This week I sat in a podcast studio and cried about my son. “I just miss him so much,” I said haltingly, voice breaking, cheeks wet, in that way you do when you’re trying to speak while not sobbing. Oddly enough, my son was sitting opposite me at the time. He’s 20 and he was interviewing me (weird I know) for a special episode of my No Filter podcast and we were talking about parenting.
He wrote a chapter about what it was like to grow up with me as a mother for my book, Work Strife Balance because I thought it would be more interesting to hear about my weaknesses and strengths as a mother from him rather than me giving my version of events.
It made bracing reading for me. Like having a performance review from your child who is now an adult. In public. I was both elated and mortified by what he wrote but it was his lived experience and as painful as some of it was to read, I’ve never shied away from honesty in our relationship so why not.
Listen: In the interest of honesty, Luca confronted me about some of my downfalls as a parent. Post continues after audio.
On my book tour, many interviewers marvelled at how brave I’d been to hand over a chapter to him but they had clearly not yet written a book because if they had they would have high-fived me on my ability to delegate. As any author will tell you, one chapter you out-source is one less chapter you must write. Happy day. If he’d revealed me to be a secret crack-smoking Donald Trump supporter it still would have been one less chapter for me to write and thus, totally worth it.
Top Comments
Thank you for acknowledging the difference between the grief for the "loss of an age stage" in your child and losing a child by death. As a bereaved mum I appreciate that the distinction was made.
We feel what we feel and there are many types of grief for many types of losses.
I came here just to upvote this. As another bereaved mum I also very much appreciated the distinction and acknowledgement. Sorry for your loss xx
OH Mia, I loved this podcast with you & your son. It made me feel so much better about many of the things I have been feeling guilty about. My little 9 month old fell off the bed & ive had many sleepless nights feeling guilty about it, thanks for the reassurance. Then how you mentioned about the rough time in his teens where it seems you both questioned whether you were loved back. My girl is too young yet but it made me reflect on my childhood & that confusing time where I thought my mum didn’t love me. It was great to hear it from a mums point of view which I never even considered. Then the whammy at the end, where you mentioned that you missed your little boys. I did the ugly cry because I know how much it must hurt & it will hurt me one day too. It’s bittersweet. Thank you Mia for a wonderful podcast ❤️