I’m still not quite sure what to make of Rick Santorum. On the one hand, he has a marvellous and frankly very sexy first name. On the other wretched hand he is a tremendous villain of social progress, a vicious misogynist and one-man combustion engine fuelled by hate and contempt. So, as you can see, I’m torn.
Santorum isn’t just your average spite-mobile. He’s in the running to become the next President of the United States of America. But before he does that, if he can do that, he needs to drive a wedge clean down the middle. United they’re called, divided he’ll stand.
As one headline mentioned, Santorum won’t stop until he’s all over the United States. Which is unfortunate, because his last name has taken on a definition which means ‘the mixture created between fecal matter and lubricant, typically the result of anal sex’.
Oh, hark! Why couldn’t he be called Smith? Or even Jastrzab (it means hawk)! Especially when you consider his first name is actually Richard … which makes him Dick Anal Lube, essentially. But it didn’t mean that when he was born. You see, Dick Anal Lube made some people very angry and they responded the only way The Internet knows how: crowd-sourced insults.
In 2003, Santorum told a reporter he felt homosexuality was on a similar spectrum to that of bestiality and pedophilia, before creeping the reporter out.
“I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with homosexual acts. As I would with acts of other, what I would consider to be, acts outside of traditional heterosexual relationships. And that includes a variety of different acts, not just homosexual. I have nothing, absolutely nothing against anyone who’s homosexual. If that’s their orientation, then I accept that. And I have no problem with someone who has other orientations. The question is, do you act upon those orientations?
We have laws in states, like the one at the Supreme Court right now, that has sodomy laws and they were there for a purpose. Because, again, I would argue, they undermine the basic tenets of our society and the family.
Ignoring the fact his argument was essentially ‘I have no problem with birds, I just really hate that they fly’, it was a pretty incendiary statement. So writer Dan Savage got involved and and took on the suggestion of a reader to name a less-than-charming sex related act or product after Santorum. And verily it was done.
“Hey, everybody: We have a winner. Savage Love readers, by a wide margin, want Sen. Rick Santorum’s name to stand for… THAT FROTHY MIXTURE OF LUBE AND FECAL MATTER THAT IS SOMETIMES THE BYPRODUCT OF ANAL SEX!”
Pfft. What does it even matter if some people say your name means Dick Anal Lube? Well, there are two immutable laws of The Internet. 1.) More Cats Law, in which the number of felines on the web doubles every two years without fail. 2.) If a critical mass of people say something is true, it damned well is.
If you Google ‘Santorum’ right now the number one search result waxes lyrically about, you guessed it, that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter. And that’s what you call a Google Problem.
But from a guy who said wanting to send kids to college was ‘snobbery’ and that JFK’s speech about separating religion and the state made him want to ‘throw up’ and who told 45 million Baptists, Lutherans, Methodists, Episcopalians, Congregationalists, and many Americans who belong to other sects of Protestantism they are no longer real Christians and said women’s emotions got in the way so they couldn’t do tough jobs and suggested abortion causes breast cancer and that contraception is wrong and who used his likely terminally ill daughter to argue against universal health care … well, maybe his problem isn’t with a search engine.
Maybe his problem is opening his ridiculous mouth.
Have you got a ‘Google problem’? Anything embarrassing out there people can find? Anyone you know?