The whole foundation of my life, my close-knit loving family, had been shattered. Irreversibly changed.
by ANONYMOUS
When I was 27 my parents split up. They took me to a local café, bought me a milkshake and told me my mum was moving out. I couldn’t breathe.
I was only recently engaged and so at the highest high of my life, deliriously happy… I was forced to earth with the harshest of thuds.
The whole foundation of my life, my close-knit loving family, had been shattered. Irreversibly changed.
I’d seen it coming. But then again, I hadn’t. They’d been married for more than 30 years, and I just thought after that long you get your shit together and sort it out.
For my whole life to that point I’d thought theirs was an idyllic relationship, the one I always dreamed of. They held hands, they kissed each other hello and goodbye every day, they travelled, they had good friends, they rarely fought. To me, it seemed like they were best friends. Where had it all gone wrong?
The problem with being an adult child of divorce is that you understand everything that’s happening. You feel the very real and raw pain of your parents, every word that goes unsaid, and every awkwardly polite exchange.
In many ways, it’s the worst kind of break-up because (unlike your girlfriends) you can’t console one party by bitching about the other. You have to stay completely neutral, try not to lay blame and be on everyone’s side. It’s exhausting.
The thing is, no one seems to realise how hard it is. Most seem to think it’s no big deal. So many times I’ve been told, “Well at least it didn’t happen when you were young”, and that’s true. I don’t live at home and I have my own life. But the reason I had the confidence to tackle the big wide world head-on was that I had that solid base to start from and return to if anything went wrong. Without that, I felt completely lost, as though the rug had been pulled right from under me.
I do realise that whatever I’m going through is nothing compared with my parents
It’s not just my family going through this. Separation in couples over 50 is rapidly increasing. In fact it’s doubled in 20 years, a phenomenon known as “The Grey Divorce”. Most of those couples leave behind adult children, forced to navigate a new family dynamic, which can be incredibly tricky.
I do realise that whatever I’m going through is nothing compared with my parents. As much as it’s changed my life – I still have my loving husband to go home to. They made it through the largest part of forever, only to have to start again.
But I’ll admit it’s forced me to ask myself, “How can I now believe in my own happy ever after?” The answer to that one is simple…I’m not my parents. And their experience has taught me you can never stop working on your relationship. Never take your eyes off the prize.
What I don’t have the answer to is how this new-look family will work. I’ve spent all of my life having a stable family home. I have no idea how to cope with ‘the team’ divided. There’s so much said about how parents should handle a divorce when children are involved, but I’ll admit I’m completely lost with how adult children should handle their parents.
The author of this article is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous.
Are your parents still together? Have you ever had an experience with ‘grey divorce’?
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Comments
128 Comments so far
I’m 25 and my parents are about to get a divorce. It’s weird though. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been wanting them to get one because we were all so miserable in the house, but I was hoping it would have happened while my brother and I were still kids. I’m not sure how I feel about it…
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I’m really glad I found this. I’m 22 years old and I’m exhausted by my parents. They already got divorce 1 year ago but they still fight about stupid stuff and I always get to be in the middle. Unlike others here, I still live at home with my mom, and I do depend of my dad to pay me college. I love them both but I cannot take it anymore. I’m really really exhausted. My dad thinks I don’t love him and that I’m on my mom’s side & my mom says I don’t love her and that I prefer my dad. I really hope this ends soon. I think the worst thing that a person could go through is divorce when you are an adult, in my case where I depend on both of my parents
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I am glad I found this article. It is nice to see that I am not the only one having a hard time dealing. I recently found out from my father that my mother intends to leave my father (once she can afford to move her business and herself out of the home). She has also asked for a divorce. I find this heartbreaking, as they have been married nearly 31 years. I have one older brother, who has taken my mother’s side. I try to stay neutral, but that is a little hard when I know my mother is having at least an emotional affair. My father is aware of it, but I suspect it is physical. My mother intends to leave my father, just as her “friend” plans to leave his wife. He has two kids he will have to pay child support for, if they stay with their mother.
All of this is so hard for me to deal with. I called my mother out on her intentions, and she has told me that our relationship is irrepairable. It is a shame. I have apologized for my comments to her, but she did not give me the respect to look at me, but rather I had to apologize to the back of her head. I never hit my mother or called my mother an unfit mother or say she ruined my life, like my brother did to her. But to her, that is all forgivable. But me making one comment makes our relationship irrepairable. I don’t understand. I am having to deal with this, all while finding out that I am pregnant with what will be my parent’s first grandchild.
I know my mother is jealous of me. She wishes my brother would be better than me. I was the first to be engaged. I was the first to get married. I have a very stable home, a wonderful spounse, and am very successful, unlike my brother. My mother can’t just be happy for me. If I do better than her, she gets mad at me. I swear she has a mental health issue, but she will never seek help for it, as she says she has no problem.
Because of my parents actions with the inpending divorce, I have taken it upon myself to not tell my parents about my pregnancy. We plan to tell my husband’s family shortly, and be very joyess, but sadly I won’t share the news with my family. I have decided since my mother has disowned me, that there is no need for her to ever meet her grandchild, or to ever have a relationship with them. I don’t want my mother to find out about the pregnancy, so I am not telling my father. I considered myself to be close with my father, but lately our relationship has been distant because of the divorce, and his lack of wanting to work on his marriage. I can only prey they work it out, for the sake of everyone. Only time will tell, but this waiting game is no fun. I just wish it was over, and we all move onto tomorrow.
