Do not disturb
By MIA FREEDMAN
There are many things I wanted to do in the delivery room on each of the three occasions I gave birth:
1. Go home (“I can’t do this! I give up! I’m going hooooooome!”)
2. Be put out of my misery (“This hurts too much! Take me outside and run me over with the car. Pleeeeeeeeeeease.”)
3. Marry my anaesthetist after he gave me an epidural (“I can’t remember your name, Mr Doctor, but I really, really love you. No, I REALLY love you. No, I don’t think you understand HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.”)
4. Eat and drink (“Right, now that I’m no longer pregnant I would really love some sushi and a cocktail.”)
5. Have sex Not so much. Because I just pushed a baby out of my vagina and the only thing I’d like to get intimate with in the near future is an ice-pack and a surfboard sized sanitary pad. You know?
But there are some women – and their partners – who do want to have sex in the delivery room. They really really want to.
On Mommyish, a midwife has written about the number of times she or her co-workers have caught patients having sex during labour or immediately after birth. “Throughout my tenure, I’ve noticed that labor and delivery brings out a lot of things in people. And one of them, apparently, is sex.”
Like the patient who was in early labour and was sent home by the nurse after an examination. Before the paperwork could be completed, the heavily pregnant woman and her partner decided to do it doggy-style in the examination room, covered (barely) by a flimsy curtain while two other couples in the same room listened incredulously.
“Now I know having sex is supposed to induce labor and all, but I call that taking things a bit too far”, writes the midwife, who adds:
“I told you they wouldn’t care if we got in the shower together!”
“One nurse I know caught her patient with a man in her bed during her labor—and he wasn’t the father of the baby she was delivering.
While talking with my patient about the plan to have her get up to the shower, her boyfriend asked if he could help her. “Oh, of course,” I said gratefully. “That would be great.”
“See?” he said, shoving her playfully and waggling his eyebrows. “I told you they wouldn’t care if we got in the shower together!”
His girlfriend rolled her eyes at him. “She didn’t mean like that,” she said.
For another patient, no permission was necessary—one of my fellow nurses had the pleasure of walking in on a patient in the shower with her man.
I know some couples who have a ridiculously short gap between children – less than a year - and I’ve often joked “Did you have sex in the delivery room, or what?”
But maybe? Maybe they actually did.
If you’ve had kids, how soon afterwards did you have sex? And did you do anything during labour as interesting as having sex?
Comments
169 Comments so far
wow, good for them! I didn’t want anything near my poor broken nether regions for quite some time! Definitely not in the delivery room
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The things a midwife has to see and to have a professional reaction to…I mean, no matter what’s her opinion, the emotional state of the new mother needs to be considered. I researched something about midwives at http://www.plaiderai.org/en/articles/14-miscellanea/424-the-beautiful-experience-of-pregnancy-and-midwives
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After reading the comments Its interesting that no one has mentioned the influence hormones can play in a woman’s libido with a small baby, usually when breastfeeding.
Straight after delivery there is a massive drop in the female hormones, with a corresponding rise in the levels of oxytocin and prolactin. These two latter hormones will stay at high levels if a woman breastfeeds, helping to keep oestrogen and progesterone levels down, suppressing ovulation and keeping libido down. This is all general. Some will say they feel “sexier” when they breastfeed or even after birth, but I think the majority don’t.
I still feel that if you’re desperate to have sex and it’s consensual/ not coerced then please at least wait to get a room – your own at home.
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I did actually, a bit further down in reply to iamevilcupcake. Basically I talked about how much the dreaded hormones played a part in the temporary demise of our sex life.
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I’m curious, wouldn’t it lead to infection? After I got my IUD inserted I wasn’t allowed to have sex for a week, and that was no wider than a pencil. Are women given antibiotics after delivering a baby?
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No, not unless there are complications like the placenta stays attached.
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Surely the birth canal sustains scrapes and abrasions that could be prone to infection for at least a few days after giving birth?
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Oh my, I kinda feel a little sick just thinking about it. Each to their own I guess? But it’s a big NO from me.
Bettina @ http://www.littleoldsouls.com
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Your comment made me consider my reactions to my partner.. I can be very abrupt & rude to him when he wants sex & I don’t. Food for thought. I’m definitely going to try to approach it differently next time
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I’m sure I remember reading something when I was pregnant with number one about a woman dying after having sex too soon after birth.
Yep – just googled it. I it caused an air embolism – somehow air was forced into blood vessels that were damaged during the birth. So it can be fatal (although very rare).
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….as a follow up, something else a lot of women are failing to grasp in this instance is that not all women come away with tears/stitches/surgical wounds/internal bruising from forceps. Some women have a completely normal birth (with no tissue trauma), followed by minimal bleeding. Whats a little bit of blood between lovers? Have none of you ever had sex with your period?
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150 comments but still no woman has posted that they wanted sex during labour or within 30 minutes of giving birth – or even within 24 hours. There’s also a huge difference between early stages of labour and delivery room labour, and no-one has mentioned wanted sex when they’re experiencing contractions that feel like they’re tearing you apart every 90 seconds.
Wanting sex 24 hours later is quite different to 30 minutes later.
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It was three months, I think.
I remember being in the hospital two days after giving birth (episiotomy, forceps) and the midwives asking me about what form of contraception I’d be using in the coming months.
‘Um, right now I’m too scared to pooh…’
I could hardly sit down without wincing for weeks afterwards, so sex was definitely not on the rader. Everything worked out fine after a good rest.
