by RICK MORTON
Laughably, my friends have long treated me as some sort of relationship Oracle. This is strange because I have zero to no experience in the field. It’s like going to Chuck Norris for advice in diplomacy. And yet, here we are.
But maybe they beat a path to my door because I always told them what they wanted to hear. I nodded sagely, counseled appropriately and lied through my desperate teeth because I didn’t have the heart to analyse their frequent and consistent shortcomings and tell them the bald truth about their relationship or why he left them.
(The answer, almost always, had something to do with their penchant for clingy obsessiveness and flair for melodrama).
But I’m about to reveal the lies I told. I need to atone for the sins of my past by dismantling the house of mistruth I built to ward off unscheduled bouts of crying. So here we go.
1. “He hasn’t returned your call because he’s probably off visiting a sick relative in Peru.”
I lied. He doesn’t know anyone in Peru, probably couldn’t find it on a map and hasn’t called you because he’s met another woman called Chanice.
2. “No, he is definitely not gay.”
He is gay-er than a fedora filled with poodles. Sorry.
3. “Of course he’s not lying to you about his night out.”
And maybe he’s not. Maybe he was just standing there on a street corner and they built the strip club around him and maybe he was trapped. Maybe.
4. “No, he’s not boring at all!”
But once he was talking and then an elephant collapsed from boredom 1000 yards away.
5. “He’s probably just waiting for the right moment to propose, he wants it to be perfect.”
I’ve seen glaciers that move faster than him. Perfect? Sure. If your idea of the perfect proposal is finding a ring hidden in a meat pie.
6. “I’m certain he’d have children with you.”
And by ‘children’ I mean ‘adopt a puppy called Boris that will grow to be the size of a small horse’. But you win some and you lose some, right?
7. “He didn’t stay because you were too amazing and too great for him.”
Well, no, sorry. He didn’t stay because you wore him down like a graphite pencil in a 12 hour exam.
8. “I know he never says he loves you, but I’m sure he shows it in his own special way.”
I have literally no evidence this has ever happened and if it does we should write to several university communication experts just to double check it wasn’t a mistake.
9. “You can do better. There are plenty more fish in the sea.”
If you do a simple calculation, assume there are 3.5 billion men in the world. But only 250,000 in your ‘area’. Then subtract the ones whom are just not matches (wrong religion, wrong ideologies, wrong crowd, wrong cereal eating method, wrong sexual orientation etc) and subtract the ones who are already taken and there is really only one person for you. And you just broke up with him.
Oops.
OK, what white lies have you told a friend about their relationship? Or are you always brutally honest?
Comments
49 Comments so far
I recently told a friend ‘it’s ok, some people’s boyfriends just aren’t friends with their frieds’. She was very upset but I just can’t pretend I’m going to try and get along with this awful, awful guy who treats her terribly. But that said, I will also lie and say what someone needs to hear when it’s appropriate.
loading...
Number 7 for me ha ha.
I’m honest to my friends these days because they were honest with me when I needed it most.
loading...
I’ve worked out people give you the advice they wish they’d taken in their last relationship. So I say – just follow your own intuition. As long as you’re not telling yourself big fat delusional fibs.
loading...
i am guilty of number 8. i thought (3) was hilarious!
loading...
When being asked for an opinion, I usually ask my friends if they want the honest one or they want me to say what they want to hear. If I know that they wouldn’t like the truth, I just tell them to ask someone else, especially when it is a close friend who has made the same mistake over and over again because I simply don’t know how to lie. If they are really persistent that I tell them the truth, it usually goes like this: “How can you always choose the wrong guys? Obviously you haven’t learned anything from the previous relationship, or you like being treated that way and that’s why each new boyfriend is just a copy-paste version of the previous one. So, stop whining because it’s your own fault!!! I know it’s cruel, but I like to think that one day they will be grateful for the honesty
loading...
This made me thing of the ads for Lara Bingle’s reality show. In one of them, she is complaining that she is bad at dating and that she can land men, but then as soon as she does they always end up dumping her. Then she asks “Why is that?”. I want to should at the TV: “Isn’t it obvious??? They go out with you because you are hot, but dump you because your personality sucks!”
loading...
Rick #9 is so cruel!! give the people some hope at least haha
loading...
#9 does not make me feel better about my situation Rick!!
loading...
“Maybe he’s trying to not look clingy” and “He’s just a douchebag” are the two most common things out of my mouth at the moment.
The friend in question has no head-to-Facebook filter and has turned up to first dates drunk before though so I can’t say I blame the guys.
loading...
There’s definitely a wrong time and place for brutal honesty. The first time I had a breakup, my housemate walked in on me bawling my eyes out an hour later. I told him what had happened and he said, “well, some people just end up alone.” I was nineteen. Thanks for the advice, buddy.
loading...
Lol
loading...
Lordy, I have a friend who can’t be told. And she even loaned me the “He’s just not that into you” and TOTALLY ignored all the good advice in there.
