Kasey with her dad
by KASEY DRAYTON
Some days when I see a photo of Dad, I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach and I’m winded. Then on other days I can walk by the picture, without pausing to cry.
It’s been 10 weeks since my Dad died and I’ve been on the merry-go-round of grief since that very late night phone call. It was sudden and so unexpected. He’d only just celebrated his 74th birthday. When my husband answered the phone at 1 am and walked to my side of the bed, he said gently, “It’s not good news.” Then my world broke.
There’s apparently five classic stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some days I feel I experience all 5 stages at once and other days I feel I am still stuck at stage one. I go to ring Dad and realise as the phone is ringing but he’s not going to pick up. I go to tell him something funny and realise he’s not going to laugh. Ever. Again.
Some friends have avoided me because they don’t know what to say or how to handle my grief. I get that and don’t judge them for it. Those friends who’ve experienced death and loss have been wonderful, offering a shoulder to cry on, bringing over nourishment for me when I didn’t want to cook and just being there for me by simply saying “I have no idea what to say to comfort you but I’m here now so let’s have that cuppa…”
Dad asked me years ago to deliver his eulogy and I don’t really know how I managed to do it but I did that for him. I am glad I was able to keep my promise even though that day is a blur.
After the funeral when people go back to their lives and the daily routine commences again is when I found it’s tough. People move on but I haven’t. I am stuck with my grief and pain but people think I’m over it.
A good friend who lost his Mum several years ago explained to me “Kase, you don’t ever get over it. You learn to live with it and deal with it and get through the day… but you don’t get over it so don’t even try.”
Kasey with her dad
I feel helpless that my mum, who is now a widow after 49 years of marriage, is interstate and I can’t be there to take care of her like I want to. All I can do is call daily and see her as much as I can with work and my family commitments. So I’ve got the guilt on top of the grief. Double whammy.
When Dad was alive I felt like I had an invisible bubble around me protecting me from harm. Funny thing was that I didn’t even acknowledge it until the day he died when I suddenly felt exposed, vulnerable and like I was 13 again.
People tell me one day I will be able to look at Dad’s photo and smile and be happy and grateful for all the years I had with him and they are probably right. Time heals all wounds… but right now I can’t get past thinking how the world has lost a bit of its sparkle and how much I’d love to have Dad here just to hear his voice… or laugh.
Rest in peace Dad…..
Kasey Drayton has worked as a freelance journalist on and off for the past 25 years and runs a media agency. She lives in Sydney with her husband and two young children.
Comments
68 Comments so far
Kasey, this is so beautifully written. I read this article when it was first published but felt too emotional to comment as it struck such a chord.
Words cannot adequately describe the pain of such a loss, especially to those who have not experienced it.
I lost my Dad 15 months ago. The intensity of the pain changes but never goes away.
I thought of you on Father’s Day.
I hope you are managing to have some ‘good’ days (hours?).
xx
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Beautiful piece of writing Kasey.I lost my grandpa 2 years ago and i still go through the emotions you talked about. People say with time it gets easier, and they are right. The pain and uneasiness does get better in time but there will always be days where all you can think about is him. After two years i feel like sometimes in still grieving and it feels silly to bring it up with anyone because its been two years.
You will always have memories and it in time kasey, it will get easier.
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This one brought me to tears.
I lost my dad 27 years ago when I was very young… and it only really hit me when I became a teenager what I had lost. The hardest part is not being able to remember his voice or to have vivid memories… All I have left to rely on are photos and family member’s stories about him.
It does become easier over time… It truly does. But there is NO set timeline for grief. Every year on his birthday and the anniversary on his death, I cry and spend some time honouring him.
For me – some of the hardest times are still ahead… he won’t meet my future husband, he won’t walk me down the aisle, he won’t meet my future children. The blessing I have is that my mum will be there to do both jobs.
My heart goes out to you Kasey, and every other MM reader who has lost a parent or loved one.
