by SHANKARI CHANDRAN
My two and a half year old son Sid can be a real pain in the arse sometimes. He seems to be embracing both The Terrible Twos and The Threenager personas simultaneously and with enthusiasm.
He can be heard saying regularly “I gonna beat you Poo Poo,” followed by a triple sashay kick to the reproductive organs of anyone in his way. We’ve asked the older kids not to watch Ninjago around him any more and Husband has taken to walking around the house with his hands over his balls, without any other purpose in mind, honestly.
Out of all of our four children, nature has clearly left the strongest-willed until last, perhaps realising that if we’d had him first there might have been no others.
On the weekend we took the kids to a family birthday party. It was chaotic and raucous as children’s parties should be and when it was time to go I told Sid that we needed to put our shoes on and go to the car. Sid said “OK Poo Poo,” and before I could make our exit, I realised I couldn’t find my car keys.
After a good ten minutes of searching bags, shoes, toilets and all the other obvious places one might leave car keys, my cousin said “Where’s Sid?”
I started to look around but not anxiously. The house had been secure and Sid never goes anywhere without me. He can be a limpet sometimes, fixing himself to my body like an uncoordinated third leg. I was looking but not finding, and I could feel my throat starting to close in that way it does when I’m afraid, when another cousin called me on my mobile to say she had Sid.
He had walked out of the house, across a suburban street and down four houses to wait at our car. My cousin had parked behind my car and she was leaving the party at precisely the right time to find him.
I really don’t want to think about the “what if’s” of Saturday afternoon but they bubble up in my mind frequently; a recurring nightmare that plagues me whilst I am awake. What if, what if, what if?
At night, Sid still co-sleeps with us. We are sleep school failures and I am resigned to this. Since Saturday afternoon I have been relishing it. I wake up in the night and watch him, wedged in the crook of my shoulder.
Whilst he sleeps, I trace the curve of his perfectly round head that protects his brain; I count the small ridges of his ribcage that protect his heart and lungs; I grip the strong muscle and bone of his legs that are now confident enough to run away from me. I promise him I will protect him better tomorrow. I watch him breathe deeply and as he exhales, I inhale him. Unknown to Sid, I kiss the eyes and the lips that usually sparkle with mischief, and I say quietly, fearfully and gratefully to the universe, “thank you, thank you, thank you.”
Shankari Chandran is a recent returner after ten years in London. Formerly a social justice lawyer, Shankari chronicles the day-to-day of her family’s return on her blog.
Have you ever lost your child or when you were a kid, did you ever get lost?
Comments
52 Comments so far
So very frightening for you.
I will never forget all the times my oldest child scared hell out of me. He is now 19 and was a great escape artist when he was younger. He would somehow get out of the house and go next door for a visit. Thats how i met three lots of neighbours. The first lot was when he was about two. Id find him sitting up having morning tea with full china tea set with the old lady next door. The last neighbours were when he was about 4 -5. They turned out to be great friends and helped me move out when i had to leave my husband.
Same child, when he was about 2 (and i was VERY pregnant with his brother) we went to a daycare fete thingo. I waited at the end of a long tunnel for him. But what i didnt know was he’d changed his mind, backed out of the tunnel and ran off. I went into panic and they dismantled the tunnel but no sign of him. We had police looking for him, radio station who was at the fete calling over the speakers. He was found sitting very happily in the back of the fire truck.
His two brothers and sister have never put me through this.
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Back in the 70s when my brother was about 2 and a half, my Mum put him to bed one afternoon as she usually did. She went about doing her chores and not even thinking about it. An hour later there was a knock on the door. The local policeman was there. “Mrs T., is your son here?”, “Yes, he’s asleep, why?”. “Well, can you check that he’s in bed? We’re pretty sure it’s him wandering down the main street with your dog. But no one can get near him because the dog keeps growling and snapping at people who go near him.”
My Mum raced upstairs and sure enough, no little boy in bed. He’d hopped up, taken all of his clothes except his nappy off and opened the front door and wandered down the main street of Katoomba holding on to the dogs collar, ‘taking him for a walk’. Luckily it was a small town back then and everyone pretty much knew each other!