Her ex-boyfriend has been a jerk boyfriend for years, and I clearly don’t like him, so she’s wary of telling me stuff now. And I say ex, but she’s “best friends” with him, and has the biggest hopes of him coming back to her.
It’s so frustrating, and she just keeps hurting herself and wasting her time, AND moved to Sydney without knowing anyone just be closer to him. What can I tell her that will make her wake up and realise he’s useless? She won’t listen! AH!
loading...
Oh, god, I feel you. I have/had several friends who I have so desperately wanted to tell, “your boyfriend/girlfriend is an arsehole and treats you like shit”. But you can’t because then you’re the bad guy. Even more awkward is when they break up, you finally unleash your opinions and then…they get back together…
loading...
God, so true. Although I’m a) a lesbian and b) usually loathe Hollywood rom-coms, I think there’s a lot to be said for taking the “he’s just not that into you” thing on board.
If someone likes you, they’ll find the time. Even if it’s just, “I’m really under the pump at work, can you meet me in the cafeteria for a Nescafe in a styrofoam cup, I’d love to see you.” That’s the biggest, most obvious one to me- “oh, maybe s/he’s just really busy.” No. Nobody is so busy they can’t take five seconds to text and say, “I am so busy but am thinking of you.” On the flipside, chill out if you haven’t talked to them for four hours. It doesn’t mean you’re breaking up. Yeesh.
loading...
Diana – haha so true! “She’s just not that into you” works just as well. I’ve heard soo many people say, ‘I haven’t heard from x person for 5 days and he/she hasn’t responded to any texts, maybe he/she’s just really really busy.’ Technology is pretty good these days. No matter how busy you are, there’s time for a quick text or phone call. Sorry but he/she is just not that into you! Hard to break to someone and equally hard to accept yourself though!!
loading...
Oh, totally. It’s amazing how much easier it is to see it clearly when it’s someone else. I’ve definitely been guilty of the, “well…maybe she’s conflicted. Maybe she hasn’t been in touch because she’s scared of the intensity of her feelings for me…”
Aaaaahahahaaaaa! What a noob!
loading...
Wrong cereal eating method???? Rick, do tell!!
loading...
I have this thing where if someone crunches too much while they eat I might throw a spoon at them. Nothing much, really …
loading...
OMG – I have to have the TV/music on while people are eating to dull the noise of their mastication. Seriously can’t stand it. If my hubby is eating dessert in front of the Telly late at night, I will have a shower/go to bed early to avoid the sound. Like fingernails down a chalk board- makes me cringe!
loading...
Me, too!! My officemates are lovely but crunch vegetable sticks ALL day, in between their morning-afternoon snacks of vege chips (loud crunch) and rice crackers. Sigh. I can hear it even with headphones on.
People who eat yoghurt for breakfast (which I hate, myself) are welcome here in the mornings.
loading...
Pure gold! Best thing I’ve read all week.
loading...
Fabulous!
Gay-er than a fedora filled with poodles. Gold!
loading...
Very funny, Rick, definitely been in this situation before! It’s so hard because you don’t WANT to lie but you don’t want to upset them or to lose a friend either. I have one friend who I used to live with. I love her to death but she’s moody, melodramatic and VERY jealous. She always asks me why her relationships don’t work out and why she and her current bf are always fighting and if she is doing anything wrong. I have NO IDEA how I could diplomatically tell her that she is waaay too jealous and controlling in relationships that that’s what causes all the problems! (e.g. her boyfriend is not allowed to have any female friends, she doesn’t even like her own friends talking to him for too long, she wont’ allow her friends to save her boyfriends number in their phones etc.) I tried to tell her very subtely once and she got extremely defensive and upset. Gahhh so difficult!!
loading...
Rick, this had me in stitches. Awesome work!
loading...
Why thank you!
loading...
My best friend from high school (who I only catch up with occasionally these days) came to my house one day and told me she was showing her new boyfried through some old photos and he saw a picture of me and told her that he knew me at uni and that we didn’t along. She tells me his name and I realise he was the creepy guy who I made a complaint against because he enrolled in all the same classes as me and used to follow me around. But, I had never seen her that happy, so I asked her what he had said about it, and apparently he just told her that it was a group assignment gone bad. I did not contradict this.
Two years later, they were both at my wedding, where he proceeded to hit on all of my bridesmaids – one of which was my 16yr old sister. A couple of months later we met up and she was really upset because another friend had told her that her boyfriend was a sleaze. She asked for my opinion, and I told her that I thought he was perhaps ‘socially awkward’ when meeting new people and maybe some people just took it the wrong way – she was happy with this.
Now, another five years down the track, they are married and he is still a creep but she is still totally blissed out in their relationship, and they have just had a baby together. I still heart her use the ‘socially awkward’ line to explain about him, and sometimes have to remind myself that I was the first person to say it because she is so convincing.
There have been times when I have wondered if I did the right thing, but she is so happy that I really did not have any other choice. he still makes my skin crawl, though…
loading...
Brilliant Rick!
