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Yesterday, I saw something that had never happened before, something incredibly moving, and it melted my heart. In the blue dusk, my partner stood ankle-deep in the ocean with one of my children on either side, holding their hands. Why is this so unusual? Because my partner isn’t my kids’ dad. No, they have a perfectly good dad who lives a few streets away and has them one week in every two.
My marriage broke down just over a year ago, and I am only now climbing to my feet. It is just in the last few months that I have been able to use words like “ex-husband”, “divorce”, and “step-parent”. They seemed words invented for other people, not for me. As a child of a broken home myself, I was determined to keep my family together. The ideal proved too much for me to maintain, however. The separation was amicable, but crushingly sad.
And the guilt has been devastating. I can still cry thinking about the day my son said to me, “But you promised you and daddy would never split up.” His eyebrows were pink, like they used to get when he cried as a baby. I can’t remember making that promise: I must have made it in the past when a marriage breakdown seemed inconceivable. But the guilt about falling in love with somebody else, somebody who isn’t their father, has been particularly acute. And not just from their perspective: my partner is significantly younger than me, and not at the stage in his life when children are on his mind. I come as a package deal and he understands that, but it has been difficult for me to relax when we’re all together. What if my kids annoy him? What if he annoys my kids? I’ve maintained a catlike state of readiness, pouncing on interactions or topics of conversation that might get out of hand, lead to doubts or tantrums. I wanted desperately for them to like each other, as a prelude to something deeper down the track.
In the end, time and closeness did the trick. Talking, laughing, watching cartoons, building sandcastles. They started by tickling and giggling, hugging goodbye and hello, moved to sitting in his lap unprompted, kissing his cheek for no reason. Now they’ll turn to him when they need something, they even have massive screaming rages in front of him: I guess that means they feel comfortable.
Once I saw my marriage breakdown as an awful thing that closed down my children’s lives. Now I see it so differently. There are more people to love: not only my partner and his family and friends, but also my ex-husband’s partner, her family and friends, maybe even half-siblings that might come in the future. Their horizons are opening up and up, and it may be chaotic, and it may sometimes be sad or difficult, but it isn’t less of a life this way. It’s more.
Kids are so artless. If they feel something they say it. My five-year-old told me yesterday that my partner is the “handsomest man in the kingdom, and I do decree that you shall marry”. The gears are changing in this new relationship, and even the children can feel it. We are all sinking deeper; and that’s okay, because we are all sinking together.
Kim Wilkins has published over 20 novels. She is a former bogan who now has a PhD and teaches writing and literature at University of Queensland. She has two young children and lives in Brisbane. You can read more about her here.
Introducing a new partner into your life, is it ever easy?
Comments
188 Comments so far
This is not a comment directly on Kim’s story but about divorce in general. I think that too many people put themselves before their children when they choose to divorce. People always say that if the mother is happy then the children will be happy, but I don’t always believe this to be the case. People underestimate the effect divorce has on children and there is a common belief that ‘kids are tough and they adapt’. I think more people should work on their marriages (and of course I’m not talking about ones where abuse and violence is involved. Marriage breakdowns are devastating for children and the effect on them cannot be underestimated. I believe that in many circumstances you should stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children – they didn’t choose to be in that relationship, you did and why should they suffer because you’ve decided you’ve had enough and ‘deserve’ to be happy? The happiness of the children is more important in my opinion. My marriage is far from happy at times but we put on our happy faces and make it work for the kids, to give them what they are entitled to which is a happy carefree childhood.
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Agree completely! I say this as someone in my late 20s whose mother left her father last year because she also thinks that she deserves to be happy. Of course, all bets are off when it comes to abusive relationships but generally speaking, I have an aversion to divorce as well. And again, this is not directed specifically at Kim, but my thoughts more generally.
If one party is, or both parties are, unhappy, try to figure out why. Communicate. Seek a third party (a counsellor, not of the other type!) to get an impartial perspective. Figure out how you can make a shared life that also makes you both happy. And recognise that relationships are hard work, they’re not always fun, they can be tiring and boring and frustrating, but they can also be incredibly rewarding, especially when people are in their 70s, 8s, 90s and they have a lifetime of shared memories to reflect upon.
Anyway, my 2c on the matter – even in my third decade, being the child (offspring?) of a broken home is not easy and I struggle to understand how the lifelong commitment all of a sudden became conditional on someone being able to maintain the same feelings that they had when they were 18, how 30 years and four kids together wasn’t worth trying a bit of marital counselling. Relationships evolve over time, they become less lustful, more caring, an arrangement for convenience (at times) and then, hopefully, a deep and lasting friendship and companionship which hopefully does not preclude sexual activity. To chase after romantic sensibilities that are better suited to a 16 year old is foolish and I don’t think that my mother will ever get what she wants. Unfortunately for my father, he doesn’t want anything else – just her.
This is part of what I wrote on my blog a few hours after I found out the new, which was just after returning from a lovely weekend away:
In Paris, like most major cities around the world, there are homeless people which is not something we see around here. Homeless people sleeping in tattered, unwashed sleeping bags outside the bottom of buildings where apartments cost upwards of a million euros. The contrast between the differing experiences of the human condition is something that guide books never write about but, for me at least, is one of the greatest things that you can learn when you travel. Upon reflecting on our weekend in Paris last night, we spoke of this. To give or not to give. I recounted that, for my first six months living in London, I gave change to all the beggars I came across, despite barely having enough money for my rent. In my youthful naivety I thought that this was the most honorable thing to do. Now, I prefer to give food. If I have an apple or some chocolate in my bag, I will give it to someone who claims hunger. For I can never know whether the money I give will go to drugs – in which case I am funding a scourge on society – or whether it will go to a hot meal. My conscience is clean this way.
Our weekend in Paris prompted plenty of discussion like this and extended into a broader discussion on the state of humanity. Superficiality. Violence. Greed. Poverty. What can we do to change things? How can we live with a clean conscience while others can’t feed themselves, their families, protect them from war and violence? I guess there is no easy answer to this. The solution probably starts with little acts of kindness. Checking in on a neighbour. Helping an elderly person cross the road safely or put their groceries in the car. Talking to someone doing it tough on the street. Giving your time to someone, to listen to their problems, without judgement. Writing a letter to a prisoner. Smiling at a rude checkout assistant. Thanking someone.
Funnily enough, one of the easiest ways to be happy is to make others happy, to give time or money or support to others. Too often we get caught up in what we want, what will make us happy? To live in a new country? To buy a bigger house? To earn more money? To leave our partner for a life, free and single, that we believe will be preferable? Often, the problem is that we’re not taking enough happiness from the life that we’re blessed with. We are not enjoying what our own country has to offer us, choosing instead to become part of the rat race, commuting, working, commuting, watching TV, sleeping. We are not enjoying the house that we already have, the joyful memories that we’ve made in the house. We are wanting to buy more, but for what – clothes that will be worn three times, probably fabricated by children working horrendous hours in dubious conditions; TVs that we’ll waste more time in front of; cars that will cost us more in repairs and maintenance than they’re worth? We are not investing time in maintaining our relationship, in discovering new things together, in taking enjoyment from a simple nightly conversation where we can discuss the highs and lows of our day, in supporting each other through the difficult times and in receiving support, in telling each other how much they mean to us and for thanking them for the small things.
Perhaps, firstly, we need to be grateful for what we’ve got. Then we need to think about something, anything, that we can do once a day to make the life of someone else a little bit better. And then do it.
I came back from Paris last night a little more grateful for what I’ve got. To see the dichotomy, to have it thrust in my face as it is when a homeless person approaches us on the train to ask for money for food, is confronting but ultimately something that improves us as humans, if we allow it to. We can’t stop people from dying of hunger or violence or war but we can be content for what we have and perhaps extend ourselves to share a little of our own good fortune in whichever way we can.
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There are hundreds, thousand of homeless people in Australia. It’s absolutely disgusting that we have such a high rate of homelessness.
Not just the mentally ill who are, sadly, very prone to homelessness but young people living on the streets from a very young age.
Young families living in cars. Seniors who can’t get housing commission and/or are on waiting lists for years.
We should be disgusted with our tragic level of homelessness in Australia. There should not be one homeless person here. We have badly let down our fellow humans and something urgently needs to be done.
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Agree completely! My remark “we do not see it around here” was made not referring to Australia but where I live in the French country side, in a small village.
It is almost criminal that Australia is one of the richest countries in the world but that there is not enough money to go round (read: it is not worth being spent on homelessness) to provide basic housing for the most vulnerable people in our society.
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I strongly agree with you. The old saying ‘kids are resilient’ to me is a code for ‘well I know its not the best thing for the children but I want to do it anyway’.. To throw your family away because you get the hots for someone else new and exciting, and lets face it thats why most men leave their wives, is so selfish its beyond comprehension. And as for the justification that children are better off with happy parents who are apart rather than miserable parents together, I doubt most kids would even be aware of their parents marriage being less than perfect. Unless of course its a violent home and thats another story completely, most kids just love their lives as they are and accept mum and dad as they are and dont want that to change. Little children deserve a childhood where their parents can put their desire for a new love life on hold and provide them with stability and security. They only get one childhood, but theres plenty of time for parents to move on when their kids are older enough to understand.
Funnily enough I just spoke to a friend going through a divorce and she said in hindsight she wishes they had stayed together and soldiered on for their children. The children are so damaged from the process and its not fair on them.
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Children are little spounges and they understand a lot more than what we think they do. I believe in “learnt behaviour.” If you want your children to have a loving,happy, healthy relationship, you need to show them how. Staying in a relationship purely for the kids sake is as detrimental than any type of abuse.
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Yuck yuck yuck! I’m reading lots of comments about re-partnering after divorce and the first word I come up with is yuck! I’m really glad it works for some people but coming from a broken home myself and currently going through a separation from my husband all I can think is ‘no, I don’t want this!’. Life is hard enough, I just sincerely hope my husband an I can work through our crap and save our marriage. I really don’t ever want to be in the situation that many of you are in!
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Sezzard, i”ve bee really worried about you as I’m sure have many others. Are you ok? how are you going? xxxx
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Thank you, yes I’m ok for now. My husband didn’t show for his visit with our son on Tuesday and I am still waiting for a response why from him. I’ve decided to just focus all my energy on me and my son and hope that my husband eventually realizes his mistake – as soon as his family butt out and back off. But thankyou for your thoughts, I do really appreciate them! Xx
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This story has given me hope about finding love again.
Thank you.