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i announced my engagement in august 2011 to my boyfriend of five years. i relocated to be with him in 2012 summer from europe to a mediterranean country. three weeks into my stay in the new country (from where my parents are from) i found my father texting his gfriend while at dinner with my fiances parents. i kept it a secret for three weeks and then my mother found out accidently. i have since been looking for a job, setting up a house, trying to figure out if i can live in this new country and been babysitting my mother.
i am so angry, frustrated, sad, depressed – all those all in one. i feel hopeless. like this black hole will only get deeper. i see a glimpse of hope then something happens and it goes black again. i cant stand living in this new country. i cant find a job because i am overqualified with ten years experience. i just turned 33 and am a woman.
to top it all off my mother has just tourned sour on me for neglecting her recently/ because you guess it, they had another fight and i didnt go over to her place to be with her because i was busy with interviews. i really cant stand it and am not clear what the way out is. do i live here. do i quit and go back to europe where i can freelance till i find a good role. it is all so so so dark.
adult children of divorce have it the worst i think. cant agree more that we play SO many different roles. AND have to continue with our lives as well. no pscyhologist seems to help. they all say live your own life. to which i have been trying but am only getting more bullied.
i pray it will get better…..
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I’m going through almost the exact same thing. I have one little sister (18, college freshman) and two older sisters (22, and 24-married) I just got engaged in October, and a few weeks ago I was the first of the daughters to hear the news. They told me they were getting a divorce and that mom was moving out next week. It came out of nowhere. I could tell they weren’t in marital bliss, but I didn’t think they were THIS unhappy.
The way I see it is this: Did I ever think this would happen? No. Is there anything I can do to change it? No. So I am learning to accept it. My main goal right now is to make sure my little sis is ok, and keep all my sisters from picking sides and/or becoming bitter.
All this has made me wonder about my upcoming marriage. I know without a doubt that he is the One. I’ve been praying about how to make sure what happened to my parents doesn’t happen to me. Thank you so much for this article. I now know that the best way to keep that from happening is to never stop working on our relationship. I just hope my family comes out of this as unscathed as possible.
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Im so glad I have read all of your comments and even just writing down how I feel and my situation is slightly helping.
I am 29 yrs old i have a loving husband and 2 beautiful children and couldnt ask for anything else…..the only thing is i feel like my world has been blown apart and this is all because of my dad. My mum and dad have been married for nearly 30 years. My mum had 2 children from a previous marriage but these have always just been my brother and Sister and we have all lived together since I was born.
7 years ago my dad had an affair with a lady from work, I found out before my mum which was very hard to deal with. My dad has been abroad with this women, to dinner with this women, spent special times with this women…. Basically lived a 2nd life. She knows about all of us and my mum which makes me mad as I would never do that! For the 7 years my mum and dad have picked at each other about this as pictures / extra details keep cropping up. On the day before new year my dad called up and asked me to go and see mymum quickly; i instantly thought one of my relatives had died which was awful but when i got there ifound out my dad had left my mum while she was out and sent her a txt! It has shattered my mum. To be honest I dont even know if my dad is still seeing the lady, he said no but I can’t really believe anything he says anymore. The hardest bit is that only my mum and I know he has left and only my mum and I have ever known about the affair he had, I have since told my husband. None of my other family, brothers / sister know he’s gone they just think he’s working as this is what my mum wants to do hoping he’ll come back. I can’t cope anymore with everything secret, my head is going to exploed. I hate my dad? I love my dad? My dad is now ignoring me and that’s hard to. I’ve gone from what I thought was a loving family to a life that I feel is based on a lie. I am very down and stressed and am taking it out on the nearest (my husband) which isn’t fair and if I don’t stop he will go too. I think I just feel like whoever I care about is just leaving and I’m so scared he will do it to. I’m crying whilst writing this and I just don’t know how to stay strong. I’m worried about the aftermath but I also just want it all out between my family so I can lean on and talk to my brother and sister.
Sorry if I’m mumbling I’m just so mixed up.
X
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Lizzyx, stay strong darling. I’ve been through similar and although I can’t offer you the answers, I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. All that helped me in the end was to focus on only what I can control which is MY behaviour and MY decisions. I had to let my parents make their own. It really sucks but they’re human and far from perfect. This may not be the right way for you but all I wanted was to offer you support. It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your own plate and the added burden of your folks issues are weighing you down so just know there is someone out here cheering for you ok. I know you posted 3 weeks ago but I only get time to read MM occasionally so do a lot of catch up. Much love and go well x
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My parents split up when I was 11 & I find their seperation harder now that they are aging with ste-parents involved than I did at 11. I liked what you had to say since I’m going through a crappy time thanks to my step-father. Hearing someones kind words is comforting even though they weren’t written for me.
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I am so glad I found this article. For the past 6 months or so my mother’s mood swings have been an absolute nightmare. Although I no longer live at home but instead very close by, I just get told the ins and outs of every argument or screaming match by my younger brother or father. I am very close to both my mother and my father but recenty they have both started to give me in depth details of how in my mothers case she hates my father and can not wait to leave him or in my fathers case how horrible she is being to him without him understanding why.
I am 100% certain that there is no cheating involved and in my mother’s case she has told me she is very lonely and wants to go on her own path. This worries me a lot as I can not imagine her being in a house on her own every day. She is very independant but I fear that she would get very depressed being alone.
I have tried not to get to involved and have not given any answers when either parent is ‘letting go’ in a conversation with me. In fact in most insidences with my mother if I try and make a joke out of it (this seems to stop a major argument between her and I), she just tells me then to stay out of it and that it is nothing to do with me. Yet when I ask her to sit and have a convosation with my father instead of a shouting match she refuses!.
I am 20 and have been though a fair amount myself (ex boyfriend in jail, step-child, and a horrible break up which I am still trying to cope with quitely), I can not help feeling very upset by this situation. I think most of it is because my mother is so unwilling to have a convosation with my father about the situation and instead is just trying to hide from it.