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I had a 4th degree tear and was TERRIFIED of pooing. Heck months later I’m still not fond of it. Took 4 months to even consider sex.
But if I had not torn, and so the pain wasn’t an issue I still don’t think I would have wanted sex early on. I had no desire for it. Still don’t.
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Oh my word Mia, I’m with you!!!
Do people not experience pain?? Or is it a kinky fetish to have sex before the epidural wears off?? Must feel like stirring a pot of soup with a knitting needle for the guy?!?
There is a huge ‘No Access’ sign on my vagina until the obs gives me the all clear and even after that it’s taken a good month to not feel pain.
I’m yet to orgasm after having my first child 3 years ago
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For my husband, sex was an expression of love – he was amazed at what I had just done – at what we had just made together – as a result he would have liked to have sex earlier than 6 weeks with our first – we just did other things instead. This wasn’t just about his satisfaction though, it was about him showing his love in the most intimate way he could. – with our 5th though, I think it was a week, and it we both enjoyed it. – but this was an expression of love, and very emotional, as opposed to a satisfaction of his, or my need or desire. So not a case of – he wanted it, so I obliged.
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Then there was the husband who asked the doctor how long he’d have to wait after the birth of his child before he and his wife could engage in marital relations.
The doctor said it would depend on whether his wife was in a public or private ward.
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After the birth of our first child, my husband and I were advised to try and have sex before my six week check up. We did it the day before. My husband swears my first words post deed were,” That was like throwing a sausage up a hallway!”
I can’t remember, I was laughing too much. Hey! She was a big baby.
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With bubs number 1 it was an easy 3 months. With bubs number 2 I was lucky to make it to 4 weeks! Trust me I wasn’t “in the mood” but it was better than dealing with 3 children
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I’m unsettled by some of the comments expressing surprise that some women don’t want sex for months – even up to six months -after their births. Most of us are very fortunate to have access to medical interventions that can assist in reducing the harm to the mother and baby during childbirth – but that doesn’t mean that some women don’t experience severe trauma to their vagina during childbirth – trauma that can take months – even years (sometimes tragically never) to heal physically and emotionally. Some women have to go to have ongoing physio in order to be able have pain-free enjoyable sex. I think we shouldn’t gloss over the real pain and ongoing issues many women have after birth – unfortunately no everyone is able to consummate their relationships without excruciating discomfort 6 weeks after the delivery of their baby.
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Thank you, thank you SO much for this comment!
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Intimacy with your partner, husband, wife, doesn’t have to be penetrative sex all the time you know, especially in times like you have mentioned. You and your partner can still be intimate in many, many other ways.
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I experienced third degree tears, a broken tailbone and very severe bleeding giving birth to my first baby. It was a very traumatic experience, and that combined with the sheer exhaustion of new motherhood meant that for many months I had no interest in ANY sort of sexual physical intimacy with my husband. It didn’t mean that I felt any less love for my husband, and I felt terribly guilty about it even though my wonderful man never said or did anything to make me feel guilty. Yes, there are many other ways to be intimate with your partner other than penetrative sex, but it was a huge mental hurdle get my head into the right place for anything after such trauma.
I think it’s difficult for many people to understand just how physically and mentally traumatic injuries such as those I received during birth can be unless they’ve experienced it themselves.
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i could kind of understand the “during” labour. like early – mid stages. or when its not happening very fast. when you’re desperate to get the ball rolling your desperate. but i don’t get the after bit. awfully messy, not to mention i imagine painful.
But hey. each to their own. my husband wouldn’t touch me from the moment we found out, until weeks after. and our first time after our first child went so badly we didn’t try again for months. LOL
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I’m in my 39th week of pregnancy and while it doesn’t appeal to me, there is a lot of advice out there that a blast of oxytocin from an orgasm speeds up labor and makes it less painful. I’m sticking to natal hypnotherapy breathing techniques but just putting it out there…
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There are other ways to achieve orgasm apart from having intercourse in the delivery room.
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We were told in pre-natal class that it’s specifically something in the semen that ripens the cervix. If you were feeling that way inclined.
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I was having sex till the end of both of my pregnancies for 2 reasons. 1. because I wanted to and I felt damn sexy when I was about to drop haha and 2. because I wanted to bring on labour.
I’d been told and read about the semen ripening the cervix and with my second my Dr advised me to have sex as she was a big believer in it bringing on labour. She also told it had to be good for me too as in I had to orgasm. Seemed to work both times
As for in the delivery room, no thanks. Both of my labours were quick and I barely got time to get a deep breath in between contractions. I had no tearing and wasn’t in pain after my second. I was walking around shortly after to have a shower but with all the blood and gunk etc down there I didn’t feel like letting anyone down there!!
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I stood at the business end both times. There was NOTHING, NOTHING about that blood bath inside a charnel house inside an abbatoir that got me hot whatsoever.
The only position that I was interested in was foetal, and I’m not talking about the baby. More involving me and more involving rocking backwards and forwards a little.
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Haha. I heard a comedian describing the view at the business end as ‘watching your favourite pub burn down’.
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Thats gold!!
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I have a friend who is a midwife who caught a couple having sex in the bathroom one day after the birth of their child. She heard what she thought were distressing sounds coming from the bathroom and caught them in the act. The woman told her that it was a cultural thing; that the man was expected to have sex with his wife soon after birth to let her know ‘who was still in charge’ and that her husband should always come first, even ahead of the baby. I just felt so incredibly sad for that women.
