Speaking of stepchildren….
by JULIE PROUDFOOT
School holidays are almost over and the children of our blended family, who have been away with their other parents, are coming home.
I know from previous end-of-school holidays that on their return I will hit bottom: my heart will sink, a dreaded malaise will take hold and an internal fight will begin.
They’ll return, my two teenage girls and my husband’s two teenage girls, all four milling in the kitchen and bedrooms, dropping bags in doorways, giggling, mimicking, sharing holiday notes, settling back into the routine like cats pawing at their beds.
Over the last couple of years our blended family has been like shifting bookshelves: coming and going. We have six children between us, three each. Our oldest two - my daughter and his son – have now left home making lives of their own, studying, working, beginning their own families, and not least of all making me a grandmother: putting a mirror scarily to my parental face.
The sight and sounds of my own children being home again will bring me a gut-felt mix of joy, relief and pleasure. In comparison, the happiness of having my step-kids home, pales. And this is what I dread. Why don’t I feel the same gut felt joy for my steps?
The guilt sends me into confusion and that heart sinking malaise. It’s a fight that goes on within my mind and body. Where are the feelings I should be having for them?
My own children will seek me out and we’ll give mutually firm hugs with not a crack of daylight between us. My steppies? If we hug at all, we‘ll hug with moats around us, both protecting and denying. Why is it like this?
I’ve attempted to write about it. But in this situation – the blended family where fairness in all things has to prevail – once the sense that I might care for my own children more than my husband’s rears its head, I’m so horrified and disgusted in myself that I delete every evidential word from the screen.
And this is how it’s been, a pattern of desire to put pen to page to find sense in the confusion followed by the horror and hasty deletion of any evidence of a ‘bad person’.
But here I am again today with the urge to put pen to paper trying to make sense. Why persist? Because I know there has to be more to the feelings than simply the ‘evil step-mother’. And why do I know this? Because I love my step children, I care about them deeply and it’s important to me that they know this.
So when placed side by side, child against child, feeling the difference, feeling a much stronger pull to mine than his, I want to know why I lack those feelings? Why am I filled with a guilt and dread that is amplified to the point of misery?
Julie Proudfoot
The traditional story lines that come to mind about step-mothers contain the words ‘evil’ and ‘alien’. These are the words in society’s heads; these are the words in my head. And as soon as I have a less than positive thought about my steps I recoil in horror at the thought of becoming these words. This is the part where I realise the stories we tell are who and what we become: in our media, in our fiction. We are what we read and write; we are what we say we are.
So I’m telling a story about step-parenting. After years of beating myself up I think I have my answer.
When the step-children come home from spending time with their other parents I’m happy to see them. I want to know all about their holidays. Have they had fun? Are they happy? Did they eat well? I have missed them. All of them. I think and feel the same for my own children but underneath all that is another layer, a deeper layer, a kind of yearning: I thank god (even though I’m not religious) that they have come home safely.
This is it. The bit I finally understand. The reason my heart drops. I feel so bad that I don’t have that same instinctual gut wrenching yearning for my step children. I hate myself for it. This, I finally realise, is what causes my meander into unhappiness. The guilt of the disparaging difference between how I feel about my children and how I feel about my husband’s children.
Add to this the intricacies the children face having to move between two homes where they grapple with the same scenarios which must add complex detail to the situation and slow down any bonding I’m naively hoping for.
My step-children’s absence from our home to their other parent’s homes comes irregularly, mostly only school holidays, due to distance. One child has a transient parent whose home is in a different place at every school holiday visit and the other child visits a home that is anxious with illness.
These children come back fractured and confused adjusting from a free range, unmonitored environment of Facebook at 3am and fast food meals to our environment of rules and homework and regular meal times that they then have to funnel themselves into.
My own children visit their father fortnightly and occasional extra days on holidays and enter a world of travel, clothing, prawns and sushi and come back to noisily pace the floors of our mundane hallway before collapsing calmly and laying their teenage lengths contemplatively on the couch.
All four children experience what I’ve heard other parents call the ‘Disneyland parent,’ a parent who through suffering the guilt of not being in their child’s life full time lavish permission in all areas. The worlds of emotion and behaviour we all bring collide in our home (as it probably does in their other homes) and it’s surprising we don’t all implode and explode on occasions.
It’s only natural that the children that have been with me since their entry into this world, that have had skin on skin contact with me, have cried deeply and laughed unreservedly like babies and young children do and have grown in my care with my values and hopes, are more deeply ingrained in my emotions than the children that have come into my care as young adults. Thinking, feeling people that I know nothing about and who know nothing of me. These children, little people, are strangers. And in my case, teenage strangers. They no more want to feel my stranger’s instincts and arms wrapping around them then I feel comfortable in doing so.
My children have learnt my ways from the time they began to grow inside me, so much more time to grow an instinctual bond. The bond with my steppies, I’ve come to realise, has grown since I first met them and will continue to grow. It’s simply about time; it’s a burden thankfully lifted once I realise this.
Julie is a writer based in Bendigo, Victoria. She specialises in psychology of relationships and psychological fiction. You can follow her blog and/or twitter: @Rye_Ting
Comments
66 Comments so far
Julie, thank-you so much for your article. It’s so wonderful to be able to read the untold reality of step parenting and see that ‘it’s not just me’!
Ours is a newly blended family as my husband and I have been married for just over a year. Our children are younger, which probably makes some of the bonding easier, but loving my other children isn’t the easy and natural love I have for my daughter.
I know it isn’t about biological or non-biological children as I adopted my daughter when she was a baby. I love her completely and couldn’t love her more if I’d given birth to her. Step parenting is different. I love my other children and I do everything I can to care for them, but I feel the guilt too.