“He is gay-er than a fedora filled with poodles” is going straight into my every day vocabulary.
loading...
HA HA HA HA HA HA Ahh Rick thanks for the Friday afternoon giggle that was fab !
loading...
Seriously most people who are going through relationship dramas don’t want the truth – they just don’t. They don’t want to hear that the person they are dating is a tool, or that their friends don’t like their partner or that everyone thinks they can do better.
They want to be reassured and to have their choices validated – whether they are mind-numbingly wrong or not!
And if you are brave enough to speak the truth more often than not you will be the one who gets burned….not worth it really. Just smile and nod and agree with everything! They will get there eventually and it’s not your place to sort out their love life.
loading...
Chanice. Best bogan name ever. Snorted. Thanks Rick.
loading...
I may have had a kid with the same name as you in a class recently, vegas…
loading...
Oh that’s cruel – they actually called a kid Vegas? Mine’s just a reference to BrisVegas!
loading...
I think your original approach was the best.
Just like overcoming addiction, a person has to be ready to get over a relationship and nothing you say or do will make them leave or not go back (ever seen Teen Mom or Teen Mom 2? It’s full of life lessons
. You’ll just be the one who hates their partner and will stop receiving calls as soon as they’re back together. The best policy is not to criticise their partner but support their choices.
I had this carry on for THIRTEEN years with one friend. I tried a few approaches but the worst was complete honesty: it was like she would cajole and cajole until I would finally say something honest, then she’d flip on the defensive and not leave him and I would feel like the bad guy. Of course then at one point she got mad at me because she felt that I was supporting her partner over her, when I was trying my hardest to listen to her issues and support her without joining in on her badmouthing of him. Impossible situation!
loading...
Tell the truth no matter what “Yes you were too clingy” “Actually he was just a colossal d***head with mummy issues and there was nothing you could have done”
My friends know not to come to me unless they want the truth. They have other friends to moddycoddle them (moddycoddle? am I spelling that correctly? I don’t think I’ve ever used that word in a sentence)
loading...
I think it’s “mollycoddle”?
And I love your approach, I’m also on the “don’t ask me if you don’t want to hear it!” boat
loading...
Thats me too. I’m from the school of ‘Do no harm, but take no shit’.
loading...
I tend to not offer my opinion unless specifically asked. I won’t lie anymore, maybe be as diplomatic as possible, but that’s it.
I actually asked a friend to stop talking about the major problems her and her husband were having and to seek counselling, because I was starting to hate him. I hope I said it better than that, but it was very wearing. I did offer to still support her with her decisions, but couldn’t take hearing about it anymore. I think the friendship nearly ended then.
loading...
Best. Simile. Ever:
“He didn’t stay because you wore him down like a graphite pencil in a 12 hour exam.”
Rick Morton, you got skillz
loading...
You got niceness
loading...
I once told a friend that she could do better….and lost a friend. Sadly, when it became obvious to her that she really could do better and the relationship ended, pride wouldn’t allow her to mend the fences although I did all that I could to patch things up. That was twenty years ago.
We still run into each other, there is a little bit of small talk. But it is very strained small talk.
Since then, I say nothing but good about the people friends and neighbours get involved with. Even after the goddamned jerk/ette has dumped them and moved on to the next one, I accentuated the positive….eliminate the negative.
loading...
A friend and I both lost another friend when we told her she could do better. She’s the beautiful friendly alpha girl everyone loves, he’s the complete opposite and a sleeze who had tried to pick up all of her friends first (including me).
Anyway, she married him a few years later. We still hear about her through another mutual friend, and as he is punching so far above his weight and knows it he does treat her very well. So I guess we have to admit we were wrong on this one.
loading...
Lie: sometimes opposites attract
Real respons: You’re lovely and he’s a total arse. Get your sweet self out of there!
loading...
“Maybe he was just standing there on a street corner and they built the strip club around him and maybe he was trapped”
Gold! Love your work Rick!
loading...
Ha, thanks!
loading...
Classic! My personal favourite is “he’s gay-er than a fedora filled with poodles”. Must remember that one!
Hey Rick, what if for a lark the MM readers post some relationship questions and you give the good old Rickster Answers? That would be fun for a laugh
loading...
Ha! I would totally do that, so long as everyone remembers they will be delivered tongue-firmly-in-cheek!
loading...
Mine is ‘gayer than a Mexican tablecloth’
loading...
I’m honest but I try to be diplomatic as well. Everyone goes through tough times and it doesn’t mean one person has a fatal flaw – they could just be frustrating/confusing etc in that particular moment. You have to take the good with the bad in some cases, after all.
loading...
I really want to tell my friend to dump her boyfriend because they are so incompatible is like apples and oranges but I just don’t have the heart. He’s very “I do what I want!” and she’s very “do what I want” and it’s not working! She’s so afraid of being single she will take any guy who comes her way and try to mould him into her idea of perfect rather than waiting for someone who is actually what she’s looking for. Sigh.
loading...