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Oh – and Fathers Day will always, ALWAYS be a hard & emotional day. I recommend having some alone time for yourself to remember and honour your dad in your own special way. x
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Oh, this is beautiful. My dad is my best friend and I fear the day I won’t be able to talk to him. Lots of love xox
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I lost my father the day of the official diagnosis of Alzheimers. It gets worse every day seeing him slowly dying and my mother struggling to cope. I help all i can, but i wish it wasn’t such a long drawn out illness. He is aware of his illness sometimes, but does not know the impact on others.
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11 weeks today
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I was the first of my peer group to lose my father, when I was 29. Now I’m over 40, more and more of us are losing our dads. I have a standard comment, when they ask ‘when does it feel better?’. Honestly, I don’t think it ever feels ‘better’, but our ability to cope withhow it feels changes.
The cloud of grief lifts…it never leaves us, but I find now rather than being a massive, black, thunderstorm of pressure over me – the one you’re feeling now – it is like a small, grey wisp, forever over my shoulder.
The grief also changes as you change. I was 29, no kids, a newlywed when he died. I got used to that ‘style’ of grief, and I dealt with it and the cloud got smaller and smaller. Then I had my children, and the cloud came back in a different way – I had to learn to grieve him as a mother to grandchildren now. Seven years on, that cloud too has shrunk to a wisp over my shoulder. It’s still there, and I suspect that it will always be there.
It’s not so much me being sad that he’s not here (which of course, I am) but it’s more about the sadness of knowing how much he is missing out on – my children would be the lights of his life, I know they would. And that’s hard.
My 90 year old grandmother lost her father when she was fifteen, and I often talked to her about it. She said that even to this day, she still mourns her father.
So it doesn’t go away, just as your memories of them doesn’t go away. But it doesn’t feel like it will crush the life from you either. One day, you just don’t feel as bad as you did before.
**i just wrote all that, then scrolled down and read gallifrey’s comments. She put it much more eloquently than I did – always there, some days worse than others).
Biggest of virtual hugs, my dear.
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Kasey, I promise you it gets better. I promise promise promise xx
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So beautifully written, Kasey. All my love x
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My daddy is 80 this year. He has been my mother as well as father since I was very very young. So the idea of him dying is of becoming an orphan. Unbearable loss of someone I see all the time. I am afraid he will die when none of us are around. I am afraid my nearly 20yo daughter, who shares the house with pa in a case of the cutest odd couple ever will find him and I wom’t be there to protect her, because thinking that is somehow easier than thinking of him dying. Odd, I know, but there it is.
I am so damn sorry for your loss Kasey.
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11 weeks this Thursday.
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Sending you a big virtual cuddle Kasey. My daddy was killed in a car accident on his way to pick my sister and I up. I was 16, she was 9 and he was 47 – only 5 years older than I am now. It’s good to share your story and know that there are people in the world who get why some days – often completely out of the blue – the world just seems off kilter to you. It may take you a moment or two to realise why, but then it hits you. As much as I’ve always missed him, since having my daughter 18 months ago my grief seems to hit me more regularly. What I would give for him to be able to give her one big cuddle! http://bumpyroadtobubba.com/2011/12/24/ill-be-home-for-christmas-if-only-in-my-dreams/
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My mum passed away over 24yrs ago when I was 12yrs old.
The grief I feel is like a candle. Some days it burns so bright and hot and is all consuming and other days you can hardly see the flame.
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It’s very moving to read your article and the posts on this page and it makes me realise I’m not alone. Even though I was 41 I felt like an orphan after my Dad, my lovely strong, protective, capable dad, died suddenly of a heart attack in Nov 2007 at the ‘young’ age of 70. On a weekend trip with our young children to visit my parents we were thrown into a whirlwind of loss and grief. Shock just doesn’t begin to describe it does it? Unreality, dumbfoundedness, griefstricken disbelief, that settles upon you and feels like it will never lift. Friends struggle to know how to speak to you or comfort you, which just isolates you more. Eventually when you’re strong enough you talk about your Dad yourself to your friends, dropping him into the conversation now and then. Not just keeping his memory alive, because that’s what old people do isn’t it? But just keeping your Dad relevant and present in your life in the only way you can, by quoting his little witty insights or his bad-temperedness even, anything that was special and unique to you about him. I don’t want to view my Dad from down the years, although I guess one day that will come, I want to keep him present and close to me, so we share stuff about him all the time, it makes it seem like he just lives in another city or country, denial still maybe…but I want him to stay a part of the family, for the children to continue to call him Grandad in our conversations and reminiscenses, honouring him and crediting him with the wonderful impact he had upon our lives. Life is never the same again without your Dad, we are forced to adjust to an unbearable truth and even after almost 5 years it hasn’t got much easier, knowing that this part of my life is the part I spend without my Dad. But all we can do is turn to those we love, comfort them and be comforted and know that one of the best things your Dad ever did with his life was produce you….and he wouldn’t want one of his greatest achievements to not go forward one day and be happy again.
