by KATE HUNTER
World, meet New York writer Lenore Skenazy. For the bargain price of $350, Lenore is offering to meet your kids at the park, leave them there and disappear to sip coffee in a café.
Note: That café will have no view of the park -it may be a block or two away. And not one of the kids will have a mobile phone. The kids will be free to make their own way home afterwards. She won’t help them or even find out what arrangements they might have made for themselves.
Did we mention $350?
If you haven’t heard of Ms Skenazy, you might have heard of her Free Range Kids ‘movement’ which began a few years ago when she wrote a column about her nine year old son riding the subway alone. It earned her the title of ‘America’s Worst Mom’ from some of the helicopter parenting camp but she wasn’t deterred.
In fact, she’s become quite evangalistic about how parents need to BACK OFF and let kids make decisions, fall off playground equipment and sort out their own disagreements. Not because she’s lazy, but because she firmly believes it’s good for kids to cultivate some independence and survival skills, and she wants kid’s to have a chance to ‘do what we did – play on our own’.
Skenazy realises some parents find a hands-off approach difficult, so she’s offering to do it for them. For $350.
She says on her website:
This is not only fun, it’s formative — especially when it’s a bunch of children of different ages – because play is Mother Nature’s super vitamin.
Today’s kids spend an average of more than 7 hours a day on “entertainment media,” according to a Kaiser Family Foundation study. In a typical week, only 6% of children ages 9-13 play outside on their own.
I’m with Lenore here all the way. I wouldn’t pay $350 though – I wouldn’t pay a cent. I’m okay with letting my kids play unsupervised, outside the boundaries of our home.
In fact, as I write this, my 11 year old son and five of his mates are somewhere in our suburb. They could be at the cricket nets around the corner. They could be damming the creek down the road. Although I’m not a hundred per cent sure of their exact location, I’m positive they’re having a great time, and hopeful none will come home bleeding.
Thankfully, the parents of this particular posse are comfortable with this loose rein attitude. But many aren’t, so it’s great to read someone smarter than me who says I’m doing the right thing - by doing pretty much nothing.
Skenazy quotes Harvard psychologist Susan Linn :
Beware of free range children.
“…play is the foundation of intellectual exploration. It’s how children learn how to learn. Abilities essential for academic success and productivity in the workforce, such as problem solving, reasoning, and literacy, all develop through various kinds of play, as do social skills such as cooperation and sharing.”
Being a parent, not a parenting expert, I’m not entirely sure what that means, but it’s reassuring to know I’m not a neglectful parent raising feral children.
The whole school holiday activity industry depresses me a bit. I get that many (most) parents need to work and leaving kids to their own devices for long periods isn’t a good thing, but back-to-back activities is expensive, restrictive and apparently not as good for kids as hanging out at the park.
It’s also not as much fun. But it’s hard when a growing number of kids are enrolled in holiday sports programs – there’s often no one left to play with. And there’s always the hairy eyeball you get from less loose parents gagging to dob you into A Current Affair.
It’s true no parent ever totally relaxes until their kids are within hugging distance, but it’s worth being strong – Skenazy recommends parents think about when they had most fun as a kid … “Chances are it wasn’t at Kumon.”
Do you believe kids should be left to play unsupervised? Is it something you’re comfortable doing?








Comments
162 Comments so far
Wow this is any pedophile’s dream, free range kids running around with no parent even remotely near by.
I am all for letting kids play outside, clim trees and build forts etc. But that is in a safe environment. We own a farm so naturally our kids run around on the paddocks. But they are miles away from the nearest neighbour so they are safe from people who would hurt them.
Not in the middle of NYC where there is probably a monster living every second block. This just seems like they are asking for their kids to get kidnapped. If someone told me they had let 7 year old play on the play ground alone and then make their own way home and at some stage this child went missing, I would simply say what do you expect you idiot?
Sure give your kids some space to play but at least keep one eye on them just in case.
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Bit insulting to the good people of NYC, don’t you think?
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Check their crime rate… not really insulting
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“Not in the middle of NYC where there is probably a monster living every second block. This just seems like they are asking for their kids to get kidnapped. If someone told me they had let 7 year old play on the play ground alone and then make their own way home and at some stage this child went missing, I would simply say what do you expect you idiot?”
Are you for real? How about we city slickers say that every second farm is inhabited by nutcases with sawn-off shotties with a graveyard in the top paddock?
Would that be accurate?
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That probably wouldn’t be accurate but my farm has dams and poisonous snakes so I would probably be a little wary of allowing my kids to play unsupervised until they are a little older.
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My problem with this sort of parenting is this a grown man/woman can’t always protect themselves against violence,rape and murder so how can a child possibly protect themselves,the theory is good and I would love to be able to let my children do these things but I no my kids are unable to protect themselves from those adults that like to hurt children.i just hope that if something does ever happen to these kids that their parents take the responsibility of what they have not done to protect their kids.
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Why do you think people who are considered Free Range (which was just being a Mum/Dad years ago) don’t teach their kids how to deal with situations?
We always knew what to do if a dodgy person came up to us. I had a bloke pull over and talk to me trying to get me into his car and showed me his dick (that he was covering up at the start) and I knew to just leg it straight to safety and get Mum to call the cops.
As you rightly point out – adults can’t fight off people who are intent on hurting them. It’s the gamble of life. Not teaching your kids and letting them experience stuff isn’t going to protect them. It’ll make them more vulnerable. As kids and as adults. You can’t look after them forever.
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So when do you reckon is a good time to let your kids start experiencing things on their own? 12, 15, 18, 40???
I don’t know if I fit the “free range” label or not, but I do know that I have brought my kids up to accept increasing amounts of responsibility. Of course i didn’t let them play in the street when they were three, or let them ride to school unaccompanied when they were six and still wonky on their bikes. I did, however, make them responsible for things that were appropriate to their age.
I taught them how to make their own breakfast from a young age (no using the toaster or the microwave until they were old enough to understand how to operate them safely.) I’ve always made them responsible for packing their own lunches (I make the sandwich, they pack the rest) and doing small things like applying their own sunscreen (with supervision when they were little, of course.)
Socially, I have always made them speak for themselves and do things like go to the counter with money in shops while I waited outside. They have always ordered their own food in restaurants etc etc.
In terms of playing unsupervised in parks, or riding their bikes etc, the age has been different for each of my kids depending on things like maturity, skill and having a group that they could do these things with.
Where we live now most kids are allowed to ride to school, play in the park with friends and so on from around Grade 4/5. Where we lived before virtually no kids played unsupervised at all.
All three of my kids are very independent. I often get comments from friends/teachers etc on how lucky I am to have such responsible, self-reliant kids. (Here’s a tip: there was no “luck” involved!)
My eldest child turns 17 next week. He is a mature, independent young man who is about to enter Year 12. He holds down a part time job, and is in great demand as a babysitter. He is able to get himself anywhere on public transport and can be relied upon to respond well in almost any situation. Some of his friends are still completely reliant upon their parents. I worry about what will happen to them when they hit university and have to make decisions for themselves for the first time.