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That’s really … horrible =(
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That sounds like the friend of a friend who is asking for advice, because she’s 6 months out (I think) and the husband had a vasectomy, but has to have vaginal sex with her (apparently a blow or hand job doesn’t suffice) because of “build up of protein” in his testicles. And she’s totally bought it – even though she finds it incredibly painful! Poor thing.
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Next time she and her husband are at a doctors appointment about the pregnancy together she should bring this up and ask the doctor to confirm this “protein build up” thing in front of the husband. The doctor will promptly tell her that this is absolute nonsense. The husband can hardly say that he is right and the doctor is wrong.
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My sister used to work as security at the Royal Women’s and apparently they had to escort men of some ethnic origins out of the hospital on numerous occasions in order to prevent them from having sex with there wives. Apparently it is a power thing and also gives the men some added potency/power.
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If you are up for it, go for it I say.
Lucky you. Not everyone is able to. But everyone’s circumstances are different.
Though if you have been medically recommended to with hold, probably best to do so. The consequences may not be nearly has fun.
But, if you are going to do it in hospital it is best to do so respectfully
I suggest
1. If you are not in a private room, don’t do it. A shared room with curtains for privacy….not enough privacy!! Respect the poor buggers sharing the room with you. And i’m not just talking about patients in hospital having babies.
2. If youdo have a private room..please ask for private time so we don’t walk in on you. Please.
3. Clean up after yourselves. Please.
As for women during/post birth, you may find that it is frowned upon by staff, Purely in their efforts to ensure the women in not under duress. It’s a vulnerable time for women, and exhausting, not everyone is able to speak up for themselves enough in such a situation to deny an amorous husband.
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I know a man that went out to celebrate the birth of his first child and came back to the hospital, climbed into his wife’s bed and said, so lets make number 2…..she kicked him out of bed and sent him home in a taxi.
That was 30 years ago, they are still happily married, and yes did eventually have number 2.
She does like to remind him about it though
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Mother from my mothers group & her hubby had sex on the night out during her hospital stay, post baby. They ended up having 5 kids in 5 years. What got me was that he was grossly overweight and needed to upgrade his deodorant. Could not fathom what she saw in him. But he thought he was Brad Pitt.
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Can I just point out the obvious? Besides the pain, what about the bleeding? I don’t know if other women experienced this, but I was going through maternity pads on a less than hourly basis for the first few days.
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I felt so many things straight after I delivered my child – joy, fear, bliss, awe, shock, elation, exhaustion, petrified, powerful, clever, scared you name it.
But the one thing I did not feel…was horny. Nope. Not one little bit.
If anything it was the opposite, knowing full well what got me into that situation in the first place!
Luckily for me I have the power to express my thoughts to my husband with just a look. Just one look. I’m sure he hinted at some stage over the ensuing weeks but yep one raised eyebrow is all it takes to communicate ‘no’. Or more specifically “are you freakin for real?”
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This is probably quite naive of me (I’m 24, never been pregnant) but wouldn’t your vagina still be going back to its original size in the hours/days after giving birth? I always imagined that giving birth to a baby would seriously stretch it out and that it would probably take a long time (and lots of pelvic floor exercises) for it to return to the way it was pre-birth. Can women who’ve had a baby comment on this?
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Hi mine seemed to go back straight away.. Cervix and uterus take about 6 weeks to return to normal size
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How do you know?
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I always assumed that sex would be painfull after giving birth for some weeks – stitches or no stitches.
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It depends on muscle tone. If your pelvic floor muscles are strong prior to birth, then unless there’s lots of damage (hopefully not) things go back back normal, generally speaking. It differs from person to person, but the vagina is only REALLY stretched for a fairly short period of time. I’ve had to do plenty of internal examinations on women just after birth, and there’s definitely enough muscle tone that with two fingers inside you can feel the muscle pressure from the vaginal walls.
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I love your and faybians comments on these posts. Pure fact.
Great to have midwife input
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Ah, thanks!
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This isn’t a comment about the story, rather a comment on the comments.
It saddens me that so many women are quick to lambaste husbands because they want sex with their wives, regardless of the circumstances. Saying how inconsiderate they are for requesting it after childbirth. How about actually explaining to men what has happened to your body after birth? Seeing as they don’t own a vagina how are they to know until you tell them?
And for those criticizing Me Myself and I’s husband for almost being in tears. Shame on you. She’s clearly said she was happy to, and yet you still insist on insulting her husband. You have no idea when the last time she was intimate with her husband, you have no idea what their situation is, so being so negative towards her husband isn’t right.
I’m in the process of writing a post which I’m hoping Mamamia will publish regarding being on the other end of sexual rejection. I realise this is directly talking about child birth, but if some people are in a position to have sex straight after giving birth, who are we to judge?
I’m well aware I’m going to get caned for this comment, but quite frankly I don’t care.
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Thank you Cupcake – I logged back in to say what a storm in a teacup. It was a smidge tongue in cheek but lost on a few!
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I was thinking exactly the same thing. Men and women both like to feel desirable and desired. When men ( and women), in situations where they are constantly rejected for months and months and months on end, you can’t blame them for getting upset and even going elsewhere. I certainly don’t. (BTW, I not talking about saying no in the weeks after having a baby, I’m talking about the people who get rejected months and months after).
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I’m not sure if it’s what you mean but your comment can almost be read as you saying women should just be grateful that they get to have sex, even if it’s just after having a baby.
And Me Myself and I did not say she was happy, she said she ‘agreed’ and finished her comment with ‘sigh’.
