Last year I watched my mum (and her marriage) fall apart. I watched her cry hysterically, I watched her have panic attacks about the future, I watched her throw things in anger and frustration and I watched her self-confidence plummet. I tried as best I could to help her keep herself afloat in this horrible sea of sadness she was feeling, but some days I was sure there were holes in our life raft. And why did I have to watch her go through this? Because my step-father (repeatedly) cheated on her.
When I was 5 years old, my mum introduced me to the new man in her life. I wasn’t pleased. He led a complicated life that came with children and an angry ex-wife. My mum seemed to push her way through these relationship obstacles with such finesse. She wanted this relationship to work, and so she worked hard for it. And she achieved success: my mum married my step-father and actually got his children to warm to her. She helped me feel better about the situation too. They even had kids together. We were a modern family that worked. That fairy tale was short-lived.
By the time I reached my mid-teens I started noticing that my mum’s entire personality was changing. She had always been a strong, successful and independent woman but those qualities were fading. She no longer took things head-on and with a smile. Instead she was timid, unsure of herself, and guarded. Her relationship with my step-father had changed. They were no longer equals. He was dominating her, controlling her, attacking her.
At that time, my step-father had started taking a keen interest in another culture (though I won’t mention which). He started language classes once a week. No big deal; just a hobby. But then the language classes turned into “intensive weekend workshops”. Next he announced a solo overseas trip to said country. He said he needed the trip because he was stressed and made an excuse that he wanted to backpack but knew my mum was a hotel kind of traveller. I could see the desperation in my mum’s eyes; I could hear it in her voice during the midnight fights with my step-father about his trip. She was fighting for their marriage. He was cold and manipulative.
I asked my mum several times about my step-father cheating on her. Though she denied it, her face told me my suspicions were right. I said I heard her crying at night. I said she had changed, but not for the better. I said she should leave him if he was hurting her so much. She hugged me tightly and I felt her shaking with sobs. She didn’t mention it again and she didn’t leave him. But she continued to silently break down.
I couldn’t understand why she stayed. He came home and gloated about his trip – parading photos of him with various random women. Then he went on more trips and came back to gloat more. I watched my mum walk away without saying a thing. I wanted to scream at her (and more so him) but I was just a teenager. I couldn’t make my mum leave him. It was her choice to make. But she didn’t make the right choice. And she wouldn’t for another six years.
Last year, my mum hit an all-time low. My step-father’s infidelities (yes, plural), and his denial of them, had torn her apart. She was just a shell of the mum I used know. She couldn’t work (and she’d always loved work), she couldn’t sleep, she didn’t eat and she didn’t talk. I was terrified. I thought I’d lose her. I thought I’d wake up to find she’d killed herself. In fact, she nearly did. I think that’s what brought her back. Somewhere deep within her, she knew she was a fighter. And so she fought.
She fought until he admitted them all. He did. His advice: get over it. Her advice: GET OUT!
I got my mum back. She had pulled herself out of the grave he’d dug her. She’d realised she wasn’t crazy like he said she was. She realised she didn’t hallucinate the phone calls from his girlfriends telling her to leave the house, to leave her children because she was an unfit mother (she definitely wasn’t!). She realised she didn’t have to put up with his lies about not sleeping with the foreign exchange university student (who he met on a dating site) that he’d brought into our house. She realised she wouldn’t be herself again until he was out of her life.
This year was the first time I’ve seen my mum truly smile in a very long time. It wasn’t forced, and it wasn’t a mask for pain. It was real, it was beautiful and it was because my youngest sister said, “Mummy, I like that you don’t cry anymore”.
Cherie is a recent journalism graduate from Melbourne. She writes a blog called Label Me Happy which you can find here and you can find her on Twitter here.
Have you ever had to watch someone you love go through a hard time?
 fall apart on http://www.mamamia.com.au){kind=link}
Comments
59 Comments so far
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What a breath taking story….as I read this all I could think of was my situation. My husband has been cheating on me for the last year. We have a three year old son, and I have been through depression, anger, sadness alone. When I finally got on feet and accepted this cruelty he started begging for me back. He showed her off like a show case. HAd no shame and lead two lives. AFTER many threats and not spending time with us on weekends, not coming home he believes he deservers a second chance. DO I WALK away and live with the fact that I will never know if he change or stay with him and take the chance that I may live through this again.
