Dolly Doctor and Girlfriend; I learned everything from them since I went to a Catholic school. I would happily pay for my future daughter’s subscriptions because certain sections are an absolute gem
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I used to love Dolly Doctor.
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My mum did the same for me, got me on the pill when I was dating someone before we had decided to have sex. But the downside of this was less caution, as once a boy knew you were on the pill, he was essentially off the hook. So as much as I wouldn’t want my little girl knocked up at an early age, I would hate for her caution levels to drop just because she was on the pill and leave her self open to diseases. So I don’t know what to do for my little one, mind you hopefully I still have 14 + years before I need to find a solution!
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This poor girl. Information stays on the Internet for a very long time. Imagine school tomorrow for her if a teacher, student or parent reads this. What about her boyfriend’s privacy in all of this!
I feel for this girl, I really do. Her confidentiality and privacy have been torn apart by the very person who should protect it at all costs.
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I was 16, it was not with a steady BF, and I have never regretted it for a second (no I was not the town bike either, more like the quiet geek). And yes my parents found out because the first thing I did when I got home from my best friend’s house where I had been at a ‘sleepover’ was write all about it in my journal, which my mother promptly read when I went out later that day. Her justification was that she thought I was on drugs and was worried, and a very large $hit storm erupted over it (my parents are quite conservative and would probably have preferred I stay a virgin until marriage).
My take on it, with a nearly 2 year old son, is that the battle of wills I had with my parents about decisions I made as a teenager (sex, social smoking, social drinking, occasional weed) did not mean that I bent to their wishes, but that I partook in activities behind their back with no parental guidance. I hope that when my boy is old enough to be exposed to these things that we can have open and frank discussions, and I can help him do things in the safest possible way. Doesn’t necessarily mean I will agree with what he does though!
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Great article. With three daughters I can only hope I’m able to have such an open discussion with them.
Our combined families have no history of teenage pregnancy, but the area we live in does.
As for the style of the article mentioned a lot below. sex is funny, the article is light humour, love it.
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Interested to know what you think about the author keeping the dad out of the loop?
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I think she probably knows her husband and took family harmony and white lies over, perhaps for him, an unpalatable truth.
At sixteen, her daughter is becoming an adult. A bit of judgement free adult to adult discussion helps her mature in a way that might not be possible with the Dad involved.
White lies make the world go round. I’m cool with that.
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Interesting thought.
I guess I was thinking of the shoe being on the other foot. I’d feel very let down if my husband made a similar decision on behalf of my son at the same age without consulting me.
Of course it’s all a moot point at the moment, what with my eldest being 9 and all. I’ll probably change my mind a thousand times before then. Maybe.
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You never lie to your husband?
Not even about us?
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No! I actually don’t lie to my husband – not about money and not about potentially dubious conversations with other men. Many times I’ve been tempted to keep certain details from him but I cave within 24 hours. I abhor deception for the sake of being deceitful.
And yeh, that means he knows all about us haha
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I told my mum a few months afterwards.
(Of course at the time it was all hush hush but I went to my boyfriends house when i finished school early one day and told my folks I was going to the shops.)
In the end I decided to tell my mum because I thought my parents (I assumed Mum would tell Dad and I wouldnt have to have that convo) would lighten up on my boyfriend and I if they knew the inevitable had already happened.
Before then it was sleepovers, strictly in seperate rooms, but only when we were getting home really late from something (he lived 30 mins from me) and strictly no closed doors at any time. I even got in trouble once for going into the spare room in the morning in my nightie after he slept over.
Second reason I told my mum was because I was having terrible periods (was already on the pill because of that) and had an appointment with a gyno… figured the doc would ask and that would have been awkward if mum didn’t know!
Anyway, I was 16 and it was the most awkward conversation I have ever had. Was never mentioned again… and the folks didn’t lighten up anyway!
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I’m 31 and lost my virginity at 17 1/2 on high school graduation night, but I was considered a late starter.
I remember a girl in my year 9 class fearing she was pregnant.
I have some friends who lost their virginity at 12.
Many others had sex for the first time at 14.
A lot of my male friends had sex with older girls, eg they were 14 and the girl was 18 (I have no idea why a girl that age would look at anyone younger, but anyway).
Today’s teenagers are more exposed to sex than my generation was. Girls giving oral sex or having sex in an effort to be cool is more common than we want to think. Many boys find it embarrassing if they haven’t had sex yet.
Just because your teenager doesn’t have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend, doesn’t mean they are not having sex.
The Pill AND condoms are necessary: sexually transmitted disease stats are proving that unsafe sex is common, especially Chlamydia and Herpes.
Also, the Gold Coast recently saw a rise in HIV transmittal due to a popular performer knowingly spreading it – for every girl he slept with without protection, she must have gone on to have sex with several more guys without condoms, then those guys with girls and so on. It’s a very sobering thought…
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i think being open and honest about it is fantastic – having grown up in the country, there was always the option to go “parking” as everyone had their own cars as soon as they turned 17 and got their p-plates (it was the only mode of transport available)
unfortunately, “parking” meant that you would be on your own, out on a backroad or in a paddock, with no help available if the guy you were with turned nasty, and no way out if you wanted to bail (one car, both of you in it, only way to back home!)
i’d much rather my kids (when i have them) feel like they are able to have safe, consensual sex under my roof where there is help available if they need it, and someone there for them if they need it. mind you, most girls in the country start having sex at 14 or 15, with their (usually) 17 – 19 year old boyfriends, so maybe my view is a little skewed! (i was considered “late” losing mine at 17)
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I’ve already commented on this post but on a different note, a lot of people have commented blindly that “16 is too young to be having sex!”. I think this is where a lot of parents run into trouble and alienate their children. You may think 16 is too young, but chances are your 16 year old doesn’t. Are they in a steady relationship? Have they thought about their decision? Then chances are they’re going to be doing it, whether you think they’re too young or not, and essentially they’re doing it for the right reasons.
