Nadia Ilse is 14 years old. For years she’s been called “Dumbo Ears” by the kids at school because of the way her ears stick out from her head.
Earlier this year, she underwent $40,000 worth of plastic surgery to make the bullying stop. She had an otoplasty – an operation to pin her ears back – and she also had a rhinoplasty (to reduce the size of her nose) and a mentoplasty (which altered the shape of her chin).
The surgery was paid for by the Little Baby Face Foundation, a charity that “transforms the lives of children born with facial deformities through corrective surgery”. They flew Nadia and her mother from their hometown of Georgia to New York City where she had the operation.
After the surgery, Nadia said she felt better about herself emotionally and physically. “I feel beautiful, I feel better about myself,” she said.
Take a look at the video:
This week after she went back to school and faced her bullies for the first time since the operation, Nadia said: “A lot of people said that I looked different and that I was really beautiful, I’m excited about that… I believe in forgiveness, but I will never forget the times that they did that, the times they made fun of me, and the times they hurt me. You have to make them earn it.”
Since the surgery, Nadia has become a bit of a poster girl for the charity. But her surgeries have also brought about the question of whether plastic surgery is the best method to reduced the instance of bulling in schools – and more generally in society. And to what extent it should be allowed for young people, whose bodies haven’t finished developing yet.
The charity’s founder Dr Thomas Romo – who is also the man who performed Nadia’s surgery – says he’s just doing his part to help kids who are being bullied. This from The Age:
”Did I cure everything in her life? Was I the only thing she needed? Of course not,” said Dr Thomas Romo, founder of the foundation. ”But I did my part.”
During an on-camera interview, Dr Romo can be heard telling Nadia: ”I love thin chins but I don’t want them as pointy as [your] chin.” He also tells the teen her nose is crooked.
To people who might decry such surgery, his message is blunt: ”Screw you. You don’t have to do it on your child, but don’t tell someone else they can’t help a kid feel better about themselves. I’m happy that I can provide this.”
But Nadia’s surgery also has its critics with some saying surgery is not going to end bullying and that the practice sends the wrong message to kids. This from The Huffington Post:
Vivian Diller, a psychologist and author of “Face It,” questions whether plastic surgery is the right thing to do in bullying situations She wrote last month: “A solution to bullying that involves surgical procedures (which have their own set of physical risks that few talk about) is a terrible message to give both bullies and their victims.
Do we really think that changing physical features undoes the emotional damage created by being teased? And aren’t we validating the very message behind bullies’ actions, that diversity and variation is bad? We need to be encouraging young people to admire and embrace differences — and that starts from an early age.”
What do you think of plastic surgery as a solution to bullying?









Comments
150 Comments so far
this is completely dysfunctional as a society,the girl needs therapy and a supportive family ,not surgery.At the very most,the ears alone should have been done ,not the chin and nose which looked normal(the nose was a bit crooked but even that is normal).There is no way this surgery should be free,if she wants she or the family can save for it,its elective surgery.
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It may be a bullying solution for her, but it really doesn’t stop it all together. What’s to stop the bullies from moving onto another victim/target? Plus, if she used plastic surgery as an escape goat, what other means/route will she be willing to take when another problem arises?
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This is completely idiotic so many things wrong with this especially the part where it is a non-profit. They must be getting money from somewhere and I feel this money could be used more wisely in other places.
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It is sad! Bullying is a systemic problem in our culture. The ethics of performing certain facial surgery on teens concerns me, because as a teenager one’s face has not fully matured. For instance, the jaw bone is the last bone to mature in the face. I will generally only perform cosmetic surgery on the ears and the nose for a teenager under the age of 18, and only after a thorough consultation with the teen and his or her parents. I believe that informed and thoughtful guidelines must be observed during a consultation.
Dr. Rhys Branman
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Firstly I don’t take issue if you have genetic abnormalities and wish to correct them. Presumably, this is why the surgery was paid by a charity and not considered elective.
Secondly, I think it’s always important that you not always believe what you read or presume you are given all the facts. Some independent research will allow you to make your own mind up.
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all appearance is genetic,she has genetic variation ,not abnormality,we all do,her differences arent deformities by any credible surgeons standards.She got the surgery due to psycholigical stress the bullying was having.