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I have just spent the past 3 months living through this with one of my dearest friends. It was left to another friend and I to break the news to her just before Christmas that her husband had moved his girlfriend of two years in with him and their 19 year old daughter 8 hours after she had left the country they were both working in on a contract job. He had led a complete double life for two years, and had had several other affairs over the course of a twenty year marriage. She now has to sell their house after he ran them into considerable debt (of which she had no knowledge) while he was flying himself and his young girlfriend around the world. My friend was almost completely broken, but she has regained her strength through the support of her family, friends and her three amazing children. She contacted the girlfriend, who had also been told an extraordinary amount of lies, and they bonded (in a way) through their shared betrayal, which I think has helped their healing. Both she and her children will take a long time to recover, but they see a brighter future ahead.
So many of the stories, including yours, Cherie, have similar aspects to what my friend has endured. I have been there to help her when she literally couldn’t speak to people like doctors, lawyers, accountants, bank people, whilst she was in the midst of shock, and then a nervous breakdown. It is traumatic for everyone involved, including, I imagine, my former friend (the ex) who will now be suffering (finally) after destroying any hope of a relationship with his children – they have made it extremely clear they want nothing to do with him.
I hope from the bottom of my heart that my friend and her family, and all the other women who told their stories here, are able to move forward in their lives with grace and hope – they deserve every happiness possible. Thank you Cherie for your insight, all the best to you and your mum.
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Thank you for sharing this article. I wish you and your Mum all the happiness, smiles and laughter in the world xx
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Ah yes, this brought back memories of my Mum when Dad finally left her for one of his ‘fantasy’ ladies… for about two years I got calls at all times of the night from a hysterically crying Mum. And once a week I would take her shopping to the supermarket and she would cry all the way round the aisles, clutching onto the trolley as if her life depended on it. And to be honest, it probably did. She too was a confident, articulate woman but when he left, her whole world fell apart. it was heartbreaking to watch. These days she is back to what she was (almost!) – well it ahs been nearly 20 years so you would hope so. But at the time, it was hell on earth both for her and my brother and I. Nothing you can do but hope that she made it to the other side ok.
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Wow. So glad to hear things are going back to a positive nature for your lives. I remember your mum as a very strong, take charge & very busy woman. I wished I was more like her actually
Please pass on my regards & congratulations on her strength to move forward. Cheers, Rhiannon’s mum.
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Hey Robyn, it’s been a while. I will definitely let mum know you send your regards. Mum and I are recovering well. I hope you and Rhiannon are doing well! x
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wow, can’t tell you how much this article helped me understand my own now thankfully finished relationship with a similar controlling, manipulative partner. I doubt I would have had the courage to leave as I so desperately wanted it to work, simple fact was he didn’t and needed me to be all but destroyed so it was easier for him to walk away. nothing about it is easy, living with his abuse was terrifying and so destructive for all of us, my young children witnessing their mum just accept such rubbish like that was all I was worthy of.. .this he had me convinced of. The journey seemed so lonely, isolating and my family & friends grew fatigued of watching me hanging onto a self destructive relationship with all that I had. We are now rebuilding our lives, the bright shiny lives we are so deserving of. My 4 year old asked me the other day “mum how come you love so much”…. such an insightful question from a young soul, “I just do” I answered. I don’t want to love less, that wouldn’t be natural to me, I am growing in awareness now and stories such as this helps me feel less isolated, empowered and buoyed by the experiences of many who too have turned a corner.
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Sophie, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that my article helped you. You are definitely not alone. But everything you describe was exactly how my mum felt under my step-father’s control. He told her that if she were to tell people what he was doing to her, they wouldn’t believe her because she was delusional and making it up. When you’re being told these things every day you can’t help but find some bizarre sense of truth in it even though you know deep down it isn’t the truth.
Don’t ever let go of your ability to love, that’s what makes you such a beautiful person. I guess it’s just a matter of being my cautious with who you give your love to? (in my mum’s case, she’s focusing on herself and her family and friends).
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There is some amazing comments here, I am healing from this type of a relationship now. My husband cheated on me throughout our entire relationship, but was so manipulative that he made me think it was me that was just insecure and crazy. The worst thing was, he was the one who left me for one of my friends. I admire your mother for leaving, I don’t know if I ever would have left. My self esteem was so low, that I believed that I would never find anyone else or be able to cope on my own.
He now claims we”spent” or the marital assets, so I am now trying to work out how I am going to support our two children 6 and 3.