I have told her if she wants them to split up then to do it but to start acting adult about it.
I know that this would absolutely destroy my father and I don’t think he could cope living on his own either.
Sorry this is such a very long post but I had to get this across to anyone that may possibly read as I don’t think friends would be able to understand my perspective.
Thank you. x
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I was 12 years old and the eldest of five children when my mother decided she wanted a divorce. My father fell into a spiral of depression and alcoholism after having his young family ripped out from under him. Being the eldest, I worked to look after his wellbeing and that of my four younger siblings. We learnt to adjust to having two houses, two sets of pyjamas and having week days at Mum’s and weekends at Dad’s. My parents wouldn’t put up with each other’s company for a few hours to give us both parents at our birthday parties, so as young children we were forced to choose between our parents – an excruciating decision that no child should have to make.
I’m now 25. My father died this year due to complications caused by the alcoholism. Dealing with that is a mine field in comparison to the divorce. My youngest brother is 16 and won’t have his father to guide him in his decision as he develops into a man. When I walk down the aisle one day, it’ll be alone. The grief over losing my father is intense. I’d much rather be helping him move house and mend his broken heart than scattering his ashes and somehow accepting that I’ll never be able to go out for a milkshake with him again.
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This story is exactly what I’m going through right now, I’m also 27. Finding it incredibly hard and now feel like I don’t want to get married. I’m devastated…. I feel I need to get professional help.
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My folks are not divorced. They have been very happily married for more than 30 years, and while one should never say never, it seems very unlikely they would divorce in time to come.
That said, having been through my own divorce, together with the breakdowns of several other significant relationships in my life, I would completely understand and find it difficult to hold anything against either of my parents if they did decide they’d be happier without each other.
I wonder if people went through their own divorces or other significant heartaches as adults, would they be a bit more understanding and a bit less selfish when it came to understanding their parents’ decision to end a marriage they were unhappy in?
Once I was brought down from my high horse and realised my ‘perfect’ marriage had lots of flaws – too many to bounce back from – it became much more difficult to judge the actions of others.
My parents have certainly had plenty of terrible times, including times where I’ve played counsellor, judge, friend and neutral yet understanding support person for each of them. It’s difficult, but part of life.
I am just not sure that at the age of 31, I’d be able to make my parents’ choice to split up become all about me (though perhaps at 27 I would have reacted differently… lots can happen in a short space of time).
Good luck getting through this difficult time, author, and best of luck to each of your parents in finding happiness.
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This article resonates, and so do all the other stories in the comments.
Obviously t’s extremely difficult being a young child of divorced parents, and it’s just as bad in different ways being an adult when they divorce. The worst for me was being expected to be adult about it, and not to have any feelings of my own about it; as a consequence, I minimised the whole thing for around 13 years, pretended it didn’t affect me – then very quickly fell apart when i became a mother at 33. 8 years of psychotherapy followed.
If I could talk to my 20 year old self, I would tell myself to get therapy, in the absence of any help from my parents, and work it out. Still, better late than never. I wish you all well and want to say that what you have gone through with your own parents’ breakups makes you better spouses and parents in the long run!
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My mother left my father when I was 27 and in the middle of a divorce myself after find out my husband had had an affair. My mother was having an affair with my father’s best friend. They had been married 35 years and no one else had a clue. To say my sister and I were devastated is an understatement. Two years later my father married the wife of the man my mother left with, because he felt sorry for her. What has resulted is an absolute nightmare. They do not speak, communicate or have anything to do with each other. I have had to endure birthdays, xmas and anything to do with my now children (I remarried) by walking on eggshells and deciding who can come and who can’t because if one comes the other won’t. My stepmother hates me because I look like my mother, she actually told me this. My mother caused all this because she was bored at the time and I believe has lived to regret it. I love her but have no respect for her. My stepfather died after 7 years and she has had a constant stream of “friends”, who the family is expected to accept. I’m over it.
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I can completely relate to this article. I was 24 when my parents divorced and 6 years later it still occupies my thoughts every day. I think one of the hardest things was the immediate shift from them being the ‘adults’ in our relationship, to me being the one who had to look after and guide them.
Sometimes I think it would have been easier when I was younger and didn’t understand so much! Although I know that would have been very tough as well. The division of families is awful at any stage of life…
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My parents separated 7 months ago after 25 years and I’m 22 years old still living at home. It was a long time coming and they are better off apart but there is still the sadness that comes along when finishing any relationship. Its so true friends to say oh it is not as bad now that you are an adult, but really it can be pretty hard to deal with whatever age you are. Thanks for the articile not one you see or hear people talk about often!
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Can I just say this is one of my favourite posts EVER in Mamamia….. and all this time I thought it was just me and my sister who went through these emotions.
Thanks for giving us all a little support group.
Author – check in and let us know how it all goes.
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My dad left my mum just before I got married. I always say I wish I was a child because they would try and shield me from what is going on. I agree with one of the other commentators, you have to play judge, counsellor and many other roles when you’re an adult child of divorce. Sometimes they can’t see through their own hurt to acknowledge yours.
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My parents separated when I was 19 and it was the best thing that could have ever happened. It was my mother who decided to leave after years of being unhappy and instead of choosing to pack her bags and leave, she had an affair and left my family heart broken, it took years for my father to recovery from this, but now you just have to see the change in both of them and see how much happier my father is to realize that this divorce was the best thing that could have happened.