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I got angry about this story when it first broke and am still angry now.
Quick test: Let’s say that there is a cute little girl at school who is maga-smart. Unfortunately the other little children bully her relentlessly as a result of her being kinda nerdy. Now imagine we take $40,000 to perform brain surgery on the little girl to dumb her down and allign her IQ more closely with that of her peers…
OR- image that if instead of performing invasive surgery, we use that $40,000 to create a whole of school anti-bullying program which seeks to address the culture of bullying and which actually benefits ALL the children who are being bullied at that school. Imagine if instead of changing one little girl- we actually sought to change culture. And imagine if instead of validating the bullies behavior (by pandering to it) we actually used the 40 000 to equip the bullies with skills and strategies to better manage their anger….
Nah- let’s just pay for the nose job. Much easier- PLUS you get world wide media attention. WOOOOTT!
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excellent comment Nina
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Does this mean when she has children, she will see them as ugly and have them have surgery to get rid of the family traits?? Does anyone even think about the next generation and realise those children will come out as you and not your surgery???
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Interestingly I had plastic surgery on my nose at 20 years of age. When I had children 8 years later, they have lovely shaped noses (they are grown up now). Of course I’m not implying this was as a result of my nose job – just glad they didn’t gey my original snoz.
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My cousin allso had her ears pinned back and I think thats totally fine, but getting a nosejob too… at 14!! That is not fine and her parents should not have allowed that. Absolutely destructive. I have to wonder what this girl will be like as a parent and whether she’ll look back and regret the nosejob? Again, so not appropriate for 14yo.
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Interesting. My sister was bullied when she was very little (preschool and the start of primary school) because she had HUGE ears. Even at this age she became very self consious about them.
My parents made the decision to pin her ears back when she was very, very young. I know many people would disagree with this as she was so young and many would see it as a vanity procedure but my sister is now 22 and is thankful she had the procedure when she was young.
A good family friend also had her sons ears pinned back when he was very, very young.
Why not? Good has only come out of the procedure.
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Better to have ears pinned when young as the cartilage is much softer so the surgery is easier with less recovery involved. Much harder to do when older.
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I think it is a bit hypercritical of other adults to weigh in on the debate as to whether this girl and her family made the right choice or not – who has not plucked their eye brows, waxed some part of their body, coloured or style cut their hair to feel refreshed/ renewed/ good about themselves?? Bullies will always be bullies. Let this girl feel good about herself on the outside while also learning to find her inner strength and beauty on the inside – i think the both should coincide.
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you are completely missing the important point of this debate.Beauty regime isnt analogous to risky major facial surgery.No teenager should be getting those surgeries to prevent bullying and no society should support it by paying the fees,its an entirely unhealthy response psychologically.By getting the surgery she will not find any mental strength ,the surgery negates that option by confirming the belief that you cannot be happy if you dont look a certain way.I look quite different due to inheritance and being involved in a few sports accidents and was bullied for yrs over my looks and did ask for surgery but my shrink knew wisely it was barking up the wrong tree,therapy is the answer,change the inside,not the exterior.Any smart adult should be able too see that.
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Well I thought the chin and nose surgery was going a bit over the top until I read this on the foundation’s blog and saw the photo towards the bottom of the post.
http://littlebabyface.org/blog/archives/297
She has hemifacial microsomia and you can see in the bottom photo that her face is quite asymmetrical.
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I’ve already replied to this once and my reply vanished. I hope that it vanishing was just a forum computer gremlin and not mamamia’s new commenting policy as I don’t feel that I breached the guidlines.
Here is another go…
Thanks for the link to the image as it explains a lot of things for example why she had to have such extensive surgery. If I had known that previously I would not have made a comment earlier questioning why her operation was paid for by a charity.
One of the issues that I have with this forum is how at times you only get half the story plus an emotive headline, which is what I most respectfully feel is the case with this post.
Mods: if this negative opinion of mine breaches your new guidlines resulting in you deleting my comment I would appreciate an e-mail alerting me to the fact that no negativity is to be expressed.
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I agree. I think the story has been mis-represented because it is missing that crucial bit of information.
