Ange and Avalon
When I fell pregnant with Avalon I was 24. It was a mixed bag of emotions, I was excited, happy, nervous, and worried about – and in love with – how my life would change. And I have to admit, I was a little freaked out that I would have to give up the life all my non-baby friends were living. I knew it would be a life changing experience, but I had a supportive partner and family and I figured it would all be okay. While I had heard about Post Natal Depression I doubted I would experience something so traumatic.
After giving birth to our beautiful daughter, around day 4 the ‘baby blues’ hit me. They hit me hard. They hung around for months and I pottered along thinking ‘wow, will this ever end? It must be normal’. I was terribly sleep deprived, could never muster any energy to get off the couch – let alone smile or feel happy. I felt like a bad mother. I loved my daughter so much, but I didn’t want to breastfeed, and I just wanted to be alone. I would burst out crying for no reason, and I didn’t want to be in a mother’s group, as I wasn’t enjoying this new role of motherhood. Why didn’t someone snap me out of it?
I finally cracked one day, after watching everyone around me look and seem happy. I wanted that feeling again, so I went to the doctors. I was diagnosed with PND and was prescribed anti-depressants. I was relieved. I had been ‘diagnosed’ and I thought that the pills would fix everything. I certainly didn’t feel sad anymore. I didn’t have that lurking sense of emptiness and loneliness but I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I told some of my immediate family, and got mixed reactions. I guess everyone has different reactions to ‘depression’ of any kind. For me, the anti-depressants weren’t the fix long term, and I realized I wanted to feel some emotions again so I stopped taking them.
I tried talking to my partner, but he didn’t understand. I wanted to open up to my friends and family, but I thought that they wouldn’t understand either. I felt I was screaming for help but no one could hear me. We decided to move interstate when Avalon was 9 months old. Not really near anyone we knew, but my mum was an hour drive away, as was Sarah, my wonderful friend who had also had a daughter around the same time I did. Sarah was very supportive, she was funny and kind and when I finally came to the realisation that I was now a mum and my life had changed, she was there to help pull me out of my deep dark hole.
It took a few more months, some soul searching; more talking and opening up to finally overcome my PND. I sought comfort in my partner, my beautiful daughter, religion {for me it helped}, family, and friends. I realized that it was ok to talk about PND and finally I was no longer ashamed. Sure, I occasionally have an off day, but I love life again. Avalon is now 16 months old and I try and love her more and more each day. I love being a mum now and I love being happy again.
In the past I had had moments of great sadness, but I never really knew if it was depression. At the time I didn’t know who to talk to about it or if it was even worth talking about. Hindsight is a beautiful thing isn’t it?
I wish I had been more persistent with trying to talk to a friend, family, or professionals like PANDA {Post and Antenatal Depression Association}. Not only do women suffer from PND, but men also do. One in 7 mothers suffer from this and more women and men need to talk about it and receive more support. If you have a friend who you think seems pretty blue, down and out or having a bad day – talk to them, listen and keep your mind open. And if you feel something is wrong with your life – trust your instinct and don’t leave it too late.
For more information and tell tale signs visit these sites: Better Health Channel, One Woman’s Story, Beyond Blue.
Angie Heterick is a new full time mum and new wife, who spends any minute she can on her new blog A is for Love. She is a journalist but is heading back to studying next year to do her diploma in Visual Arts. She also loves watching ABC 2 and has a new passion for bright lipstick.
This week is Postnatal Depression Awareness week. If you or someone you know is suffering from PND please call PANDA on 1300 726 306 or contact your local GP.