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I’ve just re-read what I’ve written and I don’t see how that can be construed as me saying that women should be grateful they get to have sex. My point is that, and I’ve read it so many times on this website, that women are so quick to brush off their husbands with regards to sex, because they don’t want it.
I realise that childbirth is a completely different thing, but I don’t agree with people being outraged that husbands would want to have sex with their wives after giving birth.
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yeah…no…I didn’t get that from your comment at all.
I understood what you were saying.
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“…women are so quick to brush off their husbands with regards to sex, because they don’t want it. ”
Oh yes, because women should have sex with their husbands if their husbands want it, even if they don’t want it. Because… why exactly? It’s our duty? Because a man is completely incapable of feeling loved or cared for by his partner unless he’s having sex with them, right at that moment?
Can you please elaborate on your views, I’m having a huge difficulty in wrapping my head around them.
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ithis I don’t think cupcake means women should always say yes to their husbands at all times. but I think she feels the feelings of the person in a couple who wants sex are just as real, valid, and worth respecting as the feelings of the person who does not want sex. some women in thses forums with low interest in sex seem to totally write off the validity of a wish for sexual contact and seem to have no interest in hearing or understanding those feelings.
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Low interest in sex because one has just given birth or is in labour is a lot different to a low interest in sex in general.
If one partner has a high libido and the other a low one, that is for the couple to work out together, not simply a case of the person with the low libido having to do it when they don’t want to, because the high libido’ed peron “needs it”.
Don’t couples communicate any more? Being in a partnership is a lot more than occupying the same dwelling and the occasional sex romp, people need to communicate from the early stages in the relationship and figure out what works for BOTH of them.
In any case, no person should ever be pressured into having sex if they don’t want to (for whatEVER reason!). If the person with the high libido is feeling that terribly hard done by or unnapreciated then perhaps they need to re-assess the relationship in its entirety. There is no justification for anyone to have to have sex if they don’t want to. There is NO justification for anyone to pressure another person into sex if they don’t want to.
Yes both sets of feelings are valid. However it comes down to two choices – the person who wants it getting it and the person who doesn’t is basically doing it under duress OR the person who wants it doesn’t get it and they might feel unloved but you know what – at least in that scenario no one is being pressured into having sex that they don’t want to have. Are you getting me?
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I think that is why so many people cheat and have affairs. If you don’t want to have intimate relations with your partner, ever, the relationship isn’t going to survive. It isn’t rocket science as you say.
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The issue I take with the comments is the fact the people, mainly women, are so quick to blast the husbands for even entertaining the idea of having sex with their wives. As you can see by the article and some of the comments, some women are actually up for it.
Now I can completely understand those who have just given birth to not be interested in having sex, but to insinuate a man is abusive and controlling purely because he wants to have sex with his wife is ridiculous.
And with regards to my comment “women are so quick to brush off their husbands” I meant what I said. For some reason if a woman isn’t interested in sex, the it’s ok and the husband should just deal with it. But what if the shoe was on the other foot? What if the wife wanted it, but the husband didn’t? Should the wife just deal with it?
I was that wife. I was the one who went without, and I just had to deal with it. I’m telling you now, that it’s completely unacceptable to write something off just because you aren’t interested. It’s not all about the one person. Ever.
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Sorry, but my opinion is that any man who wants to have sex with his wife during labour or immediately after giving birth and in ANY way pushes the issue when the wife does not want to have sex under those circumstamces IS controlling and in some ways abusive.
There is NOTHING wrong with a husband wanting to have sex with his wife IN GENERAL. Nothing at all. There is everything wrong with a husband forcing, cajoling, pressuring etc his wife into having sex in ANY situation where she is uncomfortable or not willing, and especially in this particular circumstance.
If the wife wanted it and the husband didn’t – OF COURSE the wife should just deal with it. Christ, you can’t always get what you want in this life, and a relationship is about compromise. Why you would ever want to pressure your partner into doing something they didn’t want to just so you can get your rocks off in some base animal urge is beyond me – you’re meant to LOVE this person!
If you are in a relationship and you are “going without” and it is THAT important to you that you can’t handle not having it, then you need to perhaps face that your current relationship is not right and you need to break up and find a partner whos needs more closely match your own. So, sorry you had a relationship where your partner didn’t give you as much sex as you wanted, but no amount of pressuring them to give you more sex would have helped/saved that relationship, would it? Because the person getting pressured for more sex just keeps getting unhappier, as is the more highly sexed person who isn;t getting enough. Sometimes you just have to face the music and realise that the person you’re with isn’t suited to you in that way, So either make allowances or end it and look for someone more suited to you. It isn’t rocket science.
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I completely agree with this.
A lot of women are really cruel in the ways they say no as well. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a female friend or family member react with disgust and anger when their partners try to show them affection. If you really, really don’t want to be touched or hugged or kissed, just gently tell the poor guy that. There’s no need to act like he’s a leper, tell him to fuck off and shoot him death stares. I can’t imagine how hurt I would be if someone I loved treated me like that, and I know these women would have an almighty meltdown if their partners ever gave them a taste of their own medicine.
I feel like a lot of women forget (or have just never given it a thought) that men have feelings too.
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Of course if someone pushes the issue that’s unacceptable. Are you actually reading my comments?? At no point did I say that a wife should put out just because her husband wants her to. But I give up. Clearly you aren’t prepared to actually read what I wrote, instead taking one thing that you think I said, and running with that.