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Surely the surgeon has questions to answer about whether the nose and chin surgery was necessary. Does he also alter labia’s and vagina’s if he considers them ‘deformed’?
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I’m a primary school teacher and last year one of my Year 1 students had her ears pinned back so in her grandmother’s words ‘she won’t get teased like I did’. This child was 6 years old, I still don’t know what to think as it was only after they told me this was happening that I looked at her ears!! They really weren’t that bad!
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Geez, my ears stick out and I never thought I needed ‘Corrective surgery for deformities’. Ouch! LOL I too go bullied about my dumbo ears..I figured being teased was just part of being a kid. Like PP said, kids will find anything to pick on.
And erm, is it just me? Or does she kind of look better before??
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I know this isn’t a very original comment but kids will always find something to bully about if they want to! I didn’t have big ears but I copped it for having a weird last name, knowing big words, having foreign parents etc (not even racism, we’re white, but kids will be dicks no matter what). If she’s happier now that’s nice but it’s not sustainable. Soon enough she’ll just be teased for being surgery girl. Kids are sh*ts. It’s a fact.
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I have just had a breast reduction a week ago and i am in my early forties. I had big boobs since i was fourteen size DD/e on a size 10 frame which got bigger after childbirth. At school i was teased and known as big boobs etc i could not participate in sport comfortably even though the teachers made me and i was sexually harrassed by grown men from a very young age. Those boobs pretty much ruled my life and self esteeem what i would have given to have had the reduction at 16 and how different my life would have been if only cosmetic surgery was as great back then as it is now and i knew how life changing it could be.
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Had the same issue so I just started refusing to participate – but I’d kick ass in the theory component of PE so they couldn’t mark me down, and my mum worked too much to come to the school to make me participate so I pretty much won the battle.
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I had my ears pinned back when I was 25yrs old. I so so so so wish my parents could have afforded for me to have it done when I was a lot younger. I remember being teased and wishing so much to wear my hair in lovely ponytails. Im glad it was the 80′s while I was at school, everyone else had big and long hair so my ears were hidden most of the time. Whilst pregnant with my children, I knew without a doubt that if they inherited my ears I would have given them the operation before school started. Amazingly both my kids have lovely pinned back ears YAY!
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I had my ears pinned when I was 21, and when each of my children were born I always laughed and was thrilled that they got my “new ears”!
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Yes Sonia I know what you mean! I still cant believe my kids have wonderful pinned backed ears. I bet you loved wearing ponytails, as i did, when you got the operation!!!
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p.s.
This condition is progressive and becomes more apparent as the individual matures. The condition is more visable in this picture:
http://www.littlebabyface.org/blogart/Nadia-Ilse-Pre-Frontal.jpg
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Thanks for the link, it explains a lot. The post didn’t detail the extent of the girl’s deformity, instead it made it sound like cosmetic surgery.
I say (with respect) that only getting half the story tagged with an emotive headline, is an issue that annoys me with this forum.
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Yes thanks for this link, so agree with what you said re half the story. Plus the other children on there with missing ears etc more than add to this. She would be the less “deformed” of all these kids but it helps raise awareness for this issue. Many children I taught in Special Ed had similiar facial characteristics. Fragile X and Foetal Alcohol Syndrome kids can have similiar ears to hers too plus assymmetric features. Interesting her brother has cerebral palsy too.
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Adding to this I found out her brother has mitochondrial cerebral palsy. Mitochondrial diseases are the result of either inherited or spontaneous mutations in mtDNA or nDNA which lead can affect cells and tissues in development and it can deteriorate as we get older. This can also cause facial problems like irregularities in symmetry, misshaped ears and get can worse as you grow.
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Personally i think she looks like an average 14 year old going through that awkward phase.
According to the website though her features were assymetrical due to a birth defect called Hemifacial Microsomia.
littlebabyface.org/blog/archives/297
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I had my daughters ears pinned back at about the same age after years of being called Dumbo.
“Do we really think that changing physical features undoes the emotional damage created by being teased”- no but it prevents further damage by continued teasing.