I am now 29 and the more I speak to my family and others around me, the more you realize that everyone is simply human. We all have the same feelings and desires and no one is perfect. But we all deserve happiness
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I’m so glad so many of you have been able to relate to this article. I wrote it mainly as a therapeutic exercise for myself, and was hoping that it would do the same for the mamamia community. There’s so much grey advice in these comments! It’s like free therapy! It really helps knowing so many people are struggling with the same thing. For those of you who don’t get it, that’s kind of the point of the article. Of course a parent dying would be far worse, but your parents divorcing is a part of your life that’s died and there’s some great comments here that, in a way, you do need to grieve for that.
Thanks all for the great (online) chat!
The Author
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My husband’s parents chose to divorce just after we’d got engaged. Theirs was a not so amicable separation and made for a very tense wedding. My husband opinion was that it was about time, they ‘d never seemed truely happy. The person I felt sorry for was his 18yr old sister who was just starting uni, still at home and stuck in the middle of it all. It seemed like his mother just waited till all the kids were grown and walked out.
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Thank you so much for publishing this article Mamamia. I could have written many of the sentences myself word for word.
The adult children of divorced parents often have to deal with the guilt that their parents may have stayed together for the sake of them. I found it really interesting that there were many of the commenters below had just announced their engagement or married when their parents officially split up. There definitely seems to be a pattern of parents waiting until their children have supposably grown up and reached a particular milestone before announcing divorce. It is an awful to think that your parents may have been living in misery for your sake.
You feel that you suddenly need to re-write your own history. You question your own happy and idylic childhood. Were the smiles in those photos that hang on the walls for real or was everyone just pretending to play happy families? This is very unsettling.
I was 23 when my parents divorced. One of the hardest things for me was the isolation of the grief. None of my friends had divorced parents. Divorce just didn’t happen in our family. The overwhelming reaction from everyone around my brothers and I was that we should just “suck it up”. Comments below along these lines are hurtful but unfortunately not suprising. Of course a parent dying is an awful thing to go through and no one would question the hurt that a child can go through if their parents divorce however this does make our grief any less valid.
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Gosh – you have written MY lines.
x
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I am a long long time reader of mamamia but this is my first time commenting. I just wanted to say thank you. Reading everyone’s stories has brought me so much comfort and dare i say it, hope.
My parents have recently separated and i feel like i’ve been free falling ever since. Each time i think we’ve hit rock bottom the ground beneath us gives way again. What makes it even harder is that they still love each other but my father’s depression and mother’s residing issues from her own childhood have created what i now feel is a tsunami of destruction that’s been gaining momentum for years. At 20 i didn’t realise how much of my world was built on their relationship. Now that the foundation is gone, my life seems to be wobbling over my head as i question everything i once believed in. It’s made me fear marriage and motherhood, dreams i once held above all else.
Most of all i feel anger at the way they’ve dealt with it and continue to deal with it. I’ve wanted to scream and shout in their faces that i don’t WANT to be their counsellor and judge and lawyer and messenger and friend. I am so incredibly angry at them for forcing my sister and me into those positions. And the guilt about what will happen if we refuse those roles! Depression is an ugly beast.
Independently they have both made comments that i’m the cause behind it all. I know it was in only said in moments of vulnerability, when they could not shoulder the responsibility themselves, yet it still cuts me to the core.
So thankyou! For providing a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. For showing it IS possible for them to grow and become happy, healthy and functional human beings. And hopefully my siblings and i will learn to let go of the baggage we’ve been collecting too so that we might not make the same mistakes. Thank you for your stories
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Ohhh…. what you say about the ground beneath you is so so true. I remember lying in bed at night feeling like my secuity had been ripped out from under me. And I was 22 and about to go overseas…. surely I *should* cope. I remember thinking that I’d now NEVER marry and NEVER have children as I’d always imagined those events happening with Mum and Dad together side by side. Please know you’ll all come though this. It sucks right now though.
xxxx
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God, I WISH my parents would divorce. It might mean the end of 20-odd years of them bitching to each other about me, treating me like their free marriage councellor (3am, in my bedroom, when I’m 12), domestic violence, using each other as their emotional punching bags etc.
Be glad, anon and all the commentators out there, that you’ve been able to learn positives from your parents marriages, because for me they are simply a “how to successfully have a really miserable life” manual (which my therapist says IS the positive, in that I can do the exact opposite).
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A moving story for me, as I am in a similar position.
My father and step-mother divorced last year, after 22 years of marriage(for both of them it was their second marriage), and I am still struggeling with this. I just don’t understand it.
Like you said, I saw it coming and my step-mother made hints for some time before filing for divorce, but we all still hoped she would change her mind.
The thing is, that with them it’s all a bit more complicated. They did fight, they had very different characters in some ways, their beginnings were not quite love-at-first-sight, but still we were a family.
However once she filed for divorce everything got a bit nasty between them. Initially my step mother said, they don’t get along anymore and the only solution is to go separate ways, but then when they had to divide the assest and stuff, she was very very focused on the money and house. And ever since she moved out, she did not speak a word with my dad. How awful is that.
As for me, I know I am an adult, I should be able to handle this. Well I can’t. I know we weren’t the perfect family, but what am I supposed to do with the memories!
The most heartbreaking though is seeing my dad going through this, trying to keep some sort of family together for us kids(we are 4 kids).
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these stories make me lose my faith in marriage.
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All I’m going to say is I completely understand. I’m 37 and my parents after 40 years together also split this year. I did see it coming but it still hurts, everything has been turned upside down and its very difficult to remain neutral and try not to take sides. Certainly each of my parents have their faults and hopefully this will be a better situation than the arguments. I think that I have learnt that you can’t take your relationship for granted and you must continue to nuture it throughout life otherwise I’ve felt the result of a neglected relationship. It is hard and I think that as an adult you aren’t as protected from a split as if you were a child.