One thing we’re really conscious of is not using the ‘step’ term. I talk about ‘my three children’ and they refer to me as their mum (the younger will add that he has another mum and explain the situation, while the elder calls me Mum in public as she doesn’t want to stand out). We all agree that the term stepmother raises images of wickedness and we don’t want our family to have any association with that.
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I’ve read the comments here with great interest as they point to some integral elements of the step-parent/child and biological parent/child relationships.
Putting aside (but recognising they are no less important) the complexities of the dynamics of all relationships involved, what I’ve come to realise is the difficulty might be in the definition of ‘love’. What it comes down to, I think, for me is, a) I love all the children in my care, both steps and biological, and b) I have a ‘connection’ with my biological children that could be described as ‘instinctual’ or ‘gut felt’. Perhaps this connection should not be described as love? But is something completely different that is outside the realm of love.
The other interesting thing to acknowledge is it works in reverse. All the children in my care are now teenagers/young adults and as such were able to contribute to the discussion I had with my family about this article and all the children recognised and were able to verbally describe that each child in our home has a ‘special connection’ to their own biological parents, both in our home and outside of our home, no matter how difficult or estranged that relationship is.
I am thinking its possible that it helps for everyone involved in the relationships to be able to make this distinction as it can then be realised that this is a group of natural and normal feelings but unfortunately with younger children the thinking around this might be outside their abilities.
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I feel sorry for your stepchildren when they read this.
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Why don’t any of my comments appear here?
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What a heart felt article.
I wonder if the underlying issue is the trust issue – or lack of trust? Where that ‘treaty’ was never ever fully established between ‘new wife/mum replacement’ and ‘step-children’. No one wishes to let down their guard – neither you nor the children?
It makes me think that marriage should not be stepped into lightly, and not treated as the disposable commodity it is today. If people chose carefully, learned through ‘integral education’ how to communicate with one another, listen to each other, understand each other’s point of view, then we would be able to work better together as a unified team rather than just ‘drop’ each other like a hot potato once the novelty wore off.
Kids do better in a stable household.
But until then, we can only do the best we can. Maybe one day we will all be able to care for each other and each other’s children as if they were our own.
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I probably would have shared your views before I found myself in a blended family – with my husband, his children and mine. Before we married, my husband and I thoroughly talked through the complexities of our blended family to the best of our ability. We discussed the situation and what our new family would look like with the children and did our best to help them understand. We listened to them and did our best to understand their stated and unstated views. I don’t think we could have done better preparation.
However, it’s impossible to fully prepare for a blended family as there’s so much that is unknown and can’t be known until it’s a reality.
I hate that I don’t love my step-children the way I love my daughter. I do love them, I care for them, I facilitate their extra-curricular activities, I stand with my husband as we fight for their best interests.
Love for my daughter is easy and natural as breathing. Love for my other children is more difficult, but it’s a choice I make – and love can be a choice.
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I don’t agree with shuffling kids back and forth between parent’s homes after a divorce. It is incredibly confusing for a kid to deal with two sets of routines, two sets of rules, and two different step-parents. Plus it gives the kids options when they decide for half a second that they’re pissed with one parent’s rules so they will just “go and live with the other parent”. And then back and forth until they grow up.
This kind of arrangement is really just for a parent to alleviate guilt after a divorce. Children belong with their mothers unless for whatever reason it is better for them to live full time with their father. As a daughter in this situation, I never had the issue of trying to “choose”, but formed a close relationship with my Dad when I saw him a few times a year (only for a day at a time) and as he had always said (which did happen) – as an adult I can see him anytime I like.
My husband has this opinion also. His kids live full time with their mother and though he talks to them every couple of weeks, he only sees them a few times a year for a day or two at a time. There is no confusion for the children, and it does not impact our life with our own children. Should he ever leave me I would expect no different, and I believe I would have happier, more well-adjusted kids because of it.
Just a view from the other side…
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My dad had your beliefs. It did not work out best for us at all. You’d be hard pressed to find a child who understood this rationale. Stability is paramount, but feeling like your parent has just walked away, no matter what his intentions, damages a child for life. I’m 42, also divorced and it still affects me.
Adults often make the mistake of thinking children understand adult concepts. They don’t they’re understanding, on a primal level, is whether Dad loves me enough to be around me, or he doesn’t. No amount of rationalization will help the feelings of abandonment, and those feelings run deep and impact their future relationships.
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As the mother of a child who is “shuffled back and forth” between his divorced parents I can’t say I agree with guest’s comments. I love my son and his Father loves him also. My son loves us both. What should we have done; fought it out in the courts to prove who loves him more? Split the kid in half King Solomon stylee?
My ex and I decided on a 50/50 custody arrangement. Was guilt a motivator in deciding this? No, love was. Wanting our son to have the best of his Mother and his Father. Not wanting him to grow up with one, missing or resenting the other for their lack of involvement in his life. Wanting him to be secure in the knowledge that his Mother truly knows him and loves him and wants to raise him to be a decent human and that his Father feels and wants the same.
My son has two homes. He has clothes, toys etc at each house and is certainly not a “suitcase kid”, folornly dragging his belongings in a hankerchief tied to a stick between mum’s place and dad’s place. He has a Mother (and Stepdad) who love him to bits and provide a comfortable, stable home for him. He also has a Father (and Father’s girlfriend) who love him and provide the same. He is a bright, happy and well adjusted child.
I for one would be devastated if my ex decided he was only interested in seeing our child a few times a year or wanted to talk to him every couple of weeks. To say that my son would be devastated if that happened is an understatement. I get that people parent to the best of their abilities but “guest”, I can’t help but feel sad for your husband and his “ex” children and for you for not having his “other” children in your life. I don’t expect my husband (my son’s stepdad) to love my son unconditionally however I do expect him to be a good mentor and male role model and to show my son kindness. The fact that he is an open and loving man who adores my son to pieces is totally an added bonus.