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I was a step mum for 17years to my husbands daughter, she was 12months old when their marriage dissolved. All she ever new was her dad and I and her mum and the step dad. She had 2 families, huge extended families. My step daughter was an only child for 5 years and was thoroughly loved and nurtured by all of us. By the time she was 12 she was one of 8! We had 3 children and her mum had 4 with her new husband. All was very amicable, we had shared care, all of us were involved in her life. I did 90% of all the driving, put bows in her hair, provided stability and honestly thought she was happily one of the crew. As she entered her teenage years she began to rebel a bit I suppose?? She would work out where the best deal was, who was buying her attention. Her mum’s place had 4 boys ours 2 girls and a boy, I really think she felt she lost her princess status at our place once our youngest daughter came along. There were a few instances of lying and story telling and stealing, really testing things that I could probably have handled better but we were a big family and she was treated equally, we had boundaries, although she had never been grounded or punished really….this child appears lovely and sweet but she managed to work the situation in her favour, the quickest way to a party was through her mum’s front door, so she chose to run off on a whim, I think she said she couldn’t live with us anymore because I didn’t drive her to the bus stop one day? It’s an 8 minute walk! Her mum, despite our previous civility quite enjoys her daughter having issues with us so it was never going to be a win here. We haven’t seen her for 6months, my husband calls and she ignores it, he sends messages and she replies occasionally, she has ignored her sisters/ brothers birthdays, our son was really sick and she knew about it but chose to ignore it. One of the girls broke her arm and she ignored it…blah blah…my point ( I think ) is just a reminder no matter how much work you put in or how much time passes the children are affected by marriage breakdown, blended families, she is 18 now and has had a charmed life with many people loving and looking out for her, but still, they have the ‘I’m from a broken home’ card they play when it suits. I know if I was to buy her back, and I have been tempted because it is my husbands favorite thing when we play happy families, eg. a ticket to New York would fix everything! But really I can’t be bothered with the disrespect and games. I did my bit well for 16 years and I am pretty much done. I thought I gave it a good go, just hope our younger kids don’t follow in her footsteps, (well they can’t run from one house to another and there was the biggest problem)
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Thanks Kim, I too went through the same process with my ex husband and our child this past year. While it is amicable it is still sad.
I too arrived at the same positive conclusion – there are more people to love – it is a non-traditional path which creates the village that raises the child.
So great to hear this perspective and know we can set the tone and lead the way for all the relationships in our life ( children, partners, inlaws, ex inlaws etc) to let go of the past responsibly and with consideration while embracing a new future.
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Beautiful, sad and wonderful insight…Thanx for sharing, Kim xx
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The day my ex-husband left my home I felt nothing but relief.
He’d been having an affair for a long time (worked away quite a bit so easy to hide) and was treating me quite badly out of guilt and confusion.
When I found out we gave it another chance, but it turned out fidelity is not his strong suit. In time i recognised his affairs were not the cause of the r’ship breakdown but a symptom of it not being quite right.
Truthfully I’m not sure I ever loved him, hence the relief when it all finally ended.
I was at peace with the fact I may be alone for the rest of my life. I was certainly open to the idea of having causual ‘relations’ but wanted to focus on raising my gorgeous kids, who were 4 and 6 at the time.
Of course, in true Murphy’s law fashion, I met my soul mate (never used to believe in that corny term!) not long after.
Nine years later we have a gorgeous three year old girl and a happy, safe, honest, functional and loving relationship. interestingly I’ve sat back to watch my big kids come to love him and the this gorgeous baby girl with all of their heart. It’s never occurred to them that she’s their ‘half sister’
The secret to our happiness:
Limit contact with the ex – sort out finances and custody arrangements ASAP and, while being reasonable, try not to deviate. Best for everyone, especially the kiddies.
Remember your new partner is not their parent. Instead look at it as a wonderful opportunity for your kids to have another supporter in their corner as they navigate life. Why define it. Too hard
Never never never say a bad word about their dad (or mum) in their presence – no matter how tempting. They are still their parent who theylove and miss dearly. My ‘big kids’ are now 14 and 12, and my eldest daughter recognizes it must’ve been hard and is grateful that I ‘rose above it’. By god it was hard! She’s worked out exactly what he’s like all on her own… Not that hard given he’s made the spectacular effort of seeing them for 4 days a month for 9 years,
Similarly respect the same role your ex’s partner pays – I’m certainly not friends with either of them, but really appreciate the effort she puts into my kids.
Because I’m a self-confessed lioness with my kids, i explained to my shiny new partner that the best way forward in the beginning was for me to be the disciplinarian and he be my supporter. It took me years before i was comfortable with him telling them off. I was exactly the same with my ex anyway, but at least i had hindsight and experience to recognize it as a flaw! This approach also helped him ease into being a parent.
Today our Medicare card has three last names on it (my maiden name, the kids dad’s name and my hubby’s name)
We’re the quintessential modern family and it feels just right!
Wow that was cathartic – thanks mamamia!
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As a stepmum, mummies out their think about what it’s also like for the new woman in your child’s life. There are some bitter and twisted comments on here. My husband’s exwife has been a complete nightmare, even insinuating we had an affair during their marriage. We didn’t, but she did and still plays the martyr very well. I emotionally
invested in my stepson very early on. My boys are my sunshine. I’ve spent many years and half the week raising my stepson. I took on a lot of baggage but I’ve never met anyone like my husband and I love my boys to bits. My stepson and I slowly slowly built our relationship and it was never pushed. It was an emotional minefield or me dealing with a toddler who ignored me at first, said awful and hurtful things, he just wanted his mum and dad together. Many times I cried “if I was ready for this”. It’s still difficult with my family not making things easy on us in accepting my stepson. I always make it clear that he has one mum. I’ve lost count how many times his mum has tried to cause issues and is completely unstable and irrational. My husband always says his son and I are the best things that ever happened to him. I feel the same. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve extended my friendship to his ex. They shouldn’t have married, they tried everything bu their marriage was dead for years. They had already been separated for 2 years before I met my husband. But, this relationship and the complexities involved has not made things easy at times. There have been times I’ve even nearly walked away. My stepson and I love each other, I’ve always been around him for as long as he remembers and we are from the same planet. I took a huge risk investing my time and future into my husband an stepson and everything that cane with that. I’ve watched friends who has purposely driven their husbands and stepchildren apart so much so it’s disgusting an they have zero relationship. I’ve had one friend advise me in laughter how her soon to be husband now limits his time to a 30 min skype call per week with his very young daughter and pays the minimal child support. He has legally states he doesn’t want any more than that in his childs life. It’s disgusting. One of the reasons why I fell in love was my husband was an amazing dad. I would never keep him from his son and I have always encouraged their strong relationship. I would have walked away if he was a scum father. The way I see our situation is that some people shouldn’t get married. Some people shouldn’t stay together even if they have a child. My husband and his ex are happier, my stepson is truly loved and my husbands family embraces me from day one. When times have been tough, I always think everyone has issues. Sure, I don’t think children should be introduced too early or if it’s not going to be a serious relationship, but please mums, give the new girlfriend a chance if you can see she is a great person and just as scared her new partner’s kid will hate her or his ex will make things difficult. She is also taking a huge risk and investment. Sure there are those who couldn’t care less about her stepkids, but there are good eggs out there who want to do the best by their stepkids and be embraced into a new family.
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Sorry for typos on iPhone and have flu. Sweet dreams. Great article / post.
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That is a great comment. Good on you! I am also second wife with two stepsons, like you worked slowly to build relationship. I am on very good terms with one stepson and fairly good terms with the other. Their mother is jealous of this because she doesn’t understand it being about THEIR happiness and not hers, and also she has issues. It isn’t always easy. We have our own kids now and my stepsons are young adults (they were teens when we met), and they love our kids. My husband gets a bad rap at times for being married a second time but like you said, some people shouldn’t marry. I sometimes get angry that his ex wife still has issues with him and wants his help when their kids are adults and he has both given her a job and helps support her. I wish he didn’t have to be in contact with her, but then I think how hard it must have been for his sons to accept us and that I should just let it go that my husband still has contact with his ex. Good luck to you!
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Thanks Anna! Loved your comment and can definitely relate to you. Best wishes too x
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I read this post quite a few hours ago, and have been thinking a lot about it ever since….
It really did resonate with me, I too am from a broken home, and had very big issues with step mothers and mums boyfriends.
I lived with my dad, and had two step mothers, plus 3 girlfriends over the space of 10 years. It was a lot to get my head around.
When my ex and I seperated the kids were 4 and 7 months. I firstly went about saying how I would never have a boyfriend. I was never putting my kids through the crap I went though. My ex and I even talked it over and said that we both thought it for the best that there be no new partners.
2 years after we seperated I started thinking maybe that wasnt the way to go…. I started to look for someone to date. I went on about 5 first dates. One guy I saw pretty much weekly for about 3 months, the kids never knew he existed… as far as they were concerned when they were at dads I cleaned the house.
The next guy that I dated they found out about by accident. It was thier weekend with thier dad, I was in the middle of moving house and the new boyfriend was helping me dismantle the swing set. My ex popped past my house unannounced to pick up extra clothes and the kids saw him.
We had been dating less than 6 weeks.
It didnt fit my plan at all, but I took it as a sign and introduced him as a friend. My (by this stage) 6yr old isnt silly and knew it was more. But we played it very safe to start with. He met them properly 2 weeks after we moved into the house. He came for dinner, on a sunday, so there was a good reason to make it an early night. Him and my son (the eldest) bonded over how to light the fire place. This was late July.
Now we’re at the point where the kids ask if hes coming over to play video games, they enjoy his company. They joke that if we get married he wont be a step dad, he’ll be a step brad (his name) as hes not thier dad and has never tried to be. But he is there to be another role model, someone who cares for them and enjoy thier company.
My kids have met his family (hes slightly younger than me, and no kids) and his extended family and have really enjoyed having extra people around. But they are just that, extras. They have a Mum, Dad, 5 sets of grandparents (dont ask!!!) Aunts, Uncles and a cousin. The more the better.
I never set out for this. I left my marriage expecting to be alone until the kids were grown up, but I am now 9 months into an amazing relationship. Not only do I get love and respect, my kids do too. They return it to him. My time with him doesnt take from them (most of our time together is either when kids are with the ex, or when they are in bed) but we have around one day/night a week where he sees them too.
Its a balancing act, but I dont think anyone can judge the writer of this post – she hasnt got a revolving door where boyfriend after boyfriend is coming though, shes doing the best she can, and making the choices she deems right, right now. And isnt that all each of us can do.
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Hi Michelle
I think it sounds like you’re doing the right thing, you’ve chosen a good partner and you and your kids are happy. My mum was alone my whole childhood due to her having trust issues about men around her daughter. Then I grew up, moved out, led my own life. And she’s lonely. She feels like she’s too old now. It makes me sad that I’ve been her whole life – but I have to live mine.