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I lost my Dad when I was 22, 6 months pregnant with his first grandchild and it was a car accident. He was 3 weeks shy of turning 51. Worst day of my life. It’s been 4 years at the end of this month, and I still walk past photos and sometimes pause to cry. I know the winded feeling, and I still sometimes feel it. I still cannot believe it some days, and others I am angry as all hell. Your friend was right, it doesn’t get easier… you just learn to deal with it, you grow around, and become accustomed to, the gaping hole in your heart. Nothing will ever fill the void of having lost my Dad so young and at such a time when I needed him the most.
Much love to everyone has commented here and knows the pain of grief. xo
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I lost my dad 2 and half years ago after a very short illness. He was slightly older than your dad, and 48 years into marriage.
I still miss him so much. Something happens when your dad dies…it changes everything. You still just want to be his little girl.
Your friend is right. You don’t get over it. But one day you will smile and laugh. One day…
But for now, grieve as you need to, talk about him and your feelings and feel how close he is. My dad is still with me and what he taught me will be with me forever.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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I lost my dad suddenly and unexpectedly 12 years ago. Some days it still feels like it was only yesterday. Most days I’m able to smile and remember happy times. Those days are getting more frequent as the years pass. Kasey, allow yourself to feel the grief and don’t have any expectations for your healing time. It’s different for everyone. Take care of yourself and those around you.
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Kasey, I relate to what you’re experiencing, I lost my wonderful Dad 11 weeks ago it to was unexpected just 70 years old, he and mum just 6 months shy of their 50 th wedding anniversary. He was a most wonderful father, father in-law and Pop, joyfully Dad witnessed our eldest daughters marriage in march thus year but sadly he won’t be here for our youngest daughters marriage in August. Not only was my dad a hands on dad but a hands on Grandfather, we have great peace that he is with his Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ but we still miss him greatly. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family
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The pain from a broken heart is very real.It is physically painful.I lost my Mum & Dad within months of each other when I was in my 30′s and it felt unbearable.But it gets better,the pain lessens slowly thank goodness.If it didn’t I don’t think anyone would get through it. Please get counseling if you find yourself getting depressed or if you have trouble coping.I truly believe your Dad is there with you through this time and I’m sure he wouldn’t want
you to suffer. I send you my love.
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5 mths 12 days since my Dad passed and my heart is still breaking! Like your Dad it was unexpected. My Dad was always my hero and my superman. I see his photo and cannot believe he is no longer here. After 55 yrs my Mum is learning to live alone and that scares me too. Thank you for making me realise that I am not alone. I am crying now for your loss and also for mine. God Bless our Dads.
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It has been 2 weeks and 3 days since my amazing father died. I am not sure whether my heart is breaking more for my loss of the most generous, loving supporter I had, or whether it is breaking watching my mum suffering at losing the love of her life of 50 years. Either way, it is the hardest thing I have had to endure and I just wish the world could pause for a moment and realise what it has lost. I feel your pain Kasey.
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It has now been ten years since my dad died. I think about him often and wish he could’ve met my children, his only grandchildren (at this stage) as I know he would have been the world’s greatest grandfather, because he was the world’s greatest dad.