As far as I am concerned, children can never have too many people in their lives who care for them and who are genuinely interested in their welfare, their feelings and their opinions; these people can be aunts, uncles, teachers, Godparents etc. Sometimes these people are step parents. Good step parents fulfill their role, sometimes with open, unconditional love and sometimes just by showing an interest in their step kids and their welfare. I’d like to think we all try to do our best as parents and step parents, whatever the situation. Life can be messy – it’s how you choose to clean up (or live with) the mess that shows what kind of person you are.
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I wish i could like this comment again.
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Wow – really Guest? As a step-child and a step-mother, your views realised shocked me.
What is it that makes you think that children ‘belong’ with their mothers? It’s not that hard to get pregnant (apologies to those who have fertility issues, but for my children’s step-mum, this is definitely the case – all fun, no responsibility), however it does take two people, and both of those people have a right to be in a child’s life (unless they are harming the child).
How sad for you, and for your husband’s children, that you were denied the opportunity to really know both parents and have them know you, while you were growing up. Of course you didn’t get to choose – it sounds like your mum took you away from your father, and to think that you’d do this if placed in a similar situation is doing your children and their father a huge diservice.
A few times a year and phone calls every few weeks is not enough; I hope your husband isn’t surprised if his children feel abandoned, although I’d be surprised if they told you that as they haven’t had much of an opportunity to develop a relationship with either of you.
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As a child of divorce, and a father who only contacted us a couple of times a year, I disagree with you completely. Fathers have a lot of impact on who you become, and not having them in your life can be tough. As someone else said, as a child you only see it as your parent walking away from you, not because they think it is more stable for you. In my dad’s case it was easier for him to walk away, and this is something that still haunts both me and my brother everyday.
Now I see my brother going through this same thing with his kids, only he wants to be a part of their lives, and he should be as he is a good dad. However, after spending almost $30 000 on solicitors costs, and getting minimal access, his ex-still thinks that it is her right to stop him from seeing his girls who are the light of his life. His girls are more screwed up because they want to see him and can’t because their mum won’t let them (or even talk on the phone mid week), than because of the measly weekend he gets to spend with them once a fortnight.
You also haven’t raised the issue of the greater family unit in your argument. Like someone else said – isn’t it better for a child to be surrounded by love in the form of a big support network than just having one side of the family? It breaks my heart that I can’t be in my nieces lives as much as I want to be, and have that opportunity to be a good role model for them, and I know my mum feels the same in the fact that she is only a part-time grandparent.
Kids have two parents for a reason, and both should be able to be in their lives if that is what they choose (except in cases of abuse of course).
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Im glad that your mother didn’t manipulate /alienate you from your Dad and you were able to build a good relationship with him. Unfortunately for me, my mum did her best to lie about everything. If I hadn’t been back and forth between mum and dad (and step mum) I would not have understood how a regular, calm and rational household worked. And doubt I would have really known the truth.
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im sure your parents did what they thought was best- but, poor you. you really missed out and now, so are your own kids.
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This must’ve been so tough to write. I admire your bravery.
I’ve been a step mum for thirteen years. I thought I knew what I was signing up for. I was wrong. I’ve always been fair, polite, courteous and kind to my three step kids. I’ve looked after them, disciplined them when I’ve needed to, and made a lot of effort to give them fun things to do, and alone time with their dad. All willingingly.
But, I don’t love them and thankfully no one is pressuring me to within the family. It’s society that does that.
I don’t feel the same about my step kids as my own kids, and I know I never will. But I have always tried to be fair with all six kids. What else can you do?
In hindsight, I would never have signed up for it if I knew then what I do now. The ex wife is so unstable and has screwed these kids up. Two are adults, one is a teen. I can’t handle them anymore. It’s at a stage where I would never hold my partner back from having a relationship with/seeing them, but I have chosen to break away from them, for the sake of my sanity and for my own childrens’ wellbeing.
The guilt from this has been hard to live with, but I will always be a mother before a step mum, even though my role was stepmother first.
We had the youngest step child living with us who was 15 at the time, and things were so out of control that I decided to live separately with the kids we’d had together but continue the relationship wtih my partner in two separate homes, if he was willing. He was. This isn’t an ordinary step situation, though, there was a lot of over the top behaviour that was tearing our entire family apart.
She ended up asking to go back to the mother, so I didn’t end up moving out with the kids
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I am so close to this right now. I care for and look after my husbands three teenage boys, an enourmous chunk of my salary goes to their welfare and upbringing. A huge amount of my emotional energy has gone into loving them. I take them on overseas holidays, buy them little things so they know I was thinking of them when I am away. I try really, really, realy hard. They don’t say please or thank you. They barely acknowledge me actually. I can’t remember the last time any of them said my name. The love that I had, because in the beginning I did, truly I did, has been eroded and eroded to the point where I now just feel nothing.
Their mother is unpleasant in the extreme, rude, and makes up endless stories about my evilness, intrudes in our lives, sends me poison filled emails and creates drama on a constant basis. After five years this is getting worse not better. I am starting to resent everyone involved including my husband. I don’t want to be around them. I sit in my car driving home on one of the 40% nights that we have them and want to cry. I thought I knew what I was signing up for too, but I had no idea of the depth of some peoples ability for sheer awfulness.
This culminated last weekend with me suggesting exactly that, separate houses. I could see my husband every second weekend and then a couple of weeknights. I’m deadly serious about this. The major impediment is that we have such massive expenses every month that this is unaffordable. The least of which is their private school fees. Does anyone else see the incredible irony of the fact that I cannot escape because my wage is needed to pay for school for children who don’t even say hello when I walk in the room.
