It’s been 24 hours and we still haven’t recovered from the boiz night.
Andrew… groped two air boobs after being asked what he looks at when Cheryl is speaking.
He told tha boiz that he a) doesn't like speaking to Cheryl because she only talks about the Kardashians and hair extensions (sounds pretty interesting tbh), b) currently considers himself a "single man," and c) would, at this stage, prefer to be with a woman who LITERALLY ran away from him after their fake wedding than Cheryl.
And on top of all of that, the men got KFC and we didn't even see what food the women got and it's International Women's Day this week and this kind of double standard simply isn't good enough in 2017.
Tonight's episode begins with a very upset Sean.
He's horrified at how all the men were "degrading" Cheryl last night, so he speaks to Susan about it. Sean is... he is all of our fantasies.
Susan (aka a producer dressed up as Susan, who very much deserves a pay rise) convinces Sean he is the "father figure," and it's best he speaks to Cheryl about what was said about her last night
Sean and Susan invite Cheryl over to their apartment and tell her precisely enough to start sh*t.
Cheryl is shocked and also confused. "Is he really committed to this?" she says in a piece to camera. "I don't really know."
Oh, um. We do. He 100 per cent is not committed to this given that he VOTED TO LEAVE. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE HERE.
This is the fundamental flaw in this entire experiment and we will keep yelling until they change the goddamn rules.
Given that no one's allowed to leave, the producers have decided to spice things up a bit by making the couples spend time with both sets of in-laws.
According to John Aiken, it's a stage "all new couples dread," and we fundamentally disagree. Firstly, when your in-laws aren't verbally abusive mad men, or overly snoopy, it's generally fine. Secondly, all these people met at the wedding so this isn't actually, in any way, a new step.
Anthony and Nadia are driving to the country (??) to meet with a few members of Anthony's family and Nadia's sister. It's unclear why Nadia has only invited one family member - but then we remember. She's here for one thing and one thing only.
At dinner, Anthony's family try to suss out how the relationship is going, and his mum asks whether they've talked about kids. They're awkward AF, and eventually Anthony responds how he always responds to people: by being rude.
He then mentions he'd like a son to "take to the races," which is super sexist. Nadia's sister asks, "don't you think a girl would like to go to the races?" and he replies: "no."
Anthony says that at the boiz night (no one will ever get over this night where tha boiz had beer and KFC, srsly) he was asked whether he missed Nadia, and he said, "no, it's only been like four hours." What a lovely little anecdote for the family.
Nadia's sister is clearly thinking "bae, wtf are you doin?" and Nadia gives her a knowing look as if to say, "I know... I'll explain later."
Anthony then tells his family that meeting Nadia on the show was like "wanting a bike for Christmas and getting a skateboard." No one has any idea what he means, but because these people semi know him, they assume he's being a d*ck. He defends it, saying it was a compliment, and even asks his mother to back him up by yelling at her "DIDN'T I LIKE SKATEBOARDS AS A KID." Oh my God no one cares.
After dinner he says, "I'm really proud of Nadia and the way she conducted herself," because he genuinely thinks he's an expert and/or narrator on this show, and that Nadia is five years old.
Cheryl and Andrew are getting couples counselling and it's far too early on in their relationship to need this kind of intervention.
They've been together for two weeks. If you're having problems it's because YOU ARE FUNDAMENTALLY INCOMPATIBLE.
Cheryl tells John Aiken (their independent, not-at-all biased therapist) that she's really confused, and doesn't feel like Andrew has her back because he said "disgusting" things about her at tha boiz night.
Andrew... denies it.
He says he can't remember what was said, and that the whole night was "hazy" because he had a few drinks. He just rants and rumbles - he can't be expected to remember every little comment he might've made!
In a piece to camera he says, "I don't think Cheryl has the right to be upset yet until she knows exactly what was said," which is frankly ridiculous.
Somehow, even though John Aiken knows Andrew is straight up lying, he thinks these two really need to just give it another go. A 'relationship boot camp,' if you will.