Comments
41 Comments so far
It is great to read alot of these posts, you feel very much alone suffering by yourself but dont realise at the time there is an army of mums out there with exactly the same problems. My son was a traumatic birth many hours of labour massive stitches and huge blood loss – they handed him to me after a 27 hour struggle and i was in such shock that i didnt know how to take control let alone look after this little man- after 7 months of living in a cloud it finally lifted – i saw a homeopath who helped me alot, and we also moved overseas when he was 6 months old so I had to focus on the move – my second baby was a c-section 4.5 years later – i was terrifed to go through a natural dellivery again and frightened of the PND returning – they ended up giving me a GA as the epidural would not go in after 8 attempts. The difference of waking up and being handed a baby girl, while I was rested and not traumatised was massive – and I have had a much better experience second time round. All I can say is that PND is one of the worse types of depression and it does stop eventually – supportive partners/family are crucial – and also to remember that you are not alone, speak to the girls, speak to other mums, have the odd wine and do the things you used to do that dont involve kids…..best of luck to all of you – its a bloody hard struggle xx
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I have a little girl who just turned 1. I knew something was wrong on the second night I was staying at hospital. she wouldn’t stop crying when I fed her. Ignorantly assuming that a baby she sleep once they feed right? The fear and anxiety creeped into my body and stayed there for 5 months. When I got home I thought I was okay but I was so so wrong. The next morning when my husband bought our little girl into our bedroom I lost it. I was crying, hyperventilating and what can only be described as feeling like I was dying. I told him to get her away from me, that I didn’t want to see her or be near her. This as I found out later was a panic attack which I’d never experienced before. I sought help with the support of my husband family and friends almost immediately as I wasn’t functioning. I was too afraid to close my eyes and sleep and I was obsessed with my daughters sleep. It was the darkest period in my life. I sought help from my GP, the mchn who referred me to the enhanced program for women having difficulty with PND, a psychologist, PANDA and Beyond Blue. Can I just say that the women I spoke to at PANDA were a godsend. They were my lifeline. Initially I said no to antidepressants as I thought I could handle it but eventually went on them. What a huge difference they made. Today I am in such a different place I can’t believe I went through what I did. It shocks you to your core because being a mum was all I ever wanted to be. When I look at my daughters newborn pictures I still cry because I can’t remember so much of the early days and I feel pain and guilt for not being present. But you know what? The darkness does lift and you do get better. Please do not suffer alone and don’t feel ashamed. The mums I have met through my PND support group are some of the best mums I know and an amazing group of women. There is hope.
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Just a quick post to let you know that many women and men can access psychological help for PND through a referral by a GP. There are psychs anc mental health workers who will provide bulk billing for those who cannot afford to pay, and there is a new national government initiative ATAPS which links qualified and experienced practitioners who will provide therapy at no charge to the client. Sufferers of PND are one of the main target groups for this programme.
Best of luck in your journey.
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I got hit on day three I think, to be honest it’s a blur. But almost two years on and I (and my son & husband) are doing wonderfully well. In fact I feel more like ‘myself’ than I have for many years. I was medicated very early on because I was heading down a very dark road and do you know what, I still am medicated! It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I still feel highs and lows. I still have a normal range of emotions but I no longer feel like I have electricity running through my veins for 24 hours a day. I no longer panic when my son is in the next room rather than right beside me. I saw a psychologist a, a psychiatrist, another psychiatrist, a mental health nurse, my trusted GP, I went to a mothers group and had continuing visits from a child and youth health nurse and all of these things, along with medication, have helped me to recover and be the mother that I wanted to be, the person that I want to be.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you need help, please don’t be ashamed, if you need medication, take it. It’s not your fault. You are not a bad parent or a bad person, you just have some bad hormones and chemicals in your body. PANDA is a fantastic resource and when you feel no one could possibly understand there are people who do and you can access them through PANDA. xo
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Perfect timing…I have a beautiful 3 week old newborn boy.
He was born under traumatic circumstances and I suffered some pretty bad blood loss, which resulted in me needing some hard core iron supplements to avoid a blood tranfusion. The first couple of weeks have been super hard and I found myself in tears and feeling inadequate and not wanting to be a mum. This last week things started to improve on the inside except now the baby won’t sleep longer than an hour and my husband went back to work today – he’s on nights started at 3pm not home til 5pm tomorrow.
I feel like I am on the borderline of PND as I have good and bad phases through the day. If he won’t sleep I get so angry and frustrated and today told my husband I wouldn’t of had a baby if I knew it would be this hard.