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“Clearly you aren’t prepared to actually read what I wrote, instead taking one thing that you think I said, and running with that.”
Been happening a bit lately, Cuppy.
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All the time Kris. All the time
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I agree with you about sex generally- but I do not agree with straight after child birth. they have seen the baby coming out, your vagina stretched the river of blood oozing, the pain, the fatigue, the screaming. I am thinking you would have to be one daft bloke not the figure out penetrative sex is off the cards for a bit. I think the pre natal lessons point out sex is off the cards for about 6 weeks. I really think this is one time men should just self service and shut up. Not everything is about them.
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I do think most men understand that, and those that do not are usually partnered with women who are just as clueless (eg. the type who’ve gained 30kgs throughout their pregnancy yet plan on wearing their skin-tight pre-pregnancy skinny jeans home).
But I know women who act like their husbands are disgusting perverts for simply *wanting* to have sex (not asking, certainly not demanding, just not pretending their libido has vanished). Women who act like it’s obscene for their husband to enquire about when they might be ready. Women who refuse sex on the grounds that they gave birth many months after they’ve been given the all clear from doctors. Women who seem to think having a baby earns them a get out of sex card until they decide they want another baby.
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iamevilcupcake – I could not agree MORE with you!
GOD FORBID husbands who want sex with their wives, even after childbirth – like you said, unless explained, a lot of men wouldn’t know the toll childbirth presumably takes on your body (as mentioned in another post, no kids, wouldn’t have a clue).
I get the impression for some women that once they have the baby, there isn’t a whole lot of use for poor old hubby anymore.
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High Five Cupcake!
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It is interesting though iamevilcupcake that not one single woman has said they wanted sex during or within 30 minutes of giving birth. A couple of commenters have said they wanted sex a day or two later, and as someone who has given birth a few times, but been blessed to not have had stitches, I can understand that. No-one has said they wanted sex during or immediately after labour though. I have an open mind on this, no judgement at all, and would like to know others’ experiences.
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I did, and said as much in a comment further down.
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iamevilcupcake, are you really suggesting that men do not know that a women’s vagina may be rather sore after pushing through a 3kg baby?? Do we really need to tell men that? I don’t think all men are that ignorant or naive!
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All I’m saying is that not all men know what to expect after childbirth, neither do all women know what to expect.
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That’s a really good point, cuppy – how many posts have there been here with women talking about how surprised they were about some of the stuff they learnt about childbirth, like, you bleed for ages after, or that you don’t just go back to what you were like straight after. Unless the blokes were really involved, they likely wouldn’t know. If WOMEN can have babies and be amazed they still have a tummy afterwards, you know, why be surprised that some blokes are ignorant of the nitty gritty?
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I don’t think you need to be a genius to work out that pushing a baby through your vagina may cause some residual pain afterwards. Even the most uneducated or naive man or woman could surely reach that conclusion without having to experience it.
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Not sure of the post names, but there have certainly be a couple here previously where people have confessed to what they were ignorant of. People are really naive.
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I think a person would have to be pretty dense to not be able to figure it out but. It’s a really basic part of life.. baby coming out of vagina = blood and pain.
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You know what, before I had children I would have agreed with you wholeheartedly. The idea of constantly rejecting my husband was so completely ludicrous and foreign to me. I was hot for him and we had a very healthy sex life.
Then I became pregnant and everything changed. This is one of those things that if you’ve never been pregnant you would find hard to understand as your body has literally never had the cavalcade of hormones that come with pregnancy and birth crashing through it. Even now it’s hard to articulate how you can be so in love with a gorgeous man who does everything right but have absolutely no desire to have sex with him. And it goes beyond just being tired or ‘not in the mood’…there was a time where I felt that I could live my life perfectly happy never to have sex again.
It’s the hormones, totally the hormones. And as much as I wanted to please my husband I just couldn’t do it. And as much as I tried to explain to him he just couldn’t understand. He didn’t have those ridiculous hormones messing with his system and so he couldn’t grasp why I struggled so much to ‘take one for the team’ or to do it for him. And even though I loved him even more as I watched him blossom as a father, and even though he looked at me with love and awe that I’d produced our darling baby it was one of the most difficult periods of our marriage to date. Of course he was upset that our sex life was suffering and I understood that but it just didn’t provide the magic switch to return to some normalcy. I found with all three of my pregnancies that as soon as I stopped breastfeeding my body shifted and I was back in the sack.
So, after all that, I think women need to be understanding of men who are struggling a bit with their partners ‘rejecting’ them (though incidentally I hate that phrase. I was never rejecting my husband but just the idea of having sex) but I think men and women also need to be understanding of women who go off sex for a bit for a very valid reason. And I do think the men just have to suck it up a bit and cope…after all, they played a big part in sending their partners hormones round the twist and back again.
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I would wonder if men who were there at the birth of their child didn’t get some understanding of what had happened to their partner’s body. There’s a joke around that for some men watching your child born is like seeing your favourite pub burn down. Some men feel quite traumatised by childbirth too.
I understand How damaging sexual rejection can be, but I think childbirth, illness and surgery are not really time for a partner to be reassured of their desirability.
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6 months on, still not interested.
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6 years and still not interested………
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5 months on still not interested……:(
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6 Years!!!!! Not being rude, but do you all still have partners, husbands?
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Or perhaps arrangements – ie open relationships should the other person still be interested but you are not?
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not something I would do but don’t be so judgemental. I had 2 kids taken when they were born and put straight in special care nursery.