No one needs a relationship boot camp after two weeks. You're better than this, John.
He says they need to show they want to be in this experiment AND in this couple. It's awkward because days ago Andrew made it quite clear he wanted neither.
Meanwhile, Sean and Susan are meeting with a few family members to see if they can find a way for their relationship to work. It's vastly important, but also... nothing happens. Where be the other couples?
Andy's preparing an Italian meal for Vanessa and both their families, which is sweet HOWEVER how is it fair that some couples get to go out for dinner while others have to make it? With like... their own money?
When Andy's mum arrives, she makes it clear she's excited for the EYE-TALYAN food and also maybe pushing Vanessa until she breaks.
We remember that she's the mum who said early on she wanted a woman who can cook and is good in the kitchen for her son. Definitely not a career woman. Jesus.
She then starts pressing them about when they're going to have children, and when Vanessa says it will have to be fairly soon (because the whole of Australia knows HER CLOCK IS TICKING), she responds, "oh, you only just got married..."
You're the one who...?
Andrew and Cheryl are on a lunch date and it's at this point we realise they're completely avoiding the in-laws step. It seems Andrew really did get a restraining order from Cheryl's dad, and we can't say we blame him.
John sends them a photo album to look over, so they can reflect on the good times. They reminisce and pretend like they've been married for 20 years and have just hit a bump in the road. Cheryl actually says, "you used to make me smile."
NO. YOU GUYS DIDN'T EVEN GET FAKE MARRIED. YOU WENT ON TWO BRIEF DATES, ONE WHERE THERE WERE HORSES TO HANG OUT WITH SO THAT DOESN'T COUNT, AND SINCE THEN YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT RUIN EACH OTHER.
There is nothing even slightly redeeming about this relationship and they need to never see each other again and everything will be fine.
Speaking of relationships that crashed and burned weeks ago, Jesse and Michelle are shopping together, before having their families over for dinner.
They then fight over a cheese platter for precisely 15 minutes because they've just become that uncomfortable in each other's company, and we want to stab ourselves in the eye/s.
Jesse's step dad starts grilling Michelle, and she's not too fussed because this whole charade isn't about Jesse - it's about beating Sharon.
Michelle repeats a number of cliches that mean precisely nothing, such as "we have a really good foundation," "going with the flow," "strong bond" and we "get along". EUGH.
No this is actually getting so boring. What do they do all day? Like are they even hanging out? YOUR LACK OF DECISION REPRESENTS A DECISION.
Jesse's stepdad becomes increasingly frustrated at their indecisiveness, and has a go at Michelle about her declining fertility, which is literally never appropriate.
He says they're "dancing around a relationship," which is the most apt description of this couple we've ever heard.
He concludes, "If I'm completely honest, I think they're going to be good friends," and with that he has more insight than all of the experts combined.
Elsewhere, Alene and Simon are, as always, being ridiculous.
In the car on the way to dinner, Alene is explaining how much everyone will get along and Simon is definitely not listening.
At dinner Simon jokes that he bought chocolate the other night and Alene ate it all... lol. We didn't know we could like Alene any more but it turns out that we share a life story.
The final couple, Nick and Sharon, are having dinner with the in-laws. Sharon's mum Lorraine talks it up like she's going to interrogate Nick, but then just ends up telling him he's, "ticking all the boxes." Ugh. Bring up tha strippaz again Nick. Pls.
LUCKILY Cheryl and Andrew are still fighting, and Andrew is full like, "Um, why don't you just trust me?"
How do we put this?
Because... because you're lying. You can't ask someone to trust you when you're lying. That's the rules.
Andrew is still mad that Cheryl isn't showing any interest and says he is left, "completely frustrated at times." Mmmmm. If there's one thing better than intimacy, it's forced intimacy you had to ask for 11 times from someone you've known for two weeks.
OOOO TOMORROW NIGHT LOOKS GOOD SEE YOU THEN.
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