Kate Hunter
by KATE HUNTER
Sisters, if a girlfriend tells you your bloke is a knob, the odds are he is. Sure, they might be wrong, but (my) studies show 99.99999% of the time they won’t be, because generally speaking, your girlfriends DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
I’m not the first person to come to this realisation, writer Angela Mollard knows it too, and wrote about it on news.com.au:
We’d been having the same conversation for years.
“He undermines me,” she’d say.
“He didn’t buy me a birthday present because he says it’s a commercial construct.” Then: “When I ordered dessert, he asked if I really needed it.”
Down the phone line, my heart crumpled. My funny, loyal, thoughtful friend – the girl who’d fling me the top off her back, “because you love it more” – was being messed around by a jerk.
A surfing, “between jobs”, dope-growing jerk called Richard (and, yes, he was a Dick).
So, what did I say?
Angela Mollard
a) “He’ll change; give it time.”
b) “Dump the idiot; you deserve better.”
c) “Sorry to hear that; it must be hard.”
Actually, none of the above – friends owe each other more than gentle therapy-speak. “
Give him up for six months,” I advised in an uncharacteristic moment of blinding clarity. “You know he’ll be there if you want to go back, but it opens you up to other opportunities.”
It’s not a one-size-fits-all solution, but my friend was 37; she’d been with this man for four years and her dreams for a family were fading. She was in a ‘roadblock relationship’ – one which stymies your progress or causes you to veer so much off course, you forsake forever the path you had planned.
Roadblock relationships are at the heart of ‘emotional infertility’ – a condition which women say is every bit as painful as medical infertility.
Of course we should be honest with our friends – but there’s a risk. Way back in the single fog of the nineties, my friend Helen asked me to have lunch with her. It was a Saturday, so I assumed her boyfriend Anthony had stood her up for golf with his mate Rowzer. Again. But no, this time she’d stood him up – permanently.
‘I told him I couldn’t take his attitude any more,’ she sniffled.
Eat it. Go on.
‘You’re so brave,’ I ordered wine.
‘But I love him so muuuuuuuuuch.’
People can say many things about me but not that I’m unsupportive. I backed every one of Helen’s slurs on her ex-lover.
‘He’s a tool.’
‘Yes, he is.’
‘I’m a better person than he is.’
‘Bloody right you were. I’ve said that all along.’
‘He’s got that annoying laugh.’
I was enjoying myself, so I poured more wine, and offered more material.
‘Hels, I was never going to tell you, but he’s a shocking flirt – always hitting on girls in his office. My brother in law told me.’ There was a fresh round of sobbing, but I felt like ordering Champagne – my friend was FREEEEEEE. I was proud of her. Anthony was never going to be what she wanted, so she was better off without him.
You know what happens next, don’t you? They got back together and Helen asked Anthony about the girls in his office, saying the rumour had come from me. Anthony’s was furious – not at Helen (because he wanted to sleep with her) but at me. It made things very awkward for the next three years before he finally dumped her for a girl he met at a SCUBA course. Helen was left high and dry, a million miles from her dream – which wasn’t Anthony, it was a family.
Angela goes on to write:
“Brigid Moss from Red magazine, which recently coined the phrase, ‘Roadblock Relationship’ defines it as, “being childless not by choice [but] due to not having a partner or a partner not wanting to have children. A doctor can’t help with emotional infertility.”
No, but we can help each other. While it’s not possible to magic up an obliging partner exactly when you’d like to have a baby, it is possible to clear the roadblocks that often steal those crucial years.
I’m not blaming men. Biology has bequeathed them decades to fritter until they’re ready. Women, not so much.
Which is why, with our mates in the passenger seat, we need to smash through the roadblocks. It’s time we were as considered in our relationships as our careers. Yes, there are other factors – availability, luck, the piercing clarity of hindsight and maturity – but good fortune can’t walk into a gap that isn’t there.”
Read more here.
Have you or a friend been stuck in a Roadblock Relationship? Do you think it’s right for your friends to criticize each other’s partners?
Comments
44 Comments so far
I had always assumed that I would have children ‘one day’, but it wasn’t until I was 32 and my husband said, ‘well, it’s about time’ that I, realised that it was time! It was pretty difficult going from high flyer to mum, but it all worked out. If not for him, I could have been one of those (shriek!!!) “I forgot to have children” people.