I know its for the best as do not want my son to turn out like him, nor do I want my daughter to make the same mistakes as me, but that doesn’t make it easier. No one can ever understand what its like until they have been in a relationship with a man like this. These men are very smooth and know exactly how to control even the most self confident people. However, It is comforting to hear other woman who have left these relationships and made a better life for themselves.
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Anonymous, your situation sounds exactly like my mum’s. And yes, you are right, these men are VERY smooth, VERY controlling and VERY manipulative. They know how to say the most little things that make you crumble.
Being away from your ex-husband is only going to make you stronger, and I think if you can show your daughter that now you are out of his grasp, you are happier than ever, she will take so many lessons from that. When she’s old enough to date, tell her that her partner should inspire her to be happy and be a better person every day If they doon’t do that, they’re not worth it.
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I got a tear in my eye when I read your response. Thank you for making me feel I am not alone. I feel stronger today than I have for a long time.
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So horrific and sad
I also witnessed my mother go through a divorce she really struggled with. Luckily my father is not anything like your step-father but he moved on quickly, getting a new girlfriend, while my mum always hoped they could work through things. As teenagers and struggling ourselves my sister and I weren’t as helpful as we could be. Mum leaned on me a lot which I found overwhelming, she was angry and took it out on me and my sister. Now she has a great new job, lives independently and is much stronger.
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I relate to this story but my husband never cheated. Didn’t stop him from being controlling and Making me doubt myself so much that when I left I didn’t even know what books I liked or what movies or tv shows I enjoyed watching.
The reason you never hear the perpetrator side of the story is that they really do believe that there is nothing wrong and they don’t think they are doing anything except giving someone what they deserve. These people are broken too, either by chemical makeup or their own childhood environments.
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Thank you for sharing your story, Cherie.
I was in a similar relationship once. The ironic part of my story was that infidelity didn’t start until I told him to go and seek counselling for some of his crazymaking behaviours – I didn’t actually tell him to have sex with the counsellor though!
To all those women out there who wonder if they can make it on their own … oh yes, you can and you will find your heart and soul again once you’re out of the mind-numbing orbit of men who say they love you but act like *unprintable !* I know you can because I have done it xo
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I’m sorry but i don’t understand women who are in this situation. I had a father who brought me up to value myself and be independent and proud.To me this ituation is incomprehensible and it is up to all parents to teach their children what they are worth. I understand that some parents are unable to do this and it saddens me greatly.
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I do try and understand women who are in this situation. For many reasons they stay. Many years ago it was because they genuinely had nowhere to go! There was no supporting parents pension or the support systems we have in place today and divorce or separated women were judged in the worst possible way. Today although we have support systems in place it is still very hard to leave with children if you are too afraid to go. Their confidence and self esteem has been slowly and systematically taken from them by evil manipulating men who are essentially bullies. Dominating and intimidating the very women who support them, why? Control. When the woman tries to be strong and leave, these men start all over again with the sweet talk and lies and these women believe it because they have lost the ability to value themselves and to be independent and proud. Walk a mile in their shoes. I don’t know whether it is just parenting that teaches children to be strong and independent, certainly seeing your parents in a loving marriage/partnership goes a long way. Like you I am saddened greatly by this story. For all the years lost. But I wish Cherie and her Mum a beautiful and safe future without this dreadful man.
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Thanks for your reply. I know you are right and I guess I do understand that, I think I just get frustrated because there are places to go these days. I am fully aware of the past and am no spring chicken myself!
Why do women accept these situations in the first place? It’s because they have issues of self worth in the first place. Too often I have seen women go from one dodgy relationship pretty much straight into another because they seem to fear being on their own and will often seem to accept the first bloke that comes along with open arms.
I understand that I may be coming across as intolerant, or having a simplistic view but it is actually fairly straightforward. I was lucky to have the father I had. He said things like “Act like a doormat and you will be treated like one” and “if a man ever hits you once, you leave and you don’t ever come back” and “never be financially dependent on a man.” This advice was given to me a lifetime ago when women didn’t have the options they have now and my father had seen these things himself.
I’m sorry, I can’t walk a mile in their shoes..I never could.
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Maybe one day Axe you will understand. For your sake, I hope that day never comes. I was brought up with similar beliefs and values and despite being confident and strong I found myself in a similar predicament. With children involved, the waters muddy as you struggle to put competing needs first.
