Hey, it’s OK. I’m an introvert too. And sometimes this crazy, busy, noisy world is just an obstacle course of human beings wanting to interact with you socially. And sometimes, an introvert just needs a little privacy to reconnect with themselves.
To that end, here’s a foolproof list of human-dodging tactics that should give you a little anonymity, while not totally destroying all your friendships.
1. Make like an Olsen twin and wear sunglasses inside.
Do any of these celebrities look approachable? No.
Would you have the courage to start even the smallest of small talk with these shady-eyed famous people? No.
Could anyone physically make eye contact with them even if they tried? No.
Learn from them. Study their ways. Borrow their sunglasses.
2. Pretend you’re in on an iTunes poster and keep those headphones in at all times.
Don’t have any music worth listening to? No problem. You don’t need to actually listen to anything for this to work. Simply place headphones on your head or earphones in your ears and watch as strangers lose interest in your general existence.
3. Master the bitchy resting face.
For some lucky ladies and gents, Bitchy Resting Face comes naturally. Their neutral face is simply genetically terrifying.
For others, it’s a learned facial expression. See how these celebrities convey so much coldness in one steely glance:
4. Make your home a hostile social environment.
Serve terrible snacks (gluten-free crisp bread, kale chips, raw cauliflower branches).
Offer horrible seating options (milk crates, wobbly chairs, cramped sofas).
Don’t leave anything lying around that might imply you’d like to interact with another person (video game consoles, Monopoly board, more than one glass).
This party you’re at? There’s only one attendee: You.
5. Travel with a novelty-size bag on public transport.
Potential personal space invaders are everywhere. If you place an enormous bag on the bus or train seat next to you, the likelihood of such a monster nuzzling up to you is minimal. You risk being reproached for this behaviour by strangers, but if you’re observing tips 1, 2 and 3, you should be fine.
6. Shop exclusively online.
Amateur human-avoiders will tell you to do your grocery shopping late at night, clothes shop during lunch hour, or do your banking in person.
These people are all fools. Make full use of the social isolation the internet has provided and do all possible purchasing of everything online.
7. Make “I’ll let you go” your telephone catch-phrase.
This is a magnificent vocal illusion. When you can’t possibly maintain a phone conversation any longer, just say “Well, Ok, I’ll let you go.” It sounds as though you’re doing the other person a favour by letting them get on with their busy and important day, but really, it’s the perfect Get Off The Phone Immediately trick.
8. As a last resort, adopt a personal “hoodie-chic” dress code.
It’s practically an invisibility cloak. Wearing a dark coloured hoodie is preferable as it adds a bad-ass vibe, but purple will do if it’s all you have. For bonus Incognito Points, refer to #1. Wearing sunglasses and a hoodie makes you virtually indistinguishable to the naked eye.
Observe. Would you even know how to talk to this man?
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Go.