“And aren’t we validating the very message behind bullies’ actions, that diversity and variation is bad? We need to be encouraging young people to admire and embrace differences “- once again, yes- but its all very well to say that when you don’t have a child whose life is made difficult by being the “different” one. We live in a society where only perfection seems acceptable- “dumbo” ears just don’t quite cut it.
While I’m not a big fan of cosmetic surgery and hate the reality that we live in a society that makes us feel that we need it- but I dont regret having it done for my daughter- and certainly, neither does she
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I knew girls who had their ears pinned back when they were in primary school. It’s understandable. But I do wonder about the necessity of the other surgeries? Maybe a haircut that suited her face more could have been a more appropriate step…
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Hi,
My parents asked me if I would like my ears pinned back when I was at primary school, grade 5. I did, and it was the best decision I have made.
I truly believe, if I hadn’t gone ahead with the operation at the time, I would not be where I am today.
I thank my parents for the encouragement and opportunity. I do believe it has changed my life to a certain degree, its given me confidence within myself.
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“Make your weakness your armour and no one can ever hurt you with it”
I love this quote – whatever you’re struggling with, conquer it and you’ll never be afraid of it again. If you can, change it, if you can’t, laugh about it, and make it uniquely yours
And the kids who were teased? they usually end up being the kindest, most daring and determined adults when they realise the bullies were just missing the point.
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Like many others, I agree with the decision to pin her ears back, i think a lot of parents would do the same if they could, but altering her chin and nose? That’s ridiculous and feels like a ‘oh well, while we’re here’ decision from the surgeon.
On a personal note: i was teased mercilessly because I was so much taller than everyone in school, both boys and girls. I cried nearly every day because they were so cruel (as kids can be). But now I’m an adult, I quite like being tall (and glad mum and dad didnt step In and chop my legs off – TIC) It’s a shame this girl wasn’t given the chance to see if she grew into her features.. The ‘crooked’ nose she got corrected could have been the one she loved when she was older.
Perfection isn’t beauty in my opinion.
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I was bullied for being quiet, not looks.
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I had my ears pinned back when I was about 7, my sister and my nephew have also had it done. I am so grateful and fortunate that my parents were able to do this for us. I was still picked on throughout school because of my ears- they’re big and the surgery never made them look “perfect”. But if I hadn’t have had it done the teasing would’ve been 100x worse.
Obviously this runs in my family, so I’ve looked into non-surgical options for my future kids and found “ear buddies”. Fingers crossed they are an effective way to correct stick out ears
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It’s not just the surgery that has changed her look but also her make up and hair colour. Would be interesting to see the before photo with everything the same except for the surgery.
I understand people’s points regarding letting the bully win and that the bully will just find something else to target. But let’s look at the long term benefits here. She will probably have more self confidence now. With that self confidence she will grow into a more outgoing and confident adult. If she took such drastic measures as to correct her looks with surgery then I doubt she would be as outgoing and confident. Just think of what this could bring to a person throughout their life.
It takes a very strong person to overcome bullying and I see this surgery as a step in the right direction.
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I have sticking out ears
Never had them pinned
Never teased – even though they severely stick out
Teasing is more about personality than any physical aspect
You need to teach your children how to be strong in character
Plastic surgery is the easy way out
And also this is ridiculous – sticking out ears aren’t ‘wrong’ or ‘deformed’ they are just different.
I feel pretty blown away by the ignorant, weak parents here who say they would put their child through surgery rather than teach them to become stronger people!
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Clearly your ears aren’t that bad….
Parents aren’t weak for wanting their children to be happy and confident. Perhaps if people taught their kids not to bully, then things would be different. It doesn’t matter how strong a child is, if they get picked on constantly their resilience starts to suffer and no amount of ‘sticks and stones will break my bones but words can never hurt me’ recitings will fix it.
It’s great that you didn’t suffer from any teasing, but I don’t think you can compare yourself to someone who has been teased/bullied for years.
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I really do think I can. Actually, sticking out ears were the least of my physical problems. Similarly, my sister also had a very visible disability. We might have had one or two comments thrown to us a each month, but never outright bullying.
I do truly, truly think that teaching our children to be resilient, rather than ‘smoothing over’ any difficulties is the way to go.