He died suddenly of a heart attack at 51. With short supply on hand, many of the doctors and nurses gave blood in an effort to save him. Family members were screened and I was the only suitable match, so my blood helped him struggle on for two days before it became obvious that the blood thinners he had been on for high blood pressure were counter-acting all our efforts. At least this allowed more family and my half siblings to fly home to see him and say goodbye, even though he wasn’t conscience.
Every year since, until I had children, I have taken myself along to the blood bank on his birthday, his date of death and father’s day, to repay the kindness to all the people who did the same to help him. Once this next one is born and breastfeeding is over, I will pick up the ritual again.
It is very hard. I cry every time and probably will always, even if it is in the car, hiding behind dark sunglasses. I still forget sometimes that he is gone and consider calling him, but maybe that is him reminding me that he is still with me, if only in spirit. Try to do something positive to remember him, as I am sure he would hate to see you so unhappy because of him. Be proud to have had him as a father and to have shared such love with him. Good luck.
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I think donating blood is a lovely way to honour your Dad’s memory and “repay” what was done for him. You may have stopped someone else’s family going through the loss you have experienced.
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So beautifully written Kasey, and these are just wonderful happy photos of you and your dad. You should be very proud of ourself for reading the eulogy – and no doubt your dad is also incredibly proud.
When the sharp intensity of your loss starts to soften I wish you many happy memories of times with your father.
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I’m so sorry for your loss.
I unfortunately understand the ache you feel right now.
i lost my dad in 2010
reading what you wrote made me cry for not only my loss but the sadness of yours too..
I truly am sorry for your loss, my deepest sympathy to you and your family.
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I am so sorry for your loss Kasey my dad whi was 54 passed away 5 years 1 month and 1 day ago which was only 8 days after my brother who was 23 passed away in my arms I understand the grief and how each day you go back and forward through each stage, I have to admit that it is not the loss that gets easier it just becomes easier to live with. Some days you feel like nothing is wrong but some small detail always brings it back! Just know that they will always live in your heart and will be with you forever
My deepest sympathies
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Almost 13 years for my mum and I still miss her with all my heart, it gets easier but it never goes away.
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It’s so nice to read that people had/have great relationships with their fathers.
My father plays no role in my life and it’s only when I hear about how great other fathers are that I find the situation upsetting.
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Me too Kaz. I start to wonder if I should reach out to him, since he is the only father I’ll ever have.
But then I remember the way he has treated my brother and I, and what his girlfriend (now apparently his wife) has said to us, and what has been said about our Mum and I think that I prefer this dull ache of hurt than the raw, exposed, rejected hurt that he makes me feel.
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I don’t feel hurt. I just get quite envious when I hear people talk about how great their fathers are.
I’ve tried forming some bond but there will never be one. He’s a nice person but i think he’s very oblivious as to how to be a good father.
It’s one of the most important qualities I want in my partner- if you can’t be a good father then I don’t want you as a partner.
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7 years, 4 months. It still hurts, but its not gut wrenching anymore. A cloud lifts at about 6 months. I felt like the earth had been removed from under me, and that I had nothing to walk on. Just falling….
So much more pain was caused by the ‘friends’ who said nothing.
No-one who said anything to me made me feel worse – most better just because they cared enough to overcome their own discomfort.
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My heart goes out to you Kasey. I lost my dear dad on new years eve last year. Bringing in the new year will never be the same.
I am still having bad days. The worst reminder is that my boss has the same mobile ring tone as my mum had that fateful night when the phone rang at 3am. It was the hospital telling us to come quickly. Dad had just been placed into a medically induced coma after suffering a massive stroke due to septicemia. We never got the chance to talk to him again. Every time that mobile rings now I feel ill.
The worst part was returning to work and a lot of colleagues said nothing. All I wanted was for them to ask if I was alright. When I hear of someone’s loss now I make a special point of asking if they are ok.
When I talk to others who have also lost someone, it’s like we are part of a strange little club, one that you don’t want to be part of and thought you would never be a member of, but somehow it does feel better to talk and share, just knowing that others have felt such pain somehow brings a bit of comfort.
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16 years 5 weeks 4 days. Still miss him.