You have to live too, and be happy x
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What a thoughtful and well written post. I was wondering why the name Kim Wilkins was so familiar, and I realised that she lectured me on Beowulf in my first year at uni (very humorously I might add!)
I hope it all works out for you Kim. Best of luck on your journey. xxxx
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Having witnessed friends families go through split ups, deaths of spouses, remarriages and new partners, I have learned enough to know that the happiest outcomes are from the parents who waited a long time before moving on with someone new. By a long time I mean, waiting until their kids are independent. The kids who have had mum and dad parade a procession of new people through their lives dont benefit from it. The friends whose parents waited until they had finished school at least, are very grateful to their parents for putting their feelings ahead of their own, and despite the trauma of their parents marriage finishing they feel their teenage years were stress free and calm, compared with the friends who parents had new parents and husbands.
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Blended families are tricky things, for sure.
I’m a divorced single mum of two boys (4 and 7 yrs) and I’ve done a bit of thinking about the whole re-partnering thing. At the end of each year I’ve been alone I take stock, and ask myself if I feel ready for a relationship. Nope. It’s been 4 years now. I still feel broken. I don’t think I could trust a guy again. And my standards are so high, it would have to be someone so fantastic that would love my boys as well as me. And be ok with not meeting them for at least a year. My boys attach to people so easily, I couldn’t bear breaking their hearts.
My ex went straight from leaving us into relationships, including one with my close friend (which was a painful thing, I ended up breaking the friendship, which affected my boys as they had been close to her) and eventually settled on someone, moved overseas with her and married her.
He didn’t ease my boys into any of his relationships, and I worry about the effect this has had on them. He didn’t tell them he was moving overseas until 3 days before it happened. My 7 year old was devastated. He equates getting married with his Dad abandoning him. He had a phase of wanting to marry his little girlfriend, then said to me one day “Mummy I don’t ever want to get married. You just get hurt, and I don’t want to hurt my best friend.”
For me personally, it’s easier to remain single and avoid the heartache.
Maybe one day I’ll feel less broken.
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You sound like a really fantastic mother, your children are very lucky. I hate seeing separated partners go through new romantic partners putting their already hurt and stunned children through this. I feel that it is very very selfish. After a separation the children have to come first, not ones romantic life.
I’m sorry you’ve been so hurt, it’s very painful. But it will get better. xxxx
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Thanks Louisec.
xx
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Beautifully said Kim!
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This situation is sadly so common these days. I met my ex husband when I was 17 and he was 29 (I was somewhat suffering from a lot of issues obviously). I became pregnant to him when we had broken up after 3 months. I was somehow prepared to be a single mum but he wanted more for his child, so we bought a house. The short of the long, I had another child to him and after 7 years of trying to make something of a relationship that I knew wasn’t going anywhere, I ended it, after many times over the years of fighting for it for the children’s sake. When i told my mum, her response was but what about the children…. And went on to say that at least she stayed in her marriage for the years until we were older. Seeing that kind of dysfunction is huge growing up! I had my father pretty much disown me and my two brothers. Thank god for my mum who just knew that i needed her! I was pretty much on my own for 2 years (apart from a couple of stupid and short relationships). Can’t say that being on my own was a holiday but I became content in being with the children and enjoying life where it came to being for myself. I met my no absolutely wonderful man on the Internet. He has one son, I had two children & a big call for him to take on me and the “baggage”. We now live together, have a 7.5 month old son and another one due in September. I guess my view is that at mid age or further down the track, we all have baggage, whether it be ex boyfriends, children, issues, whatever… Blended family life is bloody hard but isn’t it the hard things in life that are worthwhile? I find myself gazing a lot in to how lucky/grateful I am to have a man that loves me unconditionally. He never judges me, my past life and it is quite overwhelming at times to believe i am worth that. We all deserve happiness. Life is sooooo short to sweat the small stuff! I found offering my children professional help has been the best thing for them. There is so much disappointment in their life where it comes to their father so I guess someone who isn’t involved in their daily lives is a big help. For all the single mummy’s out there: take your time, revisit living for yourself for a while. I truly believe that when you aren’t so intent in looking for that person, he comes along. For the step families: taking each day as they come, remember that you and your new husband/partner chose to be together so keep it that way meaning you and him are the core to the family unit. Create memories with him and the children.
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I’ve been separated for almost three years, I didn’t even consider dating or getting involved with anyone for the first year and even now I haven’t allowed any involvement to impinge on my children. If I meet someone I think might be in my life for the long term I would introduce them but I’ve not met anyone I think would possibly meet my expectations nor do I think my children are really ready for me to have a new partner. I doubt I’m healed enough yet nor have I had enough time to be “single me” to be able to do a long term relationship justice and it amazes me that some people re-partner so quickly. I can’t imagine having done that myself but what suits me is not for everyone. I think it needs to be a matter of making good choices, not waiting a specified time.
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I wanted to give my perspective as a step parent.
I met my now husband 7yrs ago, master9.5 was 2.5 yrs old and husband and the ex had been separated for a year and a half. I met masterthen2.5 after about 3 weeks, looking back maybe it was soon but as husband had 50 % shared care we felt it was ok. When we ended up moving in together 9 mths later, I definitely didn’t make the decision lightly as it affected masterthen2.5 on a daily
Basis.
7 yrs on, master9.5 lives the majority of the time with us and we are a happy family. It’s not to say there hasn’t been issues, but I see him as my child (although many would argue he isn’t) and see our situation as one of biggest things that has impacted on my life positively. It’s also the hardest thing I have ever done, but with great rewards. I have been a crucial part of a Lovely little boys life and been able to help him and see him grow into the lively 9.5 year old he is today.
I certainly recognize our situation is different from many others, but I suppose it shows it can work.
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My parents divorced and within two years they had both remarried and had more children.
While this wasn’t a huge rush for my parents, the marriage had been on the rocks for some time (and the new partners had been on the scene for almost as long), I as a child was completely unaware of those issues. It was a shock to me.
While I’m sure Kim has let the relationship evolve naturally (her children are younger than I was, and probably more adaptable, I was 8), I thought I’d share because my parents did a great job of protecting me from their marriage breakdown, but not such a great job at allowing me time to adapt to the changes in my life. To this day I don’t have an especially close relationship with any of my family.
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Beautiful Post. I struggle with this issue so much. I am a single mother with 2 of my children living with me full time. They have no contact with their dad for the past 4 years now. My last relationship, my boys got very attached to my partner (been together for 2.5 years) and when we broke up, he promised them to stay in touch, he didn’t. Really hurt my boys..
I am scared to introduce them to another man. My life is such that I don’t have much time away from my boys and by force of circumstances, they will have to be introduced to any man I am with sooner than I would like. How soon is too soon? is there a rule?
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No, I don’t think there’s a set right time to introduce him. I introduced my husband as a friend at first, then told them he was my boyfriend and didn’t involve him in the family stuff until I knew he’d stick around. We’ve been together 20 years this year.
You can’t tell who’ll be a keeper. I suppose you could talk about relationships to the boys and let them know that not all of them last and one probably will eventually. Also, maybe tell the next man not to make promises he can’t keep if it all goes sour.
Good luck.
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You know, reading some of the comments it seems that a lot of people are bringing a lot of their own emotional baggage to Kim’s post.
Relationship breakdowns are awful but they’re also very individual.
Just because it didn’t work out well for you or your parents….we shouldn’t project that onto Kim’s experience or her decisions about when to introduce her kids to her new partner.
You can’t always plan these things and every mother must make the choices she thinks are best.
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Well said! I’ve never read an article about blended families that didn’t evoke that reaction.
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It does ask at the bottom of the post what our experiences are, so of course people are going to share them. There are some good and bad stories here, but I think everyone generally means well. And some of the advice and different perspectives might be helpful, be it to Kim or another single parent. Or they just might need to vent about their own circumstances, and that’s ok.
If no-one gave a comment based on their own life or beliefs, then this would be a very dull discussion. One of the reasons I love mamamia is that people are so open with their experiences, and I enjoy reading them all (and sometimes even changing my mind about my original perspective).
Being a single mother in a new relationship, I’m going to read all the responses carefully, and take it in. Positive or negative.
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I haven’t read all the messages yet, so am not sure if there are some harsh ones. But i do think it’s really vital to hear from people about when they were children and went through their parents break up and then their new partners. We need to hear from their perspective, it’s very important.
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Parents do not want to hear it, but children find divorce really difficult. My parents divorced when I was young and it has colored my entire life. It was probably not the actual act of divorce, it was the discovery that my parents were capable of particularly vicious and childish behavour which they sustained for many years
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Thanks for the what seems to be the first sensible comment on this post yet. It seems very judgmental of people, even those who’ve been a child in a separated marriage, to comment on the situations of others. The first comments seem to have latched onto the ‘other partner’ as being the only reason for separation. I would think that most of the time this is a sympton not a cause. The cuase is generally within the relationship. It’s all very well to say that parents ‘must work it out for the sake of the children’ without knowing all the facts of very individual situations. Age and circumstances can provide clarity in a relationship. Often people are confused as to why they can’t make it work when they think they ought to. Many relationships have subtle inequalities and imbalances. I don’t think anyone should judge others unless they walk in their shoes. I always thought that you should always put the children first and was horrified when a friend separated from her husband with seemingly no regard for her children, to be with her ex from 20 years earlier. I still disagree with her methods but I do think that her marriage was over. I am now facing an imminent separation after spending around 4 years of ‘putting the children first’ The relationship is not going to work with such imbalance and only one of us (me) having ever invested anything on an emotional level into it. It’s taken weeks of counselling for me to accept that I do deserve to be happy and that it isn’t ok for me to be satisfied being in a relationship that only works because I compromise on everything.
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Hi La Petite Chou, just out of curiosity, what ever happened to the lost love from your past? Is he married now? Could you contact him again perhaps? I’m such a romantic. I really wish you well for the future
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He’s moved on. I’ve moved interstate. That door is closed and has been so for over eight years.
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What a beautiful post. So moving.
Thanks Kim for sharing it.
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I’ve been a single Mum since I was pregnant, and my daughter is 3.5 years old. I started dating again when she was just under 2, and was very careful in the early months to keep my dating life and my life as a mother separate. So it took maybe 4 months for them to really spend time together. A few months later, we broke up, partially because I could see he wasn’t the man I wanted in my daughter’s life, partially because of other things that surfaced in that time. But in that short time she became attached. And completely devastated when he didn’t come around anymore.
I don’t think its black and white… its good to get to know them first, but at the same time its also good to see how they interact with your kids- if they don’t get along, there’s no point. This time I’m letting my partner spend time with her like I would any other friend- so that means no sleep overs when she’s around, no PDA’s, and no trying to convince her how wonderful he is. It seems to be working so far… but its a tough call on what the right thing is to do if you’re a new parent, dating life is so much more complicated!