Teaching your kids to be independent is not the same as not protecting them. Quite the opposite in fact.
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I’m all for giving my kids independence. But I think free range is taking it a little too far. Its school holidays now and I see lots of 9 and 10 year olds roaming around our streets on their own. And, to be honest, it just doesnt look very nice.
I saw a friends 9yo roaming around my street with 2 other kids who I didnt recognise. I knew she wouldnt be happy about what her child was up to, so when she rang me this afternoon I mentioned where I had seen her. She had been at a friends for a playdate and she had no idea the kids were going to be allowed to basically wander the streets alone like little street urchins. And thats what they looked like.
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But how was their hair?????
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haha
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Seriously though – what were the kids doing that was so bad if they were just walking around? Why is that something to freak out over?
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Well to me, and to many other parents, they are too young to be roaming the neighbourhood freely for hours. Poor neglected kids is what comes to mind when I see young kids like that. A bit older is perfectly fine but I dont think 9 or 10 is old enough.
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You know the kids (or at least one of them) though, right? So you know that at least one of them isn’t poor or neglected, right? It may be the conclusion you jump to, but that doesn’t make it true. How many hours were they roaming around being urchins for? Your judgement speaks more about yourself than anything the kids were doing.
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Oh please, I have been a parent for long enough now to know that even children with the most priveleged homes can lack adequate parental supervision and yes, be considered neglected.
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That isn’t what you said and it isn’t what I was asking. So is your friend’s daughter neglected? Or is it that you’re just not used to seeing kids walking around perfectly innocently like we did? What if they had their hair cut and were dressed in an acceptable manner? Would that make it OK?
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If they were wandering about aimlessly for hours, I’d be inclined to tell the kids to go home, but thy may have been going to a park/someone’s house and back. My kids are allowed to be “on the streets” at about 10, doing just that, or playing in our street younger. It’s just that we’re not used to seeing it anymore that makes it look a bit shocking.
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Not surprisingly, I see that there are a few parents commenting who are afraid of “creeps” or pedophiles abusing their children and use that as an excuse to keep them close and by default “safe”.
Please remember – your child is most likely to be abused by someone they know, in many cases in a “safe” environment.
It is far better to teach your child to trust their instincts. This is the number one tool we can impart on our children to set them up for dealing with any kind of difficulty later in life.
Teach your kids that if it feels “funny” in their tummy (their body is their best guide) or gives them “butterflies” to honour that feeling and to not be afraid to say no.
Question what you see and read in the media. The world is not a big scary place. It is full of wonderful people who will bring many benefits to your children’s lives. Please dont shut them off from these experiences by shutting them inside.
I was a free range kid (as were many of my generation). Being outside was far more fun and far “safer” than being inside with the relative who abused me.
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I agree but how many kids are out playing in the streets these days? My work colleague and I were discussing this the other day. He grew up in Zimbabwe and I in regional Australia. we roamed the streets with other kids our age that we knew and our parents knew and our mums were at home. My colleague’s son is 16 and plays x-box with his mates online whereas he was off shooting birds with his mates at that age. Even if his son wanted to head off shooting birds there’d be no one to go with him.
My mother in law used to play in bombed out houses in post-war London with her cousins. The kids knew each other and any problems, their mums were a few houses away.
We just don’t have anything like that in my neighbourhood. If my kids were out playing they’d be alone and not with a bunch of people they know at any of the houses around here.
I can’t imagine letting my 5yo wander the streets exploring with the kids down the road (like I used to do) because there are no kids down the road in our street (mostly retired) and if there was trouble they’d be knocking on a stranger’s house who may or may not even be there.
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Our local council has basketball rings in some courts around our suburb. It has been a great place for the children of the street to hang out. Once a few children are out there, everyone comes out. I love the sound of them having fun on a long summer night.
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U don’t need to be allowed to run the streets to be a free range kid or to have no idea where they r and there is nothing wrong with wanting to protect ur kids from sick ppl I’m guessing u have never been in a situation where u were unsafe (thank god) and as much as u would like to believe that the biggest threat to a child is by someone they no that is wat it was like when we were kids but the world has changed and the kids r in just as much danger by strangers,I do think this sort of parenting is for those who can’t be bothered with there kids.who would be to blame if ur child got hit by a car,if the kid was not doing the right thing the kid or the driver,
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I am taking a deep breath not to type this in shouty capitals or swear…
Please read my post again. In particular the last sentence.
At the age of 8 I was being systematically sexually abused.
And whilst it does not mention these ones in the post – just to reassure you that I have indeed been in an “unsafe situation” -
At the age of 15 I was raped.
At the age of 21 I was the victim of a violent armed robbery in my workplace.
I know, more than many people, what exactly it feels like to be unsafe.
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I think it really depends on the child. We have some kids in our neighbourhood who roam around freely all holidays and I doubt their parents know half of what they got up to. I have considered telling them but I figure they would think its funny..These are kids who arent exactly angels at school so the parents do have a clue about what they’re capable of…..with these families I just dont get why they let them roam around with so little boundaries. Its just giving their children a reputation that isnt good.
My eldest has a lot of freedom, however she has earned it. One of my children will absolutely be kept on a tighter leash because I know what she is capable of and dont want to take that chance with her until she is more mature and can fully understand that actions have consequences and once labelled as a naughty kid its hard to undo.
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I am all for letting our kids have appropriate freedom and I know we can’t protect them from everything but I am terrified of child abuse. A lady I worked with told me how her son and his best friend lived in the same street their whole life and stayed at each others houses often. Fast forward to them being 20 and it turns out that the young boy was being sexually abused by his father the whole time and my friends son was in danger almost every day of his childhood. Sleeping over, bathing, dressing… It makes me feel ill and I know I will always be wondering if I have taught my daughter enough about her personal safety without freaking her out…
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I’m giving my 7 year old a pair of walkie talkies for Christmas so she can go exploring with her friends and play spy games. I’m a little jealous of her freedom.
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The concept of FRKs is all good in theory.
But there are just so many creeps out there….and God forbid, if something happens,, I could never forgive yourself. The guilt would kill me.
So even though my kids may not be able to enjoy free play – it’s a small price to pay for the cost of what could happen. You just never know.
In light of this, we worked hard to buy a house with a huge backyard, build vege patch, sand pit, cubby house, have chickens, dog, fishpond, and lots of room to run around and play imaginatively. Hope this allows some free play unsupervised in a contained environment.!!! But I do like the concept of FRKs!!
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I totally agree.
Id rather my kids be ‘free’ in the confines of our farm.
I’m not into playing russian roulette with my kids safety.
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I agree with you 100 percent. You will be rewarded with self reliant kids. Just teach them the commonsense rules of keeping safe, then you are giving them a wonderful gift. They will be proud of the fact you have faith in them and in turn will likely grow into wonderful adults. I know my three have.
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I let my son skateboard on the road (albeit the quiet backstreets around our house, and in the cycle lane. But still- road!).
I let my son busk for hours at the local shopping centre. He’s 13 and needs to make money while he looks cute and young, not pimply and surly.