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Hmmm. While I’m all for encouraging friends to dump the douchebag (and for being able to recognise when we are in such a relationship) I really wish these columns/pieces would stop implying that every woman’s end goal is to have a kid. It isn’t.
Not rubbishing those for whom it is a priority, obviously. Just saying…
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I’m in the opposite situation: having been single for 23 years, I met a really lovely guy and two years into it we’re still going strong. However, I had never had the desire for kids and/or domestic life with the white picket fence, and when I met my current boyfriend I was very happily single and “stumbled upon” the new relationship as a “see how it goes” kind of thing – I had never had the vision of domestic life and so when the right guy came along I find I am having a hard time picturing our future life as parents and deciding if that’s what I want.
We had this discussion in the beginning, to his credit he has always said he would like kids in the future, while I was a bit more vague, not wanting to put him off I said “maybe”. Now two years on he’s seeing a lot of his colleagues’ partners pregnant and giving birth (to be fair they’re around 5-7 years older than us) and he’s kind of given me the ultimatum: decide now that I want kids in the future, or if not, leave him now so he could find someone else who wants kids. I’m 25 now and by the time I finish my current study program I’ll be 29, and I’ve made it clear to him that I don’t want to have kids while studying, and he’s worried that if I don’t get pregnant straightaway at 29 the chances will get smaller and smaller.
I am really torn about it, before I met him, the way I picture my life in my 30s was as a single girl pursuing her career (considering I’m finishing my studies really late I haven’t been able to do that in my 20s). And now that I’m with him I really don’t know how things are going to look like in ten years time, and I really can’t decide if I want to have kids at all in the picture as I have never seen myself as a mother, ever. This ultimatum has even made me question if being in a relationship and eventually married is what I want for myself in the first place, I worked so well by myself and sometimes when we’re planning things together I find it hard to compromise and then a life together just feels like one massive group project, for the rest of my life (I hate group work!).
So to conclude, I just wanted to ask for some advice if I’m doing the right thing: I’m leaning towards staying in the relationship and hoping by 29 I would change my mind and want kids…
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When I read you’d been single for 23 years, I imagined you were in your forties – but that you’re 25 means time is on your side. I don’t think you should feel pressured into getting pregnant and perhaps your boyfriends sense of urgency seems a little misplaced. But it sounds like you’ve got a few issues to talk through with your boyfriend about beyond just the baby making… it sounds like you put a lot of priority on your independence and career, and starting a family in a hurry might change some of that.
Anyway. Good luck.
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You might want kids at 29, you also might not. When I met my husband at 23 I was adamant that I wasn’t interested in kids – luckily he knew me better than I knew myself, and he was pretty confident I would want a family eventually. I became interested in my early 30s.
It’s nice that your boyfriend is worried about your fertility, but it’s a bit premature! It’s important for both of you to keep in mind that there are no guarantees in the fertility game, be you 20 or 40 – you’re just playing the odds if you get started when you are younger.
For my money, it’s important to be in a relationship with someone you love and you can laugh with. Then whatever life throws at you, you’ve got a better chance of enjoying it together. Breaking up over hypotheticals is dumb, unless one of you wants something different now.
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I have a friend like you who has always said she doesn’t think she wants to do the marriage/kids thing and she’s now been with her boyfriend for 8 years or so (she’s 25)…they are at a roadblock. Her friends are starting to get engaged and the question has been placed on her -are you and your boyfriend going to get married?
As a friend I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to get married…whether deep down she doesn’t feel like taking the plunge with the boyfriend she fell into going out with in High School…i can’t help wondering if it was a different guy maybe she’d feel differently (we have all had our doubts about him in the past). But also she has always seemed to want to be ‘independent.’
Personally, i can’t help you because I feel like getting married to the person you love is the best way to celebrate and solidify your love for life. and I also feel like I’d love to have kids. I think some people don’t want to have kids for different reasons…maybe you should get to the bottom of what your reasons for not wanting kids are? When you say you just don’t picture yourself as a mother – ask yourself, why is that? Can you see any positives to having kids? Or does the whole concept sound terrible to you?
My advice would be to seriously consider your relationship and your underlying reasons for wanting to be independent. Have you seen relationships around you turn to mush? Have you been surrounded by disfunctional families?
Good luck. If you’re talking about the possibility of having kids with your partner you should be able to talk through all this with him.