I love my baby, but only when he is ‘easy’. I can’t believe how hard motherhood is – I’ve been through loads of tough times in life and manage a high pressure career but this gig is the hardest!
Anyway I hope this is just baby blues and that things get easier/better – I’m hanging out til he’s 6 weeks because apparently it gets easier then???
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It does get easier but I know this doesnt help much when you are living through this tough time now. Hang in there! Is there someone who you can look after the baby for a few hours while you get some rest? Your body is still recovering from the trauma of birth so please take care of yourself too.
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Hi Borderline, you almost exactly described my feelings in those early weeks. I loved my little man to bits, but found that most days one thing or another would set me into tears. Hang in there, it does get easier, and rest assured that what you’re feeling is understandable and more common than you might think. I didn’t seek any help for PND because I figured that the adjustment was responsible for my feelings and that it would pass as we settled into a routine. Which was true, but I also remember having thoughts of almost regret (if id realised it was this hard…) like you describe. My little man is now 2, truly the most awesome thing in my life, and I’m assuming my second baby due in march will be a breeze now that we know what to expect. Ha -I’m aware of how likely it is that I’ll eat those words.
I don’t know if anything I’ve said helps, I just wanted you to feel reassured that me and probably many others felt exactly what you feel. And it does get easier, so hang in there and talk to someone if you think it will help. x
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I felt very similar to you when my now ten month old baby boy was born. I spent alot of the first couple months crying and wishing I could take it back. He too only slept in short bursts throughout the day and I couldn’t believe how hard I found motherhood. I kept wishing he was older then felt guilty for thinking that. I went to my gp with my concerns and spent some time seeing a psychologist. I too was hanging out for six weeks… But for me 10 was the magic number. And it’s gotten better ever since. I still have days where I struggle but don’t all mothers? Hang in there, it does get better and easier but if you continue to feel this way, there are alot of helpful resources available xx
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I’m recovering from PND – I have 4 month old twins. Am on medication, have a great psychiatrist and psychotherapist, supportive family and great nannies helping out. Truly a team effort. I have learnt that you don’t have to suffer and if diagnosed with PND, the sooner you start medication, the sooner things will lift. It takes at least two weeks to see if a drug will work and then you may have to chop and change to find the right one for you (there are plenty of alternatives). So don’t soldier on alone – see your gp and get properly assessed. The sooner you get the right type of treatment, the sooner you can enjoy this precious time with your baby.
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Borderline, please phone PANDA. They can support you and direct you, and make sure that if you fall someone is there to catch you. I suffered PND 2 times and what you described seems very familiar to me. Speak to someone early and don’t wait for the magical 6 weeks. You may not have PND but it sounds like you should at least be monitored. PND week is all about recognizing the signs and responding. Don’t suffer in silence.
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Please don’t wait til 6 weeks to get help. Go and see your gp or child health nurse now and talk about how you feel. It may just be the baby blues or it may be pnd. A dr or nurse will be able to guide you the best.
I said the same thing as you. Kept telling myself that it will get better at 6 weeks and when it didn’t I would pick another time frame when I thought things would improve. It wasn’t until my little boy was 6 months that I realised things weren’t going to get better and I finally asked for help. I wish I had the courage to do something about it much earlier as I now realise it started in hospital.
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It’s tough being a new mum and sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who is not in the immediate loop of you family
The team on the help line at panda are fabulous give them a call even if it’s just to chat… If you are feeling borderline it’s really important to call them as they can steer you in the right direction
Love and wishes
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Thankyou everyone for your kind words of support! I am so happy that I am at a stage to talk, share and try to help others. I feel very humble that you read it and I truly hope it does help at the very least someone. Thankyou to those who checked my blog out too! xx
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With my first baby my husband suffered from PND – with this one we both are. It sucks.
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I had my first child 12 years ago when I was 23, and although I had plenty of support around me, my birth was a 3 day epic on and off contractions then an emergency caesarean. Breastfeeding just didn’t work and I felt like a total failure for a very long time. PND was not talked about and the internet was only in its early stages, I feel I would have been so much better off if I had the benefit of websites such as this and facebook to just say how I felt on a daily basis and not have what I perceived as judgement by others that had been able to have babies without any problems.