If I had known what this would be like I would never have signed up for it. If my girlfriends meet men with children I tell them to run a mile.
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All I can offer is ((HUGS)).
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Jo, I have no idea how hard this must be – the exhaustion, the resentment and sense of being invisible must be so awful – but if you feel as though you are being erased out of your own life, take action! Be true to yourself! You deserve to live a life too! Well done too on all the energy and emotion you have put into your step-mothering. I hope one days the boys can acknowledge all that you have done.
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I completely understand the feelings behind this post but struggle to understand the motivation for putting those feelings out there on such a popular online blog, with your real name and photo attached?
No doubt mums your step daughters friends will read this and it will get back to them?
As a step child I would hate to read my step mother telling the world that she didnt feel the same way aboutr me…..
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That’s the problem, though isn’t it? Where do step parents go to talk about this stuff? I’ve done the rounds of parenting forums, and get half support, half abuse from people who have no idea. I have a counsellor, but those visits are limited and not enough time to cover everything.
I have a couple of friends who are step parents who are safe to talk to, but don’t talk to friends about it if they aren’t in that position.
This article is probably helping more step parents than you could know. We always shut up about it online, because we want to protect our step kids. But we need something, somewhere. We need someone to address it.
And honestly? My step kids accepted me pretty well in the beginning and down the track, but that was based on an understanding that they didn’t want another mother, and I made it clear I wasn’t trying to be one. I would be very surprised if the step kids actually expected me to feel the same about them as my own kids. I think they know it’s a different relationship. The older two in the early days chose to call me ‘aunty’, just to give you an idea of the type of relationship we had. That worked for us. It meant I was an adult family member, but we were all clear and fine with the fact that I wasn’t trying to be a mother.
The only time they weren’t sure about me was before they knew it wouldn’t mean they had a new mum. So I’d imagine depending on the dynamics of each family, every step child will feel differently. Some will want more, some will want less from their step parents
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I get that, completely. Talk about it, talk about it on mamamia. I think the entire article is valid. I just don’t accept that she should have made it so obvious who the step children were that she is talking about.
Great material for the kids at school to use to tease these kids about ‘not being loved’ as much by their step mum…
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Bec I agree with you. I think opening up discussions such as this are important but I do think it’s selfish and sad that the author has identified herself. In this instance the article will more than likely have a negative impact on her step children. There should be a place where these things can be discussed… Anonymously, so that relationships are kept in tact.
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I was a step-parent of sorts with my previous partner. I say of sorts as I was restricted. She was of pre-school age when we met and due to her parents ongoing conflict the poor little one was used as a pawn.
One Christmas Day she called me a couple of choice names which being 3 she obviously didn’t know the meaning of nonetheless it hurt, especially when the following time we saw her it was prefaced with “my mum said”.
It was so hard to cope with and my partner of the time didn’t do anything out of fear of losing contact with his daughter.
We are no longer together and I have rather happily moved on to a more stable, loving relationship, however it with a tinge of sadness that I read articles like this as I can only imagine how hard the inner conflict must be… unfortunately my conflict was resolved for me.
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Good article – we can all relate.
Unless the step-parent & step-child bond quickly it will always be a strained relationship. There is the sense of guilt & disloyalty a step-child feels if they get too close to their step parent. They are torned between the biological parent & the step-parent. The best you can hope for is a friendship not a parentship (is that a word).
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People did tell me how tough it would be, but I didn’t understand – I don’t think you could. I’m a stepmum (bonus mum?…nah probably just “thankbell”) to a 8 y.o. girl. With no Bio children. And I do care for her very much. But I don’t think of her constantly during the week (which I know my husband does – he’s so lovely) , unless her mother has spoken to my husband, and done something that I know will have hurt her feelings or impaired her calmness. She is the most amazing kid. I don’t struggle with my feelings of love towards her, there are lots of cuddles and such. But I do struggle with internal conversations “with her”. Like how to treat other people, kindness,lies, simplicity, manipulation, lots of things…and Im sad when I think about not getting the chance to speak to her about these things. I don’t feel like it’s my place? Maybe it just shows me how much I want the chance to have my own child and help show them?
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Wow Julie, what a brave and honest piece. I have no experience in this area but I can only imagine that the more time you spend with your steppies the more you will learn to love them. Please try not to beat yourself up – love that kind of love takes time to build. I know that it is only now when my youngest is 15 months that i am starting to love him woth the same passion and joy that i love my eldest. Good luck!
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Great article, Julie. I have not had to deal with this issue but I can see by the comments it is tough for both the step-parents and step-children. Writing articles like this, that bring these issues (perhaps otherwise unspoken issues) into discussion can only be a good thing for all. I congratulate you for sharing your heartfelt dilemma and for your honesty.
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This is a fantastic article. I have been a stepmother for about 5 years and it is the most difficult job I have ever had! I don’t have any bio children so I don’t have the conflict that the author has in her situation. However, I have conflict of a different kind. Please don’t judge me because I am extremely committed to my marriage and my stepchildren’s welfare. I would never allow my feelings to impact upon their care. However, the aforementioned conflict in my situation stems from the fact that my husband is absolutely obsessed with his children, they are the main event in his life. Some of you may be thinking “how nice” but living this reality and trying to fit into their life is an absolute nightmare. I feel so left out, rejected, rudderless, every time they come to the house (which is often). They are only little kids and deserve their father’s love (and my support of that love not to mention my own love for them). But – it is hard. Very, very hard to be the odd person out in your own home on a regular basis and to keep smiling, keep picking up the toys, loading the dishwasher, ironing school uniforms, running them to activities, working full time and still feeling so alone and rejected. It is simply put a nightmare. Many say “oh but you knew what you were getting yourself in for”. Actually, no, I don’t think anyone would become a stepparent if they knew what they were getting themselves in for.
