With only a handful of sleeps until we find out which thin, beautiful and extremely Caucasian woman Matty has chosen to be his only girlfriend, it’s time to reflect on the very important and insightful lessons we’ve learned throughout this season of The Bachelor.
We learned the hard way that games do not in any way help people to fall in love. In fact, they are an unhelpful distraction. We also discovered that although Osher has several very important strengths, including but not limited to a) being omnipresent, b) appearing out of thin air and c) delivering date cards, he also has one overwhelming weakness. And that is games. He is not good with ideation, structure or rules, but most importantly, he doesn’t understand the concept of scoring.
But we’re most interested in what this season taught us about how to be a woman. Here we go:
1. You must always carry a bikini for when your date demands it’s time for a swim.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a picnic, a game of tennis or a relaxing day on a boat, there will come a time when the man you’re dating announces it’s time to be in your bikini now. You see, Matty J didn’t have time to waste. He couldn’t wait until date four to see Lisa in what was essentially her underwear. That’s ridiculous. A good woman is always ready for a swim, rain, hail or shine. Her bikini line is maintained, her armpits are flawless, and her makeup never runs.
It doesn't matter if you didn't bring a bag, or if Matty said you were going out to dinner. A good woman always has a bikini within arm's reach.
2. Never try and kiss a man. He will reject you.
This is very important. Being a woman means your primary job is to wait. If a man wants to kiss you, he will.
If you suffer a goddamn aneurysm and for some reason think, "Oh, I'm a 21st century woman, I might lean in for the kiss..." then that's fine - just know you will be alone forever.
When Leah tried to kiss Matty on a photo shoot, she was publicly rejected and all of us died a little bit. Later in the series, Elora attempted to kiss Matty behind a curtain (obviously) at the cocktail party, and Matty told her it was "disrespectful".
Both of them were promptly sent home for believing they had any agency in their love lives.
3. It is important to lie and cheat to get what you want.
Case in point: Flo.
During one of Osher's nonsensical games, the women were required to answer questions about Matty in order to assess who knew him best.
Yes well Flo cheated and looked at the answers because no-one was watching except for the entire production crew and subsequently, one million Australians.
She was rewarded with a special date, where she confessed to cheating, and they both had a good laugh about it.
Lying and cheating is essential for good, strong relationships.
4. You need to have never been naked before in your life.
Rule number one, of course, was ensuring you're always ready to change into your bikini, but an important distinction must be made.
If you have ever, even once, been a topless waitress, you are not worthy of love.
We learned this the hard way, when it emerged that Leah had a party planning business. a naked party planning business.
"Is it still happening now?" Matty's sister queried. "Does Matty know?" because these are "serious allegations".
If you ever used your body to make money, or been naked at any point, then your love life is looking pretty dire.
Look, we don't make the rules.
We just make sure we learn them from The Bachelor. Cheers to the good times!
What did you learn from The Bachelor this season? Share with us below.
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