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I think everyone should realise everyone’s story is different , and unless you know all the facts you have no right to judge . I was a single mum from the start with my son I waited until I meet a wonderful man then waited six months to introduce him to my son , it’s been two years now and all three of our lives are so so much better because we all have each other , my son has a brilliant father figure who just loves him to bits , I have a loving partner and my boyfriend had a family how adores him . It can work
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I am glad things are working out for you Kim. My life experience makes it very hard for me to be optimistic about family splits, new partners etc, but I sincerely wish the best for you all.
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Like Sally (below), I wonder if Kim has moved on too soon. Not from the perspective of the children nor the absolute time-frame, but from Kim’s own perspective.
Don’t get me wrong .. a year separated and into a new relationship is fine. I know from experience that through the end of a marriage, sometimes by the time you actually make the split, your emotions have pretty much all been through the ringer and dealt with.
My concern for Kim is through her own description of the process.
“I am only now climbing to my feet.”
“The separation was amicable, but crushingly sad.”
“And the guilt has been devastating.”
“.. the guilt about falling in love with somebody else, somebody who isn’t their father, has been particularly acute.”
“I wanted desperately for them to like each other, as a prelude to something deeper down the track.”
What I’m hearing is that Kim may not have given herself enough time to grieve the loss of her marriage and marital state and to come to real, honest terms with herself as an individual outside of that and how to move forward. And that, from my experience, could be dangerous for her down the track .. or at least, robbing her of the growth experience of allowing herself the time she needs to really consolidate these changes.
To Kim’s comments of:
“In the end, time and closeness did the trick.”
“Once I saw my marriage breakdown as an awful thing that closed down my children’s lives. Now I see it so differently.” and,
“The gears are changing in this new relationship, and even the children can feel it.”
I would say: There has not been enough time for any firm foundations (in absolute terms, this time) and that is seems to me you are tying your own healing and that of your children to the success and bonding of this new relationship. Which is fine while it’s great, but it can also be making your happiness and personal development (of both yourself and your children) dependent on another person.
What I feel the need to say to you, Kim, is to understand how much time you have left in this life. You don’t need to rush through any part of the process. You don’t need a successful relationship to justify to yourself, your children or anyone else that a failed marriage was obviously “right” .. the two are completely unrelated. You do need to be kind to yourself and whatever path grief needs to take for you all. You do need to be gentle with yourself and your loved ones and allow things to develop at their own pace and with their own twangs of imperfection.
And from someone who thought she was whole and ready 3 months after ending a marriage only to find out that emotional scars can be deep and long-running when not given the time to bubble up and be addressed, do yourself a huge favour (call it a luxury) and book in for some sessions with a psychologist (get a referral from your GP to get a very good Medicare rebate). It will help you clear away the emotions, clarify your authentic self in this new world of yours and set up the way forward in the best way possible.
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I think only Kim knows whether or not it’s too soon or not. But you know what! I’m happy for you Kim, you deserve to be happy after going through such a tough time! Good luck!
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Xena, with respect, you cannot make assumptions about Kim’s emotional readiness or in fact much at all about her life by reading one post.
Please don’t make it hard for women to open up and be honest about their lives by rushing to give your opinion about their situations.
Sometimes we just need to be able to express ourselves……..
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You’re right, Elizabeth .. I don’t know much about Kim from one post and I tried to not make huge assumptions, just read what Kim herself had written. I understand that sometimes we just need to be able to express ourselves .. but I’m not sure a blog such as this where people are invited to comment and offer opinions is really the place to simply share. Are we expected to just say (and not just to Kim, but to any poster that shares experiences/issues/etc) “awww, that’s so nice .. you’re so wonderful .. you’re doing so well”?
In my world, I appreciate when others with varied experience share that experience. If I could learn something through what others have been through and short-circuit learning the lesson myself, then that’s great as far as I’m concerned. What I DO assume is that many others are like that.
Kim can read what I’ve said and decide that it doesn’t apply to her at all, and that’s fine. We too easily scream “judgmental” when often it’s just people sharing THEIR experience when what someone is describing sounds a lot like where they once were or how they once felt .. before something else then happened.
What a lot of people here label “judgmental” is viewed by others with a different slant as “tough love” .. and ultimately, it’s the tougher stuff and pushing boundaries of what you think that helps you change and grow more than softly softly validation.
I truly hope Kim is doing well to her core and that things keep developing the way they have.
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You’ve said it way better than I could have in my response above. If someone is posting an issue like this here, then it is generally accepted that it will be discussed, with many different opinions. And from what I see here, most people actually do care, their responses are not out of spite.
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Sorry, Elizabeth .. I got a bit carried away with my general response. It wasn’t all directed at your comment! Just more what I see a lot on this site.
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So well said Xena!!
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xena i liked your comments. I thought they were very wise and not judgemental at all. I’m sure Kim will see it that way as well. It was compassionate advice many of us can take on board.
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Thanks Amanda, Rachel and sydney gal for your likemindedness. Tells me that while my view on the world isn’t for everyone, it IS for some!
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Yes I agree completely. I thought her comments were very fair and reasonable and quite caring.
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I think Xena just encapsulated what Kim herself wrote. Beautifully said Xena and so compassionate… you didn’t need to read ‘between’ the lines. Having been there myself, I hope that Kim is brave enough to take what might appear here to be criticism or judgement by some and digest it and figure out why she is still so fragile and looking for validation… to enable her to climb far above beyond where she was and is, on her own too feet.
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Thank you, Dr Phil.
HELLO?
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I genuinely hope that Kim’s relationship lasts as her little children appear to have formed a strong bond with her man.
Sadly, I’ve seen what happens to kids when a strong bond is formed and then the relationship ends. The children have already ‘lost’ one parent – they attach to a boyfriend – and then that relationship ends so they are bereft and bewildered all over again. And again. And again.
Please…don’t introduce your children to a partner before at least a year is up. A year is a good amount of time to really get to know someone, judge their character and assess whether or not they will make a suitable step parent.
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what a beautiful story. Your children are so lucky to have so much love in their lives
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It is REALLY hard not to be judgemental but (I know I am ) – of a female acquaintance who left her husband.. went out on her ‘own’ but soon after had a male ‘friend’ who was introduced to the kids- who is she kidding we know she had most probably found him before she left. The primary school kids were obviously still reeling from the split and which way was up… The younger started suffering from behavioural problems and anxiety manifesting in issues with defecating, the older child walked in on the couple having sex and was traumatised – the mother felt frustrated and was wondering why the kids weren’t adjusting? And seemingly ‘creating’ these problems and burden for her?
Within months she moved in with the new boyfriend (second move for the kids in a little over 6 months) and became a blended family with his teenage children and is now engaged… all less than 12 months and is complaining that she has to wait 12 months to get divorced. WHO is SHE really thinking about here?
I know it is a little off point but thanks for letting me get that off my chest – it has REALLY been bugging me.
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That sounds a very sad situation for those children Anonymous. I also want to say I really appreciate Kim’s post, Xena’s comments-so insightful and compassionate- and the respectful sharing demonstrated here today- not always the case when it comes to personal experiences.
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Hi Nicola, it is sad to watch. It truly is and if I voiced my opinion my friend would think I was being judgemental and trying to diminish her happiness. I totally understand wanting to emerge from the darkness of a death of a relationship and feel joy and valued again, connected. But what I see so often is that the loss hasn’t most often really been reflected upon and dealt with. Even Kim herself after 12 months has said she only just climbing to her feet. But so many start running towards someone new to fill that void well before they have started walking again and some seem in denial about the impact on their children. Like my ‘friend’
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I really enjoyed this article.
When I was twelve, my best friend and next door neighbour cheerfully informed me that she had overheard her mum say that my parents had ‘tension.’ I went home and asked my mum what that meant and I still remember the pain and guilt on her face. My parents divorced a year later and it was the best thing they could have done for me and my siblings. Now we have two fantastic stepsisters and a stepdad, and frankly, my mother finally has someone who deserves her. I’m truly grateful I didn’t have to enter adolescence in a house filled with strained silences and pain.
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Posts about step parents will always pluck at heartstrings. As a stepmother, they sure pluck at mine.
I can’t comment without going into a long spiel so I will say only that I think it’s a brave thing to write about. I haven’t been brave enough myself. I support you, your new partner and everything that makes your family unit work.
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That was me. Don’t know why it’s not registered as me.
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As a single mum of 3 yr old twin girls I have attempted a new relationship but it was much harder than I anticipated. I knew it would be hard for any guy taking on my package deal, but I never realised how hard it would be for me always worrying that I wasn’t keeping everyone happy, that I wasn’t sharing myself fairly or disciplining my children effectively. Although he was only ever understanding and supportive it was always on my mind. I have since decided that flying solo is the easiest option for the time being
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Single mother of twin three year olds, goodness, that must be hard work some days Sharee!I don’t know how you and other single mums out there do it. Hats off to you and I hope you get to have at least some time to yourself. And one day get to a place where it feels right to have a relationship again x
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I agree with Kate. I never considered how hard it must be for single Mums until I had my baby. Can’t imagine not having that break when husband gets through the door!
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WOW. I’m a single Mum of one 3 year old and dating is challenging. I have the utmost respect for you. I have a few friends with 2 or 3 children (of different ages, not triplets) who are single parents, and whenever someone says “I don’t know how you do it!” I say “Well neither do I, but my hat off to single parents with more than one.” And I mean it. Most single parents I know say its a lot easier when the kids are in school, a bit older and in their routines. So don’t give up just yet
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I’m not a fan of the ‘love me, love my dog’ attitude after people divorce and they begin dating someone new. I dont see why the new partner has to instantly become a new fixture in the family. Why cant mum date him away from the family and leave the children alone?
Adults dont even like it, so I cant imagine how children feel. My mother in law had a new partner a few years ago and they both wanted their adult children, spouses and grandchildren to all blend like one big happy family. They set up a meeting very early in their relationship. None of us were interested. We were all glad they were happy together but we didnt want to play new happy families. Fortunately for us both sides of the family felt the same way, we were all adults and able to talk about our feelings and it was accepted well. They have their relationship together and we arent expected to play the Brady Bunch at Christmas. I feel for little kids who cant talk about their feelings openly, dont want to be dragged into the new situation/relationship with their parent and who have to play the game because their parent loves the new person and they give them no choice.
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I think it’s a lot different when young children are involved. It becomes a lot harder to seperate life as a mother/father with your life with a new partner. But I get your point re adult children! At some point everyone just needs to get on with their own lives!
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I know people who have made it work really well, keeping their children completely removed from the new partner. Admittedly they did have a lot of support with babysitters etc so it was easy to have a night out without the children, but if the priority is to keep the children unaware of a new partner it is possible if it is a priority.