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Totally agree with you. How could you possibly know what you’re getting yourself in for? Being a stepmum, I tell my single friends to be very careful when getting involved with a man with kids. It was hard before we had our own kids, it’s different hard now. I really hope it gets better for you, I have absolutely no advice for you as my issues are the opposite of yours. But yeah, at the end of the day they are someone else’s kids. You don’t love your friends’ kids, but you are expected to love these just because you love their father.
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Sorry but I love my step children and don’t feel like that at all. Yes you should love them and if you don’t you need to take a deep look at your relationship. You cant go into a relationship thinking i dont have to love those kids just because i love their dad of course you do if you expect them to love and accept you and to be a family. I knew what I was getting into when I started dating someone’s dad of course I knew it wouldn’t be easy they already had a mum and I was dating their dad.
To begin with they didn’t accept me but I didn’t give up I gave my whole self to those kids as if they where my own. I love them for who they are I love them because I love my husband and they are his kids I love them because they are my daughters brother and sister. I made it clear to then I was not replacing their mother but was adding another person to it. I think too many woman are just jealous of their step kids and see it as a competition and I think too many step mothers out there needed to marry a man without children. I agree with me you have even the slightest negativity towards your step children they will now about it, is it not bad enough their parents are not together anymore but to feel like they are not really wanted. Sad.
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Hi Jodie,
I am in a similar situation and I absolutely love and adore my step-son and have no trouble with the situation at all.
To me, it sounds like Guest & Kathy have relationship issues, not step-children issues as such. I am very lucky, I am in a wonderful relationship with a man who is able to balance his relationship with me, with being a part-time Dad, and he sees us a strong unit together, and a family, even it is part-time.
I knew going in, that it was a package deal and how important his son was to him, so for me it was a no-brainer, it was easy to love both of them. I know the little one has a Mum and a very good Mum, so I don’t see myself as replacing her, or trying to be anything other than a loving adult in his life, there to love, guide and nurture as I would any child in my life.
I think if there are relationship issues, then they can be bought out or magnified in a step-relationship. In my experience, honest communication is the key, and it can be a wonderful, fulfilling experience to be a step-Mum – I love it, and my family is thriving.
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Golly! If only they didn’t have relationship issues then they could have the perfect little blended family you have created with your wonderful man and his wonderful little one with her amazing mother! All they need is honest communication and they too can have the perfect life just like you Summer!!!
Or maybe, actually, they are doing the best they can with pretty difficult circumstances. Maybe their ‘little one’ hasn’t got a ‘very good mum’, maybe instead they have the ‘psychotic ex-wife from hell’ who loves nothing more than creating havoc and misery.
Maybe their relationship issues didn’t even exist until they were bled dry month in month out of every penny that both of them earned by someone who works 15 hours a week. Even to the point where the evil stepmother now works two jobs (one full time and one part time) as well as doing part time uni to pay for the ‘little ones’ private school education? Maybe she is TIRED! Maybe she wonders why public school education was okay for her ‘little one’ but not her stepchildren.
I don’t try to replace anyone, I don’t try to be their mum. I do try to instill some manners in children who are highly deficient in them despite their expensive education.
And after all that all I really needed to do was be loving adult in their lives and ove guide and nurture them. Huh! Well there you go. Problem solved! Yay Summer!!
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Bit bitter and rude maybe???? I think summers point was not made in a rude manner and I agree with her the posts come across more about sharing their husband with someone else’s child
I guess you didn’t get the dinner party rules and am sorry that your experience hasn’t been the same as summers. But you know what men with children come with baggae some good some not so good but either way your a late player to think game and as a step mum shouldn’t expect to come before a child. If I broke up with my husband I would hope our son came first.
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I am sorry you haven’t had the same experience as summer or my self and sounds like you are at the end of your rope it’s a harsh situation to be in and I feel for you I really do. But I don’t think it gives you the right to take that out on another person, you could have told summer you know what I wish I had that with my step child unfortunately this is my story etc you chose to lash out which means your not dealing with it all and I suggest you see some one who can help you express your feelings constructively, I don’t mean that in a rude way but more out of concern for you.
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Jackio, if it wasn’t clear what an awful situation you must be in, your comment would be almost funny – in a “that’s so rude”, kind of funny way.
OK, I get my comment sounded like everything is easy and all love and rainbows – but the point I was trying to make is that if there are difficulties, then it is up to the parents to go to counseling or whatever it takes to ensure their relationship is solid and that they are providing a non-confusing, united front for the raising of children. And if that isn’t happening, then it needs to be looked at.
I don’t have all the answers tied up in a bow, but I have tried to get myself and my insecurities out of the way so that I can be that loving and guiding support for the little one. His mother is a good mother, but that doesn’t mean it’s been easy with her either – she has tried all sorts of manipulative tricks and drama, so we have had a lot to overcome as well. I’ve had counseling and worked out the best way to deal with it and we’re managing the best we can too.
So yes, I know it’s not that easy, but the point I was trying to make is that the issue isn’t always the children themselves, but can be a sign of a deeper issue in the relationship. Sorry if offense was taken with my thoughts….
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Oh, I hear you. Love the comments on here btw where stepmums are not supposed to discipline their stepkids in any way, but damn you sure are still responsible for supporting them and cleaning up after them. Sorry I am not a walking atm. I’m a person. A person whose bio kids with my husband don’t get acknowledged by their ‘sisters’, their own father doesn’t even get a birthday text! But they remember the ph number as soon as they want something. And that is insulting. I really want nothing to do with them anymore.