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Ouch ouch ouch!! My partner tried a few times about 5 weeks in and it still bloody hurt, was about 8-9 weeks before he could fully do the deed, even then he had to be gentle. But I must admire the men who want to go there so soon after seeing it in such different state. He’s a keeper!
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I gave birth 8 weeks ago and was shocked that the lady in the bed next to me had to tell her partner that they couldn’t do it “here”, just after she was moved from the delivery suite onto the ward, after 18 hours of labour. Ironically she spent the rest of the next day telling her friends about how much she was hurting, so I don’t think he got any after I left the hospital either.
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Wow. I was too scared to poo for a week after giving birth, for fear of popping stitches, let alone have sex!
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Haha, in my experience, that first poo was waaay worse than the first time having sex.
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Jeezus. That’s one way to put me off childbirth. Forever.
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Yeah, at that stage I was so worried about something soft coming out of my backside, there was no way I could fathom something hard going in my frontside!
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*tea snort*
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Can’t wait to hear more proof of this from midwives!
Obviously this urge is actually a very real part of that (apparently very long) spectrum we call “normal.” Who’d have thought? Lol.
Although I was at the other end of this spectrum, I can’t criticise others for being different, as long as the woman was truly willing.
Good luck to us all!
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What about the risk of infection, etc?
When I had cervical cancer surgery last year I wasn’t allowed to have sex for 6 weeks afterwards. And that was something my surgeon would NOT budge on. It was six weeks to the day. And that was literally a tumour removal the size of maybe a 10 cent piece, immediately cauterized at the site so no open wound or anything.
I’d think infection / toxic shock etc would be a real worry when it comes to the “just given birth” shaggers. Are there any doctors or midwives on here that can give an indication as to how dangerous this might be infection / hygeine-wise?
For the record, my stance is that there are just some places that you don’t have sex, or subject other people into possibly having to see or hear you doing it. You know, just like it’s not appropriate to have a quickie in your car in the carpark waiting to collect your child from school, or in the cool room at your local bottle-o, or on a park bench in the middle of a busy park. Time and a place! Because let me tell you, not one of those people who has to see / hear you doing it is enjoying it. They’re just thinking what a rude inconsiderate couple you are. Honestly, we are not animals, save it at least until you’re on your own turf. Human beings can CONTROL their sexual urges (no matter what your husbands are telling you) so bloody well exercise that control.
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Yes – an issue which hasn’t really been addressed by other commenters. Having sex in a hospital bed with only a thin hospital curtain surrounding your bed as privacy is completely inappropriate, regardless of whether you’ve just delivered a baby or not. People need to control themselves. I would be thoroughly disgusted to hear two strangers in the bed next to me going at it while I am lying there with my newborn baby.
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I find the idea of people having sex straight after birth, or even in the couple of weeks following, to be quite sickening. Regardless of what type of birth you experienced, there is a fair amount of post partum bleeding that happens in the weeks after having a baby, not to mention the increased risk of getting some kind if infection because things haven’t had a chance to heal. There is a reason Drs advise you to go without sex for up to 6 weeks. If my husband tried to pressure me into having sex too early I’d make him wait longer.
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The key part is ‘up to’ 6 weeks. I was given the all clear less than two weeks after my vaginal birth and a week after my C-section.
I bled very heavily for the first few days, but after that it was just like having the last day of my period drawn out for three weeks. A little spotting here and there, occasionally a bigger gush, but it was nothing compared to the first day or two of my periods and I have sex during those.
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I had a lady ask me if I could tell her husband he couldn’t touch her until Christmas. It was July…. I refused that one. I have explained to partners why we reccomend delaying intercourse and reintroduction of sex (hormones etc) and I hope it’s helped.
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Oh dear God. My husband went without ‘it’ for the whole duration of my first pregnancy and six months into our son’s first year. If he even suggested a shag or made a move, I suggested tying a knot in it or I would get out the rusty knife in the kitchen drawer and cut it off.
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That’s just lovely.
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Jesus, the poor bloke.
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Ditto
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30 minutes post-delivery my partner and I were gazing adoringly at our beautiful son… Some people have strange priorities.
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Ewwww at least 4 weeks if not six I think
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I had sex on the night I returned from hospital ( after 5 days in) with each of my 3 children. I had c sections for all three and I was very keen to have sex largely as the surgery has not hurt that much. In fact I was going to suggest it to my husband on our “night out” (where the mid wives look after the baby and let you go to a restaurant) after the first one but thought he might be a bit shocked. What was I thinking – he would have loved it! He certainly does NOT pressure me into sex, we ask each other if we feel like it and if either doesn’t, that is it, no sex. I have had surgery around my vulva for a cyst – gap before having sex was much longer then so if I had an episiotomy or tear I would probably not be keen.
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See, that I can understand. But during labour? 30 minutes post-partum? That I do not understand.
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Nevermind the state of your vagina where the hell is the poor baby while this is happening? The poor darlings just been squeezed out and pushed aside 30 mins later while mum and dad get it on?
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Yes, I pity a baby that can’t even hold it’s parents attention for the first 30 minutes of it’s life.
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What baby?! There was a baby here?!
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Best comment I have read so far. LOL.
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I have heard of this from a Doctor friend of mine. Apparently it is quite common in certain cultures. I.e. in cultures which are not always known for respecting women
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My sister in law was a nurse midwife in the South of Sydney twenty years ago and she said that often the nurses would walk in on men of a certain culture climbing on their wives straight after birth. They said they didn’t think the new mother wanted it and they would tell them to get off and leave the mother alone for a while.