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So cute that the dog was protecting him.
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Most of these stories are so mild in comparison to the terror I was.
First ran (crawled) away from home at 8 months old. Mum found me halfway down the driveway.
I then managed to run away from home twice at walking age. Both times I was found at a park up the road (had to cross it to get there) swinging on the swings happily in just a nappy. Apparently the second time, I noticed my mother running towards me, realised I was going to cop it and took off running!
Three times I managed to sneak out, get into my parents cars and for some logical reason pull down the handbrake. On a hill. I bet insurance companies loved my family.
The worst was running off at Darling Harbour during a massive event, like Australia day. Pre-mobile phones. let that one sink in for a bit.
And of course, my name was mentioned over the intercom at Grace Bros every single time we stepped foot in there. I was usually found in the candy section.
All incidents took place before the age of 3. My mum hopes that when I have kids, they turn out like me. That will be her ultimate revenge.
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“The worst was running off at Darling Harbour during a massive event, like Australia day. Pre-mobile phones. let that one sink in for a bit.”
Hilarious.
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On a slightly different tack, one of our three year olds also wanders around calling everyone Poo poo head or Poo Poo nap. She is a bit like chaos theory. Like the butterfly that beats its wings in the Amazon can cause a typhoon halfway around the world (butterfly effect), she can turn over in our bed and mange to hit and kick all occupants in every bed in the house! She’s not so much into genital attack as the superhero punch! Love three year olds!
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I let my 12 year old (toddler) out in the normally shut front yard one morning. Unbeknownst to me, the school kids left the gate open and she wandered off, with the dog. I realised after a couple of minutes and tore into our room to wake my husband sleeping off a night shift. There is a deep pond at the end of our street, so he cycled off to it and I pretty much ran about like a lunatic until a young guy stopped and said he’d seen her. The dog was still with her. She got hugged just as much as my daughter.
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I took my then 3 year old son to Myer in Brisbane to buy new shoes. I asked him to walk around in them, and he promptly ran off. At first I wasn’t too concerned, as he liked to hide in the clothes racks and jump out to surprise me… only he didn’t jump out, so I started looking, calling, getting more and more scared, running around. Eventually I found him, in the bedding department, jumping up and down on a bed!
I grabbed him just as two lady sales assistants were about to do the same thing. They were a bit cranky and said ‘he shouldn’t be jumping on the bed’, and I replied ‘he’s just trying out his new shoes’. Have no idea what made me say that, probably their sour faces!
It’s one of those anecdotes I’ll probably be telling at his 21st. It makes me laugh now, but I remember that panic so clearly, and him having the time of his life!
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My little brother once followed my dad across a busy 6 lane road when he was about 18 months old. The same week he followed my dad up a ladder onto the garage roof. Like Sid, Shankari, he is the youngest. They like to cause mischief.
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There definitely is something about the youngest – ours is the bravest, toughest, the cheekiest and the most likely to give me a heart attack. x
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I have the cheekiest nearly 3 year old. I have never heard the term ” threenager” love it though – I am going to have one of those in a couple of weeks! Great article.
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Many thanks to those posting about their co sleepers. My just turned 4 year old hops into bed with me at some point every night and I love it and am not ready or willing to turf him out. Always good to know I am not alone in loving the nocturnal snuggle.
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I love the digression to co-sleeping this post has taken! You wouldn’t believe the musical beds that happens in our house at night. I’m not sure Husband and I will ever find each other again, hopefully sometime soon. He’s been summarily kicked out and voluntarily resigned himself to the very comfortable bed in the spare bedroom whilst Sid is my permanent sleeping companion and the other three take turns on my other side. Yep. Not ideal by any means but it won’t last forever and there is something so beautiful about them as they snuggle in.
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Frightening how common these stories are!
My 18 month old once escaped from daycare and wandered onto a busy road. A man stopped his car, carried him off the road and back along the street before anyone realised my boy was gone.