Thanks for sharing your story from this perspective. Good on you for being there for your mum x
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Axe, I think you need to experience a situation like this to understand just how much a person can be broken by a master manipulator.
My mum was the most confident person I knew. She was extremely successful at her job, she look after herself well and most of all she always looked after me and gave me everything I needed (more than just the material things).
But he broke her down piece by piece. He would start with little nagging comments about how she wasn’t pretty, or thin or young anymore. Then he would convince my very little sisters of such things. Then he would parade his affairs in front of her but tell her she was crazy every time every time she asked him to leave.
He broke her confidence in her ability to support herself financially, and told her they would go under unless only he was controlling the money. hen he would throw around comments about how my mum spent so much money and wasted everything she earned. He convinced half his/my family of that, although it wasn’t true.
And he always built up on what he said and he said it frequently. That was how he started convincing her she wasn’t the smart, confident woman that she was.
He would use the children against her, and he would threaten to take them from her. As a mother who loves her children uncontrollably, she couldn’t bear the thought of him doing something to them. So she kept quiet.
As many others have said, you cannot possibly comprehend the situation until you realise you are in it and you struggle to get out.
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I am sorry to hear what you and your family have been through and it was perhaps insensitive of me to write my thoughts down. I do understand what you are saying and I know of men who are something like this. Some men will isolate women to shore up their power, spread misinformation and manipulate very well. Some are very smooth talking, have the gift of the gab and others are surprised if finally the truth is revealed. What attracts someone to someone like this? What makes them have an initial relationship with someone which leads to marriage? I can understand the things that keep women in that situation once they are there. I just don’t understand how they get there in the first place. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks like this. Maybe the others weren’t attracted to this story because it is not relevant to them. I almost didn’t read it and when I did, it caused me to react. It was very brave of you to share this story and to then be vulnerable to comments like mine. I am sorry for all the people who,have identified with this because of their own situations.
I do not think my views come from ignorance or whatever. I think there are a whole world of women who would never be in this situation, they are just not reading this or commenting. Best wishes.
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I’m not speaking from personal experience, just from being a friend/observer, but I’d suggest that in many situations it’s the frog in boiling water example. Why doesn’t the frog jump out? Because the water starts off cold and is very, very slowly turned up to boiling. Many, many women don’t get into situations like this, they find themselves in them. These men don’t come barreling in as manipulative bastards, they either become them, or reveal them – very, very slowly.
I don’t know if I’m making sense but I think it can be both naive and shortsighted to say that particular women would never be in this situation, or judging as lacking, those who find themselves there.
Cherie, good on your mum for finding her strength again. I hope that her life just gets better and she smiles a lot more.
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Well i’m not naive, but I do wear reading glasses! Let’s just agree to differ on this one.
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My father bought home his girlfriend to live with us. Mum got a broken jaw when she told her to leave. After 7 years of abuse, Mum finally ran far enough away that he couldn’t find us. For around 3 years after we left, we only had contact with our family through a solicitor so he couldn’t beat anyone up to find us. My father died last year, I only felt relief and didn’t go to the funeral.
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hms, I never had to really experience full-on physical abuse so I can only imagine the pain and fear that you went through. I’m so happy though that you and your mum are now able to live without fear.
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I will use this story as inspiration to raise strong, independent and confiident daughters, to ensure they never feel trapped in a relationshp. I thank my mum for doing the same. It’s unbelievable that women still allow their partners to control them. Some just need a good shake (and support ofcourse) to run for the hills.
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No, its not unbelievable, if you have even the slightest understanding of emotional blackmail and manipulative behaviour. Your comment is stated from the innocence of someone who has not been exposed. You are very lucky. Women stay for many reasons- complicated, multi-faceted family reasons. I hope you never understand this.
A good shake? Really? Somehow you still want to put the blame in the wrong spot.
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It’s not blame, just a wish they’d have the confidence and strength to leave and realise they will be ok on the other side. I won’t apologise for having a fabulous family life but I have seen some close to me use excuses that seem unimportant in the scheme of things…like “how would I afford to keep the car if I leave’ or the ‘kids would have to give up activities if we saparate’ ….this when they are living in hell. Nothing is that complicated that you should have your life at risk. But thanks for your condescending reply
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I would call your response condescending in the extreme. Years ago I thought the same, having had a wonderfully middle-class upbringing with a wonderful father; disbelieving that anyone could stick around seemingly out of active choice. However, as my husband descended into a depressive state, it manifested primarily at home by raging furiously at me for trapping him (apparently into a life of mortgaged rat-race drudgery). Having spent years out of the workforce with small kids (all earning power and assets to his name) suddenly I did feel a sense of helplessness. Bloody Hell, it’s never as cut & dried as you might think.