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Hearing that, just makes me so sad.
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That is so sad it makes me want to cry. Those poor women, treated as nothing more than a piece of meat, by their own husbands.
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Its also very common in relationships where there is domestic violence. It’s the perpetrators way of regaining control very quickly after something that he largely has no control over (labour, childbirth). When it happens in hospital, there is often threats involved regarding the safety of the child.
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Yes, I’ve seen more of the domestic violence related sex in hospital and have known of women having to represent to ED after coerced intercourse at home to have their tears/episiotomies re repaired. A colleague told of one lady (in a country town) that came back three times for this reason and the doctor told the husband he would call the police if she came back and that he was to leave her alone for 6 weeks now.
People are silly enough to have sex in any hospital ward, but directly after childbirth just astounds me.
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I’d be very interested to hear from women who have wanted to have sex during labour and immediately after labour. I have enough friends who work in obstetrics to know sex happens at these times, but we suspect that it’s the man who wants sex and the woman who obliges. We also suspect that there is some form of intimidation or unhealthy power play occuring. Perhaps we’re wrong. Considering the frequency of the labour room sex act, I’d feel much more at ease with the state of equality in sexual politics if even one woman responded saying she felt like having sex and wasn’t just taking one for the team.
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It kind of makes sense… firstly sex is an enjoyable thing… it would make you feel a lot better naturally… childbirth is also really intimate. and if that wasnt your experience I would encourage you to try and make it that way next time… I had lots of cuddles and support from my husband and my midwife just encouraged him with what might help me…. childbirth is very emotional… most of the time very happy emotions! You can see how it could happen… but I haven’t heard anyone even touch of the effects that gas can have… I wonder if that would lead to having sex as well. I am not one who would have sex during labor in a hospital… but after reading this I actually wonder if I would try it at home… but afterwards I wouldn’t do it straight away especially in hospital, afterall there is a time and place… the quickest I have had sex is 4 days after… and I must say it was beautiful.
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I’ve never given birth, but I hear it ain’t pretty or comfortable ‘down there’ after the big event. But aside from that, aren’t these couples a bit cheeky doing their thang in a reasonably un-private setting?
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Surely these women are being pressured into it? I can’t imagine there are any women who would actually want to have sex straight after giving birth. I’d even go so far as to call any man who has sex with a woman under those circumstances an abuser.
Am I wrong? Are there actually women who want to have sex then?
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I was dying for sex after I gave birth. The combination of adrenalin and the massive, intense rush of love I felt for my partner was intoxicating. I was all torn up, so couldn’t, but we did other things that night (very willingly on my part, he took some convincing). Thankfully I healed very quickly and we were back in the swing of things two weeks later.
Everyone’s different. I’m at the extreme end of the scale, but so are couples who don’t have sex (or even fool around a little) for 6+ months afterwards, and everyone acts like that’s totally normal, a good thing even.
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Wow, I am wrong. Guess we really are all different.
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Yes, the adrenalin rush and the relief of birth combined with the love for the baby and my partner were a huge aphrodisiac for me too. I had stitches each time, though, so physically it wasn’t a great idea, but mentally I was there. Then, by the time I healed up a week or so later I was so dead tired there was no way.
It took us a while to get into the swing of things the first time round, but by the third baby I think it was about 3-4 weeks. He’s a great dad, too, which I find makes me love him more.
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I tend to agree, that not having sex or any intimacy for months and months and month after having a baby, is seen as ok, when actually I think that’s odd. I just read one woman wouldn’t let her husband touch her while pregnant the whole time plus 6 months after! That is extreme to me. I feel for the husbands in these situations.
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Yep, I thought that was weird too
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Yup that’s an awfully long time.
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I would have been up for it during early labour, it was quite boring and it would have taken my mind off what was happening, but unfortunately it all went to crap and I was rushed off for an emergency c-section.
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My friends thought I was insane because we had sex a few weeks after I gave birth!
But RIGHT after? Eeewww!
Straight after all I could think was “how do women do that without an epi?” And “did I really promise to name my daughter after the anaesthetist?” (His name was George!).
And I’m pretty sure all my husband was thinking was “gee, I did good. I made a beautiful baby” followed closely by “I wonder what the cricket score ended up being?”
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Readnign the comments here is a contraceptive in itself!
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Well they don’t show THAT on One Born Every Minute!
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Oh lord no! I think we waited 4 or 5 weeks with the first and maybe 3 or 4 with the second. As for in the delivery room there are 2 words that come to mind when thinking about sex there- ouch (i had stitches)and gross(so much blood!)!!!
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We had sex 6 days after birth. My husband was nearly in tears cos he was hanging out for a shag. I was lucky in no stitches and not much else happening down there so agreed. Made sure there was heaps of lube, and my husband was eternally grateful, sigh.
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I’m sorry but that turns my stomach. There is no way I let my hubby near me until I was completely confident that i was ready and recovered. This is the time in your marriage when your needs override any sexual needs he thinks he has. By the ‘sigh’ at the end of your comment I gather you weren’t very happy about this
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Nearly in tears? Seriously! Isn’t that a line that 16 years use on their equally naive girlfriends.
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Couldn’t you have just handed him a copy of Playboy and sent him to the bathroom? Honestly, what an inconsiderate of he must be.
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There are other ways you could have ‘relieved’ your husband besides having full on sex.
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I think it depends on the birth and how you recover afterwards.