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I agree. It’s hard enough for adults sometimes, so I can’t imagine how kids handle it.
My Dad died 16 years ago and, about 5 years later, Mum married an old friend of both of theirs. (That doesn’t feel weird; it’s nice for us to be able to talk about Dad and have stepdad join in.) There are plenty of things I dislike about him – he’s a racist and everything-else-ist – and, as an adult I can shrug and say “but he adores Mum to bits and that makes up for a lot” then go home but as a child or teenager living with them it would be much harder to come to terms with.
And they don’t expect us to play happy families – I’ve never met his children (one is not on speaking terms and the other is overseas) and, when I came out to Mum as bisexual, she said “he doesn’t need to know as he’s not your father, and it’s none of his business anyway”.
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I agree with a LOT of the comments here… so many strike an emotional chord from all sorts of angles. Personally I am saddened by people who don’t know how to be on their own or don’t want to and repartner very quickly… there is no exact science but how long should it be?.. I say take baby steps. Find yourself. Truly understand yourself and what happened. Heal and grow. Then open yourself to something but take it slow and gradually.
My marriage ended after 17 years together – it was a long time coming and sad. Very sad. And bad timing. My daughter was just starting school so about to go through a LOT of change.
My ex wanted to repartner straight away. Emotionally it hurt me, but I was more concerned about our daughter. In my mind introductions to new ‘friends’ needed to be limited, especially until it was something more substantial. Since then he has had 2 long term relationships and a long series of female ‘friends’ introduced to our daughter. Despite her age she knew exactly what was going on.
By voicing my opinion that the ‘friends’ be kept away from her when he had access, until it was a committed long-term relationship, I was accused of being manipulative. We went to a counsellor (independant, impartial, educated voice of reason) to establish what the boundaries should be for the sake of the child and her development – NO contact until it is committed rather than casual, (her advice 3 – 6 months NO contact with the child) the parent to continue to FULLY engage with the child one-on-one, SLOWLY establish some time together with the new partner (6+ months) and then becoming more integrated if the relationship progressed and survived the honeymoom period (12+ months together).
The other parent – particularly of the opposite sex – is the single biggest influence that child will have in forming their own adult relationship patterns. My Ex found it quite sobering to understand that he was the role model for her adult relationships – and he stopped thinking with certain parts of his anatomy and used his head and tempered his behaviour.
Even so she ‘thinks’ as a 10 year old that marriages don’t last and men get to middle age and trade in for younger versions… her words DEFINITELY not mine. She also says how much she ONLY wants to get married once. Breaks my heart. Monkey see, monkey do.
I get lonely, I have dated on and off. I don’t think the best years are behind me (yet)
but have made my daughter the focus. IF I go on a date it is always when she is with her Dad. No-one has come home yet to meet her. That’s my choice. And I won’t live to regret it particularly as she has grown older and I see how the split has affected her longer term. And it has given me the space to recover and heal and hopefully grow enough to make different (and hopefully better) choices and when a GOOD man comes along, I will take it slow, hope that it is a right fit for everyone
I am also a big believer that the first real relationship that someone has after a split is what I call my MOJO boy or girl… the person who helps you get your groove back, the one you are willing to be more vulnerable with but (and it IS a generalisation I know) that relationship usually doesn’t last. So why fully integrate your kids in to that dynamic to potentially have their hearts broken again.
If I happen to fall in love again I have yet to navigate these tricky waters but I would hope that I would not feel ‘desperate’ for them to like one another. I am prepared (as best I can) to have my heart broken by a failed attempt, but not my daughter, but like the writer it would be nice to sink in to my long term aim as I move forward.. ‘A New Kinda Normal’..
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I can COMPLETELY understand Kim’s use of the word ‘desperate’ about wanting her kids to bond with her new partner.
What mother doesn’t want the people she loves to be happy and to like each other?
Beautiful post, Kim.
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I guess Kim feeling ‘desperate’ resonated in a different way for me –
that plus other language she used in this post (see Xena’s post above) and also that Kim is a writer – I guess I sensed that she didn’t feel as comfortable about what is happening either consciously or unconsciously. Just an observation.
She is very brave to put it out there and huge Kudos
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Beautiful comment, Amanda. I have zero experience in terms of children of my own .. however I am that dreaded creature known as the “new girlfriend”. Now stepmum, I guess, after having now been around for a couple of years.
I admire your commitment to looking out for your daughter .. but am also glad to hear that you’re not putting your own “adventures” off altogether. At the end of the day, I’m sure kids would ultimately like to see their parents happy .. and if they can then get to see a good relationship, that’s gotta be good for them too.
I think Over the rainbow is right in that a woman would naturally want her kids to get on with her new man (and vice versa), if she sees him as potentially a long-term partner. “Desperate” might just be the wrong choice of word .. especially for those of us where truly desperate deeds (be it ours or others) have had previous impact .. and we naturally react strongly to anything with that label.
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You are both right.. – I just understood desperate a little differently. I see these threads, posts and replies as an interesting melting pot where we are all invited to share our thoughts and ideas.. take them or leave them, but if we participate we should be prepared to listen to an alternate point of view that might differ greatly from our own. Hopefully if we are open enough we may just find out something about ourselves or a new idea or outlook in the process.
I too would truly want to be accepted by a new partner’s children and extended network of family and friends. It’s tricky territory and the time deemed appropriate to move on is indeed different in every dynamic.
I think at my age it would be highly possible a new partner would have children – in fact I hope to find someone with children, not to be a mother to them, but I have had first hand experience at what a postive influence a step-parent and extended family dynamic can be. Both my step-parents on either side were/are fantastic role models and I love them unequivocally.
And to be what I want to bring in to my life, with time both myself and Ex after things settled down (it really takes TIME – back to my orginal post) and now that emotions are a little less raw, have worked at a civil relationship. I invite he and his current partner to celebrate with the whole family at Christmas every year and all school functions and family celebrations. It isn’t easy but we are all trying the best we can. Interesting I am never invited to their gatherings but I am expected to be completely magnanimous and be totally inclusive on my side. So far so good, but cheekily I wonder how it would rock the boat if I brought home a much younger man
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My mojo was my SONPA – sex only no public appearances! Worked a treat.
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What an amazing mother you are! your daughter is very fortunate to have you and that will make a huge positive impact on her life.
I would hate to have a child and know that my ex’s girlfriends were spending time with them, I would find it impossibly difficult.
I really congratulate you on your attitude and actions.
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I wish my parents had divorced, their dysfunctional relationship was a nightmare to live with.
Regarding the kids – yes, you have to protect them as much as you can, but I REALLY don’t think we need to be such martyrs and sacrifice our whole lives for them…
life is tough, life has ups and downs – I personally don’t think kids should be mollycoddled too much that you make your whole life revolve around them.
As for all those who say something is too soon – life is short, I don’t think there is such a thing as too soon! Too soon for what? Propriety? Decorum? pffftt – who cares?
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Growing up my best friend’s parents never spoke a word to each other. For more than 30 years. Even when he was dying of cancer not a word was exchanged. They communicated throughtheir children. He died and she moved on. How’s my friend going? Still single at 40 and bitter they never got divorced. Her parents stayed together ‘for the kids’. But the kids have never been able to sustain a relationship. That sort of dysfunction is hard to overcome.
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I remember the heartbreaking moment my father sat us down and told us:
“I don’t like your mum anymore, I love Robyn”.
Divorce sucks. We never really forgave him, we just accept that he made a huge mistake by having an affair and leaving our little family, but we NEVER speak to her (at least they’re still together and he didn’t leave mum for a fling).
We’re all in our 20s now, childish? Perhaps, but she lied to our faces so many times as children she will never factor in our lives.
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how terrible for you to be told that – he didn’t love your mother. Unbelievably painful. Obviously he had major issues or else he would never have said such a thing. To say that to a child is quite shocking and I hope that you’ve been able to realise his limitations and forgive him – only for your sake of course. I’m very very sorry that that was said to you. x
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I’ve just witnessed my own children have to adapt to this new circumstance with my ex-husband and his vulture of a girlfriend. They were together within weeks of our split, and my children were devastated. A few years later, they are still mortified at the circumstances their dad put them in.
We can be so self-absorbed that we can’t see it from their point of view. Sadly even if we’ve been that kid ourselves (which I have). Their family explodes. Dad and Mum go to different corners, kids are bandied back and forth like tennis balls, and THEN enter the new partners. People who have no emotional equity in that child. That person that we see as the ‘new person to love’ can, for the children, actually represent less time, energy and affection for the kids. This person suddenly influences decisions in their pasted-back-together family life and their world is thrown into emotional chaos again. And again and again in some instances.
One thing I had to discover post my own divorce was that I came out of it broken. We all did. I made a conscious decision to concentrate on healing, and helping my children to heal, first. I didn’t want the man that would want me at that point, because invariably I’d have ended up with someone as broken as I was. We deserved better. My kids deserved time to stablise, get their bearings, create their own routines and rituals within this new framework. I deserved time to examine my part in the relationship breakdown and start to feel worthwhile again. Embarking on a new relationship, no matter how fantastic the man, was only going to make all of that harder. Which is exactly what has happened with my ex. That ‘moving on’ he was so excited about, was essentially a pause button. I’m the one that has truly moved on
I say this, not with condemnation, because being a single woman is tricky and fraught with heartache, but as the child that witnessed it and the mother that has witnessed her children having to deal with it. If I had a magic wand that’s the one thing I would fix. I would make it so that my kids and I had experienced something other than a parent who put their love-life as a top priority in their lives. It’s not easy for those taken along for the ride.
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halliday, I wish you and your children well. You sound so very wise!
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I SSOOOOOO hear you – my sentiments exactly
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This story is beautiful.
I am a divorced mum with 2 wonderful kids, and still have a fantastic relationship with their dad, his fiance and their two beautiful girls. I am also a step parent to 2 great kids with whom i also have a really positive and close relationship. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for the relationship my children have with my partner. He is cold and confrontational with them and it breaks my heart every day that they do not receive some warmth or affection from him, after 3 years. In the end i know it will mean the end of our relationship – not only for what he is doing to my children – but also because that sort of person is not what i want for myself.
I say fantastic – your man and your children have embraced each other in their own time and space and this is a gift.
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Shelley ….. don’t make me say it, honey xoxo
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Are you kidding me? Why exactly are you with him if he is not treating your children well? You are the one person in your childrens lives who they can depend on to look after them and protect them, and you continue to have this man in your life. What are you thinking? My blood is boiling right now…
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Scarlettfever, I agree. Shelley – your children will grow up with issues because of this. This whole situation will affect your relationship with them because they will see that you chose your partner over them. Not only that, but they will be hurt by the fact that both parents in the home love your partner’s kids and only you love them. I bet that they don’t feel a part of your home and I bet they will grow up with a great deal of resentment for you. Frankly I’m appalled that your relationship with this man has gone on as long as it has despite the way he treats your children.