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I absolutely love this comment. Yes, I think you are at your wits end too but thank you for being so honest and it really made me smile because I think perhaps a lot of stepparents have been there with these feelings… thanks
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Bitter? Yep. Rude? I guess that’s true too. Tired, emotional, over it, exhausted, broke despite earning a six figure salary, miserable, lonely and wondering just how this came to be my life. Absolutely.
Funny? Not even remotely.
It’s terrific that you have no trouble with the situation what-so-ever. It really is. I really hope it stays like that for you. Truly I do. Because the alternative is that you are sitting at home on a Friday night crying as you type this into the lap top wishing that you had never ended up here, being this mean bitter person. Because you didn’t ever act this way until you became overwhelmed with exhaustion and then someone with the impossibly upbeat name of Summer cheerily suggested you might just need to look at your ‘relationship issues’ to find the answers of the impossible to untangle mess that your life has become since the entrance of your stepchildren and the head spinning nightmare that is their mther and I kind of snapped and lost my manners.
Apologies.
Although I will add that at most of the dinner parties I go to – if someone had suggested that my difficulties with my stepchildren hinged on my relationship issues they would have got the same mouthful, just verbally. And yes, men with children come with baggage – I just didn’t expect that bagge to be filled with concrete tied around my ankles and thrown into the Yarra. So I should just put up with anything because my husband had children before I met him?
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Hi Jodie thanks for your post. You may have misunderstood mine though, I didn’t say I didn’t love my stepchildren, I do. I too have thrown myself wholeheartedly into the stepparenting situation. I have had counselling when things have been too much. I’m just saying, it’s very difficult always being the odd man out, carrying the exact same parenting responsibilities as your partner but never being anyone’s chosen person. When it comes down to it, and I guess what I’m trying to say (perhaps ineloquently) is that it is hard being in a “family” where the dad would always choose the kids over you if it came down to it and the kids would always choose the dad over you. You’re sort of nobodies favourite and sometimes that can make it hard.
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Sorry Kathy but I just couldn’t go past this comment “you don’t love your friends’ kids” Really?! I think you may be speaking for just yourself there. I love my friends children with all my heart, and I think you’ll find many others feel the same.
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I was someone’s step child who felt the same way you do she didn’t tell me she didn’t have to it was just there and it hurt.
I was a child missing my dad my hero I was used to him putting me first because he no longer saw me every day and I no longer saw him every day. My step mother felt he was obsessed with me but he wasn’t he was hurting just like I was because the baby he brought home from the hospital was taken away and he felt he had to make up for it.
My step dad he didn’t feel the way my step mother did he accepted me as if I was his own that’s how he treated me that’s just how he was. I had two dads but because of the way my step mother felt she wasn’t my mother because she didn’t want to be don’t get me wrong she was nice but that’s about it.
I think step mothers feel the way they do especially if they have never been married because they want to be number one in their mans life and they never will be because his number one will always be his kids.
Your step children know how you feel and you probably find because of that they hold back from you.
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Actually, I think you underestimate the bond between many men and their chosen partners. Key word being chosen. Perhaps when you have experienced a few relationships you may realise that in many relationships the ‘husband and wife’ need to put their relationship first in order for the rest of the family to flourish.
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I can relate to this article, but from the perspective of a step-child.
My stepdad married my mum when I was 8 and was more of a father to me and my brother than my biological father ever was. He has loved and cared for us as if we were his own. However, the relationship he has with my half-sister (I hate that term, she is my sister!), is different. Although I’m sure he loves us all equally, I do detect the ‘instinctual bond’, that the writer has identified between them.
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I think it’s there too (the instinctual bond). My husband has been a great stepfather to my two older children, they have called him dad for a long time, but everyone in the family knows that he’s just a trifle more”precious” about his 2 biological children. I think the best part is that my older kids are mature enough to accept it as it is.
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I am a step mother to 4 whose mother died years ago. I have 2 of my own. We are a family of 6 who live together all the time
I thank you for putting in words something which is hard to describe. You cannot love your step kids as much as you own, sometimes I think it is a biological thing ie I LOVE the way my kids smell.
My step kids love me more than my own kids too and I try and try and try to be even to love them all the same…. but it is hard
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Thank you for being so refreshingly honest. We have had step children come into our family via their parent with custody marrying into our family quite quickly. I think its also important to acknowledge the way the whole extended family may feel about these relationships too. I feel that we have had these kids pushed onto us far too quickly, and I’m sure they feel the same way. We hardly knew them and they hardly knew us and we were expected to treat them like our other nieces and nephews (who we have known since birth and have grown to love) and they were expected to call us aunty and uncle and greet us with hugs and kisses, which I think is really unfair on them. All of these relationships take time to evolve and for trust and respect to be built. And maybe then a loving relationship can result, however that doesnt happen overnight and its realistic to accept that this also may never happen. These kids have grown up with different values to the other kids in our family so it is difficult for all of us.
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I just wanted to say “Go Bendigo”.
I know nothing about being a step parent or child, but I wanted to comment anyway.
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I’m glad you were able to put this in words, I have the same battle. My step-son came to live with us as he entered his teenage years. I was pregnant with my first child!. It was a tough time, our bond has deepened over the year and I love him, care for him and bend over backwards to do the best for him. The love though, the primal bond, is not there. I worry about him, I stress about the fact he’s now 18, driving, working, in a serious relationship and going out partying. But I don’t lose sleep and feel ill the way I do when worrying about my own children. The hardest part is trying to be a good parent (reminding them about manners, giving them vegetables, setting boundries) and then watching as their other parent, miles away, lets them run crazy during the holidays and spoils them rotten with no regard for responsible parenting. It’s not easy on step-kids to live with someone who is not their parent and it’s tough on step-parents to be fully responsible for a child they barely know. Those step-parents who say it’s easy to love a child or that they love their steps as much as their own, my hat goes off to you. Loving a child isn’t hard but caring for them 24/7 with no thanks by way of cuddles and the special smiles you get from your own children, is a tough gig.
