By EM RUSCIANO
I wanted to keep this private, I wanted to protect my children and my heart but I am a public person of sorts and I wanted to be in control of how people found out what has happened recently in my life.
You see, my marriage is over.
My brain hurts.
In short, I am broken.
Even typing that has caused several minutes of sobbing but the strange thing is I also feel relieved.
I didn’t want to tell you, I wanted to sneak quietly into the background and grieve privately. I may still do that, this piece of writing may never see the light of day but if you are reading it now then I guess I felt brave enough to say it out loud.
I don’t particularly want to go into details. It’s truly no one’s fault and I still love my husband but we bring out the very worst in each other. It has been that way for many years, this separation has been a long time coming.
My children truly are my main priority, so far they have been bloody spectacular. My eldest in particular, she hops into bed with me each night as she knows I don’t sleep well on my own. They know that their Dad and I love them and that they can see either of us whenever they want and they can also see and feel the calm that had set upon the house now that my husband and I are apart.
My life has become consumed by worry.
I’m worried I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.
I’m worried I am scarring my children irrevocably.
I worry he will meet someone else straight away, that she will be pretty and smart and have a flat stomach and that my kids will prefer her to me.
I worry about someone else seeing me naked.
I worry I am unlovable.
I worry that my heart will feel torn apart until the end of time.
I worry about him.
I know one in two marriages end like this, I just never thought mine would.
The night time is the worst, I am brave and strong during the day. I make plans, I join classes, I laugh. I resolve to floss my teeth and look into counselling. It all falls apart at night time though, I lay in bed thinking of ways to win my husband back…
Only, we make each other crazy miserable.
I have never felt so lonely in all my life. I am surrounded by supportive people and have the best friends a girl could ask for but nothing fills the gigantic black hole in my chest.
I’m not depressed, I’m just sad.
If we run into each other please don’t feel the need to bring it up as I may well burst into tears. Just give me a knowing look and maybe squeeze my arm a little.
I know a lot of you have felt as I do now, tell me it passes.
Promise me it passes.
Em Rusciano is the host of Mamamia Today on Austereo (which you should be tuning into at 3pm every weekday on the Today Network) and regularly appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’. You should follow her on Twitter here and take a look at her website here. You can listen to podcasts of Mamamia today here.