I let my son surf for hours without watching his every move. Heck, he surfs so far out that I can’t see ANY of his moves.
For all this, I have sometimes copped the scorn and censure of my peers. But at least I never left him unaccompanied IN A LIBRARY.
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Ha ha, I got that reference. Well Kate?
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Oh man, my response got looked at by a newbie didn’t it?
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Yay – I love this article. Thanks for sharing. Growing up on a farm and now living in bondi – I encourage my kids to get outside to play and explore unsupervised . Garage open, they can pop in to say hi – exchange bikes for cricket gear or skateboard etc..but i cant tell you how many times neighbours called the police to complain.
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I’m so going to be a helicopter parent despite the fact that I had a very free range childhood.
My son is only 5 so too young just now but I can’t see my view changing. I’m not worried about him getting hurt; I’m worried about all the feral kids corrupting my sweet lil man. All the kids I see in the neighborhood look disheveled and unkind. Perhaps they’re just being kids but I’d rather be nearby to ensure that he’s not getting mixed up in a bad crowd.
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Kids having fun often look dishevelled. How exactly does a child look unkind?
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I just want to check that I’m getting this. You’re judging kids on what they look like without knowing them? If that’s the case (and I hope I’m wrong) don’t you think that’s a bit harsh? What sort of message does that send to your son?
Will you be home schooling your child? Because there are all types of people in the world and no matter where you send him to be educated he will be exposed to all sorts of kids.
When kids are used to mixing with others and dealing with minor issues themselves, it builds resilience and also helps them to make good decisions about who they might include in their circle of friends. How is your child going to learn all that with you hovering over him?
And I’m sorry, I just have to say this. In my experience (as a teacher) the most difficult (and often badly behaved) children were always the ones whose parents believed that they could do no wrong. Any misdemeanours were blamed on the bad influence of others. If your child is truly such an angel then you should have no problem with him being responsible for his own behaviour.
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I am also a teacher but in my experience I have found the most “difficult” children to be those with very low self esteem. Their behaviour usually transforming after a feeling of accomplishment or trust or stability have been attained. However it is usually the children with low self esteem who are most likely to be influenced by their peers as they search for a feeling of belonging, attention and acceptance. These children are rarely able to be rationally in control of their behaviour.
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Well said,and if another thing if he is such a good boy he won’t be influenced by those supposedly bad,feral kids lol
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I agree. My boy is still too young to roam about but some of the kids in our neighbourhood also look a little rough. They swear and seem to have no manners or boundries or respect for roal rules. I have seen ‘unkind’ kids taunt animals and laugh at eachother. The world may be diverse, and parents may have rose coloured glasses when it comes to their kids, but I also know peers influence behaviour and therefore the company they keep is worthy of consideration.
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My mum let me play in the streets. I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED for years by men in my neighbourhood.. I’ve heard this happen to others too. My life has been challenging as a result. Whilst I love the ideals of free range parenting, for some of us kids it did not work out so well.
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We drive our kids around and have had to until they could drive because there is no such thing as public transport within 10 klms of our house. Call me helicopter if you will, but even my parents would have done the same.
However they got to ride about the neighbourhood to their friend’s as long as we knew whose house they were going to etc. it’s only our 9 year old that has yet to do this.
I can’t see my self (or more to the point, my husband) being foolish enough to pay someone megabucks for the privelige of having them not directly supervise my kids. Just shows there’s one born every minute.
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Cant respect the parenting advice of any mother who lets their child go to school with hair like that!
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That’s free-range hair!!
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Cant help but think of all the free range nits in there too!
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That’s what my hair is like at that length. Sorry to offend you, chillax.
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Oh Kris, you’re not a child going to school with uniforma and hair requirements!
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I was when I was that kid’s age. My hair didn’t magically turn curly overnight – it’s always been curly. Like his.
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His hair is curly, but its also wild, overgrown and in desperate need of cutting.
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Thankfully most schools in N. America have neither hair nor uniform requirements, especially at that age. Nits aren’t the problem there that they are in Australian schools either so I’m sure Lenore’s boy is doing just fine.
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Being in the US that kid probably doesn’t have uniform requirements either!
Chillax, you would have hated my oldest boy’s hair earlier this year. He responded to going to a new school with much more relaxed uniform regulations by growing a “fro”. He loved it for while and I actually thought it looked pretty good on him! He got sick of it and is back to shorter hair now.
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Developmentally children under the age of 12 cannot see and judge the speed of oncoming traffic accurately. They should not be left to cross roads on their own.
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I don’t know how many times I had to run to the corner shop for a loaf of bread and $2 worth of ham for lunch. I was well under 12 and had to cross two roads.
It can be learnt.
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Well if you weren’t able to successfully cross the road you wouldn’t be here to tell the story would you?
Sure, 99.9% of the time its fine. Lots of people used to drink & drive and manage to make it home fine too.
I think its more about risk management – what do you gain from letting them go free range versus the risks involved which whilst very small do exist. And the decision a parent makes is going to be very dependent on the child.
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I thought, developmentally, it was 10?
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It is a range, with 12 being the age that most kids have developed these skills. Of course, there are still the risk taking behaviours to contend with in the road environment, and those don’t resolve themselves til much much later.
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That’d probably be why we all got taught “Look right, look left, look right again, if it’s clear, cross”. I remember tv ads of that.
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Hi LPlates. I started a new post because the other thread had become very long (and narrow!)
I was wondering if you had considered organising a walking school bus in your area? If you could find a few other kids nearby who wanted to walk too you could perhaps take turns with other parents to supervise a group of children walking to school. That way the kids learn road safety and gain confidence. After a while you may feel less anxious about letting your kids walk on their own.
Another idea is to walk with them and then gradually decrease the distance you accompany them for. You might start by waving goodbye when the school is in sight and then each week stop a little further away.
Strangely enough I am a huge worrier, but I have trained myself to let my kids do more and more on their own, because I know that in the long term the more independent they are, the safer they’ll be.
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I was a ‘walking school bus driver’ for 2 years before the PAPERWORK got to me *sigh* http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/is-it-easier-to-give-cash-than-time/
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Oh FFS why on earth does this sort of stuff have to be so hard?? totally understand why the volunteers dried up!
Around here we kind of have an unofficial DIY version. No fluro involved. Shhh don’t tell the powers that be!
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My little one is way too little for this, but I’m going to have to erase my memory of all of the Law & Order SVU and Criminal Mind episodes that leave me feeling nauseous before I can consider doing this. Oh – and I think I’ve seen every single one of both series so that’s a lot of forgetting!
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Try engaging in a bit more heavy drinking, it’s worked for me!
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Oh this takes me back to when I was about 12 and lived in Coolgardie, WA. I used to wake up on a Saturday before dawn and walk about 5kms to the ‘horse flats’ (where everyone kept their horse) holding nothing but a horse bridle. I’d get out there and jump on the back of my horse and walk her the 5kms back into town. Bareback of course because I couldn’t carry a bloody saddle for 5kms out there. Then I’d saddle her up at home and meet up with my mates and we would spend the whole day riding around in the bush and racing up hills. I’d get home around sunset, tie her up in the backyard and then do it all again the next day before riding her back to her stables. My mother wouldn’t see me all weekend and it was the best fun ever.