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I’m adult proof of what you’re saying. My parents separated when I was 5 and then we moved in with her new partner when I was 7. They are still together. He has never cuddled me, not even once. He was very strict with no love, but thought that by financially supporting us, it was enough. I have had trouble with relationships all my adult life, choosing men who were cold or abusive, trying to make them love me. During a hypnotherapy session several years ago I was surprised to blurt out “Mum, why did you leave me? Why did you choose him over me?” I have had a challenging life, but this has been one of the biggest struggles for me. My Dad was never around and my stepdad was completely indifferent toward me. I would have been better off if she was a single Mum- we would have had no money but perhaps I would have felt more loved.
Now I have a daughter of my own… if they don’t love her as much as they do me… then that’s the end of it.
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Ok, boiled blood has now cooled…. and I am now so sad for your children Shelley. Please put your children first. After 3 years if this man is still cold towards your children and cannot love and adore them then he does not deserve to be in your lives.
Me thinks you and your children deserve better.
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Sorry but I don’t understand why she even introduced her children to this man, let alone spent the past three years with him.
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I’m trying hard to not be judgmental.. but why on earth would you stay with him?!!!! Why would you put your children through that?
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What a beautiful story, and i can understand that you desperately want them to like each other.
Rachel – I know you are expecting criticism on your views but as a recently separated mum myself I firmly believe 2 happy parents living apart are better for the children than 2 parents continuing to live together in a destructive relationship. Not healthy for anyone in any way and has the potential to be as devastating if not more so than splitting and getting on with leading a happy and healthy life.
Not too many people take the decision to seperate lightly, particularly if children are involved. Perhaps resources could be directed to help single parents learn to deal with each other, learn good parenting techniques and get over their hurt, anger and bitterness for the benefit of the children.
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It must just be me. I can’t understand how people move so quickly through the stages of emotional healing – be it divorce or death. And expect their children to keep up.
A year seems like such a short time to me but I’m always reading how a man is remarrying a year after his wife died or a woman is in a live-in relationship within months of a divorce.
Not judging, Kim, seriously – it’s just that I’ve been so busy making sure that my teenagers are on track for the last couple of years that I’d be too frightened to take my eyes off the ball to even go on a date. To say nothing of upsetting the applecart by introducing another man into the family!
Good luck to you and I hope you are all happy.
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I’ve never understood it either. When Rove and Glenn McGrath moved on so quickly after the passing of their wives, I didn’t get it.
It’s been 8 years since my Mum died and my Dad hasn’t even so much as thought about dating. When I spoke to him about it once, asking how some could move on so quickly, he said something that stuck with me, he said that it doesn’t mean these people didn’t love their spouse, they did and mostly still do, it’s just many people struggle to be alone.
Does that give you a different perspective?
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I was only talking about this with my mother the other day, and we came to the conclusion that until you walk a mile in their shoes, with their pain, their suffering and their sadness… how could we have a clue what they are thinking and feeling.
We really need to stop judging people and let it be. We have to trust that most people do make good decisions regarding their children.
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I wasn’t meaning to judge, just saying that it took my ages to understand how some could move on so quickly, but really, people should do what’s best for them. Just merely offering a different perspective
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I think what your dad said was thoughtful, wise and makes a lot of sense.
I also don’t think you came across as judgemental at all x
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I don’t think she was judgmental at all either. I am always amazed at how quickly men move on. It seems the men move on very quickly.
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I think when it comes to men like Rove and Glen, we have to remember that their wives were sick for a very, very long time.
I have a family member who could be seen similar to them, and he and his wife had discussed many times about him meeting someone. He said he never would, and she said she wanted him, he’d done so much for her throughout her fight and wanted him to be happy.
I think as well, when you go through something like losing a partner, you would crave that partnership.
I don’t know, I try not to judge because I have no idea what I’d do in that situation. I say I wouldn’t re-marry but who knows?
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Excellent comment, Melissa, and I think the same is true in every aspect of life.
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I read a psych discussing this issue re Rove, who said that it’s generally easier to move on after a death than a divorce because your emotions aren’t complicated by coming to terms with a relationship’s ‘failure’.
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Never thought of it that way, that’s fair enough. I wasn’t meaning to judge and hope you didn’t find my comment judgemental.
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What right do we ever have to judge how quickly or slowly people move on? Were we Glen McGrath, sitting by Jane’s bed as illness stole more of her, year after year. Were we Rove? Or are we Kim whose marriage may have been unravelling for years. Or not. Whatever, it’s not our business.
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Sorry but I have to say that I think the same thing about men moving on so quickly. That does not mean I’m being judgmental and Monique wasn’t either. I just find it strange that they move on so quickly.
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Hers was a very long illness and he would have probably grieved through that last year of her life when he realised she wasn’t going to get better. It also takes away any possibility of reconciliation, and the often lengthy process of splitting up (which often involves court and solicitors where kids/ property are concerned) which is one of the painful things about separation that tends to make it take longer to move on. But everyone is different. My friend lost her Dad when he was quite young, her Mum has never dated again, and doesn’t want to.
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I agree, when someone dies from a long terminal illness the grieving begins many years before and continues during the journey of the illness. Unlike a unexpected death that beings suddenly and the person often struggles for years with the shock.
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My husband’s stepfather remarried within 2 years of his wife’s death. They used to go dancing every weekend and he once made a comment that now he goes and does line dancing “because you don’t need a partner for that”. Broke my heart.
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I moved on quickly from my ex husband, but to be honest, our marriage was dead years before I left.
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Totally agree. It’s taken me 1.5 years since my relationship breakdown (not even marriage) to start to feel human again. I was in so much pain I physically hurt. And I was totally numb.
I’ve never experienced such numbness before. Actually that bit was kinda good, as it didn’t matter what happened nothing affected me. It was so excruciating.
Now…I’m so much better and realise that he “the one” was wrong for me and treated me very badly but it’s taken all this time.
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This is indeed a heart warming story, and I’m happy for you.
I still believe, however, that family breakdown is devestating to children (including adult children) and I think socially and personally we need to work on keeping families together. Just because it is now commonplace doesn’t mean it’s a positive thing. I’m speaking from the point of view as a professional researcher in this area, but I expect the criticism to flood in nonetheless.
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Rachel an unhappy marriage can be just as damaging. My father’s parents should have divorced, instead my father and his sisters grew up in a house of quiet hostility. I’m not talking out and out fights, or domestic violence or anything like that, just two people who grew apart till the point where they couldn’t stand each other and my grandmother used to leave for long periods of time. The effect on the three of them was profound and not good.
I agree that many people seem to take divorce as an easy way out, but in some cases it is the far better option for everyone, kids included.
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My parents stayed together ‘for the sake of the kids’. At first my father believed that was what I should do. As things unfolded and he saw my ex for what he really was, he quickly changed his tune and was urging me to expedite the separation.
Anyway my parents were very unhappy together and quite frankly living with them was very difficult and sad sometimes and I think it did cause me some emotional and psychological harm. My situation was similar to Anonymous’s story. There was so much ‘quiet’ tension in the house and then my father’s explosive outbursts. I could never do anything right and I was always fearful and withdrawn as a child, tendancies that have continued into adulthood. Maybe we all would have been happier if they split when we were young.
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And yet, I, as the child of divorce, can tell you the same thing. Damaged, broken and hence made critical mistakes in my own marriage as a direct result. There is no ‘better’ scenario. The only best scenario is to make that marriage work. There are actually three options, not just two.
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Halliday: If only there was a magic wand to ‘make a marriage work’. But I ask you, how do you work with the unworkable??? It’s like trying to do pottery with dry cracked clay. How do you stop his drinking binges? How do you explain to the children that him going to the pub on Christmas Eve is more important than being home with us getting ready for Santa? Then on Christmas morning he is comatose on the lounge with a hangover? How you explain his leisure time being more important than spending time as a family? Smoking pot at home? Borderline alcoholic? Emotional abuse? Your comment about “making the marriage work” being the best option is quite upsetting to me. When it is not salvagable then there is no other option. I make no apologies to anybody for getting out of the relationship.
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Ladybug this is an honest question – did all this behaviour start long after you got married and had kids? If not I ask with all respect why you continued with the marriage and having children with a man who was abusive and an alchoholic. I can certainly see why the relationship couldnt continue, but I took Hallidays comment as more related to the start of a relationship.
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God on for getting out.
I have a theory – behavior that’s acceptable in your 20s – party time, alcohol drugs etc becomes unacceptable in your 30s and beyond.
If one partner doesn’t evolve then that’s when the chinks in the china form…
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The separation and we assume divorce in this piece has already taken place. That being a given, your point in making this observation in the context of this story is… what, exactly?
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I took Rachel’s comment “keeping familes together” more as the focus on trying to work through inevitable problems and hard times that do and will come up, rather than that creating a tense and unhappy home for all in the family. I don’t mean to suggest that all problems can be resolved, as in abuse and violence etc. But we all change and grow and communication once children arrive can become rare and our needs can change. Quite a few people in my life got separated without seeking counseling or help and the unhappiness brewed up…and then they split! I did wonder if they had been helped out, would they have been able to stay together and get back to their former happiness as a couple?
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Yessss! Thank you Pinky! Certainly not referring to marriages where abuse/violence exist.
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You know, I wasn’t going to comment at all about this topic until I read the comment below by Sally and I feel compelled to respond.
I separated from my husband in 2003, divorced a year later. My children were 10 and 9. My husband introduced the children to his new girlfriend six months later and broke my children’s hearts all over again. I dealt with the pain his behaviour caused them and vowed I would never introduce them to a partner until they were ready.
It was four years before I introduced them to a partner and it was a horrible time for us all. No-one felt comfortable. The partnership ended a few months later (a decision that had nothing to do with my kids) to the intense relief of everyone involved.
I’ve not had a partner since. I told myself I would not parade a series of boyfriends through the house and I stuck to that but now I’m ten years older, my kids have left home and guess what? I’m on the shelf of middle-aged invisibility. The best years of my life are behind me Sally and it makes me as mad as hell.
Sally, my long-winded point in all this is you can’t help bad timing. The heart wants what the heart wants. I have huge regrets about one particular man I met in that first separated year, someone who was sidelined despite our obvious attraction to each other, precisely because I worried about the timing of it. I worried about what other people would think, despite having no intention of introducing him to my children at any time in the future. I just wanted to try love again, be an adult, keep my life compartmentalised until the time was right. Instead I told him it was bad timing. I have so much regret about that decision it sometimes borders on obsession.