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And it seems crazy that everyone else in the world doesnt notice that your world is upside down. I kind of like the old idea of mourning clothes, so strangers WOULD treat you gently.
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Kasey, I am so sorry . I know what you are going through. My dad died on Christmas Eve. He was Cooking at the BBQ , sat down in his chair, his head fell backwards and he was dead. Mum was still talking to him. To say it was a shock would be an understatement. It’s been a few years, but I still miss him. When his birthday comes around, it’s hard, but mum and I still have a chocolate cake because that was his favourite . You will get through this, it just takes time. Best wishes .
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Sorry for your loss Kasey. Parents leave such a big hole when they pass away. My Dad passed away 5 1/2 years ago. I think of him every day. Not with the searing loss that you feel right now. I have photos now. But on big occasions, anniversaries, and sometimes out of the blue it kicks me hard, and I miss him badly. What would I give for one more conversation with him?
Just take one day at a time.
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10 years tomorrow since my dad died. It gets easier.
Im so sorry for your loss.
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This year it will be 10 years since my wonderful, funny, loving, giving and magical dad suddenly passed away – leaving a big empty hole in so many aspects of mine, my mum’s and my brother’s life, as well as everyone he touched throughout the course of his 64 years here.
Those stages of grief are so right, and I can honestly say that whilst the acceptance does come eventually, the other 3 stages can sneak back in when you least expect it as well – as many of the other posts have said – you never actually “get over it” – you just learn to live with it.
When those phases do take me by surprise again – I’ve found they don’t hit as hard if I counteract them with wonderful memories of everything I love about my Dad, and instead of feeling desperately sad about him not being around anymore, I remind myself of something about him that makes me smile – yes, it’s a bittersweet kind of smile, but it can take the heart achingly heavy sting out of your loss.
I can totally relate to your guilt about your mum as well – this was exactly my situation – living 5 hours drive from her and worrying daily about how she was coping without her soulmate of 40 years. I had to realise that she had her own journey of grief to go on as well and me physically being there with her was not going to help because it couldn’t be a permanent thing – but those daily checking in phone calls were certainly good tonic for both of us – and whilst not quite as frequent now ( a few times a week is our usual pattern these days with me living overseas ) – I cherish the time I spend on the phone with her, and very much embrace the mantra of love like there’s no tomorrow
Big hugs to you Kasey – and for your mum as well. xx
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Yep Im hearing you. Im 6weeks out from losing my nan who was the matriach of our family. Someone who I was so close to yet didnt notice until she was no longer there. That aching, hole that they leave is real and so far hasnt gone away. She is on my mind constantly andto have her phone me at work to whinge about the world just one last time would be the best thing ever. I had my engagement and birthday party 2 weeks after losing nan and the guilt I felt from that was crippling. It felt too soon to be having the family together and celebrate and have fun and smile and the worst part was I couldnt mention her in my speech because it was too raw. The emotional roller coaster is the worst. Time doesnt move fast enough to heal at the moment.
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Oh Kasey, how much do I relate to each and every word you’ve written! And how much have you helped me (and I’m sure many others) just writing about your story!
Your friend is very wise – I must remind myself of that daily, as I approach the third anniversary of my own dad’s death.
Hugs to you Kasey – I don’t think any of us are every ready to lose loved ones, no matter how old we (or they) are. Not a day goes by when I won’t miss or think about my dad, but like you, some days I find myself blubbering out of the blue, when other days I’m as strong as an ox. No rhyme or reason as to what triggers those feelings either – I sometimes just see an elderly gent walking slowly through the shopping mall and I am immediately reminded of my dad and the longing comes flooding back.
Take care dear Kasey. I wish I had magic words that would make your journey easier, but alas… All I can say is hang on tight to the good days, and let those tears flow whenever you feel them welling up.
Hugs & prayers…Al xx
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I am 3 years post losing my father as well. I seems although you’ve read my heart.
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Kasey. Thank you for sharing a beautiful piece. It will be 3 years this October since my Dad died but unlike your Dad, he had been sick for about 10 months (and was 83) and we had had time to process what was happening. In the end, the shell in the bed was not my Dad so it was almost a relief.