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Meg, throughout my 20′s I wasn’t interested in having children either.. I wasn’t like some of my friends who knew they definitely wanted them sooner or later, for me it wasn’t – until I was almost 30 that I started to think… children…. hmm.. well, maybe. And lucky for me, at age 29 I met the man who is now my husband, we both said we would like children but were still in no rush. Fast forward and at age 36, I have a 12 month old who is the light of my life, I absolutely love being a mother… But in my 20′s? I could not have thought of anything worse… This is just to let you know that yes, it’s possible you will change your mind. Very best to you.
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Let you heart tell you whether you want kids or not – don’t decide based on what you think life will be like with kids.
You can make it whatever you want to be. I have 4 kids and still went to uni and have a career, I have friends who are classic white picket fence families with Mum at home and Dad working, I also have friends who are currently sailing the South Pacific on their catarmaran with their 16 month old, before that they were in Spain, before that they lived in India – all with their baby in tow.
Your family just has to work for you and your bf/husband. So if you want to be a mum – just do it and make it work however you want it to.
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Exactly. Life doesn’t always work out as we plan it. What is wrong with having kids and then going back to Uni? I have worked full time, studied and have two kids under eight. You just have to prioritise. Kids are very inspiring and if you are willing to change your lifestyle a bit to suit, they will fit in with your career; as long as you are happy doing what you are doing, they should be too.
Also at 25 you might be thinking at ’29′ you want to have kids but you might have issues with fertility, or you just never know what else may come up. If you have a good man who loves you and wants kids, and you have a chance of having kids in your 20′s or early 30′s, I say it’s a better move if your’e in good health.
I was breastfeeding my three month old son and studying for my dip ed over two years. Now with my daughter who is a toddler, I am studying another diploma. I work part-time and am a single mum. Very happy.
I’m not saying this will suit everyone and it hasn’t always been easy, but I’m glad I didn’t wait.
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Thanks so much for all the lovely advice, it’s comforting to know it’s possible to change my mind! Despite enjoying my independence and alone time, I also love being with my boyfriend and I guess that’s what’s important for now
Hugs to you all!
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What made my partner settle down and have a child after 5 years of maybe’s was befriending a group of single men in their late 30′s and 40′s. They tried to convince him having families were over rated, then one day he realized that they were just a group of sad men that got drunk every night, were lonely, didn’t have any savings or owned a home and were slowly getting more and more overweight from eating pizza every night. Men like that are pathetic and I don’t know why anyone would want them.
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Of course, it must be the fault of the y chromosome. A woman would never, ever do anything wrong.
Keep blaming the men in your ;lives for all of your problems and you’ll never get anywhere. If you’ve been dicked around for 5 years then you need to look at your own failings for allowing that to happen rather than blaming the universe.
Men aren’t tools any more than women are bitches. Just be responsible for your own actions.
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“Men aren’t tools any more than women are bitches.”
Amen to that.
There’s some awful people of either gender out there and just best avoided.
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I am starting to think that there are not going to be any two parent families soon. There appear to be so many men out there who never grow up, I think it might be easier for women to have children when they are ready and if there is a man around, fine, if not,then go ahead anyway. There appear to be a number of men (just from reading comments on this site) who string girls along so they get a person to keep house, provide sex, help with their education and pay for half the house and who make every excuse not to have a child when the question arises.
I am old now (56) and I am also still married, but I can see that modern girls who have more education and opportunities can be kickass mothers, with or without partners.
If my daughter was in the position of wanting to have a child on her own I would help her and I am sure I am not the only Mum who feels this way.
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You rock Vanessa. Your daughter is a lucky woman.
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My mum and I have had this discussion; I would have her support if I found the need to go it alone. I’d rather not, but at least the option is there. I’ve been single for a long time, but now find myself with someone older who is already a parent. I have no idea if he wants more, and I’m not ready to have that discussion because I might not like the answer….
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Well if there are more n more men who aren’t ready to “grow up” as you say, isn’t is possible that there is also a huge problem with a growing portion of today’s women that isn’t inspiring these men into wanting families with them?
It takes two to tango, the majority of my friends who I know that are avoiding parenthood are doing it solely because they haven’t found a suitable partner and some are purposely staying single because they have terrible luck with only meeting women who are terrible choices.
Hasn’t it occured to anyone to ask WHY these men don’t want families or to settle down with women? Some will not want the burden of children yet, n lets face it children do have a large impact on your life but even that doesn’t mean those men aren’t grown up but simply their CHOICE and priorities are different to yours. Do you guys n girls harp on to single mothers calling them immature n telling them to grow up if they choose to remain childless??