If someone is lucky enough to find a good man who accepts a woman as a package deal and who honours the fact that she’s a mum first and often her children will come first, who here has the right to judge her for being selfish?
So – I put my kid’s needs first and I lost the bet and I’m crying as I write this. I feel hopelessly sidelined by the ultimate sacrifice a single mother could make. It’s kept everyone happy but me.
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It’s never too late for love. Please don’t give up x
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‘best years are behind me’
‘on the shelf of middle aged invisibility’
Pfft – who said? Middle aged women are sexy as…..look at Madonna. Yes, I know she has money, possibly surgery, personal trainers bla bla etc. but she totally owns being 53. There are also other middle aged women running marathons, corporations, doing charity work, hiking the Himalayas, taking off to Provence, going back to university…..don’t think you’re nothing because you have no man! That’s bollocks!
And what about ‘best years’? When are they? I feel as though mine are right now – and I’m turning 50 in April.
You poor thing, I wish I could give you a hug. You are in no way on the shelf. Don’t look back. You did what you felt was right at the time – what was best for your children. What a selfless act. You are an amazing mum. And I bet you’re totally gorgeous too. Please don’t give up.
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beautifully written LPC.
Despite what is written in the comments below I believe that children want their parents to find love, to find companionship and to have romance in their lives. Yes, even young children are insightful enough to know the value of a partnership in their parent’s lives in my opinion.
As long as the introduction of a new love is done in a sensitive and respectful manner (and from the author’s story I concluded that she considered her children’s feelings 100% of the time) I can’t see what the problem is and it is a shame that others felt the need to derail a woman who is trying to do it the right way.
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I hear you La Petit but there isn’t one thing I’d change. It’s a sacrifice I was aware of at the time and one I stand by.
My happiness is intrinsically linked to the happiness and well being of my children.
If things aren’t right with them then it wouldn’t matter if I was sailing the Mediterranean with Colin Firth!
Maybe things would have worked out OK but it was a risk I wasn’t prepared to take.
Get on RSVP, honey. There are good men around if you want one.
I want to give you a hug, I really do xoxoxoxoxoxo
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You put your kids needs first, and thats what makes you a wonderful mother. And that will make you an even more wonderful partner to the right person. A decent man wouldnt be with a woman who didnt put her kids first. I know a few mothers who have put their love lives first and it has screwed up their kids big time. Get out there now and meet some nice men who appreciate a woman who has done the right thing, raised her children well and put their wellbeing ahead of her own.
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And you only get one chance to raise your kids, but there are plenty of fish in the sea waiting for you, when your kids have been raised!
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…………………….”My husband introduced the children to his new girlfriend six months later and broke my children’s hearts all over again. I dealt with the pain his behaviour caused them and vowed I would never introduce them to a partner until they were ready”
You wrote this to counter what Sally wrote below and yet you echoed exactly what she was saying. Ironic really..
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I didn’t echo what Sally was saying, I was extrapolating it, taking it through to it’s natural conclusion – I wanted to explain the long-term consequences of choosing to take the high moral ground for the sake of the welfare of everyone around me.
Everyone is happy Paul, except me.
You know, like most people’s stories, there are far greater complexities than meets the eye, and we can’t know everything. My age is a huge complicating factor. I don’t say it lightly and it’s probably not something that younger people would like to acknowledge, but for me in my dating life, it’s a brutal truth.
Single men my age now look past me and linger on the 30-something women standing near by, who in turn, ignore the 30-something men standing near THEM and turn their attention to the older man. That leaves me in the invidious position of taking a younger lover, or opting for an older man – in his 60s, often – who is simply looking for someone to look after them. Neither option suits.
Look, I’m having a very sooky day this aftenoon, but this topic has touched a very raw and painful nerve for me. I haven’t sat around bemoaning my fate, and readers know me well enough to know that other parts of my life have been successful. I’m not saying never, ever, but I AM more circumspect. I don’t allow myself to get too hopeful. I just don’t.
Which is why I’m all in favour of seizing the moment, WHENEVER it happens.
I’m sufficiently confident that most women – especially women – take very great care to include their children’s needs into their dating arrangements. It’s not for nothing that I used to look forward to having every second weekend to myself.
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Thank you for such a thoughtful and moving post about something so painful. x
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But had you repartnered you may not have found yourself out of work and struggling to feed your children in limited funds and then you wouldn’t now be a published cook book author!!!!
Just playing devil’s advocate. x
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I think you did the absolute right thing and commend you on it.
It’s really just a state of mind – you “think” the best years of your life are behind you but they are not. If you think they are then they will be. Please don’t think that. You deserve real happiness now.
Decide that the best days of your life are now ahead of you. If you work at that and truly believe it then that’s what will be. Sorry but I’ve been reading Brian Tracey and he goes into this and it’s fantastic!
See I feel like you, after losing my home, my business everything due to being involved w a sociopath. Then falling in love and losing my baby and then coming close to killing myself and my partner leaving me shortly after. I really feel like everything is now past me.
I was gorgeous a few years ago and had heaps of men after me. After everything i’ve been through I look terrible and feel past it. Hence I’m working on this to turn it around and damn it the best years of my life are in front of me – I am going to make it so.
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I love this story.
I have step-parents on both sides – one has ended up being the happy ever after story with my Mum & Step-Dad recently walking me down the aisle together at my wedding. My Step-Dad’s sister (my step-aunt is only 10 years older than me) and is the sister that I never had and her husband is another big brother. I am closer to my step-family on this side than I am to both sides of my “real” family.
But on the other side – my Step-Mother was fine until I became a teenager and then the jealousy kicked in. Due to my Father’s weak character in standing up for me with her, I have now not seen them in over 8 years – sad, but thankfully my step-father’s family makes up for it.
There are lots of tales to tell from broken families and they may not all end well, but the point that you have more people to love (and who love you) is the main point of my story. I am so grateful for my step-family everyday.
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I don’t really have the words to describe how sad I am that this happened to you and how angry I am with your father. What is it with some people? You fight for your children — and if your new partner doesn’t want you to see your kids, then you tell them to go jump.
I hope your Dad comes to his senses — but very glad your Mum picked a great step-Dad for you.
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Thanks Free, I am pretty much at peace with it all, but like you, think it is sad. I am very lucky to have my step-dad, I just wish I had started appreciating him sooner.
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Side note – Kim and I were at the same 50th birthday party two Saturday nights ago! Small world!
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Lovely story. I know how you feel. My ex left my son and I when my son was 1-year-old, never to be seen again (which is fine by me, it was a bad relationship). However it was heartbreaking when my son would ask “why doesn’t my dad want to see me?” of which I always vehemently told him it was NOT his fault.
Then he asked for a dad for fathers day when he was abot 5 and that also broke my heart, although it was very cute. Now I have a beautiful husband who is also a fair bit younger than me but the two of them have embraced each other completely. I don’t even use the word “step” because my husband is his dad as far as i’m concerned. My oldest son is now 11 and me and my husband fulfilled his other wish of a little brother who is 8 months old. Your right, the horizons opened up for my son and for all of us
Thanks for telling us your story
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This IS a great piece Kim and I’m happy for your story. Your words ‘as a child of a broken home myself, I was determined to keep my family together. The ideal proved too much for me to maintain, however’ struck me as my parents split when I was not yet two and I’ve always thought I’d never do the same. But as you indicate, sometimes truly wanting something does not mean you can stop the opposite.
Contrary to some comments believing that introducing young children to a new partner before it’s ‘forever’ could be damaging for them, one of the most wonderful things in my childhood was forming a relationship with my mother’s new partner, a partner she was involved with for a few years but ultimately did not end up with. Even though their relationship was not great and he didn’t treat my mum particularly well, the most magical thing was that he continued his relationship with my sister and i even after he and my mother split and always treated us like princesses. I would laugh as a child when people would address him as my dad, he wasn’t my dad or my stepdad or my uncle, but the fun times we spent together (boogie boarding, playing video games, going out for meals my mum couldn’t have afforded) are memories I treasure to this day.
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Your first marriage only ended a year ago, your new partner is significantly younger than you and children are not on his radar and yet you are pushing both him and your kids into forming attachments and relationships so you feel happy and better about yourself.
Why are you not seeing this guy when your kids are with their dad?
You should not expose young kids to other partners unless you are fairly confident that this is long term.
at the most your relationship is under a year old and your kids need stability not a new man introduced to them when they are grieving the life they lost.
I will probably get lots of negative comments over this but I don’t care.
I work with children from broken homes and I see the results of parents pushing new relationships onto kids all the time.
Your kids are your first responsibility and you should have kept this relationship from them until further down the track.
This is NOT a story that should be celebrated MM.
there are much better stories that illustrate the sentiment you are after, how about you find one of those?
Very disappointed in this site.
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I have to admit Sally that this was my first thought as well
It made me feel sick for the kids actually.
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Rest assured that my children are fine, Sally. Your concern is touching but I am much more deeply invested in their lives and happiness than you can ever be.
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Sorry but it really does not read that way at all. Quite the opposite.
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i’d believe her over you. given she actually knows their names etc.
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Agree! Statistically children are highly likely to get abused by the mother’s partner in these situations and if not something that huge they will at least develop problems if the new partner suddenly leaves. Why place children at harm like this?
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Would you say that to a friend over the dinner table? “Your kids are at risk of being sexually abused because you have a new partner?” It’s a disgusting assumption and your stats are wrong. Absolutely foul comment to make about anyone’s relationship.
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Statistics don’t tell the full story. My husband is a wonderful father to our 2.5 year old son and 5.6 year old daughter… And my daughters birth father who is all talk about how much he loves her, was sexually assaulting her on contact visits.. And his mother who knew about it did nothing to protect her and stop him, not even telling me. That was left for my daughter to gather her courage and tell me, in the face of his threats to harm her and us… And who does she feel most protected by? Me -and my husband- the father who really knows what the word means. Don’t believe statistics should rule. They are a guide only.
Our child loves my husbands older kids from an earlier marriage too, as they love her, and his former wife and I have deep respect and love for each other,. We share all family occasions together and the kids never have to chose who to spend time with, or suffer feeling tension between us, because there is none. This may be helped by the fact I was no part in any way jn their separation, nor he in mine, but it works. Our children are aware they are well loved by us and our extended families, and my husbands older children and previous wife have gained the extended family they lost in immigrating to this land. All this would not be, had I stayed the single mother I became after the sad and painful relationship I was on ended, and my daughter would not have the richness of siblings she loves and who love her. I do agree that children ought not be exposed to a menagerie of new partners on either side, but it’s very personal as to when is the right time.. I say be aware of your children’s needs and be willing to let them set the pace, if not the agenda.