He’d gone long before. In fact, he was in a hospital geriatric ward when I had to take my first child, just 1 week old to meet him for the first time. I am so glad he was able to see me married (and he adored by husband and my sister’s husband) but I now have 2 children, am working overseas and there are so many things I would like to tell him. He had an amazing and varied career and as I struggle to work out where my career is going, I wonder what Dad would think.
Like a previous poster, my Grandma died about 18 months later (by which stage I was overseas) and even then I wasn’t in the space to process ithat grief.
I too gave Dad’s eulogy and while it was hard, I hope it was a fitting tribute and I was so glad I was able to share my feelings with a broader group of people. To me it was an important part of the process of grieving.
While it may seem hard now, focus on all those very special memories and just take each day as it comes and remember, how you feel and you grieve is entirely personal.
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Just a small bit of unsolicited advice for those who have bereaved friends/family – and a bereavement can and does include pets.
If you find that you avoid the bereaved person because you don’t know what to say … just get them to talk about the person who died:
“Tell me about your dad – what was the funniest or craziest thing he ever did?”
“What was he good at/hopeless at?”
“Where did he love being, and with whom?”
You get the picture.
You don’t have to say very much at all.
Just keep them talking … and make sure you LISTEN.
Hugs, Kasey – my parents died when 35 years ago and you never “get over” it. It just becomes easier to bear, over time.
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Kasey, Your words resonate so much with me. Your raw pain and longing for your Dad is something only those who’ve lost a parent can truly understand.
I lost my Mum 2.5 years ago after a short and horrific 15 month battle with a brain tumour. I was only 24 years old at the time and even though a couple of years have past the longing for my Mum never goes away. Some days you feel ok and accept what has happened and others I am so angry at the world for taking my beautiful mother.
One thing I do know is that I was so truly blessed to have been given such an amazing women as my mother. The years we had together I was given the love and unconditional bond of a relationship that I will carry in my heart forever.
All the best Kasey xx
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Hi Kase, we are obviously friends and I know about your loss and I too offered some words of love and comfort, but I do not know EXACTLY how you feel.
I do have a fair idea, though.. and ironically, I lost my father when I WAS 13… so I too feel 13 quite often. It’s not a nice feeling.
Your friend is right: you don’t ever get over it, but you learn to deal with it to get through each day. Every Dec 1, I relive it. I think, “this year I will be better; this year I will be better at dealing with the loss. I will be stronger – it has been 26 years now”. Nope. Well, yes and no. A million emotions are felt each anniversary.
So, yes: each year you are kinda catapulted back.
Friends who do not know what to say when you are grief-stricken – but call you anyway and tell you that – are the best friends on earth. Keep them close.
And that feeling of worrying about your mother all the time and feeling a new kinda ‘mother guilt’ is intense, I won’t lie. That too is ever present, but it waxes and wanes.
God bless your beautiful father – he was obviously such a lovely man and had a huge impact on you. These are the memories to hold the closest of all.
BIG hugs xxxx
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We speak the same message, Kasey. My dad died 2 years ago, after a short period of illness. I remember going to the shops to buy some milk the day he died (for the countless cups of tea) and when people walked passed me I just wanted to grab them and say ‘do you know? Can you tell my dad has just died?’ I expected strangers to treat me differently after what I had been through and was shocked when they didn’t. How could they? There are no outward signs when your heart breaks.
My mum’s dad, my beloved grandpa, died 3 weeks after my dad. My sorrow did not eclipse what I already felt for my dad, and to this day I regret that I was not in the headspace to process and grieve for my grandpa properly.
There are not many rainbows to be found during these times of horrible storms, but they do exist. My family is closer now than ever before.
Kasey, I wish for you during this time that you are kind to yourself, make allowances for yourself and don’t put expectations of recovery on yourself. There are no rules. We all must do what we have to, just to get by.
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Jensta, your story reads as though its a mirror image of mine. My father passed away about 4.5 years ago now and my grandfather (mum’s dad) passed away 3 weeks after him. I too feel like I wasn’t true to my grandpa & grieve for him properly. At the time, I was just so concerned about looking after my mother, who within a month had lost her husband & father to quick illnesses.