If these men are stringing you along, dump them, find someone with similar goals to you. I think it’s terrible to string people along but having children is a HUGE decision and it seems quite often some women are pressuring men into having them when they are not ready, how is that fair? Unless he has specifically given a time frame for children can you really put the entire blame on him if he is not ready at that stage of his life to have children? He wants kids one day but not now, unless he’s said you’ll have kids in the next X amount of years then there’s no point being bitter at him about it but you have to make a choice on whether his timeframe and your timeframe matches.
Forcing people to change for you, pressuring them into MAJOR life decisions is the pinnacle of privilege n quite frankly is abusive, leave them and find someone who you’re more compatible with instead of guilting them to have kids when they aren’t ready.
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“Hasn’t it occured to anyone to ask WHY these men don’t want families or to settle down with women?”
It’s probably because said men want a 1950′s housewife, which, in most cases, is no longer possible in today’s society. Most women understand the social changes, unfortunately quite a few men have yet to catch up.
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That may be true for some men, but there are other men who will disagree. For instance a few men I know were dating bad women, quite frankly they’d make terrible partners (cheating, abusive women, extremely selfish, etc). The reasons for not settling down include: Not finding the right person (both men n women have their fair share of terrible people), not finding the right type of person you want to marry/have a family with (eg someone you love), wanting to enjoy single or childless life more (which is me as I like my free time), etc.
Yet too often in the debates the men are told they don’t grow up, simply because they choose not to settle down n have a family. It’s disgusting, the sign of an adult is not to have a family, that is only one role in a myriad of roles available to human adults. Childless people are just as much an adult as those with children, having children doesn’t magically make you older or wiser. Priorities for people differ, some want kids, some don’t. Why shame those who want a different life to you?
“Most women understand the social changes, unfortunately quite a few men have yet to catch up.”
Are you suggesting more women are better able to cope with the new changes to society? Because I would say it’s roughly equal, I’ve seen plenty of people on either gender who either like or dislike the way society has gone. Neither gender has an advantage in maturity or accepting modern life, hell just look at how many men are now doing the stay at home parent role whilst their partner works, A complete flip on gender roles which is just one of the many progressive social changes around allowing far more freedom for people to choose their role in life.
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Archy, I reckon your points are there but they come across as bitter and defensive which is a shame. I wonder what has happened to make you this way?
1. I am not interested in having a child with any man who feels children are a burden, which you have stated. So that makes it easier to weed them out! If guys in their early to 30s to mid 40s want to keep knobbing around, good on them – go for it. That’s their choice, just leave me out of it. Thank you.
2. I don’t understand this sentence at all: “Do you guys n girls harp on to single mothers calling them immature n telling them to grow up if they choose to remain childless??” – Can you please clarify?
But otherwise, yes men do BS their partners as time ticks away. If he knows what you want (i.e. a family, children) and isn’t delivering it but promising you the world. Might be time to move on before it’s too late.
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If you’re sure you want kids at some stage but have doubts about your partner, I highly recommend forking out about $60 to get the anti-mullerian hormone test (AMI). Actually, I recommend it for any woman who is making decision about her future, be they career, travel, etc.
The test shows you what your egg-production levels are like and the results can often give you a guide to how many years you have to get cracking – e.g. if your level is low, don’t delay!
It might just prompt you to make the tough decision to leave a guy who isn’t right, instead of wasting a few more years…
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Neola – I constantly bang on about this to my friends too! Best test ever. One of my friends did it after me (mine was a shocking 1.2!) and hers was low too so now she’s freezing her eggs and looking into sperm donors in the case she doesn’t find someone. So important – as once the eggs are gone, that’s it! No amount of fertility treatment can help you get them back!
I wish GPS would discuss this with all females who for whatever reason haven’t had kids yet. Age is not necessarily a factor either. I was 31 when I got my shocking result. Do it ladies!!
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I was planning on having this test. But as we are in the US on student wages and therefore student health insurance, it is not covered and we cannot afford it. The wonders of a ‘progressive’ country and it’s health care system.
Sometimes I think I am destined to hit a brick wall in all directions!!
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I have no idea of the cost of the test in the US, but Rach, you BORROW that money… from mum/ dad/ brother/ sister/ cousin/ best friend. In time, you will look back and see that the cost was a foolish blocker as there is no price on lost parenthood.
Tell you what, I will make a pact with you to get the test myself (I’m early 30s) within two months, that is: by 11 January 2013. OK?