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this is such an interesting article. I am not sure how I feel about it. I am not a ‘step’ parent, but my husband is. We met when my daughter was 10 months old. By the time she learnt to walk and talk he was daddy. He has been through all the parenting of her that I have, both the good, the bad and the f’ing terrifying. I can’t imagine that the way he loves her and the bond between them is any ‘less’ than what I feel for her.
When she spends time with her biological father, the adjustment to coming home and having rules (cleaning teeth?!? bedtime!?! ) is always a challenge- directly proportional to the length of time she has been away. A weekend visit? things are back to normal by the next day, a week long visit, takes about a week to settle down again etc etc She is clingy and need of reassurance from both myself and my husband- in fact I would say slightly more so with him…
I take my hat off to the “step” parents of the world, if you are parenting these little/ young people with compassion, love & patience you are doing an amazing job.
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Reading the comments, and I have to wonder … if we had a 2nd child and my husband had his own biological child would the love he has between the two children be different?
The thought that it might be is difficult for me to imagine… how heartbreaking for the eldest if that were the case. The concept that this might be the case had never crossed my mind until I read this article & comments…
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Like you, my step mother came into my life when I was a young adult. I never had an expectation to be loved by her like she loves her own children – and nor do I love her like my mum. Admittedly, we don’t live together and I already have a great mum – but the way your step-kids feel might surprise you. As long as you are caring and kind I think you are doing pretty well!
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My step-son visits us fortnightly. My husband and I have a son together and another on the way. I can’t help it, but I don’t love my step-son like I do my own. I wish I did, but to be completely honest, compared to what I feel for my own son, the best I can describe my feelings is as “extreme fondness”.
I’ve been in his life since he was 4 and we’ve always gotten along. I’ve no desire to replace his mother (and have been chastised by her if she thinks I’m getting too close or overstepping boundaries). This leaves me in a weird limbo where I have to discipline him and care for him when he’s with us, but I don’t feel comfortable showing him the level of affection I do with my own.
The only way I’ve found to make sure he doesn’t feel left out and unloved is to show my own son the same level of affection as my step son when he’s with us. So I don’t cuddle or kiss either of them. It’s not that big a deal – the little one is so obsessed with his older brother he doesn’t notice if I’m there or not! But I wonder how else to do it. My step son is getting into his teens where physical contact isn’t too cool, and he’s an extremely important part of our family: to his brother, he’s number one.
Any advice stepkids can give here would be much appreciated!
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Hi Susan,
It sounds like you’re doing a terrific job. Being in a ‘step’ relationship is trick from both sides.
Speaking from my own experience as a step-child, it would have helped for my father to take on the bulk of the discipline etc rather than leaving it up to my step-mother. Not always easy when you are the one there, but it’s the ‘real/full’ parent’s responsibility particularly if the step relationship is new or under pressure.
Also, it may help to have some one on one time with your step son, this may strengthen your attachment.
Good luck
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It’s so hard because I don’t know WHAT I would have wanted from my stepmother, though I know I didn’t get it. A girlfriend? She wasn’t interested or capable in parenting me and I wouldn’t have let her, I don’t think, if she’d tried. Particularly for children who have battling loyalties I think it’s important for steps to remember that you are the adult and the child is a child, children can screw up, but they are still children. You need to show them that they have a place in your life, and that they are important to the family, not that they are an unwanted ‘before’ in your perfect new family.
I think that was one of my problems and still is, it was like growing up, my stepmother didn’t really want to acknowledge my existence as a very important part of my father’s life in the present and not in the past.
Now I’m an adult we are close to being friends I think, a conspirator? With younger children around I think this is definitely a good way to go, to make the stepchild feel like your ‘ally’ in looking after the younger brothers or sisters.
I did NOT take well as a pre-teen girl to my stepmother disciplining me or reprimanding me, my opinion on this is that if you’re not prepared (or able which is fine) to put in the affection/love then you don’t get to discipline. If your relationship is in the realm of distanced steps then leave discipline to the parents because it’s not your place.
Hope maybe some of this helps? It’s good to get it off my chest.
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. The last paragraph was really insightful and helpful, and that’s after having been a step-child for a few years myself.
I discipline my step-daughters as I imagine I would my own children, and love them the same. I definitely put in the hard yards with them and am proud to be their step-mum. I’ve decided however that when they are older (teens? maybe younger?) that their Dad can do most of the disciplining! I hope that they will still love and respect me as they do now, and that they don’t think they are unwanted or a blemish on our family.
I always say to my partner that as hard as being a step-parent is, I wouldn’t give those girls back for the world.
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I know exactly what you mean Susan. The limbo. I have a stepson but no children of my own. I currently feel like I’am in that Limbo place. What are my responsibilities? For the first two years I was very parent like, and shared the parental role with my partner but instead of easier it got harder because I don’t get to hear things like “Goodnight -insert name-” or “Goodmorning -insert name”. People say that parenting is a thankless job even when its their own children but at least they get kisses and cuddles sometimes.
My step son likes me and I like him but there are no cuddles or kisses. He likes to wrestle with me and hang off my legs but the one time i tried to hug him it was really awkward so i haven’t tried again. Im afraid that when i have my own child I’ll want to smother them with cuddles and kisses and this will make my step son feel left out or something. Although he’ll be about 10 by then so maybe it wont bother him. Im afraid i’ll have to do what you do and hold off when hes there.