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I was only diagnosed with PND years after my kids were babies, when I had a breakdown.
It is very hard to recognise that things aren’t working for you when you have nothing to compare it to. I thought ALL mothers felt like I did and if I could just get some sleep then I would feel better.
I had sought help early on, but each time I was only considered borderline, and i was so convincing to the outside world that I was coping that no one worried about me and I did have a hard time taking professional advice.
It all came crashing down around me after a couple of years of being back at work. Trying to do the juggle, and deal with my depression eventually caught up with me in a terrible incident at work that left me unable to get out of bed.
Once I hit the bottom I was ok. I had a wonderful professional leadership coach at work who helped me get it back together and I got my life sorted without having to resort to drugs. She wasnt a psych but she had been through what I had and lived to tell the tale, and she had the experience that I hadn’t found in any other person.
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I just wanted to say, whilst I am incredibly grateful that I managed to avoid PND, that everyone who is or gets pregnant should make their loved ones (partner, parents, close friends) read the excellent PND materials they give out at the hospital (pretty sure I got them when I first booked in). My understanding is that from the inside, the person with PND can’t really see what’s happening. But those who are close to you should be able to pick the signs and suggest (or insist) that you seek help.
Early detection is so crucial to making sure that affected women don’t end up with the added guilt of ‘not being a proper mother’ for a long period of time.
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So true, Sharon. I’m a PND survivor and can attest to what you’ve said. Everyone should be educated about PND; it helps with identification, and also reduces the stigma around it.
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I completely relate to the feeling of screaming for help and nobody listening. The only time I have ever made good progress with PND/anxiety/depression is when I’ve sought the help for myself. My husband has Aspergers, so I don’t like to blame him for being unsupportive, but sometimes I can’t help feeling frustrated and lonely. I’m in a good place at the moment because I was sick of just scraping along and finally got the help I needed, but sometimes I think a little bit of support from anywhere, would go a long way. Great article, we can never get enough of this sort of info out there.
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| was very depressed when I had my son 8 years ago and didn’t know which way to turn. My relationship with my husband was a mess, even before the baby was born. I had no friends or family in the city I was living in. After the birth it was clear to the nursing staff that something was wrong, they kept me in for 5 days, in my own room, and even after that when I said I was ready to go home they were asking me if I was sure and saying I could stay longer. But at the same time, no-one referred me to a counsellor or anything like that. One doctor gave me a questionnaire to fill out, the Edinburgh something or other test. I still have it because even though I filled it out no-one came to collect it and I didn’t know who to give it to. I found it in some papers just the other day and was re-reading it. I even ticked yes on the box for the bit where they asked if I felt like killing myself. I really wanted help and feel like the system let me down. I know now that help is available but you’re got to be pro-active about finding it. What saved me is that my sister showed up from the other end of Australia 2 weeks later, without anyone having asked, and helped. She gave up her job and moved to my city for a few months. I think if she hadn’t shown up I probably wouldn’t have lasted, I really couldn’t cope and was too exhausted to think straight and not capable of finding the help I needed. I think the system for helping women needs to be better organized, it is too easy to fall through the cracks. Eg. When I left the hospital, because I’d stayed in for 5 days I wasn’t entitled to home midwife visits so there was no follow-up except the 10 day visit to the G.P. which was quite brief and about the baby, not me. And there needs to be more information put out there for pregnant women, info. on help-lines to call etc. It’s no good giving out the information later, if you’re busy and sleep-deprived you’re not necessarily going to have the energy for reading a bunch of leaftlets.
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I’m so sorry the system let you down anonymous and it is a big problem with all health services that often the ones who really need them are the ones who are just too sick to be able to access them.
Public health now looks at access as being just as important as providing services and is incorporating this into existing programs and new programs with a hope to improving access and establishing outreach services. However, there are budget restrictions on what can be achieved as always.