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To all of the commenters stating that adult children of parents who decide to separate should just ‘get over it’ are forgetting that it is likely that these adults have moulded their identities and the goals of their future based on the model relationship in their lives – their parent’s seemingly successful relationship. And when you observe this fail it is often devastating because you realise the relationship you aspired to was not what it seemed, leading you to question any future relationships of your own. This is my experience anyway……
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After years of fighting, alcoholism and putting up with crap, my mum left my dad when I was 18. I was in my last year of school and it was the happiest time of mine and my younger brothers’s lives. We got to see how a normal family functioned without someone abusive bringing everyone down. Then, six months later, mum moved back in with him with the flimsy excuse of wanting the financial support. It was devastating for my brother and I. He still makes her unhappy, more than ten years later, and she still insists she’d rather put up with him than live on less money. If they got divorced, I’d throw a party. Their relationship is so toxic it makes everyone around them uncomfortable. In fact, I’ll probably get to see the old man get so drunk he falls over at a family wedding this weekend. Hurrah.
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thanks for writing that. I sometimes struggle with ending my marriage to an abusive, drinking, drugging man, because it broke the “happy family” dream I had for my kids. But they are like you- couldnt wait to see the back of him. He came back once, in the early days and the first thing my daughter ( aged15) asked- ” so, when is he leaving? Tell me this isnt permanent.” ….and it wasnt….
And since then, they tell me they have never been happier and we now are the happy family I always wanted for them.
Its just other peoples fairytales of “working it out” that sometimes trips me up.
Sometimes you cant work it out with someone who isnt trying.
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My parents divorced when I was 11 and it shattered my world. I too was totally blindsided. Fast forward to the last couple of years and both of my parents long term 20+ years second marriages have also ended and I am just as devastated. Having been through it as an adult and as a child I think it is equally as bad. It is rare that a child is shielded from all the turmoil, kids are very intuitive and it is very hard for adults to hide their hurt and anger. I now have to deal with my parents crap from all of their marriage break ups, first and second and it SUCKS! At nearly forty I have been dealing with this stuff for close to thirty years, Gah!
I am sorry that you are going through this, it is awful. I work bloody hard at my marriage and hope my husband and I can make it til death do us part!
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Thank you for sharing that. I’m very sorry to hear about your experiences. I think it is really significant that you can point out to people just how awful it has been both times around for you. I hope that you can explain it like that to people close to you and so receive the support you need
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I’m 36 and my parents divorced when I was about 28. Three months after my dad left he moved in with another woman he knew for years. I am extremely close with my mother but due to the pragmatic and honest way my mum dealt with the split, these days we are all civil and quite happily do birthdays etc together. I simply took the view that if my mum was being cool and ok about it all then I should pull my grown up pants on and do the same.
Yes, it is VERY likely my dad was in a relationship with this woman when with my mum. But it is in the past. My dad and this lady married about 4 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child. My kids adore all their grandparents-including my dads wife. Ok, so my dad could’ve dealt with it all a little better, but it’s done so I’m happy to move forward.
Though my mum and I do laugh that my dad married a SMOKER and he has pets in his house. Two things that would’ve had my ass whipped if I did either of these things in my house as a kid
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My father committed suicide when I was eight, so… an adult parental divorce sounds like a blissful alternative!
That said, I am sure it was difficult.
There comes a time in life though when you realise you have to stop relying on the family that was created for you and create your own. Through your own marriage and kids, or friends, or however. That’s the hard but ultimately wonderful part.
Taking what you’ve learned and turning it into something new.
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Thank you for shining light on the grown up kids of divorcing parents. I was 21 when my parents split. 21 might sound young, but my own husband left at the exact same time. Any divorce can feel shockingly unfamiliar and sometimes terrifying. I am now steadily dating a loving partner. But I can only hope that one day I will stop fearing divorce and abandonment.
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Im sorry, but that was painful to read. I know it must be upsetting that this fantasy world has come crashing down, but it is probably a good thing for your own marriage. To realise that after 30 years it is still something you have to work on, and just because you kiss and hold hands does not make a happy life or marriage. I am also going to make and assumption that this is probably the hardest thing you have had to deal with (and my deepest apologies if Im wrong) and if it is, you are a very lucky 27 year old woman, and I wish you all the happiness and hope you get to only have this as your heartache for a long time to come x
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I think it is a little unfair to say that assuming one’s parents have a happy marriage is a ‘fantasy world’. Everyone has their own journey and struggles. Emotional hardship it isn’t a competition!
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Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your experience. I’m 26, an only child, studying and still living at home and my parents’s very unusual separation has been going on since I was about 22. Dad “had to get out” – an explanation he still uses to this day – of our 2 bedroom plus study house, because it was “too small”, he felt he was suffocating. An explanation which to this day still means to me, “I had to get away from both of you”.
Isn’t it strange how even some things we experience as adults, we interpret as a child would. This is the toughest part for me. I have a child’s anxiety and sadness and an adult’s knowledge of what is going on. I am neither protected from knowing too much, nor comforted by understanding the situation. And to add to that, there is little true sympathy from others because as you so aptly put it, we’re seen as being fortunate for not experiencing this when we were younger. We are meant to be grateful that this happens later in life, not resentful that we are expected just to “deal” with it and support each parent unconditionally. Not sad that talking about any problems to do with my partner invariably brings fourth a torrent of complaints from my mother about my father. I know 26 is not a child, but I still want to be my parents’ child and much of that has been lost because I’ve felt so desperately that I’ve had to make everyone okay. And really, I can’t make everyone okay… it’s not up to me and it never was. But that doesn’t stop me from trying.