So I think it would be far better for your relationship with your child to openly discuss it and offer to look into contraceptives than to simply say “16 is too young” and forbid them from doing it. They will do it anyway, trust me!
Also, some 16 year olds probably are too young and doing it for the wrong reasons. But if you discuss this with them and tell them your own experiences and what they’ve taught you, they might still do it, but at least you’ve done what you can and they don’t hate you.
It’s so easy to alienate your teenage children – I saw it when I was a teenager and again in my experience as a high school teacher – and often children with overbearing parents are the worst behaved. Being involved, caring and concerned is the best approach.
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Couldnt have said it better myself!
My parents took that line with me, and to this day, i doubt they know what i was up to for years. Im not going to blame them for the fact i started at 15 or anything, but i think the ‘too young’ argument is invalid. At the time, no one could have successfully convinced me that i was too young, even though in hindsight i rushed what could have been a special thing; but support from parents is key in making sure things arent then conducted behind their back.
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What age is the ‘too young’ argument valid for, then?
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Good point Em – as I said in my other lost below, I started having sex at 15 and in retrospect think it was too young. But even though I think that now, I didn’t then. I guess my point is that the “you’re too young!” line probably won’t work for your kids – even if they’re 12, which believe it or not many of them are when they start.
Instead I would personally try open discussions and advice based on personal experience, as many other commenters have suggested.
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Oh, my comment wasn’t directed at you, Zoe
It was in response to ‘anon today’ who had said that “the ‘too young’ argument is invalid.”
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I find this quite fascinating.
A few weeks ago we were all discussing what age makeup should be worn, and I felt that most responded 14 and below too young.
We jump a year and suddenly we should be open to sex?
Then there was the convo about how old is to old to loose the v-ates and a lot of ppl were in their 20s and ok with that to extent.
I’m not sure – I think teenagers are old enough emotionally for sex – but that is my personal ideals. I do agree that being opened and honest is the right thing though.
Personally I would prefer to see more teaching about emotional responses to sex in sex-ed classes.
Anyway – starting to dribble now so shall end it here. Was more about observing a few conversations around the place…
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Fascinating point!
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This article is all over the place for me.
Having a 13 year old daughter and 2 teen sons aged 16 and 17 – it really is relevant to our lives right now however, I think that much of what was written is too flippant. Children are growing up way too fast these days, having sex early, drinking early and having such a wide range of illicit drugs available to them. Just because it is all there for the taking, I would never encourage them to partake in any of it as young teens.
For the record – we have always been open to our children when talking about sex, bodily changes etc. Always talked about things in general and let them know they can come to either their dad or I with any questions. However, my daughter, at the age of 13, would be mortified if her brothers found out she had her period. Her father is not to mention it and even I, the one who has spoken about these things all of their lives, am asked to not talk about it. It is just that she needs to get comfortable with this new change in her life at her own pace and not by my ‘timeline.’
We have an open relationship – the children say so and so do we however, I also had an open relationship with my mum but truthfully? I didn’t want to talk to her about bodily changes or sex. At all. Ever.
Like many others here, I am quite put out by the losing the ‘v-plates’ timeline. If that is a serious timeline I am disappointed that a caring mother would think like that and I do believe that Melanie is a caring mother.
As their parent, I encourage my teenagers to wait as long as possible for this experience, to ensure that they are ready emotionally and are not just doing it because they think everyone else is. Because guess what? Not everyone else is!
And guess what? It will happen for them when it’s time, whether I am ready or not.
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As the mother of a 16 year old boy I think this is one of the most sensible articles I have read on teenage sex.
Is my son son having sex? I don’t think so, but I honestly don’t know. He doesn’t have a girlfriend right now, but he has had them in the past. Am I OK with him having sex at 16 – well no, actually. However me being OK with it or not won’t stop it from happening.
We (his dad and I) talk openly about sex to him (much to his dismay a lot of the time!) We discuss being ready and being responsible. I’m not sure that he would tell me outright if he was having sex, which is why all the talking is so important. I haven’t actually given him any condoms yet, but reading this article has prompted me to go get some ASAP!
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Great post and I wish my mum had been more like you! I was 16 and I was ready. My mum wasn’t and refused to talk about it, and refused to take me to the doctor, so I used condoms. She was so angry when she found out because she thought I was irresponsible; she didn’t understand what condoms were and that they were in fact able to prevent both pregnancy and STD’s unlike the pill that only prevented pregancy. Her views and opinions were heavily clouded by a religious and aggresive upbringing which I had never been exposed to, nor knew about. From my point of view, she was just outdated and had no understanding of my own maturity. When I have my own daughter/s I will follow the same theory you have and make sure they are protected and supported regardless of their choice.
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