I’m glad your sister was such a wise woman and able to help you. I hope you and others like you never have to go through anything as awful as what you have been through again.
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Second thought: People are still slipping through the cracks so if you know a new mum, do the caring thing and learn the signs of PND and keep a watch for her … mums should never have to do PND without help from us.
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I’m not a mother and haven’t suffered from depression but I want to comment because I think it is incredibly irresponsible of someone’s family, friends or GP to try and put them off taking anti-depressant medication. I am so proud of friends who’ve had the courage to seek treatment for depression. If someone wants to stop you, or even is just silent on the subject and makes you feel weird about it, then even if you love that person, they’re not doing their best for you in this instance.
So it might not work – at least give it a try
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Angie Pants… what an incredibly brave and wonderful thing to do. No doubt this post will help countless numbers of mothers who are struggling to deal with their new role as a parent – and what a massive role it is. I am so proud of you. xxx
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I have had PND for nearly 2 years, since my daughter was born. I remember crying a lot early on. I remember going to my first mothers group and all the mums saying how much they love being a mum. I didn’t. I remember my partner asking me if I enjoyed being a mum, when my daughter was about 4 months old. I had to say no. I have seen a couple of counsellors. It didn’t really help. I didn’t take antidepressants because everyone I knoew told me not to. I have stumbled along through this journey alone, and my husband wants to leave. We had planned on having our baby girl for many years, and I was so excited in the lead up, I have no idea how it ended up like this. I feel like the system has let me down. My GP was useless. The counsellors didn’t help, and when I didn’t go back, noone checked up on me. It has shown me that really, we are alone in life, except now I have to raise my daughter, and try to make up to her for the past 2 years when I haven’t been the mother I wanted to be.
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I hope things get better for you. I was in the same boat as you, but was quite firm with my doctor and asked for, and took, medication. My in-laws have been fantastic as has my husband, but I haven’t told many other people.
Big hugs being sent your way.
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I have struggled with depression and depressive episodes in the past…Its tough! It feels relentless.
While you need to decide what is right for you with the help of your GP and your loved ones, I found that medication was good. Its not the final solution by any means. I found that it gave me some space from my feelings, and I was able to figure out what it was that I needed to feel myself again. I got there in the end.
I hope that things get better for you, big hugs.
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My GP and my maternal child health nurse were both completely useless when I had my first baby. Because of their incompetence I suffered through PND for a year without a diagnosis, and without help.
It was only when we moved to Melbourne and I had another baby, that I realised how much difference a good GP and MCHN make. They are essential in fact, for anyone who’s struggling. I know it’s hard when you’re depressed, but please, change GPs!
I found a great one– very switched-on to mental health issues, through the BeyondBlue web-site. I know it’s awful at the moment, but things will get better with time and support.
All the best to you.
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Hi greenmother. I’m so sorry that you have had this experience, and I can assure you you aren’t alone. I have two children 3 and 1. I had terrible pre and post ND. It was only my best friend tht noticed this when I was 37 wks…my husband and family didn’t really. Anyway I ignored it and just plodded along. My gp didn’t think it was a good idea to go on meds while breastfeeding so I only started taking them when he was 16 months old. I stiopped bf at 15 mnths but it took me ages to admit I needed the meds. My first year was so difficult – I struggled bigntime, and it is only now that I have a second that I can see that. I was always anxious, never wanting to be le alone at home with the bub as I was just nervous. To anyone external, they would have thought I was super mum…doing it all, smiling away. And of course imlove my son and it wasn’t all horrible every day, but yep it was a struggle. With my second I went on meds when she was 5 months old. Believe me, it was such a hard decision. I struggled for months before doing it. I called king Edwards memorial hosp, they have a research dept which has looked into which meds are ok for breastfeeding women.