I can remember vividely when I was quite small, after my parents had had an argument while we were all out for a walk, walking in between them and trying to force their hands together “to make it all better”. I think I’ve been trying to do this ever since and it’s really time for me to stop. It’s hard to stop something you’ve been doing your whole life, though.
Thank you for sharing. Best wishes to you
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My parents are still together, but my dad divorced his young wife and left her with a 2- and 6-year-old girl before getting together (the details are a bit unclear) with my mum.
My oldest sister (who was the two year old) has now just announced that her husband is leaving her. They’re both in their late 40′s, and his parents are also divorced… While I’ve seen it coming for about a year, it was still a chock. They seemed to be the last couple remaining out of all their friends, and my sister had made it clear that she was going to fight for her relationship. And I really think she has… Unfortunately her husband hasn’t felt the same need.
I hope I won’t have to experience any more divorces in the family. We’re just not that sort of family, if that makes sense. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh to people experiencing divorce, and I do believe that divorces is the best solution for some couples, as long as I don’t have to go through it
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I have never met my bio father, my brother doesn’t even have a name for his bio father. Our first experience with a ‘father’, was our first stepfather. My mum had left him and my 2nd half sister, because he was a violent alcoholic. She wasn’t allowed to take his princess, as he put it, but mum had to leave to save her own life . When he had convinced her to go back, she returned with my brother and I. We went through 5 years of a living hell, before we could escape again, in the middle of the night with nothing. my brother and I were broken. My mother remarried a man I had never met. My 2nd stepfather . She had met him at her work, he helped with the escape.
I withdrew into a shell, my brother rebelled. He was nice to me, which I couldn’t help but like, but he couldn’t stand my brother, and kicked him out at 13. My brother just finished a 22 year stint in prison. I left at home at 16, became a drug addict like my brother, attempted suicide , like my brother.
My 2nd step father died suddenly on Christmas Eve a while back.
Mum remarried within 4 months, I didn’t even get an invite.
I feel for you though as it can’t be easy. but you will get through this. Just be there for both parents. best wishes for the future.
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Thanks for this article. My parents split up when I was in my early twenties and i was absolutely devastated. The fact that it coincided with my Grandmother dying (who I was very close to) was even worse. I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down and that I had lost a sense of stability. I was still living at home and my parents were living under the same roof for quite a while after they decided to seperate which was very awkward and uncomfortable. I moved out not long after to escape the whole situation despite still being a student with not much money.
Like others have mentioned one of the problems with me was that being an adult my parents used me as an emotional release, especially my Dad. My Mum had inititiated the divorce and my Dad was devastated and I used to often see him crying and telling me how he didn’t know how he was going to cope. I felt like I was carrying this burden on my shoulders and that I had to look after him somehow.
The whole situation was so stressful that I ended up with some quite bad anxiety problems and went to see a shrink. The counseling REALLY helped as it was not only someone objective to talk to but he gave me some good tips for handling the situation. I would definitely recommend seeing a good counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist. I know this method is not for everyone but it really helped me work through some of my issues.
Things have turned out well for me. Part of this is due to time healing wounds. Both my parents are much happier apart now and have found other people that make them happy. I no longer have to worry about either of them which is great. I guess the other advantage is that I went to get counselling as soon as I noticed I wasn’t coping and in those sessions I dealt with A LOT so thus am no longer holding onto too much stuff from the past.
For those who say ‘just get over it’, remember that divorce is a form of grief, even if it’s your parents divorce. I went through all the stages of grief from denial to anger to sadness through to my current stage of acceptance. For those who are struggling all I can say is that it is SO much better for me. I rarely think about my parents divorce and definitely accept the fact that they are not together.
At the time I coudln’t see any positives or ‘look on the bright side’. But these days I consider myself very lucky to have two parents who are happy and healthy.
I send all my love to those that are struggling through this period and hope that soon you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel xxx
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Beautiful words. I really relate to acting as an emotional release for your parents, it can be so draining. Really pleased you have come to a positive place after all you experienced
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My parents recently divorced and I am nearing 30. It happened only several weeks after announcing my own engagement which saddens me. I am very lucky to have a beautiful, loving husband and we are now starting a family of our own.
The saddest part about all of this is that our child will grow up with separate grandparents and will never know how fantastic they were together many moons ago.
Unfortunately this is a part of life and sometimes, as much as we long for things to change or go back to what we know, too many obstacles stand in the way and the souls involved are better off apart.
My heart goes out to all of you xx
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I feel your pain, anonymous. My parents separated abruptly after 40 years of marriage, and it was devastating. Like you, I was engaged and life was good… then I got the phone-call from my older sister saying our dad had walked out of the house, withdrawn half his & my mum’s life savings, and was starting anew. It was three months before my fiance and I were meant to be flying back to my (American) home-town to get married. And we did, but God do I regret flying back into the thick of that disaster and trying to get married in the midst of it.
My dad seemed in this altered state, borderline psychotic and all he could talk about was his new girlfriend. My mom… my brother… my sisters… were all zombies. I lost so much weight I had to have my dress taken in again the day before the ceremony. When I look at our wedding photos I look skeletal and shell-shocked… all I see is pain. How I wish I had waited.
My mom re-married (her high-school sweetheart) a year later. Can you say surreal?
It’s taken seven years to reach a state of some kind of acceptance about the whole thing. People who think it’s “easier” to deal with your parents’ divorce when you’re an adult have no idea. Having to navigate all these new (and often weird) adult relationships is hard. You feel like you’re supposed to be mature about it but inside you’re a crying child, and all you wish, especially in the beginning is for things to go back to how they were.