You fix your ears, but then what if something comes along which you can’t fix? Better to teach your child to be strong rather than try and create the easiest path for them.
I do think it’s weak to try and take the easy path out, and not something I would ever want to teach my own children.
I would rather teach my children the importance of diversity and different experiences, rather than encourage them to become homogenous and ‘fit in’ just for an easier life.
What kind of bland, boring person might they become…
However, if you want your child to have an ‘easy’ life, maybe this is the way to go – just know that they will probably be stronger and more interesting the other way, and also, that you can’t protect them from everything.
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I’m stronger as a person because my parents were strong enough to let me change something that had me picked on. People who knew me didn’t tease, it was others who clearly felt better making others feel miserable. I was able to ignore comments for years until it wore me down and I would cry every night when I got home.
Because I did this one thing that made me feel more confident, I have been able to do more than I would have otherwise.
It’s by no means the easy fix option because you still deal with the comments from those that know you have had surgery… After school I left my home town and started a new life where no one knew me from my school days. I didn’t leave for this reason, but what I had done was something that I never felt obliged to tell anyone (it has come up in conversation though).
Having the surgery didn’t change me as a person, it just boosted my confidence. For those who can work through it without surgery, great. But for those who do have surgery and become happier as a result, what’s wrong with that?? It definitely does not make them weak or mean they are not resilient.
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Take 2 – spam filter must be playing up.
I can definitely relate to her. During primary and junior high school I was bullied because of my thick, almost-monobrow eyebrows. So mum took to me to a beautician and I had them waxed.
The bullying stopped. And my confidence shot through the roof.
Obviously cosmetic surgery is a little more extreme, but the same principle applies. Teenagers will always be bitchy, but if we can do something to increase the confidence of some kids, then why not? To me waxing eyebrows, wearing makeup, getting a boob job or nose job or whatever are all legitimate ways of increasing our self-esteem. Really what would you prefer, teens having cosmetic surgery or depressed teens committing suicide because of awful bullying?
(And to all those bullies in school – I’ve got gorgeous Liz Taylor eyebrows now, so screw you!!)
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Ugh, I think I’m a victim of the spam filter! What happened to my comment?!
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I had my nose ‘fixed’ when I was 17 because of comments people made during school. My mum understood what I was going through and she and my dad were very supportive and did what they could to make me more confident in myself. It’s the best thing I have ever done. I was (and still am) a self conscious person, but I don’t have to have my hair hanging by the side of my face to hide my profile any more….
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Same – my story is on page 1 – but by far the BEST thing i have ever done, not only will this girl stop getting bullied but she will have FAR more self confidence now as a teen and as an adult.
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I had my ears pinned back at the age of 7 because of being constantly picked on at school. Would you not do this for your child if they are coming home crying every night? I’m thankful that my mum let me have it done, was the best thing.
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I TOTALLY disagree with everyone saying that she looked perfectly normal before the surgery. Are you blind? Obviously her ears stuck out to an abnormal degree. If she was my daughter I would have had them pinned back when she was young to prevent future bullying. As for the rest of the surgery, to my eyes it was unneccessary but I certainly don’t judge her for wanting it. I hope she nows lives a peaceful existence without the taunts x
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I think she looked lovely before. What a shame.
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If it was my child I would have had her ears pinned back well before she reached 14. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with making your child’s life a little easier [shrugg]
Should a charity have paid for it when there were probably kids on their list with far greater physical ‘issues’? No I don’t believe so.
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This is shocking! This is a sweet, healthy looking girl with no deformities at all. How appalling that the world at large tells her she’s not pretty. My heart hurts for her and our broken society. Little girls should be celebrated for their kindness, their intelligence and everything they are good at. This is so far removed from a normal response, it’s frightening.
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The ears I understand… Children can be cruel. But she was a rather striking and lovely young woman before her operations and I would say less so after the procedures. Children grow Into to their looks, noses become distinguished and noble rather than large, chins and ears grown into with natural facial development.
I was teased in high school partly for being 5’11 by 14 but mostly for my social anxiety and extreme shyness ( I spoke to a maximum of 5 people until year 12) . I’ve worked as a model for the past 6 years and come to accept my perceived teenage flaws which pay my rent today. If i had succumbed to the peer and societal pressure I felt most intensely at 13, I would not be the woman I am today.