I am lucky that my dad & grandpa got to meet our son, but said that they won’t get to meet their next grandchild due in November.
Much love to all who have shared their loss, or are reading all the comments but feel too sad & upset to share theirs.
I must say for me, it doesn’t get easier it just gets different – well at least that’s how Mum & I describe it to others. I often question my decisions I make & wish that just one more phone call to either of them could be made, so I could just check what they think.
Hugs xxxx
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This was me nearly 4years ago. My Dad passed away at 50 from Breast and Pancreatic Cancer. I still have days where I want to crawl in a ball and hide from the world, those are the days where the pain is so vivid. But most of the time I can get through my day, my week and not fall apart.
On all the big occasions I look for Dad and it hurts that he isn’t there. When i met the man who would become my husband I couldn’t get Dad’s approval. When my husband proposed he asked my Mum for her blessing something he knew that I really wanted Dad to be asked, on my wedding day I cried becasue Dad wasn’t there to walk me down the aisle. Now I’m pregnant with my second child (I lost the first) and I want Dad to be here to witness his first grandchild but I do take comfort believing that Dad is looking after my first child and watching over us all
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Thank you so very much Mamamia readers for your supportive and heartwarming words. I really do appreciate the time you’ve taken to comment. Your words have all put a smile on my face.
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What a beauitfully written peice. My parents were here this weekend visiting from interstate and it was so lovely having them here. Reading this, it made me think about how much I feel protected by their presence even though they live in a different state. Losing my mum and dad will be one of the hardest things i’ll ever have to go through. I’m very close to both my mum and dad, and can’t imagine them not being around.
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Oh, Kasey, this is just an extraordinarily beautiful and brave post. It is just so hard to lose the people who have always been in your life, loving witnesses to every step you’ve taken along the way. You can’t imagine living in the world without them. But you do and you will. Go gently, accept all the support and help you’re offered, and remember this agonising grief will lessen but you need to travel through it. Your Dad was a huge presence in your life. His absence now is huge too.
I sometimes think we should only wear black when we are in mourning, as some cultures do. Then people would know we are suffering even if they don’t know us, and treat us gently and respectfully, with understanding and empathy.
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I’m sorry for your loss Kasey.
I lost my dad when I was 23 and it was heartbreaking. It shook our world, and for every bit of grief I felt it was obviously much worse for my mother. His death pushed the rest of us to the dark: depression, alcohol, drugs – we all coped in different ways. But we rose from that grief, from the ashes of sadness and pure pain (i’m sure with his help).
Even though it doesn’t seem it – it will get easier. You will never not feel his absence, but the pain will fade. It will grow to love, and if you believe – the acceptance that he is still with you – just not in physical form.
Feel free to read my blog about how it feels when a parent dies – it might make you feel less adrift:
http://mummydaze.com/archives/253
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Beautiful post Kasey. I’m all choked up and want to hug my mum and dad right now.
Even contemplating losing my parents makes me feel ill.
Best wishes to you xx
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Dear Kasey, that was a lovely post about the love you feel for you dad, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you all the best in this terrible time in your life, you couldn’t have have put it better any other way. You in time will cope, you will miss him forever. X
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I am really sorry for your loss Kasey.
My dad passed away 2 years ago at only 63 years of age and, still now, I refuse to think about what happened. Talking about the five stages of grief you wrote about, it’s like I immediately rushed to acceptance. The same day he died, I remember thinking: “Ok, that’s it. It’s happened. Life goes on”. I put a brave face on and went on with my life. But deep inside I know I’m refusing to process the loss, and those rare times when I think about my dad, I feel really vulnerable.
I thought that, at 27, I was mature enough to deal with the loss of a parent, but the truth is that no matter how old you are, it’s a very traumatic experience and I chose to deal with it by not dealing with it.
We are all different but I guess one thing we have in common is what your friend said: people never get over it, but I am sure you will find your own personal way to live with this experience.
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