Then, shock horror, Mum bought me a $500 old car and me and my mates would go bush bashing in that. Unlicensed, uninsured but alot of fun. At 12! Those were the days for sure. Now, my mum has bought my son his own car for when he visits her. And he’s a pretty good shot with a rifle too!
He is pretty free range himself as well. He finishes school at 2pm (13 now) and spends every afternoon out with his mates and comes home at sunset. Not sure I’d be the same in a city but regional WA is pretty safe for that kind of thing and he is a responsible young lad.
Free range indeed!
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I love FRK and i am bringing up my kids to be very free range. My almost 6 year old daughter is welcome to go down the whole 5 houses and cross the road to playnwith her friends, she can gp anywhere in the park as long as she tells me, and by the time she hits high school there is no way I’ll be driving her anywhere during the day. Just in case anyone is bothered about Lenore’s fee, she does offer a full scholarship to anyone who doesn’t want to pay…
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Dang – the voices of the helicopter parents are silent!
Okay – I’ll put up my hand. Until September I was the world’s biggest helicopter – like the size of those ones that hold a platoon of army people. I drove my 16 year old everywhere. My 12 year old was not allowed to leave the house unless in a car, driven by me and straight to a friend’s house – a pre-planned visit that had been arranged with strict pick up and drop off times. I still made their school lunches – down to putting the packs of chips in the lunch box. Yes – crazy helicopter.
So what changed? I went to Europe and had to relinquish CONTROL. That’s what it was all about – control. My 12 year old was suddenly free-ranging, riding his bike all over the neighbourhood, dropping in on family and friends and having a ball. My 16 year old managed to walk to work – in the rain even!. He cooked himself dinner, did his own laundry and put the bins out without me nagging and frothing. And they were both safe. The world did not end because I wasn’t there to hover and direct.
Relinquishing control was agony. I was on the phone – and if they didn’t answer I stressed and feared the worst. But they always rang back, cheerfully telling me about their day. Gradually, my anxiety eased and I allowed my kids to be kids.
12 year old still rides around the neighbourhood, visits friends and goes to the beach – without me. 16 year old cooks dinner for all of us and even sewed on is own buttons a few days ago. They needed me to go away, chill out and leave them be. So glad I did.
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you must of bought up some great kids for them to manage on their own. You were a control freak and now your not, i respect you even more for it.
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Twelve months ago we moved to a small coastal town – the idea being that we would live a less hectic and simpler life. And we do! It’s great, and one of the best things about it is that my kids have so much more freedom than they did before.
Where we lived before no other kids played out in the street. If my kids went to the park unaccompanied they were interrogated by other parents. Here everyone plays outside and the park is filled with kids having fun without a parent hovering over them. Kids ride their bikes and walk to school in packs. Kids knock on our door to see if our kids can come out and play.
I love it!
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I’m surprised at the number of comments about mats on trampolines. Aren’t they a bit like seat belts or pool fences? A sensible precaution? Many, many kids have been very badly injured from falling off a trampoline. I don’t think my kids are going to grow up useless because their trampoline has mats and a safety net. Frankly I think it’s a bit foolish to let your kids jump on a trampoline without mats just to show how un-helicopter you are.
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I’m one of the one without a net. There’s a perfectly good reason for this. When we bought our trampoline 8 years ago that’s the way they came. I am personally very much against consumerism for the sake of consumerism. For me this translates into not buying new things just because a new version comes out.
I grew up jumping on a tramp without ever being injured. I was taught how to use the tramp safely. I have taught my kids the same rules.
My understanding is that the majority of trampoline injuries occur when more than one kid is on the trampoline – regardless of whether a safety net is installed. We have a one jumper at a time rule that is strictly enforced.
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You are right. None of my kids were injured until my nephew got on the tramp with my daughter and he landed on her leg. Spiral fracture,4 months in plaster toe to hip. I think these nets give a false sense of security and more often than not I have seen more than one child at a time using them.
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We had a trampoline without the safety net for years non of my kids fell off 2 days after we got the new trampoline with safety net my sone was jumping slip and fell under the net and broke his arm so ummm safety net not so safe t was all in place and connect as per the instructions
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If you want the best of both worlds,I suggest cubs, scouts or girl guides.
Gives kids plenty of opportunity to be free-range, be outside in in the fresh air and exercise and its in a controlled environment.
My daughter did Scouts from age 11-15 and absolutely loved it. The highlight was the Australian Jamboree where they camp out for 2 weeks with other scouts from around Australia and Overseas. She still talks about it, 3 years later.
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Forgot to say, my stepsons mother threatened us with DOCS for child endangerment for doing all of this!
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Sounds like a bitter breakup more than anything with kids being used as pawns.
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I love that someone smart and brave has got the guts to say that trying to take away all the risks is not in our kids best interest.
My daughter is 15 and she’s always had a fair bit of freedom. She’s skinned her fair share of knees, fallen off her bike, fallen off the swings, argued with her friends and made up.
She was catching the bus and the train home at 10 and lots of people thought that was shockingly dangerous. But how is it so bad for a kid in school uniform to be on the train with hundreds of other kids in uniform at 3.30 in the afternoon? The one time she got stuck, she asked the stationmaster if she could use the phone to ring me and I came and collected her and her friend. So I figured she was fine because she was sensible enough to figure it out when it went a bit wrong.
Fast forward a few years, her school finished at lunchtime last week and she got the train home with a friend (a boy – boyfriend? not sure) because they wanted to go to the beach. A friend was stunned that I’d let my teenage girl be home alone with a boy. But I don’t want to stop my girl living because I’m afraid of what might happen and I’m not about to start curtailing her freedom because she’s growing up.
Sometimes it seems like we believe our job as parents is to protect kids from danger but I believe that our real job is getting them ready to live without us. And if they can do it, then we’ve done a good job.
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Exactly, it’s a process of slowly letting go and letting them take on more responsibilities.
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My year 9 daughter recently went on a school camp where the group had to carry camping equipment and food for 5 days hiking in the bush.
She came home astounded at how useless a lot of the kids were. Scared of everything, no resilience, waiting for everything to be done for them, constantly whining. Some had never used a sharp knife to cut vegetables. Some cried when they didn’t like what was for dinner.
This is what comes of helicopter parenting.
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I went on a similar camp in year 9 (five years ago) and had a similar experience. It depresses me that my generation is so inept at living. What the heck are we gonna do when we finally actually have to be responsible?
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I read your comment and thought “I don’t think it’s helicopter parenting to not allow your 9 year old to use sharp knives and maybe they were crying about dinner because they were tired, emotional and homesick”. Then I re-read your comment. Year 9!!!