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oh this is an issue that i dealt with as an adolescent… i have what is considered a ‘deformity’ on my face and something that i was teased about ALLLLL the time growing up… it was something people commented about ALLLLLL the time. it was/is fixable and offered to pay for the surgery etc to have the issue resolved… i thought about it back then… and decided that i didn’t want to look like everybody else… it was genetic so i thought about it as a present that i inherited all the way down the bloodlines.
the taunts continued…. i often joined in… it didn’t impact on my self-esteem… it was like people pointing out a physical feature… and i stood out physically in numerous ways so when somebody pointed out my deformity or any of my other unusual features my internal or verbal response was like ‘yeah… wow such astute observation… genius’
having said that… i would never judge anybody for deciding to ‘fix’ something if they were really hung up about it… i guess more to the point is the social fixation about wanting to look indistinguishable from other people…. its like when you undertake a ‘normalising’ procedure you go from looking like yourself to looking more ‘general’
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What happened to my comment…. maybe the spam filter is playing up again?
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Wow. How did she qualify to get money from a charity that corrects deformities? She wasn’t deformed in the slightest, she was normal looking. She may have even grown into those features and ended up with a pretty balanced looking face.
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On the website there are kids who have facial deformities including missing ears, cleft palates and underformed faces etc from Mongolia, Peru, Iraq, Nigeria, Ecuador, Moldova, Phillipines and many other countries. The US kids on there would have their operations for missing ears etc covered here by Medicare I think but need this charity in the US as that would be the only way to have the surgery?
It is interesting Nadia has become the public face (!) but a quick Google of her name will show how much publicity (good and bad) the charity is getting. In this tough world that judges everyone on their looks even the slightest out of line quirky feature is wrongly considered a “deformity”. In the Western world it is sticking out ears, big noses, small chins and small breasts but in other countries these would get no attention at all or warrant any bullying…
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Not sure about it being covered by Medicare- their Medicare is for over 65′s at least until recently. Don’t know how the extremely new health system works but I don’t think ear pinning would covered. Still don’t know about a charity for deformities operating on this girl though!
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This makes me think about the context eg why a US charity is operating on US kids?
On the website there are some kids on there from the US with ears actually missing. I was wondering if Australian Medicare would cover reconstructive surgery? If so ( thinking we do) we don’t have this kind of charity and I’ve heard of Australian surgeons operating on children from overseas for free for these same facial deformities.
In the US with their crazy health system maybe this charity is the only way for these parents (with financial problems and no health insurance) to have their kids with the more severe things operated on? But this ( eg Nadia) crosses the line I think. She’s going to be known as that girl for the rest of her life. I hope her self esteem has remained intact despite the years of bullying. As a teacher I found high school kids the worse for commenting and criticizing ANY physical feature including the teachers!
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MM my very balanced comment got lost
Did it violate a policy?
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Umm born with ‘facial deformities’? Really??
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To me this girl is beautiful before and after but lets face children can be cruel if you could fix your child’s pain maybe you would if you where faced with it. If she truly is a happier girl because of this then where is the harm?
I was the only girl in high school that didn’t get braces I was teased for my bad teeth to the point I stopped smiling all together although as an adult I didn’t get teased the teeth issue remained from years of abuse by my peers so as adult I got them fixed I am now a very confident person that smiles all the time.
People say ignore the bullies sorry that doesn’t work they say it’s what’s on the inside that counts but let’s face first impressions count right!!! People feel that and to take away any persons pain no matter what age, unless you have been through it and did make a big change to feel better then you don’t know how much sometimes that change can alter your life
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If you get teased for being a ginger, does the charity pay for your hair to be dyed?
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Funny you say that- I’m a redhead and have never once been teased because of it. It just never really bothered me. I don’t know if the fact I wasn’t self conscious about it meant people didn’t bully me, or if I was just comfortable on my own and people picked up on it. I really don’t know why people choose particular victims to bully. All I can say is that being someone with an unusual trait never had an effect on me. I had plenty of friends and was either never bullied or was too dense to notice!