Its hard to discipline and care for someone when theres that physical barrier there. It kinda started to eat away at my efforts because it didnt seem to matter whether i put in 110% or 20%. Which also makes you fell like crap because then you think “Oh they dont really need me”.
So hard. Thanks for letting me vent.
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My stepmother and I did not get along at all for the first seven or eight years of our relationship. My dad cocked the whole thing up and I am still not over it. Then my 1/2 sister was born when I was 12. Stepmother and I improved, now I am 20 we get along okay, we go shopping and things like that when I visit. We are not people who have anything particularly in common other than my dad and my sister but that’s enough. Do I love her? Not really, no. But is she part of my family? Yes she definitely is, and over the years I have become fond of her. I’d say she feels something rather similar towards me. It’s a very weird relationship.
Be careful with your step children. It’s so easy to hurt kids from broken homes already. It really is. I hope I’m never a step parent or ever have children who are in that position. It’s not fun.
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As a ‘step-child’ this was difficult to read. My mother died when I was 2 and my father remarried when I was 3. My father and step mother went on to have two kids who are clearly her children.
I understand that my step mother doesn’t feel for me the way she does about her own children and there is nothing that I can do about that. However, it would hurt a lot less if it wasn’t so obvious.
So to all step parents out there, there’s no point in feeling guilty about the stronger connection you have with your own children, just do your best not to advertise it.
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Thank you for giving a step-child’s perspective Moi, and I’m sorry you feel that way. I have two step-daughters but no biological children of my own yet. I hope that when I have my own children that I love them all the same, as I adore those girls and would never want them to feel like this.
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Great point!
You can’t feel what you don’t feel, but don’t advertise it.
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I would just like to say how proud I am to see a writer from Bendigo on here. Bendigo is my home town and even though I haven’t lived there for just over 10 years I’m still proud of where I have come from.
A great and honest article!
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thanks for such an honest article Julie
I for one appreciated it a lot
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I’ve struggled with this too.
When I first started a relationship with my partner, people would tell me that I’d have to love his children like they were my own. I felt horrendously guilty because I didn’t and I didnt see it happening in the future. I dont have children of my own yet but I cant imagine loving the stepkids in the same was as I do my own children. My hat goes off to women who can.
But the more I thought about it, the less guilty I feel. the stepkids dont need me to love them in that same way – because they have their own mother for that. They have a strong bond with their mother and the benefit of having that person who will always be on their side.
Why shouldnt my (future) children have the same?
I think people underestimate how difficult being a step parent is. It’s not like it comes with a manual for how to deal with the kids, their mother, their extended family!
I do my best and hope that when the kids are old enough, they’ll see that and forgive any mis-steps I’ve made along the way.
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I’m not a step parent. But my husband is… to my eldest. He has been his sole parent as the “real/biological/sperm donor” father is not in the picture at all. My husband has been the sole male role model since Mark was 18 months old, he’s now 14. We now have two junior boys (babies really) of our own together. My husband hugs and kisses his boys, something he never did with Mark.
Its parenting but not quite the same, hence its step parenting.
I wonder if its the same with adopting. I don’t think so. But the thing that’s weird is when my husband fell in love with me, he knew it was a two for one deal. Maybe he just never “fell in love” with my son, but my goodness he loves him.
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Wow he never hugged or kissed an 18 month old child! Seems a bit…cold!
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Some really heartfelt stories from all angles here. I am a mom to 5 children…2 are biologically mine and 3 are my husbands biological children. We do the best we can and when we have the majority of our children together its always about the kids and thats how we want it. We were both in previous relationships where we were unhappy and when we finally came together there was much turmoil on both sides. My family disowned me and my ex-husband became vindictive and violent (still is vindictive) and my husbands ex-wife to this day is manipulative and 3 years later still tries to be wherever she can thinking she may have contact with my husband. Very clear she hasn’t let go…..however in all this craziness there’s still our love for each other and the love we have for all our kids…we have lost one of my husbands daughters to the mother as she has manipulated her and turned her against us to the point where her father and her don’t speak but the bonus for her is that at 15 she has had a series of boyfriends can go out whenever she likes and dresses and acts as if she is 25! This is how her mother has won her over….we cannot sell our values to keep a child under our roof when bribery like this is what we would need to compete with. We have rules, we have chores, we have DVD nights and dancing nights…we do the best we can to just love the kids we are blessed to have around us. I do see differences with the way my husband treats my bio kids where he is more disciplined with them and then when his bio son comes home he is careful…but its because of the fear he has that he could loose him the same way we lost the daughter to a manipulative mother who is in it for her own gain not for “what’s best for the kids”. This is where communication is key between my husband and I. We don’t always get it right…and I think that’s part of the guilt we carry but we try together, remind each other, pull each other up on things we don’t like, which, sometimes we don’t even realise were doing but the family we have under our roof at any given time is what comes first at the time. The rest of the time we hope those children that go to the other parent on access weekends don’t get used as pawns and are emotionally damaged in this never ending game that we have to manage. Is it tough? Of course it is! Is it worth it? Absolutely! We never forced any of the kids to refer to us as Mom and Dad….they choose when they were ready if they wanted to…and can I tell you…it happened sooner because they had a choice but with that came the backlash from the their other parents saying “that’s not your Mom and that’s not your Dad” and that’s the rub…you can do all the right things to love all the children equally…but when those kids are faced with anger, bitterness and hatred from the other parent your road is 10 times harder to cross…not impossible just harder. My ex-husband remarried and insists my daughter calls his wife mummy…my daughter came home and said “She’s nice, she never cooks me anything and doesn’t do mummy things with me so why should I call her mummy?”….that will be up to my daughter to answer…..
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