Thank goodness I had his family to support me standing up to him, and thank goodness he chose to turn his life around, but Geez it really could have gone the other way, like a couple of my girlfriends.
Making ignorant sweeping statements about abusive relationships when you’ve never been there is like searching for the right thing to say when your girlfriend has miscarried (and you never have): don’t even go there, you’ll end up with your foot in your mouth having made things worse.
And saying some women just need a good shake to get out of a bad situation ?? Surely trolling
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I will use this story as inspiration to fight for stopping violence against women and encourage kind, considerate and respectful men. Its unbelievable that so many men are still so controlling of their wives and girlfriends. These men need more than a good shake!
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Wow. You have a bright future as a writer.
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Thank you, Eva
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Something similar happened to someone I know. This story is always told from the women’s side. I want to know what’s going on in men’s heads when they do this? Why mistreat people they love?
In my friend’s case, she is glad to be rid of him. She had a career so she’s left with lots of options and the love of her children. He is looking at a lonely, broke old age. His children hate him. It’s impossible to understand.
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I agree. I would really love to hear about this from a male perspective, to hear from them why they did it.
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There is a book that could answer this question for you – “But He Says He Loves Me” by Dina L. McMillan. She has a doctorate in social psychology and has counselled thousands of women victims and male perpetrators of domestic violence, in all it’s forms. She is also an advisor to the government and developer of domestic violence support programs.
She writes the book with the perpetrator’s version on the left pages and the victim’s version on the right pages of the book.
Although she is not a man, the book is, by far, the closest I have come to an accurate description of how and what these men think, believe and act on. It also shows how insidiously they undermine strong, independent, intelligent women who become shells of who they used to be. It’s chilling but every woman should read it and get to know the smallest signs of what these men do and the more devastating behaviour that follows on from those small signs.
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That was my Mum 20 years ago. My father was a serial adulterer and it came to a head when he got involved witha 25 year old. I was 17 and was as heartbroken as my Mum to learn the kind if man he really was. The lowest point was my Mum attempting suicide and him refusing to do anything to help me help her. I haven’t spoken to him for many years. He doesn’t know my husband or my children and he never will. He had cancer last year and asked my brother to tell me about it then waited for me to go to him. I didn’t he can rot in hell for all I care.
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I was in your situation, many years ago now, watching my mother rebuild herself. And she did. It took a long time, but now she is strong, and wonderful and in an amazing relationship. She works doing what she loves (well past retirement) and has travelled the world. My father on the other hand is doing exactly the same to another woman.
Best of luck to you and your mother.
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This story is way too close to home for me. I am choking back the tears for what this women went through because i know how hard it is & how it feels to hold on & hope for so long. It took me 4 years to face the truth & finally leave. My ex still denies everything & thinks he is the one who is hard done by now that I have left. I didn’t want my young daughter to grow up thinking a depressed, repressed, down trodden, lacking in confidence, no self esteem mummy was normal. I wanted her to grow up seeing me as me … Fun loving, caring, happy, confident, capable & loving life rather than fearing it. Some terrible things led me to leave & as hard as it was I’m glad I did … I have my life back again. My self confidence is returning, I am learning to believe in myself agaIn & my daughter knows what her mum really looks & sounds like. I used to pinch myself at how lucky & happy I was all my life until my husband started to go through some of what is described above. I refused to believe it was happening, I tried not to blame myself : I questioned if I was boring or ugly or unloveable or not sexy enough … Then after years of being so unhappy & losing my spark I realised it wasn’t about me, it is his journey & I have to get off his boat & onto my own boat. I had to stop trying to row his boat against the current. Now I’m in my own boat going with the stream life is so much easier & I am so much happier. I wish my family was still together, I wish my husband hadn’t stopped loving me but I you can’t control anything in life but yourself & sometimes that is even hard to do. I dint understand why men don’t leave if they are so unhappy with their wives, I also dint understand the great swing from being with a loving wife & then turning to a completely different culture … There must be an explanation as it seems to happen a bit. When I questioned my husband about his new found interest in developing friends from another part of the world he told me I was racist. The truth is I dont have a racist bone in my body. Warning : If you see any of these patterns forming in your relayionship or husbands behaviour dont destroy yourself,… walk away – for you & your kids … You will be loving yourself & your kids all the better for it. Xxx
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I’m so glad you got out, too. I’m so glad you found the strength. I can’t tell you how much it has changed me as a person to see my mum rise from the ashes. Your daughter will be so grateful to you in years to come. I wish you the very best. Hold on to knowing that you are a powerful, loving woman who deserves only the best.