I see now all the cracks that existed before my Dad left… all the signs of discord that I chose not to see. My mom wouldn’t give my dad the freedom to grow, to enjoy some freedom after 40 (you read that right) years of raising children. My dad was cruel to my mom as a result, smoked way too much pot to escape, etc etc. He tried to tell her things needed to change but she couldn’t handle it– it scared her and I understand that too. She’s happier with her new husband; he’s reliable and predictable, he fits the person she is at this stage in her life. My dad has travelled the world, lost weight, lived in an ashram… he’s doing what feels right for who he is now. Is it realistic to think most people can adjust and change in harmony, over so many decades? I’m not sure. The fact that I have married myself, in spite of what I saw, perhaps answers that question…
Honestly, I still grieve for the close-knit family unit we once were. My mother will never forgive my Dad, and that keeps our family fractured, as much as we have mended bridges among ourselves. Now that I have my own children I still have moments of feeling so sad that my parents cannot be grandparents _together_… the way they must have always envisioned. The way I envisioned.
With time, (much) forgiveness, and getting older, you gain perspective and you find a new normal, but I won’t lie… it’s hard.
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I can tell that the grief of everything is pretty raw for the author, however as a child of divorced parents, I think this person would have a lot in common with almost every other child of divorce. No matter what anyone says, it’s very very rare to have an unmessy divorce, especially with kids involved.
My parents split when I was 9 so I did have a different point of view at the time. But even now, all these years later (I’m 31) you still look at them differently as you learn more about them as you get older, and more about yourself.
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Hey mamamia team. I just posted (admittedly a very lengthy) comment and I can’t see it. Is this part of the way the comments will be moderated under the new policy or does my computer have Friday-afternoon-itis?
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Hey,
We are trying out pre moderation and so comments take a few minutes to clear! X
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My parents split a couple of years ago when I was 22ish. They’d had a strained relationship since I was in mid-high school, and I suspect my father had been having affairs for a while, but my mother was still blindsided when he announced he was moving out.
There were 2 components that were hardest for me (I’m still living at home). The first was that my father announced that he would move out… in 8 months time, when the tenants moved out of one of his investment properties. It meant 8 months of shouting matches. And then after he had moved out for a few months (with most of his stuff still at my mother’s house) my mother let him move back in again (there was an opportunity to put some tenants in the place again), probably hoping he would stay. He never intended to, as he made very clear. They continued to fight often and then after one almighty brawl (which I was luckily at uni for), my father moved out again. He didn’t tell me this, I came home and found him gone and my mother absolutely steaming, and then he didn’t contact me for almost 2 months.
The second thing, which kind of ties into the first, is that I had announced that I would not be taking sides and I did not care about what they did, as long as they kept me out of it (obviously I did care- see above- but I didn’t want to be involved in who-should-do-what, who did what to who etc). If they wanted to fight, fine, but wait until I was out of the house. But while they were both at my mother’s place, the yelling and the continual snarking was always happening. I stopped inviting people over because I never knew when they would explode. Plus both of my parents continually asked for my opinion and tried to use me as a counselling service, and legal advisor despite me constantly saying “I don’t want to know” and actually getting up and walking out of the room when they tried. It got particularly bad when they started court proceedings over settlement etc. In the middle of my final, very important years of uni.
That hard period is over, and I think one of the big problems was that my parents didn’t put much effort into keeping their separate friends while they were together. They pretty much didn’t have many close people other than each other and me (only child). So when they split up… they both saw me as an outlet.
The outcome of all this, unfortunately, was that I see them both very differently now. Obviously as you get older you realise your parents are flawed, just like everyone else, but I have lost a certain amount of respect for both of them. I now see my father as much less sensitive and more callous , and my mother as much more naive and more of a doormat. While my relationship with both of them is still good, the fact that they refused to accept my decision as an adult not to be involved, and continually bombarded me with their tantrums, bitching about the other etc has really put distance between us. I have, however, learnt some lessons about my priorities in life and relationships.
Lordy, sorry about the essay! It’s nice to have a chance to get this off my chest.
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Slightly off topic, but my hubbys parents split when he was a teenager (he is now 34). His mother STILL refuses to talk to her ex and refers to him as ‘your father’ or ‘his father’.
The impact this has had (and still does have) on my husband is massive, and he is organising counseling to deal with it.
Do not ever belittle the grief a child feels when their parents split regardless of if they are 12 or 32.
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My parents have been separated/divorced now for 4 years (split when I was 25) and my mum always refers to him as “your father”… or when I piss her off she uses it as an insult, like “You are ovbiously your father’s daughter…”
These days I cop it on the chin and try not to argue back!
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Same, to which I reply, ‘thank fuck for that, lady!’ XD
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I lost my father when I was 13. That was devastating and certainly had a immeasurable impact on how I develop and view relationships now as a 29 year old woman. From my perspective, I’d love simply for both my parents to still be a part of my life, my children’s life, no matter what their relationship, but sadly that will never happen.
Be thankful you still have two healthy parents who will make you a stronger person in the future.
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In my experience saying “be thankful…” to someone who is in the midst of coming to terms with something (new) and painful in their life, is not helpful.
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Yes, that is true, but is also puts perspective on the situation.
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Perspective often comes with time, on its own, as part of the healing process. I don’t think “putting it” on anyone is helpful. Not unless years have passed and they’ve made no progress on how they look at the situation.
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You are a wise woman Dierdre,
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I think a bit of perspective is completely valid. It might not be helpful or healthy to all self-flagellate because two people in our lives are divorcing.
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Celeste, I can’t imagine the pain of losing a parent. I am so sorry for your loss. But I agree with Deirdre, divorce is a type of loss and children of divorce (no matter the age) go through a grieving process.
