‘My teenage son was very difficult. Then my closest friend told me what she really thought of him.’

When Kathy’s* middle son, Tim*, was a little boy, his behaviour was what many people would describe as ‘naughty’. He’d complain a lot and had a habit of breaking things that weren’t his. He’d hide important items, like keys, remote controls and wallets, under his bed, and lie about where they were.

"As a young boy, he was always in the so-called naughty corner at school," Kathy says. Then, things became a little worse, the behaviour a little more challenging. He started stealing at school, sometimes from the teacher’s desk. He’d occasionally pick on other kids, and became mean, even cruel, to his older brother, tearing up his artwork and destroying his things.

Watch: Newington College Old Boys And Parents Protest School’s Decision To Admit Girls. Post continues after the video.

"He was very physically loving with us, though, and my goodness he was the cutest person in our family, dog included," shares Kathy. 

"He drove me nuts, and I yelled a lot but we held hands everywhere and had a lovely way of saying goodnight to each other. And he was incredibly funny and very, very social with any and all adults who came into the house and also with kids he didn’t even know."

It takes a village. 

Once, many mums felt shame about their baby not sleeping or their toddler's public tantrums. These days, things are a little different. Thanks to mothers' groups and a culture of sharing, particularly through social media, parenting forums, and first-person media articles, mums know parenting isn't easy. They rally around each other. They don’t judge. Awareness around neurodiversity has also increased, and with that brings increased tolerance for different types of behaviours and reactions to social situations.

When it comes to teenagers though, both the behaviour and other people’s reactions to it, starts to change. The behaviour itself is often more serious; the reactions more judgemental. The village? Well, the village often disappears altogether. The weight then, falls directly on the shoulders of parents, who are often blamed for their teen’s actions — by schools, friends, and sometimes even family.

As Tim became older, Kathy says his "ratbag-ish naughtiness became a little dangerous." Tim started selling vapes at school, taking drugs and drinking. He made no secret of what he was doing and soon began using racist and sexist language.

"Once he called the cops on my husband saying he’d physically abused him and we had no idea what was even going on," says Kathy. "That was the scariest thing he did in my mind because it was so controlled and planned."

Kathy and her husband didn’t know why he was acting this way, it certainly wasn’t by their example. At least they didn't think so. They did all the things you’re supposed to do when your child is struggling with behaviour — they took Tim to a child psychologist, to school counsellors. They enlisted the help of grandparents, uncles and friends, they tried to spend quality time with him.

"We were really lucky in that we had two other kids who just didn’t give us any problems and we had great relationships with them so we knew it wasn’t us. If he had been our only child, I would’ve been convinced it was all our fault.

"That said, I constantly—still—wonder what I did to him that might’ve caused him pain and why didn’t I understand that he needed me differently than the other two did? Could I have been better with him?"

These are the types of questions that plague many parents of challenging teens, left to carry feel the weight of other people’s judgment, as well as the ripple effect within their families, such as neglected siblings and conflict between the parents.  

"I felt so judged, with his teachers and adults I did not know, such as other kids’ parents," shares Kathy. 

"I just kept wanting to tell everyone—have you met this one? This one is also our kid. Tim went to a different high school than his brother and that used to really annoy me, that the staff at his school had no idea our firstborn got straight As and was polite and kind."

Then there was the so-called village, that began to dwindle. One of Kathy’s closest friends told her in no uncertain terms what she thought of Tim. She shared those views with their network of friends too. Her scathing judgement left Kathy with no choice but to withdraw from the friendship completely.

Of course, it’s not just fear of judgment that can keep parents of challenging teens quiet; as mothers, we also want to protect our children, regardless of what they’ve done. We want others to see the best in them, just as we do. As they become older, protecting their privacy also becomes important. 

"I was always a bit nervous about how much I told my folks who live in the US. I wanted them to love him no matter what, and if they weren’t seeing him a lot, only hearing about all the problems, could they?"

The problem is, that leaves parents feeling isolated and alone, as they deal with an issue that essentially takes over their life. "It was incredibly consuming. Obsessively consuming. How do you find a balance in protecting your child and getting support for yourself?"

She's not alone. 

"Having teens is extremely isolating," says one mum. "One of my children had a drug problem and had trouble with the police. My family thought I was a hopeless parent. My friends' children were much younger, so they didn't understand. The school just wanted to be rid of my child and my partner and I disagreed about what to do. I was very lonely and isolated and full of shame."

Another mum joined a forum for support, and says most of the members felt isolated and judged.

"Sometimes no matter what the parent does, the child will struggle. Most parents do already blame themselves and endlessly analyse their parenting decisions. Were we too strict? Too permissive? Did we not hug them enough? Was it because we moved house at a critical time in their life? We are always beating ourselves up over decisions that other parents make all the time without consequence," she says.

Many parents play down their problems to protect their children, and deflect judgement, leaving them even further isolated. "I still say, 'he's so naughty', it somehow sounds more playful than what the reality was, more acceptable, more like 'well, that's pretty common'," she adds.

Stop playing the blame game. 

According to clinical psychologist, Phoebe Rogers, parenting a difficult teen can leave parents feeling completely helpless, often blaming themselves, because they feel like everybody else does. But Rogers says, parents and households aren’t always responsible for challenging teenagers. 

"Troubled teens do come from good homes and good parents. A teen's mental health issues are often complex and multifactorial, not simply about the parenting," Rogers says. 

"It can be related to peer influences, social pressures, social media, temperament, their own mental health issues (genetic or not); a parent can often feel stressed, tested, and worn down, and we can't expect them to have perfect responses all the time."

It can be especially difficult for parents, when they feel like they’ve tried all the recommended approaches: kindness and empathy, firmness and boundaries, therapy for the child, parents, family, school interventions. 

"This can be exhausting," according to Rogers, who says these feelings are exacerbated because of shame and fear of judgement, which often keep parents quiet.

"I think when we keep our feelings in, they perpetuate the shame — it's too embarrassing to share, and no one will get it; so you feel more alone, more disconnected, more hopeless and helpless, and this stress can eventually impact your mental health."

Rogers says parents must be able to safely share their experiences, not only for support, but to recognise that they're not alone in their struggles. But while others are passing judgment rather than offering support, talking about it, can be doing more harm than good.

"(If) they've already shared with others and felt misunderstood and blamed, (they may) no longer trust they'll get the empathy they need," she says.

"We need to start from a place of compassion and non-judgment; parenting is the toughest job on the best day. Having an open-minded and curious approach, rather than judging helps."

* Names have been changed to protect privacy.

What has your experience been like parenting a teenager? Tell us in the comments section below.

Featured Image: Getty.