Ten years later and I still can’t tell the story without crying about what might have been.
I didn’t get to say thank you to that lovely man, so thank you to all those guardian angels out there who watch over our children in those terrible, terrible moments.
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Hi Cher, I can see myself in ten years time looking back with the same emotion, and whenever I see the cousin who found Sid, I really just want to hug her and cry all over her! x
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My 2 and a half year of baby girl walked off on me while I was distracted waiting at a newsagent on a very busy Saturday morning at the mall. I had her baby brother in the trolly and I was trying to sort the lotto out and telling her just to wait quietly. I did what I had to do, got served, turned around and NO sign of my girl. I asked other shoppers, have you seen my child? my little girl? everyone kept saying no, no they hadn’t. But she was just here! I cried. It literally took a minute and she had gone, and people kept exiting the mall and coming in and out…chaos. Luckily, an old lady said she’d mind my baby in the trolley and let me run out to search. I remember running through the car parks at Midland Gate screaming her name and not caring what anyone thought. I was absolutely terrified. All I kept thinking was that she could be in anyone’s car, and I would never know where she went. Luckily (yes, very very lucky) a Middle Eastern man in a carpet shop around the other side of the mall saw my daughter on her own saying Mummy, thought it was odd she was on her own, and took her into his shop. They called security…and they grabbed me as I ran around like a mad woman screaming her name in the car park Oh, even now 12 years later I am crying and I get the shivers. She was only gone for 30 minutes but it was the worst time of my life. I didn’t sleep that night, my heart just thumped. I Never lose sight of your children…it only takes, quite literally, a minute and they can be gone.
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Can I ask why you pointed out the ‘Middle Eastern’ aspect?
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Not a place to be precious about what description she used to describe the man who found her child. If the man had been a bad person and had TAKEN her child and not returned her you would want to know then what the man looked like so what’s the difference? None.
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Oh my gosh, I’m really embarrassed. Thank you for politely pointing it out to me. I didn’t mean to make any mention of it other than he was a carpet seller, he has a carpet store on the corner and that’s who he is in my mind, he didn’t speak very good English and he took my little girl inside his shop and looked after her until the security brought me there. So when I was recounting, I wrote it as I was remembering it…but it does look like a very unnecessary addition. He was just a very kind man.
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Don’t be embarrassed. When I read it, I didn’t think you meant anything by it at all.
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argh, I got teary just reading this. I could feel your panic. My worst nightmare!! so glad all was okay in the end x
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I nearly cried reading your post so I can understand how you still get upset about it. My 3 year old boy got lost in a supermarket late one afternoon. He normally stayed by my side but he ran ahead, around the corner and by the time I got to the end of the aisle he’d disappeared. I too felt absolutely terrified. He was only missing for five minutes but they were the longest five minutes of my life. I found him in the fruit and vege section mopping the floor with a mop from the cleaning goods aisle. I asked him what on earth he was doing and he told me the floor was filthy. The young shop assistants nearby thought he was hilarious. I burst into tears.
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I came out of the loo a few months ago to find my 3yo giggling in the loungeroom. I took one look at her and starting panicking – “where’s Sam?” I asked. And then the thumping on the front door started..
My 3yo had unlocked the front screen door, let her little 12 months old brother outside the front and pulled it shut on him. Thankfully my (normally a runner) stayed at the door instead of heading off down the street as he’d normally do.
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Loved that description of your child as a limpet – perfect description for that age.
Glad you found your son safe & sound.
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Hey Lozzie, thank you very much. Me too. x shanks
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Hey Lozzie, thank you for reading. Me too! x
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One day it was just a little too quiet, something was ‘off’. I went to look for the 17 month old, thinking he was unpacking the bathroom cabinet again.
No, wasn’t there, he was out the front, crawling out onto the very busy road we live on!!!
The front door had blown open and there were buses screeching to a halt and cars stopped all over the place. People were getting out of cars to rescue him. I have never screamed so loud or run so fast. I couldn’t breathe or talk and just grabbed him and burst into tears.