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Reading this has made my heart beat speed up
I like my kids here with me where i can see them, even out side they’re not allowed up the driveway into the street
I have my computer so i can sit here at the window and still keep an eye on them
i’m a helicopter mum and i’m ok with that!
ok i lie, i wish i was a bit more lenient with them but i don’t know…
I did go out on the streets when i was younger..i was always at the library which was 2 blocks away
but that was mainly because my parents slept from 3pm-6pm every afternoon
and while i don’t see every parent as uncaring because my friends parents let them out with me a few times…but mine were uncaring as long as we left them alone…?
*shrugs*
I know i’ll have to let go eventually but that’ll only be when they say mum i want to go…not when i tell them to go…
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When we were kids we were out and about for hours. My Grandma & Grandpa lived in Rozelle. Two of my cousins lived across the road from her and the rest of us cousins gravitated to Rozelle regularly for family events. My Nana lived at Auburn with my other cousins so the same thing applied, family get togethers. It was nothing for us to wander down to the baths at Balmain and around the local streets till 10pm at night. Similarly, at Auburn, my cousins were all boys. The highlight of going to their house was to go down to the quarry at the end of the road and watch them slide down on bits of old corrugated iron. I’m still a great believer in letting kids be kids. Wrapping them in cotton wool and having them on a leash, not allowing them to climb trees etc, does nothing for their sense of independence and nor does it do anything for their sense of responsibility towards their friends when they are in a group. We had such fun growing up, climbing trees, wandering the streets, riding our bikes around the streets. I live in a beautiful part of The Whitsundays. Our home is in a valley which is part of the Conway National Park and there are only 5 or 6 families here. Three of the families have kids varying in age from 5 to about 12. There is a creek across the road which runs past all of our properties with a couple of waterholes dotted along it. There are snakes, kangaroos, (big, medium & small), lizards, frogs, goannas, echidna, bush turkeys and hundreds of birds. The kids love it. They ride their bikes up and down, they are in and out of the bush and the creek. They are fearless. They think they are on a permanent adventure. On the other hand, I do understand how it has come to this and why many parents are fearful of letting their kids out of their sight and I think that is sad, for both the parents and the kids.
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I have a trampoline on my nature strip.
It has no net.
And the entire street uses it. I frequently come home to find strange kids bouncing on it (I think word has gotten around about the magical free trampoline house).
No, I dont worry about insurance or being sued. My kids (and the neighbour’s kids) wander around the street and down to the park. They vary in age from 4 to 14.
My front yard is free for all too. So it is not uncommon for kids to come and help themself to my son’s ripstik or footy or even play totem tennis on my front yard.
Do I know these kids’ names? Nope. Definitely dont know their parent’s mobile numbers.
But I do know one thing – my house is unfortuately a rarity these days, enough so that these kids are going to remember living in this street and the freedom it gave them.
And it all started with the trampoline. Before I put that out, I never saw any kids playing in the street (except mine).
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You are a kid’s best friend.
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Chrissy, I wish you lived near me! My kids also have the old style trampoline – no net, intact we don’t even have pads. some of my kids friends are not allowed on it! Sad really.
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Hmm, should have proofread! For some reason the edit button is not visible.
That should have read “in fact” not intact! Also apologies to the punctuation police (like me!) for the missing capital and apostrophe.
I feel better now!
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In my neighbourhood that trampoline would’ve been nicked the first night it was left out! It speaks volumes about your general community (in a positive way) that it is still there.
We have a net-less trampoline too. Oh, the humanity!
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I think this whole discussion can be broken down to people who have a net around their trampoline and those that don’t.
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I am not a parent, so I can’t judge on what is good parenting. Though, when I was young, I was pretty much always left to my own devices most of the time. I’ve walked to school on my own since I was 9, I travelled into the city by myself since I was 12 – but my mum always knew where I was – it was a matter of telling her where I was headed, what time I’d be home, and calling her on a payphone when I arrived at a destination safely.
So I kinda like the idea of parenting style in which Lenore has – that said – $350 is a bit steep……
The whole idea of planned holiday activities just seems weird to me.
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I will never forget when I was a kid, as soon as I came home from school Mum would say “Get out of your uniform, go outside and play and come back inside for your homework at 5.30 sharp” No protesting worked, if it was raining “Put on a raincoat” if it was cold “Put on a jumper” if it was too hot “Put on some sunscreen, it’s not like we have air conditioning inside anyway!”
I take the same approach with my daughter now.
Funnily enough, when I was a kid in the 80′s/90′s, we did not have an obesity crisis! Funnily enough, we knew it was spelt ‘night’ and not ‘nite’ and we never h8ed anybody either. Also if we were to LOL, it was because we actually did laugh out loud!!
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I recently moved to a quiet private estate and my boys are used to being ‘free ranged’ but every time I send them out on their scooters or bikes or for a walk (we have a park at the back of us etc.) they are sent home or are being told off for riding their scooters without an adult (they are 9&10) by one of the kind and caring people living on the estate as well..
I had to have a few chats with my neighbours and explain that I trust my boys and that they will be ok.. I’m sure that they think I am the worst mother, but I love hearing of the adventures my boys got to and the fun they had..
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The funny thing is that the helicopter parents of today are the same generation that were the free range kids of the 80′s/early 90′s. Don’t they have the awesome memories from the unstructured play and neighbourhood exploring of their childhood? Yes things have changed, for one roads are much busier for example, but as parents we can adapt the limits we set around the ‘scary changes’ in the world, not just stop free play all together!
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I was a free ranger and I do have awesome memories of riding my bike and wandering away. I also remember being sexually abused by neighbourhood kids and the affect it has had on my life.
I want to protect my child from that and I won’t apologise for that!
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Maybe those from the 80/90 no more about the dangers
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The funny thing is that the helicopter parents of today are the same generation that were the free range kids of the 80′s/early 90′s. Don’t they have the awesome memories from the unstructured play and neighbourhood exploring of their childhood? Yes things have changed, for one roads are much busier for example, but as parents we can adapt the limits we set around the ‘scary changes’ in the world, not just stop free play all together!
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Yeah it’s weird. I had this conversation with my now new mum best friend. We used to roam the neighbourhood as kids – went out swimming in the mud flats near our house, walked our dogs alone, went for bike rides, were sent up the road to the shops by our parents. It was our normal childhood.
Yet she is convinced that ‘times are different now’ and would never let her kid do the same which I find really sad.
I also believe that it is this mentality that is making ‘times different’ if there were more kids out and about on the streets, more people who felt comfortable saying hello to their neighbours and talk to people wouldn’t the streets feel safer?
Things have gotten really weird
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I follow the Long Leash style of parenting… so i always know where they are, and they know where I am, even if we’re not in line of sight. I still think mine are too little to be allowed out with no supervision at all. (The oldest is 8 and she has the longest leash – down to the end of our street. The littlest one is 3 and her leash only extends to the front yard.)
((The leash is metaphorical))
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Thank goodness that leash is metaphorical! I realise I’m not supposed to judge and that maybe if I had a child who tried to run away all the time I’d feel differently, but I can’t stand looking at children on leashes- they are not dogs and should not be treated as such!