After my 3rd child we had sex six days afterwards. I was pain free and had barely bled at all after the birth.
I didn’t feel pressured in anyway and thoroughly enjoyed myself!
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Your husband was nearly in tears? How utterly manipulative of him, in my humble opinion. What was his issue? The imaginary pain of imaginary blue balls? Or just the “psychological stress” of going without? I am very interested to know how he presented this to you. I believe human beings are capable of going without sex for an entire lifetime if necessary, what makes your husband so different that he’s pressuring you into having sex six days after birth? I use the word “pressuring” as the tone of your comment makes it seem as though you weren’t actually at all interested in doing it, moreso relented because of his tears?
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If you are not a man, how do you know that men don’t experience “blue balls” or any discomfort at all? I disagree that we are capable of going without for an entire lifetime. Maybe those who have no sexual urges or desires or anything maybe. But those people are very few and very far between.
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Ever heard of masturbation?
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“If you are not a man, how do you know that men don’t experience “blue balls””
If it existed as a physical condition, doctors would know about it.
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It is. It’s called vascocongestion.
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that’s funny… there used to be a symptom of “hysteria” known as “genital congestion”, which was treated by doctors masturbating women.
True story, that’s where the vibrator came from – but does it really exist?
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Females deal with vasocongestion every single month. It’s called period pain. It is a LOT more severe than any case of “blue balls”. We deal with it, we get over it, so should you.
Oh, and vaosongestion is also what allows the penis to develop an erection. So, you kind of need it.
But yes, you are technically correct in that it is a swelling of bodily tissues caused by increased vascular blood flow and a localized increase in blood pressure, in this case around the testes. However, the sensation of vasocongestion in this particular sense could be described as “low range cramp” at worst, except in very severe cases.
So to say that denying a man sex is painful is still very incorrect. As is the attitude behind it. But nice try.
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Let me assure you quite firmly that the very worst ‘blue balls’ you may experience has NOTHING on crowning a baby. And allowing your loved partner to recover from that is called manners.
If you (or your partner in the case of women) do not ‘allow’ this type of recovery think VERY CLEARLY as to whether it is love and run. Run like the wind. Because having a baby is the single hardest thing to do on this earth and you need love and support not some man who claims ‘blue balls’.
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I am female, but I experience something like this man. if I am aroused and I ask my partner for sex, and she turns me down, I often shed some tears. it’s not that I am overly upset, it feels more like a physical, non voluntary reaction. it is definitely not a manipulative act, it’s just something which happens to me.
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My husband for the last 2 months of my pregnancy when I was hot and fat in the humid Brisbane summer and then for the first 8 weeks after birth, very discreetly consulted Redtube on a regular basis. And said nothing to me about sex or lack of it. I approached him when I was ready.
Considering that people go for a long time between shags when single, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for some downtime in a relationship.
I really feel very sorry for you.
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I had the most sex when I was single.
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weird. as for sex afterwards, if you have had a c section you are relatively in tact so to speak, so yes its possible to have sex soon afterwards. certainly not 30mins post delivery,that is just a bit weird. i have 12 months between my youngest two which def gave people something to talk about!
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Relatively intact??? Ummm no. You apparently haven’t had one, maybe?
You can walk maybe but moving the middle of your body is tentative at best, torture at worst.
I didn’t even have much pain after my c section but its damn uncomfortable and you need to be careful moving about.
Sex is the last thing I would have and my hubby wouldn’t dream of it til I was healed as he doesn’t want me in pain or uncomfortable during sex.
Geez!!! What is wrong with those selfish husbands!!!
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I barely experienced any pain after my C-section. In fact the pain meds made me feel worse than the actual pain. A week after the surgery I kept being shocked when I saw the scar as I’d totally forgotten about it. Obviously that’s not everyone’s experience, but it was mine, and sex was on the cards very quickly.
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Exactly. Surely these men can just help themselves out while their partners uterus heals or c section wound is still numb!
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why does everyone assume its just the men wanting sex?
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yes in tact as far as your vagina goes
and no I am not one to put out just because my husband might want it. Ive had two c sections and healed quickly. I drove after two weeks as well!
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I believe there is still some risk of infection having sex straight after a c’section. Same with a hysterectomy.
I didn’t have a lot of pain after a c’section, and I was cleared to drive early at 2 weeks, but the dr still wouldn’t clear me for sex.
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Of course it’s ‘possible’, but any good Dr will advise you to wait…
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yep, another one here who had great and fast recoveries but sorry, that’s just silly – it doesn’t matter if you’re in pain or not, the incision needs time to heal, your internal work needs time to heal, post partum bleeding to stop (which is why no tampons, or as my doctor said ‘nothing up your vagina please’! Infection). There is a reason they advise no exertion, and specifically ignoring advice seems a little foolhardy to me.
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Things I wanted to do in the delivery room
1: kick the obstetrician in the face
2. Reach up into my OWN uterus and pull the baby forcibly from it.
3. Ingest as much anti-emetic medication as humanly possible without dying
4. Trade places with my partner.
Things I did not want to do in the delivery room:
1. Make small talk with the unbearably perky midwife or her student.
2. Hear the phrase ‘just breathe through it’ EVER AGAIN!
3. Have sex – I still don’t particularly want to do this 8 months on. WTF!!
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Unbelievable! This is just gross. The ‘conditions’ down there were not very sex friendly after birthing my kids. I can’t believe anyone would respect themselves or their partner so little as to do this during or straight after giving birth!
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