And thanks MM for giving us “adults” of divorce a forum to grieve(and rant) together!
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Celeste, I think if something is upsetting to someone we should treat them with compassion. The divorce of your parents at any age is like a death.
You mourn what you believed was and what could be when you have your own family. Everyone has their own story sadly. There is no competition.
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My parents divorced when I was a child, my husband’s parents divorced after 47 years!!! It is not only the divorce that hurts, it is finding out that one’s parents are capable of wide ranging deceit and of behaving like naughty four year olds. I think we would both wish to have gone through divorces where awkwardness was the only difficulty. My parents are both dead now, but they could not be in the same room together even after both married again (and again). One of my husband’s parents grandchildren died and they could not be in the same room together either, you have no idea how hard that makes a funeral! Indeed, every family event becomes about the divorced couple who hate each other so much. Please be grateful if your parents try to be civil, even if it is a bit awkward. Please, also remember, (and say to yourself once in a while) that you are not your parents!
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Oh my God I was just thinking to myself I hope MM does a piece on adult kids of divorce because there is so very little out there. My folks split last year a week after my 26th birthday, while I was 17 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Nothing can prepare you for that moment. I feel so much for the author as I too didn’t see it coming. My parents held hands expressed their love to each other openly and generally had a ball. I guess this has taught me that you have no idea what goes on in other people’s relationships. I think there needs to be more support made available for adult kids of divorced parents because it really is a hard time, despite the fact that we are now ‘adults’
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My parents divorced when I was 1.5, and in many ways that has made me lucky! I don’t know anything else.
My dad left with no further contact, and that would have been tremendously difficult to deal with as an older child or as an adult.
I wish you all the best in what will likely be a difficult adjustment. Hopefully sooner rather than later you’ll come out the other end and realise your family is now just living a new normal.
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After 41 years or marriage I tried to get my mom to leave my dad. Well, not exactly. Their marriage was never happy, always tense between them and others, and with my mother complaining about his behaviour constantly and just “wanting peace” I told her it will never change so if she wants peace she needs to leave. I realized he had a mental health issue (Narcissitic Personality Disorder) and no amount of talking, fighting, direction, etc. was ever going to make him behave appropriately.
She was close. We looked at flats, checked the finances, saw a lawyer, but then she chickened out. My sister refused to support my mother because it would be “inconvenient” for her to have our parents split. Now, I live far away from them, limit my contact as much as possible, and my mother has figured out to never complain about my father again.
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Wow, this is a sad story. I’m really sorry my2cents.
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My parents split when I was 20 after many years of unhappiness. I, like many commenters below, wished they’d done it sooner.
I still lived at home with my parents (they were in separate bedrooms) but what I found hard was that my sister (my only sibling) wasn’t experiencing the same thing I was – she had moved out just before I turned 13 (she is 5 years older) so wasn’t there for the hard times. My parents put on the ‘happy face’ when she visited or we visited her (as they did with everyone else) but I wasn’t privy to this treatment so I guess I kind of resented her for that.
My parents only officially divorced this year (5 years on) and I still miss the way they used to dance in the kitchen
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Wasn’t aware that premoderation was happening now and have reposted the same things a couple of times because I thought it wasn’t working, sorry everyone! Please delete any duplicates MM moderators (won’t let me edit)
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My parents spilt when I was 25, and it does have a real impact on the adult children. I think this is mostly (in my case anyway) because your parents don’t keep things from you the way they would if you were younger. My mum sometimes acts as if I’m a girlfriend instead of her daughter and says horrible things about her marriage and my dad (and his new wife…) as if she’s forgotten most of the time that he is still my dad.
On the other side, my dad and my stepmum always passive-aggressively ask how mum is, does she has a partner, poor x all alone… (which infuriates me!) Christmas, birthdays and family events are an awkward mess as you try to manage their expectations and feelings. And no one cuts you any emotional slack like they would if you were a kid. You’re an adult so they expect you to be able to just deal with it.
And it continues to this day, only last week my mum casually mentioned the prospect of me having two 30th birthday parties next year because she can’t stand to be in the same room as her ex and “that” woman, as she refers to her. I thought bollocks to you all – i’m going to go to Byron with some friends instead. To hell with family!
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Love it! I turn 30 next year too and your approach sounds ideal to me.
The idea of having my (amicably divorced) parents plus my Dad’s new girlfriend (who I do like) and perhaps her kids (who are also decent) plus my partner and his family (who like me cos they hated his ex wife but still worry that my presence will mean they see less of thir grandkids) all in the same room is just wayyyyyyy to stressful. Funny really, since they’re all decent people on their own but collectively the politics is just too much.
Interest that your stepmum asks about your mum. A few weeks ago something happened in my partner’s ex-wifes family. A friend of mine asked me how it was going and I said I dont know, I dont ask because I view it as a private matter and none of my business. If I asked the kids about it, I’d only be asking for my own curiousity and not for any more worthy purpose. My friend accused me of being cold and uncaring.
Damned if you do, damned if you dont, sometimes.
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My parents split when I was 20 after many years of unhappiness. I, like many commenters below, wished they’d done it sooner.
I still lived at home with my parents (they were in separate bedrooms) but what I found hard was that my sister (my only sibling) wasn’t experiencing the same thing I was – she had moved out just before I turned 13 (she is 5 years older) so wasn’t there for the hard times. My parents put on the ‘happy face’ when she visited or we visited her (as they did with everyone else) but I wasn’t privy to this treatment so I guess I kind of resented her for that.
My parents only officially divorced this year (5 years on) and I still miss the way they used to dance in the kitchen
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