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Im a redhead and while I was teased a little bit for it (carrot top and other hugely creative insults) it never bothered me. I had another friend with similar coloured hair through primary school, so we stuck together. Nowadays, I find it funny that so many people want to dye their hair various shades of red, when it was such an ‘undesirable’ colour when we were at school.
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Yes Emma I have had the same thought! Comedians and social commentators often make fun of red hair but every second supermodel dyes their hair red. I must have been so oblivious at school!
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I understand why she had her ears pinned. I not sure why she had her nose and chin done though, as I thought she was only getting bullied about her ears. But if it has made her feel better about herself and given her more confidence, why not. If I could remove my port wine stain on my face I would, in a heartbeat. Unless you have been taunted , mercilessly, for years, you really have no idea what it’s like, , or what you would do in that situation.
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I can’t believe she is now the poster girl for the charity!
She was never deformed! She looked like a totally normal 14 year old.
This charity is also identifying her flaws just like the bullies. BUT OH NO WAIT! They also think she has a deformed nose and chin so helpfully fixed them too. Now life is perfect.
This is ridiculous.
So many kids get bullied about their looks and yes it’s wrong but it doesn’t mean we should condone PLASTIC F**KING SURGERY for a 14 year old.
If she’s still hung up about at 18 let her pay for it herself.
The charities intervention basically says to the girl “yes we deem you as being deformed, we will fix you and stop the bullies.”
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I have two boys. They both have big ears that stick out. They have both been picked on (or bullied depending on your interpretation) to the point of tears etc. They are both otherwise well balanced popular boys. I explained to them that if they really wanted to we could “fix” the ear problem but that I doubted it would fix the teasing / bullying.
If they are teasing you for an external reason that is just an easy target. The real reason probably has less to do with you and more to do with them. That I cannot “fix”.
They both decided to leave it as is. They both have learned to joke about their ears and realise that they do have big ears so if someone says they have big ears … so what … tell me something I dont know. They have learned t cope with a deal with the issue without surgery.
Just my story – not a solution.
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Wow JFK I really like the way you dealt with this. My brother had his ears pinned back when he was about 5 years old (back in the early 80′s) because he used to get teased at school. My parents decided to get them fixed. Afterwards the bullying stopped (I think) but it is interesting my parents response was to fix it. I suppose it says something about their own need for their children to “fit in”. Your response reminded me of the classic story “Little Women”. I remember the mother in the story saying to her “beautiful” daughter that she wanted her to rely on more than her looks to make her a better person. Your boys are very lucky to have your influence.
Thanks for sharing.
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JFK, what a great mum you are. On the bright side as well boys seem to grow into their ears. I know my son did.
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I find this appalling.
Not that she had plastic surgery – that’s another debate, with a lot more issues to it, not least because she’s so young.
But what’s appalling is that the “solution” to this bullying issue is to have the victim change her appearance based on what other kids say about her. And using charity money to do it, plus labelling it a “facial deformity”!
Absolutely disgusting.
The money and effort spent here could be so much better used educating the bullies not to tease and judge people on their looks…or to help kids like this girl build their self esteem based on what’s inside not superficial beauty.
This kind of “solution” not only legitimises the bullies’ behaviour but also cements the idea that its OK to judge people based on looks, and that everything will be better if you’re pretty.
Stories like this make me feel so disheartened that our society is getting more shallow and superficial all the time.
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I’m going to jump in and give a couple of different perspectives –
As an adult I’m saddened that she felt so unhappy about her looks due to the bullying that she wanted to go through such a physically altering procedure. Like a few commenters, I seem to feel ok about the ear pinning, but not the nose and chin jobs (arbitrary line perhaps? But for some reason ear pinning feels less invasive and more acceptable?)
I’ll give another perspective though. I was a bully as a kid/teen. When I picked on a girl about a physical attribute, it wasn’t the attribute I was picking on. I’d have it in for someone for reasons other than their physical appearance, but I’d use their physical appearance as ammo. The girls who I picked on had personality attributes I could not handle – they were insecure, they were clingy, they didn’t have the balls to leave me alone and just make other friends (I’m not saying this from my perspective now, this was my opinion of them when I was a terribly angry 14 year old girl). The point here being – I don’t know how much this girl altering her physical appearance will change the way the bullies treat her. I hope to heavens it does, but I have my concerns.
