Being a female submissive in a BDSM relationship is an extreme form of feminism.

Why mixing middle-aged dating and sexting is a terrible idea.
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She’s a successful business woman and a BDSM submissive and says being choked, whipped and beaten is an extreme form a feminism.

I am a woman just like you.

A successful business woman who runs a company that employs 40 people, mostly women. A single mum that has raised two beautiful men. Own my own home, am financially independent, smart, undertaking post graduate study in psychology at university, own property. I have won business awards, been held up as an example of a successful modern woman, and lauded as a role model to younger women.

I am also a submissive in the true term in BDSM. And the reason I am writing this is to explain that BDSM submission for a woman can be an extreme form of feminism.

READ MORE: The dominatrix verdict: Is 50 Shades of Grey what bondage is really like?

I see the stuff written by women in regards to 50 Shades of Beige, a pretend story that bastardises the true meaning of BDSM. Being a sub in a true Dom/Sub relationship has very little in common with Beige.

Why do I love being a submissive so much? Why would a smart, financially independent woman, strong, educated to post graduate level, resilient, want to submit completely, be totally vulnerable to her Dom?

50 shades

Firstly, all the power in a Dom/Sub relationship rests with the Sub. Its her/him that gets to decide what does and does not happen in the relationship, what the boundaries are, when to use the safe words. Total control rests with the sub, and the Dom works within those limits that are pre-agreed.

The relationship is also totally consensual. I CHOOSE to be flogged, choked, beaten, to kneel before my Dom in servitude. No one makes me do it; I do it because it turns me on and turns my Dom on. The very core of feminism is choice, and yes I am definitely a feminist, and it is my choice to indulge in such pleasures.

Read more:Mia Freedman on 50 Shades of Grey: “Am I the only one who didn’t have a problem with it?”

Other women might like roses, strawberries dipped in chocolate, romantic candles. I prefer a leather riding crop being whipped on the soles of my feet so I am reminded of my Dom’s dominance when I walk, or bruises on my behind, that remind me the next day of his love for me in putting them there.

Did I say love? Yes in the BDSM community I have seen the most remarkable acts of affection and love in traditional dungeon settings.

BDSM submissive
Can you be a submissive and a feminist? Image via Getty.

The one that brought tears to my eyes and made my heart melt was a rope tying… she was strung up by one leg, beautifully bound, he was dripping Japanese hot wax on her leg, and the affection and care and concern for her was beyond love. I looked at them and thought “that is the relationship I want.”

I love being completely vulnerable, I find it relaxing and intimate and I enjoy that I have to trust my Dom implicitly to care for me in that scene. All the pressure is on him. All I need to do is submit completely, absolutely, and I do it lovingly.

Read more: Rosie Waterland reviews Fifty Shades of Grey

I have had many vanilla relationships and enjoyed them, but some of the most powerful, loving intimate moments have come from times with my Dom. The first time he asphyxiated me was one of the most peaceful, loving, intimate moments of my life.

It was not abuse, it was not me being a victim, it was nothing but a loving act between two lovers. And it is one of the sweetest things any lover has done for me.

Better than any candlelit dinner.

But that is me.

The reason to write this is not only for the general population, but for some of the judgmental, harsh comments made by some women in regards to the BDSM community, particularly the women who choose to be subs. Just like I don’t particularly get why some women might want to be married, I’m sure that many women might not understand my desire to be collared.

BDSM submissive
A female submissive in a BDSM relationship. Image via Getty.

But just as I don’t judge those that take the more socially acceptable path to commitment, it would be nice for women generally, and the feminist population in particular, to recognize that strong, independent feminists can choose the life of a sub.

50 shades is such a poor depiction of being a sub. There are times when Christian oversteps the mark. But, and here is the but, she chooses to stay in that relationship and chooses the pain. It is a choice, and ultimately, isn’t that what feminism is all about, choice?

Next time you shake hands with me at a networking night, or next time you laud my business success, perhaps ask yourself if perhaps your uneasiness with BDSM, with women willingly submitting to a man, is more a comment on your limiting attitudes to what a women should be, as opposed to the essence of feminism, the ability of women to chose what they want, not what is dictated as socially acceptable.

Did this post make you reassess how you think about BDSM relationships?

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