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I didn’t know I had it in me to leave. I thought I had to stay and support him and love him through a terrible time. Some call it a mid life crisis? I thought he would wake up one day and see how much he was hurting us and himself , but I was waiting for a miracle. I wanted so ,much to believe it wasn’t happening. I wanted to believe all these women from other countries not far from Australia were just ‘friends’. I wanted to believe that his excessive drinking and nastiness and inability to have sex with me or really love me was temporary and nothing to do with me. I hope he finds happiness and all that he wanted with his young grilfriend who is in australia learning English on a student visa. I want my daughter to have a great relationship with her dad and hopefully never see the side of him that hurt and damaged my confidence so much. But I am rebuilding, I am happy in myself and I look forward to finding a kind strong, together man that will help me to trust and love again. Like another reader I would love to read about what is going on from the mans side. My ex found it near impossible to talk about his feelings or what was going on. He would say “they are my friends and they are none of your business” or he’d say “we don’t get along anymore and there is nothing I can do about it”. But we had been best friends, we had been equals, we had been lovers and we had once made a decision to bring children into this world together and to love them and each other. I don’t know what happened and I have to accept that I probably never will. I am on my own journey now. I am reconnecting with friends and family and I am happy in myself and my daughter and I are living with peace and harmony in our new life. It’s so incredibly hard to leave and move on but if you with a cheater or liar or player you can do it …. To save yourself and so that your children can see you being the real you
xx
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What an inspiring story, thank you for sharing with us xxx
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A timely article for me. A dear friend’s husband has walked leaving her with nothing but heartache and sole responsibility for a daughter devastated that her beloved father has left her and a special needs son. There is no property to divide – he made sure of that. Her wage will cover the rent and not much more. Time and time again I hear the same story. I’ve lived it from both sides – the distraught daughter and the single mother.
There’s emotional pain and serious financial consequences. I know it’s harsh, bitter and twisted advice but I’ve always told my girls to have an ‘escape fund,’ a secret bank account. You must keep your career, even when you want to snuggle down at home and raise your babies. I feel really awful saying that. It sounds like a terrible foundation for a relationship but I’ve seen dozens of women left destitute. Young women tend to maintain their careers now days but there are still many women in their 50′s who left work and didn’t go back.
Good wishes to you and your Mum, Cherie xx
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I have told my girls the same thing.
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but I’ve always told my girls to have an ‘escape fund,’ a secret bank account.
My mother always told me that as well. She said that I should never touch the child endownment money that it should go into the secret bank account whilst I tell my husband that it got spent on the kids, and that I also should take money whenever I could from the house keeping and bank it.
You must keep your career, even when you want to snuggle down at home and raise your babies.
I don’t know about that
If you can financially afford to stay at home with your babies you shouldn’t turn your back on giving them your time during that special time, on the off chance that some time in the future your husband might leave you.
I think that it’s important that the house is in joint names and is paid of as quickly as possible because that gives you some financial security.
I didn’t have my children until I was in my thirties, by then the house was paid off. It was important to my husband that we were debt free before we had children so that I could stay at home and raise them.
But yeah it’s very tricky:( But when I look around at the people I know whose marriages have broken down, it seems to me that in a lot of the times it’s the ex-husbands who have got the bad end of the stick both financially and emotionally.
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I don’t think it’s harsh, bitter or twisted advice to tell young people to maintain some sort of financial autonomy. It’s a simple fact- sometimes, bad things just happen to good people. Just because you’re prepared for the worst doesn’t mean you actually want it to happen.
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I have to disagree with this. Sure, be careful with your finances and take responsibility for your own financial future, but a secret escape fund, even if you really don’t need it? That screams of someone who has some serious trust issues. There’s an equal number of men about who get ripped off by gold digging women.