I never did say thanks to the people who had stopped, I was too upset. But to those wonderful people, THANK YOU! you guys stopped what could have catastrophic to our family.
(still gives me shivers. what if…)
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Earlier this year I had stopped at the corner shops on a hot day. My 8 year old wanted to stay in the car, and as we had our dog with us I left the car running with the a/c on. My 4 year old daughter did what I had asked her to NOT to do every single time we get out of the car. She launched herself out of her seat, clambering over me in the drivers seat and out the door. To this day I don’t know if I was distracted and didn’t put the car properly into ‘park’, or if she nudged it on the way over. As I stepped out, the car suddenly lurched forward and as there was no guttering it kept going until a big glass window of a shop stopped it. I managed to get up and get back into car, trying to work out what was happening. The people in the shop were gesticulating wildly to get me to stop reversing. I suddenly realised I couldn’t see my daughter. Putting the car into park, I got out and saw her standing on the other side of the car.
6 months later I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking that she could have been standing between the car and the window. Or someone elses child could have been there. And if she’s in my bed as she often is at 3am, I kiss her and hug her and listen to her breath. Because I can. And in the same moment I feel so utterly thankful and so utterly full of anger at myself for letting it happen.
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Oh Shanks, this made me cry! I’m so glad there was a happy ending to your story. It’s amazing how fast they can move on such little legs. Your description of Sid reminds me so much of my own little boy – fearless adventurer by day; snuggly little mummy’s boy by night. Hold him tight as long as you can x
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Hey Lara Cain Gray, thank you as always for reading. Looking forward to another blog post from you soon, I always laugh, feel happy or mentally enriched! x shanks
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The gift of sleep is to have your warm baby safely tucked in the crook of your arm … 10 years HAS to be the limit, though. Really, just one more month, 30 more nights. Without a Dad to worry about, she’s slept with me every night of her life. Talking about her worries, being frightened by my stories of monsters and wolves and bears, laughing and telling me how much she loves me, and I, her, saying her prayers, reading the exciting bits of her latest book out loud. God I love my baby … my baby who isn’t really a baby anymore. I’ll miss her when she is evicted.
I’m so glad your baby was safe. It’s one of the very worst feelings in the world.
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what a lovely story. I too kiss and breath in my little boy, who is now 4.5 years old and full of mischief and delight. He is my everything and I thank a higher being every day for letting me be part of his life. The thought of anything happening to him makes me feel sick to the stomach and chills my heart.
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Oh I know that feeling very well to, my almost 2 year old had casually gone out of the front door when her older sister just didn’t close it properly! She only made it half way down the front stairs but I now cannot feel comfortable with having my door open even if the security door is locked with the key, if I see it open I scream “WHERE’S ADDISYN” and have a panic attack. It’s the worst feeling to fear losing your children, and they are so quick! Apparently I did the exact same thing to my mum but when I was little we lived on a Main Street and I did wonder down a stranger saw me and followed me til it was safe to stop and took me home my mum had not even realised same thing my big sister left the door open, my mum struggles with ‘what if’ every day and is a massive panic merchant.
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What a beautiful story.
I was quite an obedient child, when I was told to get of the tram and then wait for mum to come out with my two younger siblings I wouldn’t start walking away (I’m the oldest of three, the youngest is three years younger than I am). However, I also developed a sense of independence quite early. I liked to take my time looking at things, unlike my younger more impatient siblings. So once when we were at Europa Park (an amusement park in Germany), my parents didn’t notice that I had stayed behind to look at some display windows. I’d assumed that they knew that I was still there and that I would catch up with them when I was done. When they found me again they told me off. I was five at the time and thought I was old enough to look after myself.
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We lost my eldest child one day on the crowded beach. (had previously watched a Bondi Rescue with a lost child and thought ‘who could do that!?) It was the old “I thought he was with you. I thought he was with you!!” The unimaginable terror, of looking at a beach full of kids that all look the same and just thinking ‘he’s gone, someone’s got him’, only lasted about 2 minutes before I spotted his boardies in the crowd. It was nearly 5 years ago, but sometime when I think about it, I can feel the scream rising to my throat like it did that day and I get head to toe goosebumps. I have never known such a terror again, and I’m extremely grateful.