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I’m sure the only kids that are on leashes ARE the ones who try to run away all the time. You say that children are not dogs and shouldn’t be treated as such… but why do we put dogs on leashes – so they won’t run away and run on to the road and get hit by a car or get lost or stolen!
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When you have a child that runs onto road or away from you in a very busy shopping centre then I think you’ll change your mind
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People do do put hrnesses onto children in order to make them like a dog. A harness does not make them lie a dog. it keeps children safe when they don’t have an adequate sense of danger. And some children really would put themselves in danger without some kind of restraint. please don’t judge there is probably a very good reason.
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Yes when you have a runner you will feel differently I am not sorry to say my daughter had a backpack with a strap attachment that we used daily. We live on a pretty busy road and she would run from you the second you went out the door. I would rather an alive daughter on a leash then a dead child on the road…. now that she is 3.5 and understands that running on to the road could result in her being hurt very bad she walks next to me holding my hand…
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and better they run on leash for a while until they get a bit more road sense than they be strapped into a pram!
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When I was 10 my parents didn’t see me from 8 am to 6pm during summer holidays. My siblings, friends and I would take off to the bush, or catch the train and tram to the beach and come home when we were hungry.
Too many parents won’t allow their kids to scrape a knee.
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“But it’s hard when a growing number of kids are enrolled in holiday sports programs – there’s often no one left to play with.”
This is my problem my kid’s friends are so busy with activities that they have no time left for playdates.
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Stupid as it sounds, you need to plan the unplanned time. I got together with the mothers of my sons’ mates and agreed that their first week of holidays would have NO camps, classes, workshops. We would help each other out in terms of work so the kids could have a base each day, but they could go to the cricket nets, ride their bikes etc. These days it doesn’t just happen. You need to make a pre-emptive strike
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I know, it just tried to start planning January play dates this morning…
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God I feel sorry for kids like that. Their parents are so uptight and competitive the poor little sods cant even enjoy a sleep in and a day in their pjs on holidays. Every day is a controlled organised experience. And mum and dad get the day off…
These are the poor little things who return to school exhausted because they havent had a holiday at all.
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She needs to charge $350 as insurance. For when one of the parents sue her for something that happens whilst “She;s not looking after the kids”.
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I was a free range kid and I loved it.
My son would love to be a free range kid but there are no other free-range kids in our neighbourhood to play with.
I think its sad and I think its one of the main reasons for the dramatic rise in childhood obesity.
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I’ve noticed that too. It’s sad I think. My 25 and 22 year old were able to ride around all over our estate in the 90s, but now I have to push my 12 year old to ride to her friends, also in the same estate. At least she’s started to do it. We just send her off with a mobile and tell her when we expect her home. Now for the 9 year old.
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About 18 months ago I developed appendicitis and while I was awaiting surgery, my appendix ruptured (bear with me, this is relevant). I was, not surprisingly, quite sick, and had to stay in hospital for several days.
On the Sunday afternoon, 3 days into my hospital stay, my hubby and three kids came in to visit me, as they had done each day. They got home and, needing a little time to get dinner organised, my husband said that the three kids could take the dog for a short walk. He sent them off with his mobile phone, just in case. It was still light, not dusk.
During the walk, my youngest daughter, who was 5 1/2 started to cry, she was missing me. My older daughter who was almost 11 and my son who was almost 9 comforted her, and, as they were almost home, kept her walking.
Suddenly the police pulled up in a car next to them and started questioning them. Where did they live, why were they walking alone, what was the problem?
Apparently someone had seen them walking, and the youngest crying, and had called the police. I am still shocked that whoever it was thought it was more appropriate to call the police than to call out from their front yard “Is everything alright?”
I think a large contributing factor to this event was the fact that people are not longer used to seeing kids inhabit their neighbourhoods independently.
When my kids pointed out that their home was in sight, they were allowed to finish their walk. Although the police were friendly, my kids did come home feeling like they had done something wrong.
It still makes me sad to think that society seems to have a problem with kids walking around together, enjoying the freedoms that no one batted an eyelid at, when we were kids.
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Hi Claire, hope you are all recovered. The first thing I thought of when I read your story was the James Bulger case in England (it happened about 20 yrs ago I think??) anyway… two 10 year old boys led a toddler from a shopping center and walked him miles through suburban streets before killing him with rocks at a deserted train station. During the trial it emerged that a lot of people that day had seen a crying little toddler walking alongside the two boys. Many felt that if only one person had intervened or called the police, then maybe the outcomes would have been so different. So I guess my point is that maybe the person who saw your little girl crying, walking alongside your other two children might have made somebody worried for her. And perhaps they thought it would be prudent to call the police and let them investigate. I don’t know, I’m just having a guess.
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I’m sure that is the reason they called the police, but as Claire said, she doesn’t know why they didn’t ask the child before calling the police. If she still had suspicions then call the police?
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Probably is the reason, but seriously it would have been quicker for the “neighbour” to intervene and check that everything is OK. I can only imagine how long the police took to get there and if it was the a similar case to the Bulger case all would have happened prior to the police getting there. Also a sad state that the locals in the area dont know who the local kids are either.
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Of course it’s fine. It just has to be age appropriate. I think people usually freak out because they think she means any aged kids. For kids aged 9+, sure, they’ll be just fine. Provided they been taught to be sensible before that.
It’s just like schoolies. I’m going to let my kids go, if they want, but the process started when they were babies. By the time they are old enough, they will have practiced being responsible for themselves.
If you let them take small risks when they are small, they are less likely to take big risks when they are big.
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I think the freaking out, like when she suggested “Leave your kids at the park day” is indicative of how poorly honed adults skills are, and the assumptions they make prove it. When that idea was current, so many people said “ZOMG!!! As if I’m going to leave my 3 year old at the park alone!!!!!”. Well, of course not. Commonsense would say that is a blatantly stupid idea.
How are these adults who lack commonsense and street smarts going to teach them to their kids when they’re afraid of everything too?
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I heard Lenore speak at The Festival of Dangerous Ideas a couple of years back and she made a lot of sense. She spoke a lot about the culture of fear that exists nowadays – kids who didn’t know the people in the apartment next door because they’re not allowed to venture that far, parents who constantly talk to their kids about the bogey man who is going to come and swipe them from a supermarket, rather than teaching them to be wary but still enjoy a relatively fear-free childhood. The 24 hour news cycle & constant reruns of Law & Order etc. help create this & sometimes we forget that most people really are genuinely good. I have a 1 year old & I’m not sure how far I’ll be able to let him out of my sight as he gets older & wants to venture far & wide, but above all I want him to experience freedom & grow to learn to make rational decisions.
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Don’t need to pay someone to ignore my kids, I’m ignoring them right now. Probably should call out to them though, one of my kids has a friend over.