I have a feeling that it will provide mental clarity and set us free to make decisions and take action towards our goals from 2013 onwards. You will also know if your decisions are the ‘right’ ones.
Are you onboard with this?
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There is some info here including prices
http://ivf.com.au/ovarian-reserve-amh-test
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This exact thing happened to me! I was with a man for five years who kept danglinng the maybe baby carrot. I gave him an ultimatum and he said no to a baby so I left. I moved on and suprise surprise he came back begging. I am happy to say I am now married and pregnant to a new man who does not treat me that way.
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My stepmother is in a roadblock relationship with my dad. She has always really wanted kids, but she’ll never get any from my dad. Sometimes I want to tell her, but surely she already knows?
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Exact same thing with my stepmum! She’s so much younger than my dad and I’m sure she wants kids but I’ve never heard anything about it
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Don’t assume that she knows (or consciously recognises this) – if it were me, and if I got along with her, I’d tell her.
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I’m in a roadblock marriage right now.
All husband can see is his desire to keep studying and further his career and get exactly the job he wants. He’s 35, and I’m 30. We are not in our home country and by the time he finishes doing what he wants and we have even started to recover financially, it will be too late. All I ever wanted was a family, now I’d give anything to have just one child, and now, I would almost be satisfied doing it alone.
I feel blessed in a small sense that I still have a good support network at home, and that if it comes to that, I have the ability (and Australia’s education system, unlike the ‘wealthy get smarter’ system here in the US) to pursue my career as high as it can go. It won’t replace my desire to have children, which will hurt like hell, but at least I will be fulfilled.
I just wish I’d seen the signs of being postponed and ‘used’, for lack of a better term, earlier. But them’s the breaks.
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And might I add, how timely this article has been! Shit hit the fan here literally this week about this issue.
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Babe, if you’re only 30 and you’re sure you want kids, and he definitely doesn’t, then you might need to think about leaving. I really believe you’ll resent him if he’s the reason you don’t have kids, and that’s a really unhealthy place for a marriage to be. I gave my husband, not an ultimatum, but a, “If we don’t have kids because you wouldn’t let me try, then I’m scared I’ll resent you for it”, when I was 37 and we had our beautiful girl when I was 40. Very very lucky, I’d hate to think you’d miss out on this amazing experience because your husband isn’t ready. xxx
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Rach, just get pregnant. My wife did and I’m absolutely stoked that she didn’t hesitate to tell me straight.
My kids are the best thing that I’ve ever had, done or will have. I’m eternally grateful to my (ex) wife for accidentally getting pregnant.
3 times.
I don’t understand what the issue is with affordability of kids, they’ll never be affordable so you may as well just do your best and enjoy the little noise makers.
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Dump him, get your eggs havested and move on!
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I am 32 and single. Someone suggested this to me this week. As a back-up plan. What kind of costs are involved with harvesting then fertilising / retrieving / conceiving etc? I.e. from ovary to a baby.
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Lala, go have a chat with a fertility specialist if you are even vaguely interested. The assisted fertility world moves so quickly the stats anyone else gives you will be out of date.
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Maybe seeing the signs now, Rach, is still not too late?
Wishing you well.
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Oh Rach my heart goes out to you…. but as I told you already you need to do what’s right for you.
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Ladies if you’re having trouble identifying emotionally available men, assclowns etc. check out http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
Today’s subject is very timely indeed.
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I discovered this website about a month ago when I was coming out of a messed up situation. I cannot recommend it enough.
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Is there a corresponding website for the plethora of emotionally crippled women?
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These relationships are all too common and it’s a terribly unfair side effect of contraception. Women owe it to each other to advise their brothers, male cousins and mates, “if you’re not serious, ffs cut her loose and let her find someone who is. Don’t take her fertile years from her. It’s simply not fair.”
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This is excellent advice.
I’ve had the convo with numerous male friends and their response is pretty universal- they just don’t think of it and need someone to point it out in the nicest way possible.
They may not change, no one can force them into that, but the food for thought is sometimes definitely required
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I so agree Essen. And I also think the trend for couples to live together doesnt help either. Of course not everyone wants to get married and not every marriage will have a couple agreeing on having babies, but the ease and speed with which couples move in together these days, when the natural progression 20 years ago would have been dating and then discussing marriage and babies, many women probably find themselves in an incompatible relationship our of convenience before they had time to really work out what they both wanted.
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