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You had me in tears… beautiful. Its the worst feeling of panic in the world!
They say that they wont want to sleep in your bed forever! I have my 5 and 7 yr old coming into my bed at least once a week. I am a light sleeper and am horribly disturbed by this but i never deny them the comfort they sometimes need in the middle of the night. Its such a beautiful thing.
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I was in an upper level of a CBD shopping centre lift area (in the service area – hidden lifts). Got into the lift, pushed the button for a very low down carpark level, the doors closed …. and i didn’t realise Master Four wasn’t with me … he must of lagged a bit … he hates walking around holding hands. Anyway I could hear his screaming in the lift well all the way down “mummmmmmy” and crying, as I frantically pushed buttons trying to get the lift to stop. Eventually I made it back up, and he was collapsed in a ball on the floor at the door … luckily he hadn’t wandered off to look for me. So now I contine to tell the kids if they get stuck on the wrong side of a lift door, just stay put. And if they get lost in a shopping centre, walk into the nearest shop and tell the person behind the counter of the shop that you are lost.
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I lost my eldest boy when he was almost two. We were staying in a hotel and when they came to service the apartment they propped open the door and my little one got out while I was busy with his baby sister. He was always fascinated with the buttons for the lift and by the time I realized he was gone he’d gotten in the lift and gone…who knows where?
I then did that run a few steps this way, change your mind, change your mind again, run the other way thing as I didn’t know what to do. Eventually I jumped in the lift and went to the lobby. Thank god my little boy was there and wasn’t roaming some random hotel floor or, even worse, the carpark levels. I could barely walk I was so relieved. That gut churning feeling and the panic rising fast when you realise you don’t know where your kids are is one of the more awful feelings of parenthood.
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My brother took off in a lift when we were in Honolulu in a high rise hotel when he was about 3 1/2. Mum also has a morbid fear of heights. Good times. She still freaks right out about the kids with lifts.
Last time he was there with his fam, his son (5) set off the fire alarm in the hotel lobby. Payback! But without the disappearing bit…
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Tears, I do exactly the same thing. We’re in the process of pushing our 4 year old out of our bed but I secretly love having him there. He is our one and only child and one of my favourite things is after he’s gone to sleep and I just look at the wonder of him. He is a child that is challenging and frustrating but also wonderful and most importantly, mine!
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My youngest is a runner. I had a moment at the mall when I had to call security after panicking and looking everywhere madly for him. They were great, reassuring me that it happens all the time. Twice since I haven’t panicked – just calmly called security straight away. The more you lose your child, the more you are confident they will be found!
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Always love your writing Shanks! It’s good to hear from you! I had a moment (or twenty seven) of panic recently when my kids disappeared at home.
Hubby had gone out, and I was upstairs while they were watching TV downstairs. When I came down, they were gone. And the dog was barking at the fence. Madly, which is very unlike him*.
I ran through every room of the house calling, looking, upstairs, downstairs, under the stairs, into the backyard, all around the fence line, down the driveway, up and down the street, back into the house, upstairs, downstairs, calling calling calling (actually by this stage wailing). This was over around eight or nine minutes.
Eventually I stood in the playroom, in tears. not having a clue what to do next when the little buggers burst out of the wardrobe shouting “You couldn’t find us mummy! We did great hiding!”
It took every bit of self control not to yell at them for taking 25 years off my life! instead I plastered a big smile on my face and said “Wow guys, you did AWESOME hiding! How about next time you TELL mummy when we’re playing hide and seek?”
*Turns out there was cat playing in the garden and the dog wanted out.
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Oh Shaezy, I can imagine your panic. What a nightmare. My second child did this to us once. He hid quietly under a bean bag whilst we had a massive panic around him, running down the street, calling the neighbours etc. The things they do to us. Thank you for reading my stuff, I’ve been quiet for a while as I’m working on a novel (there, I said it), but have really missed the mamamia gang. x shanks
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“We are sleep school failures and I am resigned to this.”