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Gosh Renee, I hope the mother isn’t the uptight type
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I think it depends a lot on where you live. If you are lucky enough to live in a nice quiet street or even better, a cul-de-sac, and there are places (front yards, parks) where you and your kids can meet the neighbors it makes things much easier. It’s not that easy for everyone. I would love to send my son (8) off to play with the neighborhood kids like I did growing up but there are no neighborhood kids here. We live on a busy 4-lane road, we’ve lived here 8 years and I’ve never met any of the people on our street except for our immediate neighbors who are (very) elderly. It’s not even safe to let the kids wander ’round out the front (in the time we’ve been living here 3 pedestrians and 1 dog have been hit on our street, no-one killed but still I’m not about to risk it). So what I do is try to arrange play-dates with my sons friends but they always have to be scheduled in advance and there are strict pick-up and drop-off times, it’s all very formal. It sucks. We want to move but can’t afford to right now. When we do we sure as hell won’t be living on a main road again.
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You are right, where you live does make a huge difference. We’re very lucky to live on a cul-de-sac and our kids have had plenty of time out on the road practicing riding their bikes. We usually go and knock on the door of a neighbour and the parents and I chat while we watch the kids riding around.
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When he’s a bit older you might feel okay about dropping him at a park with some mates? Not saying you should but it might be an option if you feel like he needs some space away from the grown-ups …
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Yep I’m one of those parents who lets her kids climb trees, says ‘no bandaids unless it’s running blood’ and we have a trampoline without a net (shock horror). They are learning their boundaries and enjoy being allowed to try things that test them. I’m trying to raise resilient kids who will give things a go and pick themselves up if it doesn’t go to plan.
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So leaving kids to play unsupervised is always a good thing?
So when a 7 year old is happily running around and his or her ball rolls onto the road or a driveway and a car doesn’t have time to stop, the child will just be “cultivating independence and survival skills”..? Riiigght.
I may be taking this the wrong way but I believe that it is always a parent’s responsibility to make sure their children are protected and safe, whilst growing and learning. Playing unattended or catching trains alone does not even cement life skills necessarily. I imagine it may even bring up deep anxiety or fear of isolation, trust issues, or other terrible scenarios…
Yes I may sound cynical, but I firmly believe I am having little problem raising my child to have much independence, confidence and life skills by supervising her play, teaching her about trains and tickets etc, showing her what we do, setting guidelines about what is appropriate, problem solving etc. And all of this by being by her side, not helicopter parenting in the least! Just being a protective parent who knows when to stand back and watch, or when to intervene and guide..
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Skenazy was talking about leaving kids to play at a park. Not in a driveway.
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What about catching the subway alone? I guess it kind of led me to believe in the lack of safety.. Especially about kids “making their own way home” which I daresay would involve crossing roads and driveways etc. Is the park fenced or enclosed? I am not a judgemental parent and really respect other’s choices about raising their kids… but when safety is compromised then my alarm bells start ringing.
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Hey st87, Skenazy’s book is interesting in that she works on numbers. Driveways are unsafe places to play – kids are killed and injured on driveways every week. There are very, very few (reported) incidences of kids coming to harm on the New York subway, so she felt okay letting him ride it alone. Clearly (considering the reaction) plenty disagreed with her choice, and that’s fair enough,
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You are very right. More children die in their own driveways (under the age of 5) due to parents or relatives driving over them in their cars (mostly 4wds), then on public transport or walking or playing in parks alone with friends. So maybe we should outlaw driveways and cars parking in them then? I live on a very busy street and was allowed to play all around the neighbourhood from a very young age. Hasn’t harmed me one bit, I’m fiercely independent, very well adjusted and make friends very easily. Whereas my friends that had helicopter parents have serious social anxieties, are introverted and paranoid about EVERYTHING. And I clearly understand this link between independence not fostered by parents and later life personality and social issues having undertaken studies in my Psychology undergrad course.
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Kate you don’t have to be playing in the driveway to be hit by a car. You can be walking down the footpath, which is what st87 is saying! And I’m sure Skenazy’s house isn’t beside the subway so assume he would have crossed driveways and roads! And some children may feel they are ready to venture out without parents but that doesn’t mean they are ready too!
My youngest (8) recently took a step towards a car which had stopped outside the school driveway. The man inside beeped his horn. She thought he was trying to get her attention! I have told my children about stranger danger. In fact I am one of the parents you are talking about who are over-protective. Yet despite all my warnings she still approached a stranger in a car! My eldest who is almost 11 is also naive and too polite to not respond to a stranger.
Sometimes it’s not our kids we have to worry about just the evil that is out there. Talking of children playing in their street reminds me of the young girl in the UK who was abducted and killed allegedly by the neighbour! And look at Daniel Morecoombe and all the witnesses who did nothing. I would never forgive myself if something happened to them cos I couldn’t be bothered to watch my children!
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The thing is, we feel like these awful things are happening to children all the time, but are they? We see it on the news so we think its always happening but I’m sure if we all sat down to think of all the children we have known in our lives, and I’m thinking about all the kids at my childrens school, all the kids I knew growing up, all the kids of my siblings etc, I can’t remember anything really bad happening to any of them. I’m not discounting the fact that bad things happen, but as Dory from Finding Nemo once said “If you never let anything happen to him, then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo”.
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Hi Lplates,
I think this is the whole point. It’s not about ‘couldn’t be bothered lo watch my children’. It’s about parenting decisions. And parents constantly judging each others decision.
your decision to be ‘over protective’ ( in your own words) is as much your decision as a free range parent makes a choice to do what they think is best for their children. Free range parenting is not laziness as much as over protective parenting is not about being the parent with the most will for their children to grow into successful young people of the world. It’s about decisions based on thought and facts. And us parents need to respect each other and these decisions we make for our children.
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LPlates, I am just wondering at what age do you think you will be able to “let go” a little and let your child do things for herself? (I’m not being snarky – genuinely wondering.) I ask this because in my experience (mum of three, teacher and youth leader) it’s the kids who have been over-protected the most that get themselves into the most trouble in the teen years.
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I want to reply to Renee. A man here in Brisbane tried to take my younger brother and sister when they were walking the family dog to the end of the street. That was in the 80′s, the police caught him and told us he’d only recently been let out of prison. A friend of mine (also here in Brisbane) found a strange man in her toddler daughters bedroom holding a length of pipe. She scared him off and he later killed himself, apparently he had been watching their house for a while and had some sort of mental illness. That was about 2 years ago. I don’t know how common this kind of thing is but knowing it has happened to people I know makes me think it can’t be that rare.
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Wow! I must have led a very charmed life then.
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Hi Lisa66. I really don’t know I think it is dependent on the child. I was a free range kid but we lived in a quiet suburb in Brisbane. My girls and I live just over the Harbour Bridge in Sydney! My girls get into things they shouldn’t the moment I leave the room. My eldest wants to walk to and from school. But when her and her sister fight which is all the time they don’t notice anything around them! Earlier this year they were arguing whilst walking to school with me. The eldest pushed the youngest who stepped back onto the road as a result of the push.
I did however let her walk home with her friend when her little sister was home sick recently. Plus I remember what my friends and I got up to with our freedom; smoking, drinking, boys!!
