It’s no secret that modern day mothers are the jack of all trades. We are the shapeshifters of our families, often wearing many hats just so that all the other members of the clan can not only survive, but be the best versions of themselves.
We carry the much talked about mental load of who needs to be where at what time, who eats what, who has projects due, business trips, excursions and so forth. We instinctively change into whatever it is our family needs us to be – nurse, teacher, playmate, taxi, snack fetcher (a somewhat surprisingly time-consuming job).
As mothers, we are the pulse of the family.
Side note – Mamamia’s Holly Wainwright explanation of why parenting is not just a woman’s job is the best we’ve heard, watch it below. Post continues after video.
It starts before our children are even born. Our identity becomes entwined with theirs as they grow bigger inside us – our body changes, our tastes change, we are already morphing into a new version of ourselves. And then when they are born, we are so wrapped up in this new tiny human of ours, it doesn’t matter that we suddenly seem to exist just for them. In fact, we wouldn’t have it any other way.
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This sounds like so many of the mother's that I know who describe themselves as a mother first before they look beyond what is really a minor part of the 80 years of life they will have or the 30-40 years they have already lived. Its the mums whose handbag was taken over by the nappy bag and then became the kids bag. It is always so important to maintain your own identity right from day one. After 2 kids I feel i have managed to keep my identity separate from that of my kids as much as possible and am not defined by motherhood, I have instead been upskilled by it.
Exactly. Life passes you by if you cocoon yourself in motherhood. Similarly, you lose your own identity if you surrender it to being a "Mummy" and nothing else. Interestingly, nobody would suggest it is wise to live, sleep and eat your job because there is more to life than your occupation. Motherhood isn't any different in that respect.
That’s an interesting take on it. I personally don’t see motherhood as a short period of my life - I see it as something I will do for the rest of my life instead. I see it with my parents - my siblings and I all in our 30s and have our own lives, but the parenting never stops, it just changes shape and form.
Question - how do you maintain such a seperate identity with two kids raise? I find it challenging to do with two kids and still trying to find a way to maintain ‘me’ while also incorporating this additional role of being a parent.
While I don't have kids, most of my friends do and we've had that experience of being friends pre/post kids. I would say they've all been able to maintain their identity through motherhood. From watching what they do, I think it comes down to a combination of having a supportive partner or family who will take on some of the responsibilities so you can have time out, having friends that actively keep you in the loop and you making sure you engage with them and catch up with them when you can (obviously you can't make every outing), making the effort to stay involved in hobbies you enjoy, whether its crafty things, athletic things or whatever.
Seems the author appears to think the only thing that exists outside of the mothering bubble is work. I think much of this "mid motherhood crisis" arises from other aspects in life that become neglected during the early years of motherhood - not just work. For instance, maintenance of relationships with people who aren't in your mother's group or mothering network, one's identity as a person rather than as a mother, personal interests that are not related to one's children - if you've let all of that stuff slide while your kids are young, simply going back to work isn't going to fix that for you.
I couldn’t agree more- the question is, how?? How do you find the time to do all the things you used to do and keep that network of friends? Or even the energy?
I miss so many parts of my old life but know that realistically I can’t do it all now that I have my kids. And I know I’m not the only one.
The reality is, kids take time to raise and nurture. It’s not simply a matter of giving birth, nurturing during maternity leave then slotting back into your old life - even though I have to admit that’s kind of what I was hoping for myself 😉
The mother friends I have fall into two distinct camps: firstly, those who made a conscious effort to maintain relationships and interests after kids, even if that meant sacrifice and hard work - it wasn't easy. The striking thing about this group is that none of them ever self-aggrandised or thought motherhood was a holy grail of anything. They love their kids, and would do anything for them, but didn't think they were any more special or unique than anyone else on account of being a Mum. They are a Mum, but they're also a friend, wife, partner, sister, daughter, workmate (for those who work), person and human being. "Mum" is just one facet to a much more complex, rich existence.
The second group completely surrendered everything to their kids. They dropped everything, and now funnel everything through the prism of being a mother. Their self-perception shifted, and their priorities did too. If it wasn't to do with their kids, they weren't engaged or interested - or were too "busy" or "tired" to care. For me, it's that mindset that causes self-isolation. When Mums are in the baby bubble, they don't really perceive themselves being isolated because they have Mother's Group and the like - it makes them feel like they're still connected, even though they've already disconnected from everything that's not baby-orientated. It's only until they emerge from the cocoon when their kids become independent, and realise the world has moved on, and they've been left behind.