The day I realized I couldn’t continue lime I was anymore? I’m a successful engineer who manages to do a lot, and for about three dys I would go to the shops and have no idea what I was there for. I called mynhusband crying cause I just had no idea…I was just standing th ere staring at shelves of stuff. He was a,amazing. the second and worst turning point…my son has a peanut allergy. We were rewarding his toilet training with lollies…I bought a packet of those little pod chocolate things…it was a snickers one. he has a bite, and started vomiting…I realized I had given my son peanuts and just lost it crying. How could I do something so irresponsible. Anyway, my husband, as always, amazing. Didn’t even blame me. Just hugged me, told me I was exhausted with two kids, one who woke every two hours, and was depressed. I took my first tablet instantly.
You know what. This is crazy but the next morning when I woke, I swear I could see clearer. Things just looked crisper.
I have not looked back. I’ve been on it for 8 months now, and I am so much happier. I can handle things better and little things dont upset me as much anymore….I was so irritable towards my husband. I can’t believe how. Uch he put up with.
So long sorry short, just do it. Give it a go. It can only help right. I only wish I had done it earlier so I could enjoy things in hose early months more. Oh well, there’s years to go!
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Sorry for the typos…damn iPad!!!
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Greenmother, I am so sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling for so long. Medication got me through what I felt was the worst bit, but I knew when I wanted to stop taking it. It felt like a lot of stages and it felt like it never would. But it did, and I just kept thinking ‘this is a stage, and it wont last forever’ Moving also helped me, and being near close friends. But everyone is different, and I hope it does get better for you. I know what you mean about trying to make up for not being the mother you wanted – but I dont think you can. I think its about loving you, loving her and being happy together. You will get there, I promise
All the best xx
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I would really love to read Ange’s blog ‘A is for Love’ … does anyone know where i can find it?
Thanks
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There’s a link above in the article. The bit where it says “Angie Heterick is a new full time mum and new wife, who spends any minute she can on her new blog A is for Love.”
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there is a link in blue in the bottom part of the article where it talks about the author
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I am sorry but men do not suffer from PND, which is a little understood hormonal problem. Men may suffer from a life change/stress depression upon the birth of a baby, as do many women. I believe it doesn’t serve women who really suffer from postnatal psychosis, depression and anxiety to trivialise this problem.
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I respect that you want to look out for women but this comment is so far from the truth that it borders on offensive.
To state that PND is “a little understood hormonal problem” is a great way trivialise the issue (didn’t you want to avoid that?). PND is not purely hormonal, nor it entirely unlinked from hormones. It is a very complex issue that has an enormous multitude of factors contributing to it, including the “life change / stress” that you mention. Even the author points out that some of the factors that led to her feeling this way – again, some of those life changes /stressors.
With regards to your comment that men don’t suffer from PND, I can assure you they most certainly do. I’ve been there myself. The enormous changes in lifestyle, feelings of inadequacy, stress, anxiety about work, not understanding your role, expectations etc all contribute.
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If PND was just a hormonal problem, wouldnt ALL mothers suffer from it? The fact is, there are so many factors that contribute, and other than hormones, all of these factors affect men too. Eg Financial stress, lack of family support, lack of sleep, family history of depression. Also, keep in mind those factors (particularly sleep deprivation) can affect a man’s hormones too.
My husband had PND with our 2nd child and I have had it with 2 out of our 3 children. It is a very real thing for both sexes, and both deserve support and compassion.
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Just because we have similar levels of the same hormones doesn’t mean our bodies all react the same way!
Sometimes it is just hormonal.
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Adoptive Mothers and Fathers are also (regularly) diagnosed with Post Adoption Depression Syndrome also. I believe that men and womens hormones do alter after the addition of a family member and these changes are not only attributed to pregnancy.
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I am so angry about your ignorance it is shocking me. My husband has had pre and post natal depression with both our children. Don’t you dare tell me otherwise.
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It sounds like your knowledge is very out of date. In the past it was thought that PND was a mother’s problem bought on by hormones, but after much evidence based research this has been disproved. Shame on you for being so judgmental with no data to back you up. If you would like to educate yourself, hop on the PANDA website and you will learn that only one of the causes is hormonal, but there are so many others which do not discriminate across genders.
27,000+ men suffer from PND every year in Australia so I am not sure where you get your information from?
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