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I caught the train to and from school when I was 10, in Sydney. I have seen 22 year olds too scared to catch Sydney trains because it’s not what they know. Same in Melbourne with the trains and trams. It’s all relative – when she let her son catch the train home, it was a route he was completely familiar with, having done it tons of times, he knew what to do and all the stations. He was a bit of a trainspotter.
I think a big part of the “ZOMG the NEW YORK SUBWAY!!!!” is because it’s something that people other than New Yorkers are unfamiliar with and we only know it from movies and tv shows where we see weird and bad things happening on it. Clearly this isn’t the case, but it’s what people believe.
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On spicks and specks there was a female musician who started out playing in new Yorks subway stations. The other panellists gasped and said wasnt that scary? She replied ‘I’ll let you I’m on a secret.. The subway is just a place people go to catch trains, its not scary at all…’ It was very funny.
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I think anyone who didn’t grow up right in the inner city doesn’t really understand that even little kids get to be really savvy about public transport. I grew up largely in European cities, and I knew my way around London and Paris’s metro systems the way most kids know their backyard. When I was 4 years old my grandparents came to visit and took me out. I led them all over Paris, to all the touristy spots they wanted to visit. According to them I was getting so utterly exasperated at their wandering off and inability to understand how the metro worked that I made them make a human chain with me so they’d stop getting lost!
Young (or even some older) kids who just hop in a car and zone out while mum and dad drive them might not be able to tell you how to get to their school or to the shops, but kids who catch public transport with their parents or walk are more observant. They’ll know exactly which tram, train or bus they need to take from anywhere in the city to get home, they’ll know where police stations and places that will let them use the phone are, and they won’t panic if they ever get lost. Chances are they’ll also know more people in the area. Even as a young kid I knew dozens and dozens of people all over the city I could go to for help, everyone from greengrocers and restaurant owners to the absolutely lovely (and utterly and completely harmless fyi) homeless man who lived outside my apartment.
I think kids in Australia are way too insulated. I take my nieces and nephews out and they practically cling to me, afraid of getting lost (they’re all over 8yrs old, the oldest is 12). I once tried to give them some cash and told them to get a taxi home if they did get lost and couldn’t reach me on my mobile, and the look of utter and complete panic on their faces at the thought of doing such a thing was priceless. They’re terrified of strangers, and as such would never be able to as for help. They have to have to have their hand held (literally and figuratively) when they cross the street, pay for something in a shop, use their myki cards…it’s quite frankly bordering on pathetic, and I can’t help but think they’ll end up being those 20-somethings who still have to be led step by step through basic things like catching a bus or using a laundromat.
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Agree with everything you’ve said. My daughter is 20 months, and we catch the train and bus most places. She’s already getting to know people on the bus especially, because the same people catch the bus at the same time, and they get to know us. She knows already that you pay the driver and he or she gives you a ticket, you press the button to get off, etc. She is also starting to know the stations we stop at. Because we talk about what’s happening, rather than zoning out with the radio or a dvd on in the back.
I had her at a play area in a shopping centre the other day, and a little girl about 5 came running over away from her parents. Her (I assume) Dad told her off because “Someone might take you!”. She was literally 5 metres from them. She was so freaked out, poor little thing.
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Also, She didn’t just dump her son on the Subway for the first time and say ‘fend for yourself buddy’. They had made the trip together many times before and he asked her if he could do it himself. The talked about what to do and then off he went… and nothing happened.
If you spend your life protecting people from anything happening to them, nothing will ever happen to them – not very fun for little chicko
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Dont start me on parents who let their toddlers fly down the footpath on little trikes, crossing driveways the whole way down the street. They would be invisible even in the smallest car. Parents do need to take responsibility for their childrens safety, even on the footpath.
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Dont start me on parents who let their toddlers fly down the footpath on little trikes, crossing driveways the whole way down the street. They would be invisible even in the smallest car.
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The concept of allowing kids to do things themselves isn’t about dumping them in a foreign situation and hoping for the best. The 7 year allowed to play by themselves will (ideally) already have learnt to stop and look for cars before collecting their ball.
I started taking the train by myself just after I turned 11 but my Dad had already taken me through the process of how to buy a ticket etc. I wasn’t abandoned without instruction, hence I never felt anxious or scared as I felt relatively confident in what I was doing.
On another note, there is a bunch of 5 year olds who all play outside by themselves in my street; it’s a fantastic environment and they know and abide by their limits (ie don’t leave the street or go into the house of a stranger).
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This is so hard
On the one hand, I am all for free range children – because this is what I had as a child, freedom.
On the other hand, I have also experienced stranger violence, in a kidnapping
When that happened, i basically thought “This is the worst thing ever. I never want this to happen again and I would do anything for that never to happen again”
So, how do you balance the fear of such a thing happening to your child, with giving them freedom?
Sure you can say it will probably never happen. And it probably won’t. But I find it hard sometimes now living normally, and trying not to cocoon myself. Because unfortunately things do happen.
And you can say all you like these things about self defense and awareness – but sometimes that is just not enough.
Actually, maybe this post shouldn’t get printed. It has no helpful hints. No advice. Just my horrible feeling that horrible things happen, and while you can do some things to prevent them – if someone wants to hurt you, they can.
Far out. What a horrible comment.
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I can’t imagine the horror that you experienced, you poor thing. You are right, bad things can happen and this is a really valid point.
I think underlying this discussion though, is the concern that these threats are changing the behaviour of parents and the wider community who are changing their behaviour to minimise this fear – even though kidnappings happen so rarely overall. I’m really sorry that you were in that small group and think you’re really brave for talking about it!
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I did not get kidnapped, but someone attempted to abduct me and I had to run for my life for a couple of blocks when I was 10. I remember having nightmares about it for a while, so I can only imagine what you went through. Having said that I knew the drill about “stranger danger” and safety houses etc and I managed to successfully outrun a grown man because of what I’d been taught. I make sure all of my kids have known about stranger danger, drink spiking, acquaintance rape etc as needed and hope they remember it if ever they need.
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As a child I would get home from school, throw my bag in a corner somewhere and then I was off to play with friends until dinner time. Weekends I could be gone the whole day, someones mother would generally throw together a few vegimite sandwiches to feed whoever happened to be in their yard at lunchtime.
Our own kids have freedom, but not as much as we did. I hope by letting them have some freedom they will learn to make good choices now and in the future.
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Sounds good in practice, but I hope your 11 year old son is not one of the kids I have to often stop my car for to avoid hitting them as they cross the road with NO IDEA.
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And why do they have no idea? Because they haven’t had the chance to learn how to do such things for themslves.
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I think the idea of the whole idea is to teach them the skills to deal with life.
Like teaching them to cross the road.
We live across the road from a skatepark, and my kids have spent many an hour there, and crossing the road constantly. Granted its not a busy road, but there were many lessons involved and many (MANY) rules to follow.
One lesson we learned from the whole thing was the number of kids who arent taught to cross the road safely.
Teach the skills then let the kids try out those skills.
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Thats an important point. Its not just about letting them go “free range”. You also need to explicitly teach them the skills they need to roam safely rather than expect them to learn on the run.
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