By ROSIE WATERLAND
Sexual relations can be glorious, but also pretty damn difficult to navigate. Anyone who says they haven’t made an embarrassing sexy-times blunder is a big fat fibber.
We’ve all been there. We all know the horror of an involuntary noise or a move gone wrong.
Here’s a list of the top 9:
1. Fanny Farting
Is there any moment more mortifying than the fanny fart? The worst part about this front-end flatulence is that it isn’t flatulence, but with the noise it makes who can tell the difference? This is the one time in your life you actually want someone to think that you passed gas.
2. Your hole disappears
Sometimes, no matter how much you want to be in the mood, no matter how much your partner tries to get you in the mood, that thing is closed for business. This usually occurs after you’ve freaked yourself out watching one to many episodes of Embarrassing Bodies and you become convinced you have every disease.
That, or “I didn’t know I was pregnant until I gave birth” type TV shows. *Shudders*.
3. You start thinking about work/TV/the Country Road spend and save.
Bodies are bumping. Passion is flowing. All the sexy things are happening. And 10 minutes later you realise you’ve planned your entire summer wardrobe. Kind of like when you walk into IKEA and emerge from the abyss 4 hours later with a Teflon spatula. You will never know what happened to that lost time.
4. You blurt out something dirty and nonsensical.
“YES! YES! CALCULATE MY #@%*bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep@#% PASTRY!”
5. Accidental injuries.
In the middle of all that bumping, twisting, grinding, contorting, slipping and sliding, there are bound to be some OH&S issues. Anything from bashing heads to landing on his special place is a possibility so… Just remember that ‘safe sex’ doesn’t only apply to contraception. BE SAFETY AWARE.
Sometimes a little pee comes out.
Shit It happens.
7. Accidental wrong hole.
Look, when you’re in the heat of the moment, and you’re feeling like a particularly brilliant sex goddess, you become convinced you can pull off some pretty complex sex manoeuvrings with grace and ease.
Unfortunately, complex sexy-times positioning takes practice.
Without it, you can end up with an accidental wrong hole experience, which if unexpected, can be a slight shock. (Although if that’s your thing, well done and go for it.)
8. You become possessed when you’re close.
Screaming, jerking, laughing, moaning, crying, blurting out bizarre languages/words/sentences…
These are all signs of a woman who’s possessed… or about to climax.
9. Sexy to you, not to them.
“Oh, so sensual nose hole licking isn’t your thing?”
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