This is me! I had a mum from child care say to me the other day – “can you believe …… has her 2 year old daughter still in bed with her?? Such bad parenting”.
I didn’t say anything but inside I was thinking – “just her 2 year old?? Geez, I have my 3 year old and sometimes my 5 year old jumping into my bed in the middle of the night, what does that make me?!?”
Love this article, as I always do when I read your work Shankari.
I’ve never properly lost my child but I have had lots of those quick moments where you lose your breathe for 20 seconds until they come out from their hiding place.
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Lol, the only nights we don’t have the 5 year old AND the 3 year old in the bed is when they are having a sleepover at their grandparents! I wonder if there is another level above ‘bad parenting’!
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‘Bad parenting’ or ‘just the way they are’? Our 3 kids:
One 10 year old who has his own little mattress under OUR bed
One 8 year old who, quite frankly, we could have set up in his own apartment when he walked out of the womb. Never slept in our bed. Hell, he’s never even slept in our room.
One 5 year old who will quite often end up in our bed any time between 3 and 6am.
Same parents.
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I love this
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I was an anxious sleeper as a child. Plagued by the restlessness of the very light sleeper and full of bad dreams. I was never once turned away by my parents in the night, whether it was to walk me back to my room & stay with me till I was asleep or to cuddle in with them. I was always grateful for this and adopted the same practices as a parent myself.
** I managed to be able to self settle in the night by about 8, moved out of home by 20, made meaningful relationships with partners and don’t have mummy/daddy issues. Jumping into your parents bed, is NOT the be all and end all of ‘bad parenting’.
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I admit, my baby is due in 7 weeks and I’ve been very adamant that I will never let my daughter sleep in my bed. Now for the embarrassing confession: I did get my judgey pants on about parents who shared the bed with their kids- thinking, ‘It’s not that hard to put your kids into their own bed.’
I read this article yesterday and it stuck with me. I thought about at night when getting up for the numerous pregnancy early morning pee trips. Then at some wee hour in the morning, one of my dogs came into my room. I don’t know what he wanted, but he was whimpering, carrying on and shaking, so I naturally picked him up on to my bed and pulled him in close for a big cuddle. He stopped shaking, nestled into me, and went to sleep all cuddled up to my big belly. I pat him, making sure he was settled and feeling grateful to have such a special companion. I instantly thought of myself as a child creeping into my parents room when I had a bad nightmare, and having mum move over and letting me sleep.
I don’t even know what the purpose of the post is and it’s just a bunch of rambling. But I’m pretty sure I realised that if I have a desire to show my dog comfort and love my child doesn’t have a chance- she’ll be in my bed when she has nightmares if she so desires and that does make me a bad parents. It means I want to comfort one of the most precious things in the world and make her feel protected, safe and loved.
Oh, the dog was fine. Turns out my other precious little dog took the entire blanket and my little dog was just cold wanting a cuddle.
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Hey peanut, you sound like an excellent dog mummy. Good luck with the baby and whatever sleep style you go with, I wish you lots of rest, fun and love. Shanks x
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hey peanut, it’s me again, sorry in my last post I got distracted by your name and used it instead of mine! x s
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Hey Peta, thank you for reading my work. I get that too at school – the raised eyebrows, the sympathetic looks etc about our sleeping non-arrangements. There is one mum in particular and I know she is trying to be nice but really, sometimes I want to say “Please take that look off your face, if you had my kids, you’d want to spoon them all night too!” – I know our musical beds and co-sleeping chaos is not ideal but we get more sleep than we would if tried forcing everyone to sleep the way the textbooks recommend it. So I am all for whatever works, and from time to time I might ask my parents to take the kids for a sleep over just so Husband and I can remember what spooning each other felt like! Last night he was in Melbourne and I was in bed with 3 out of the 4. At 625am I was woken up by the 4th one (Number 2) wanting to know why everyone else was invited to my bed except him! Got to love them. xxx
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