As an endnote: I feel terrible about how I treated people when I was younger. I still lose sleep at night wondering why I treated people badly and how on earth I didn’t realise the damage I was inflcting. I speak up now about my mindset at the time in the hope it will help people understand the mindset of the bully so that responses to bullying can be an effective as possible.
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Thanks for the end note. I’m glad you feel remorseful about your past treatment of others, but it’s time to forgive yourself. Most people have done something they’re not proud of, but just have to live their future with more compassion – which it seems you do
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I got teased for having a pointy nose by girls who had squashed noses. luckiky i have always been very self confident and realised it was jelousy at the time. the reality is people will always find something to bully about if thats what they want.
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That is fascinating anna. You are pretty brave putting that out there. Obviously bullying is never ok, and I’m sure you had plenty of issues that created that angry persona. But I think your point of view is really relevant and we can learn a lot from former bullies explaining why they were the way they were. That kind of education is so very important.
I mentioned above I didn’t notice ever being bullied because of my red hair. It’s interesting to me that you say you picked on the physical attributes but it was actually something about the personality that led you to choose your victims.
I can’t speak for the people you hurt but as someone that has had experience dealing with a lot of teenagers through work I can take a stab at why you had no idea of the damage you caused. Teenagers are utterly self obsessed. They absolutely intrinsically believe that every single person that passes them is critiquing their every fault, every action, every imperfection. Thats why bullyong can be taken so personally, and be so painful.
You didn’t notice because like everyone else your age you couldn’t see past yourself- not a crticism by the way, I’m sure there are some kids that aren’t, but I think it’s actually quite normal. So while I can’t give you peace, rest a little easy. You were a child after all!
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The bully is always as much a victim as the bullied. Don’t beat your self up over it. You probably had some hard stuff in your life you were having trouble dealing with at the time. My husband was a bystander who didn’t step in to defend the bullied and he feels guilty, too. We all have to acknowledge what went wrong, forgive our juvenile selves and move on.
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This makes sense. In my last year at my public primary school, I started getting bullied by a few kids because I was going to a private school the next year- and not just the local catholic high school, but one of the big ‘Independents’ that had a fancy uniform and you had to take a train to get to. These kids (almost all of whom were not typical bullies but very bright children who were high achievers) took every opportunity they could to tell me, more or less, that I was an idiot and it was such a shame that my parents had to pay so much money on my education, because of course they were all so bright and gifted that they would be a success wherever they went.
Obviously, it’s easy to see why they were feeling insecure. After school cramming for spots in selective schools was well and truly in swing by that stage, and these otherwise bright kids had missed out on spots at decent selective schools. Then only option was the local high school, which we all knew was rubbish. I had something that they wanted and there was nothing they could do about it. They couldn’t make fun of my appearance because there was nothing unremarkable about it, so they had to tear into my skills and abilities.
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I got badly bullied in high school because of my geeky looks and small stature. I have anxiety around crowds of people ever since. It has deeply affected my life.
Now I am 6,2, 125kg.
I caught up with a kid that used to bully me. He stopped growing, I didn’t.
I beat him. Bad. If I wasn’t more afraid of the consequences, I would have broken every bone in his face.
Didn’t change anything you know? I still have social anxiety and self doubt. Damage is done for life.
I hope one of the kids you bullied catches up with you. I hope they give you a taste of how it feels. You know?
Show you how it feels to really live in fear. To embrace depression and have it reinforced that you are powerless and worthless.
Maybe when they are standing over you in a back alley, gouging out one of your retinas with two stiff fingers whilst you are screaming for them to stop and they are not stopping, instead, amazingly they seem to thrive on the feeling of dominating you….maybe you will be philisophical about karma and its effects.
Maybe they have bottled up the damage you did to them and they can’t control the dose of payback they give you and just decide to stomp on the side of your head over and over and over again.
Ask them about their mindset and if they realize the damage they are inflicting as you cough up your front teeth.
You feel terrible. We got the life sentence.
Wish to embrace true apology? Confront one of your victims and cut your tongue off. They may just forgive you.
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