How about you tell your kids to get a job that can safely provide for you now and into the future, be proactive about your finances and don’t delegate this important job to someone else and don’t let someone else dominate/or take advantage of you in your personal life?
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God Bless you for sharing your personal & painful story. If it helps 1 lady examine her life & if it helps 1 young girl consider her relationship then you have saved one life from a similar journey of tears & pain. Life is too short. Thankyou
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Thank you Tiarni. That’s exactly what I want. I hope upon hope that someone who is struggling in a situation similar to this reads this and finds their way out.
My mum is doing really well since leaving him. She is strong and determined to fight for my two sisters who are still very young.
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How beautiful
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Thank God your mum has had the courage to leave this ridiculous man (at long last). I am so happy to read you have your mum back…I bet you have learnt some lessons along the way too…wishing the very best for you and your mum. Some men just shit me! I don’t understand why some one can’t just say ‘hey, the relationship is not working for me and I am going to see other people!’ Just be honest and give the other person a chance to make a decision about their own lives and not be treated appalingly with the indignity of an affair.
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Hi JulC. They can’t just say, “Hey, The relationship is not working for me and I am going to see other people!”, because the relationship is probably working exactly perfect for them. They have their downtrodden wife at home doing all the work and managing the kids, and they’re out having fun.
Shits me too!!!
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I think that’s true, my father would never have left my mother if she hadn’t kicked him out, he was very happy having a cook and cleaner at home and a whore out of the house. His life was way too comfortable and he had control over everyone. Not so much when he came home to discover his stuff on the lawn and the house locked up and him with no key!
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Tears in my eyes.
My daughter’s father sounds much like this man. There are a host of other issues there, but the lying, the manipulation, the secrets, all sound so familiar.
He has a partner, and another child now, and he cheated on her with me (or me with her, it was hard to keep track), when I found out that was it – but she took him back. It is so unbelievably sad for all involved, particularly the children.
It takes so much strength to realise that you ARE worthy of more, and to walk away. I hope your Mum will make it through these tough times, she is lucky to have a daughter like you, and I have little doubt that in a few years time her life will be immeasurably better for it.
Sometimes you have to walk away.
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Beautifully written, captured the emotion well.
I feel for your mum and others like her, leaving a home (however unstable) to look toward a future of single parenting must be daunting. Finances must play a large part in the decision making for many women who choose to stay.
I hope your mum smiles more often now.
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As a single mum I can say from my own experience that whilst life can be hard, and stressful, it is do-able. I know it’s never an easy decision, but children need stable, happy parents. IMHO it is so much better for a child to live with one functional, happy parent than be exposed to two miserable, fighting, defeated ones.
I know that it’s rarely an easy decision.
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What hard lessons. I’m so glad your mum found her strength, it’s so easy to lose it especially when it happens gradually.
What do this mans children think of his behavior? He sounds like he is building the foundations of a very lonely old age.
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My own father betrayed my Mother, and, in fact, the whole family, with my younger sister’s friend. She was sitting in the church pregnant when my father walked my sister down the aisle. Thirty years and a dozen grandchildren later, we haven’t spoken to or seen him. I wish him no harm but in my heart he died thirty years ago. I know blood is thicker than water but I just can’t go there and I pray no-one rings me when he’s on his death bed because I don’t know what I’d do.
I sometimes wonder if he thinks what he did was worth all the years he’s missed with his family.
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Sad but beautifully written. Sad enough to make me cry but then my tears turned to happy tears as you talk of your Mum fighting for herself. So glad she found her way back and I am sure the support of children helped with that. Best wishes to you all and your future
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First paragraph is pretty much me and my mother right now. So that’s fun.
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Thank you, that is very beautifully written. I have not gone through anything similar but just could not imagine experiencing something like that or seeing my mum in that situation. Mum has always kept a very strong front no matter what goes on and it would absolutely break my heart to see her struggle or in pain or upset. I have watched as my grandparents slowly lose their abilities, and as hard as that is, because they are in their 90s it is kind of expected.
As i now have my own baby I fear for the times growing up that he is upset. Looking bavk there were a few times in my life when I have been upset / devastated (relationship breakups etc) and mum has been there for me patting my back whilst I sob, I often think how upsetting this must have been for her and I know as a parent you will see your children upset but cannot imagine how difficult it will be.
Well done to your lovely mum for getting the courage to take charge and leave and how beautfiul it must be for you to once again see your real mum emerge and start to become her happy self again.
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