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Yes there is substantial research which shows that step parents, male and female, do not have the same emotional feelings toward step children.
This is not at all pointed at this post and responses, but we have to be very aware that pedophiles typically chase after single women. That is a fact.
And we hear about cases again and again of women whose boyfriends, and men that have kindly offered to babysit, have sexually abused their children. It happens all the time.
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I’m very disappointed in such a judgemental comment. Gross. You don’t know anything about this situation – back off.
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I agree, I don’t think it’s appropriate to make backhanded comments with no real idea of what you are saying. Every family is different, and it is up to the parents to decide when to introduce new people into a kids life- regardless if you do or don’t agree to it. But the comment re abuse is just wrong – where are you pulling stats from?
On another note, hi Laura. Nice to see someone with the same name! Will have to change mine to avoid confusion when I figure out a nickname lol
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Very aggressive Laura, Sally nor the others were aggressive like this, not necessary.
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Sally
Please watch your tone. You are making a number of judgements and assumptions about the author without knowing her or all the details (including when exactly her marriage ended). We have had this post in the back end for several months. Please be more respectful. General comments are fine. Personal attacks/barbs are not.
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Umm Bec, I tend to agree with Sally and for what it’s worth I found the way she worded her response to be fine.
Not sure why you have a problem with her tone.
Also the author tells us that her marriage only ended a year ago, even if this has been sitting in your backed for a while, the facts are still the same for the timeframe she wrote it. She put her story up here, surely you are not suprised some people would think she has introduced her children to a new partner way too soon.
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so just out of curiousity, what is a more acceptable time frame for those passing judgement?
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i know, right? a year is a loooooooooooooong time!!!! perhaps some of the judgy mcjudgersons here have time travelled in from the 19th century.
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yes Jane!!
So just remember ladies. If you’ve left a dead end marriage and a charming man who is interested in you comes along a year later you’ll have to explain that he needs to wait ANOTHER 12 months and ask you out again then because you’ve promised to push you own needs and feelings aside for two years.
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Totally love “judgy mcjudgersons” – I’m going to use it
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Agree with this, in fact I found Laura’s replies to be quite aggressive and rude
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The author did specifically say that her marriage ended “just over a year ago” Bec. So that is definately not an assumption.
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I think there is some merit to Sally’s response Bec, which warrant discussion. I agree that personal barbs should be kept out of this.
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Well said Mop
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Whoa, everyone back up a bit and actually read what I wrote.
I did not say she did not deserve to be happy
I did not say she should have stayed in a bad marriage
I did not say that she should not be with her new partner
I did not say he was going to molest her kids
I did not say she moved on too quickly
Her marriage ended a year ago, in Australia you can’t even get a divorce until a year and a day after separation. Lets say she met him a month after her seperation, that means they have been together for 11 months at the most.She has a week at a time where her kids are at their dads. Her new partner is younger and was not even thinking about having kids.
I questioned why she did not pursue the relationship during the time the kids were at their dads. why the rush to get them all together?
I work with kids in this situation and I can tell you from experience that divorce and separation is hard enought on kids without tossing new partners into the mix in the beginning. Even another commentator above who is speaking out against me and says how she gave up happiness for her kids, says in her first line that her kids were hurt by her ex doing this exact same thing.
Yes parents have the right to be happy and find new partners, but kids have the right to have their parents focus on them during the first year or so, so that they feel safe even thought their world has crashed around them.
I still stand by my first comment and I do not believe that I was rude in expressing it.
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Whilst I genuinely wish Kim well, I do agree with Sally about getting together with the boyfriend during the time the kids are with their dad, especially as Kim’s arrangements appear to be 50/50 shared care.
I
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Bec,
I am really disapointed in your comment.
There is nothing in Sallys post that is rude and her tone is not offensive. You have also made your own error with your assertions about the writters timeline.
I hope tht this is just a case of being tired from having a newborn. I would hate to see the mm moderators try and stiffle opinions, especially when people express them according to the dinner party rules.
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“I hope tht this is just a case of being tired from having a newborn.”
Wow. Just. Wow. Your patronising sneery attitude is gobsmacking.
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That is such an over exageration, he’s not being sneery.
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Paul
Let me clarify. Just because someone says their marriage officially ended a year ago — doesn’t tell us that much. Maybe they have been separated for years. Maybe they have been living apart. Or in different cities. Maybe things have been like flatmates for four years. I don’t know. THAT’S the point.
I felt that Sally’s comment was too personal and made far too many assumptions. Sometimes we forget that the authors of these posts are real people, reading the comments here. And people post comments they would never dare say to someone’s face.
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Well said Paul. I was also surprised but I guess that each of us have such different life experiences and as a result do have very different opinions
At the end of the day the biggest concern always is, or should be, the children. They have to take first priority no matter what.
There are far too many damaged children which could have been spared and should have been spared.
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Bec and others – I don’t agree and/or I am misunderstanding. Sally was not being harsh or mean. She was making the points:
- You should not expose young kids to other partners unless you are fairly confident that this is long term.
-Your kids are your first responsibility and you should have kept this relationship from them until further down the track.
This is absolutely correct. That’s not saying that Kim has done the wrong thing or her partner is dubious. It is stating the facts of what so often, too often, can and does occur in these situations.
I have to say I was surprised at the comments on how Kims story was “beautiful”, I think it was rather sad.
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So judgmental, so quick to jump to conclusions. Most marriages don’t just end abruptly, couples can drag out the agony of not loving each other for years and years before they final come to accept that their marriage died way before it become ‘final’. So what might seem as a quick time frame to you, could have been absolute years of loneliness, discontentment and sadness.
Maybe if you have walked a few years in those shoes, you might realise that not many mothers bounce into new relationships without having suffered in silence for a long time prior, for the ‘good of their families’. Did you not read one of the earlier postings about the poor lady who sacrificed her own personal happiness for her children, and now they have long gone and she feels alone and no happier than a decade before.
Women are the worst critics of each other. So sad. Does anybody judge the father as harshly if he re-partners? You know what is truly sad, watching a husband and wife together who no longer love each other, fight all the time and show their children just how toxic a loveless marriage can be.
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The parents may have spent years adjusting to the fact that their relationship is ending, but in most cases the kids haven’t, as they have been shielded up until the end of the relationship (and rightly so).
They deserve time to adjust as well, particularly as they have no say in the situation.
(p.s. I make this comment generally; I have no idea of the author’s situation)
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Wow. Harsh. Harsh and judge-y. Every person is different – you surely remember the old adage ‘walk a mile in their shoes’. Each and every child is different. Some cope well with relationship breakdowns and some not so well. Kim sounds mature enough to work out for her self where those boundaries are for her own children. And judging by the end result it’s worked out well for her – and I think this is a story that is well worth celebrating on MM.
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Did you, or the women above you in this thread actually read what Sally wrote?
Or do you just skim what people write and jump to your own missguided conclusions?
You have managed to miss all her points and then make up stuff that was not even in her post.
I see that she has added another comment, perhaps people like you need to learn to read.
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I read every word. Several times over in fact. You point out the points that you feel I missed and I’ll be glad to address them for you.
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I don’t find what Sally had to say (or the tone) offensive. Her opinion has a lot of merit and she doesn’t deserve to be scolded because she doesn’t agree. Yes, everyone’s circumstances are different as well as opinions
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Yes. In my research experience, people have strong expectations that children should adapt to the divorce/repartnership. People are less critical of the parents. I certainly believe there will be generational consequences
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Well said Amanda.
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Kim says her marriage ended a year ago. But we don’t know if they had been separated for years. Or if they had been living separate lives for years.
You have made way too many assumptions.
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I’ve always expected if I ended up on my own, that there wouldn’t be anyone to take me on with three kids. It seems such a big ask to embrace the whole package and kudos to your partner Kim that he is prepared to do that.
My husband’s mother was very keen for her partner and her son to get along to the point that she forced the issue a bit. the relationship between the men now is good, but it needed to be left alone to develop on its own.
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That’s nice for you and your children, Kim. I hope it lasts. Your boyfriend being younger and having no kids of his own is a plus. When two people meet who both have kids from other relationships…… it’s all not so simple.
I divorced eight years ago and have been with one partner – that lasted six years and has only just finished. He was kind to my children but never affectionate. When my older son hit his teenage years, that’s when the trouble started. My partner became jealous of my son and my son lost all respect for my partner. It was awful to be in the middle of this. They stopped speaking to each other. They could even be in the kitchen together and not a word would exchange between the two of them. My partner would complain that I ‘babied’ my son and my poor son said nothing against my partner but I knew he just couldn’t stand him.
I would try and be the peacemaker – asking partner to be mature and son to have some tolerance – it didn’t work and was just exhausting for me.
Anyway, partner is gone now and I’m single. What a relief. A happy household with just me and the two boys. No more balancing on a greasy pole around the two of them. Think I’ll give relationships a miss until they both leave home – seriously, the stress isn’t worth it.
I’ve seen friends of mine introduce their kids to a new ‘boyfriend’ every six months or so…poor kids – dad’s gone and now there’s this revolving door of blokes. I think it’s best to not introduce a new man to the kids for as long as possible – at least a year after a breakup. IMHO. Especially if they’re teenagers.
Good luck, Kim
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I agree with you Kathy. Trying to make a blended family ‘blend’ is like a minefield. Its also what ended my relationship with bloke.
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Yes Haven, the idea of a blended family is nice in theory but the reality is often a toxic sludge!
My tension headaches have all but disappeared, I’m losing weight, saving money and my older son is back to his old self. Doesn’t take a brain surgeon to work out that the bloke had to go.
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Kathy W “it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to work out the bloke had to go” but it took you six years. And from your words only it sounds as though it was not a good time.
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Oh gosh – read my post again please….
“When my son hit his teenage years things started to go wrong”
Didn’t say it was bad for the whole six years. In fact it was pretty fine really up until the last six – eight months which is when the situation I described was going on. Keeping my family happy was my number one priority. My relationship ended. He didn’t live with us so it was hardly a problem really.
I just don’t get how you came to the conclusion it was six years of terrible? Read stuff properly before you post, how about doing that?
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What a wonderful way of looking at the world. Can i call you when i am in the dumps you sound like you be the best BFF ever. I really can’t say enough nice things about this story. Love love love!!
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Aw cute! I’ll keep you in mind if the BFF position becomes available.
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What a lovely piece!
My own father is far from ideal, and my brother and I have limited contact with him (he isn’t interested and we are really just ‘doing the right thing’).
I am very lucky to have a wonderful stepfather. He only came into our lives 6 years ago, when we were both in our late 20′s, but has been the most amazing father figure, friend and male role model (particuarly for my brother).
Ideally marriages wouldn’t break down, but when they do it is wonderful to have more people to love and to love you.
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