opinion

Mia Freedman has identified a fear we've all felt.

A couple of days ago I came home early from work to find a man I didn’t know outside my house with a ladder propped up against the roof. Probably, it was the roof guy, I thought. Nothing to worry about.

But what if it wasn’t? Should I just trust that it was?

What followed was an experience and internal dialogue every woman has probably had at some stage; many times most likely. It stayed with me afterwards – not because it was a particularly frightening incident or very different to the hundreds of similar experiences like that I’ve had. Had I not decided to post about it on Facebook I would not have given it a second thought.

But because in explaining it to my husband, it made me realise how all women and girls exist on this level and most men have no idea that we do.

Here’s what I wrote on my Facebook page:

 

 

In less than 48, it was  shared 1500 times, received 10,000 likes and reached 700,000 people. There were thousands of comments from women sharing their own similar thought processes and protective behaviour they are barely even conscious of.

Many many women tagged the men in their lives so they could understand how we feel on most days of our lives.

Some commenters missed the point and were angry that I was accusing tradies or all men of being murderers or rapists. No, no, no, no, no.

Not all men. And not all tradies! This was not about any one man and certainly not about any occupation.

I was simply articulating the vulnerability I felt as a woman who could be physically overpowered by pretty much any man who chose to do so at any time if there was nobody else around.

Scroll through to see the responses to Mia's post from women across the world.

Women's experiences.

Yes, 99.9 percent of men are good guys. But we can't tell who the .1% are just from looking at them or when they're walking behind us in the street.

And it's not just tradesmen. It's cab drivers. Uber drivers. Men in elevators or carparks or parks or empty train carriages or the streets around our homes and schools and the places we go to work and have fun. Anywhere that we're alone in an enclosed space or, in fact, any space with a man we don't know and nobody else around. It might be a stairwell. An empty beach. A unisex bathroom. Our own home. Violence against women does not discriminate. The men who rape and murder women do not look a certain way, they don't wear signs or glow in the dark. If only.

So to preserve our safety - and our lives - we must be on constant alert for signs and signals. We must map out imaginary escape routes. We must scan the area for other people who could potentially help us if we screamed. We must walk to our cars with our keys held between our fingers in case we have to fight off an attacker. We must look in the back seats of our cars to make sure nobody is there.

The thing is that this isn't even a big deal. It doesn't take a great toll, this vigilance. We don't walk around feeling terrified. Not even close. Most of the time we're unaware we're even on alert. It's a sixth sense that's baked into being female. Like an app running in the background of our lives.

Listen to our Mamamia Outloud team debate women and safety in public spaces. (Post continues after audio.)

Because we've been conditioned to scan our surroundings for risk and danger since we were girls.

We have the names of other women seared into our minds: Jill Meagher. Anita Cobby. Margie Edwards. Stephanie Scott. Masa Vukotic. Janine Balding. They walk with us on a cellular level and pop into our heads unbidden when we have to make decisions about which way to walk home, where to park our cars, whether to jump out of a cab at the lights because the driver seems a bit....not right, whether to get the uber guy to drop us a few houses away from where we actually live and wait until he's gone before we walk inside.

They are with us when we hear someone walking behind us in an empty street or when we're alone in the house with a man we don't know.

It's this silent thrum of awareness of our own vulnerability that men would never ever realise exists for us.

So what am I trying to say? I just want men to know how that feels. Not because it's their fault. Of course it's not. Most men are good. But explaining to them how vulnerable we feel sometimes and what it's like to walk through our daily lives on some level of alert is something they should know if they want to better understand women.

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Top Comments

Terrified 7 years ago

Not only do I feel like this on a daily basis. I am being forced to live with this as a very real threat.

My neighbour physically assaulted me (completely unprovoked) a few months ago. He has also set fire to my propriety multiple times and carries a large blade. I thought I lived in a civilised neighbourhood! Unbeknownst to me though, the department of Health and
Human Services owns the property next door to my newly purchased home. They refuse to move their tenant on and he is allowed to refuse medical and psychological assistance, despite his violent behaviour. It's absolutely terrifying and no one will help me because "he has rights too".

Even the police can't help me because he denies everything. They say I need to have it happen again with witnesses or on camera. I don't want to become a statistic. A news headline. People say I should sell at a loss and move out, but why should I have to?!

Violence against women: Australia's says "Sure. Why the hell not."

anon 7 years ago

Oh I wish I knew what to say to support you, except that I really feel for you and am outraged that you have to live like this without the powers that be helping you.

And the irony of this is that if you took the law into your own hands, which seems to be the only prospect left to you, you would be locked up and the key thrown away because your actions would be deemed premeditated.


Anon2 7 years ago

Women are just more scared of stuff, end of story. They are not at any greater risk overall, just more scared by nature. The inconvenient truth of their biology.

Guest 7 years ago

I don't think you read this article. Women are generally biologically smaller, and therefore more likely to be overpowered by someone. Historically, more women are raped and/or murdered than men. If you think these facts don't effect the women in your life, then you need to talk to them. We are not scared by choice or nature, it's what has happened to other women in our exact situation - that could be ME walking home, that could be ME going for a jog, that could be ME going to work on the weekend to finish up some lessons... And as the article states, it's mostly a background buzz, but there are times that it comes to the fore - and it's not nice. I would love to never have those feelings. But it's just the world we live in. Please read this article again and think about it from a woman's perspective.

Meg 7 years ago

I have to disagree. Yes, we face some of the same threats as men. That is undeniable. Sometimes it's just a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and gender is not a factor at all. However, it is proven that there is a whole category of people out there who specifically prey on women. The reverse is statistically much less prominent. Therefore, whether we're more scared of stuff or not, women are most certainly at greater risk overall.

Anon2 7 years ago

Crime statistics absolutely disagree with you. Review AIHW or any government crime stats. So why, if men suffer more harm overall through violence, are we less scared generally. Simple. Biology.