Why don’t you just leave?
It’s the one question every domestic abuse victim is haunted by. From the outside, it seems simple: If your partner is beating you, controlling you, or hurting you, just leave. Just. Leave. Just walk out the door, just go.
But it’s never that simple. It’s never that safe.
Right now,women around the world are explaining why. Read their powerful answers:
Let’s remember that the perpetrators of spousal and intimate abuse are masters of control and intimidation. They could be physically holding their victim captive, threatening to harm them or their children, blackmailing them, or putting them in a state of paralysed fear.
An author called Beverly Gooden started the hashtag #WhyIStayed in response to a particularly heinous public case. She began by confessing why she couldn’t leave her abusive marriage, and her bravery inspired other survivors to join in.
Here are some of her reasons for staying in that relationship, told in less than 140 characters:
Gooden started tweeting about her own private anguish after the case of Ray Rice went public. Graphic footage of American footballer Ray Rice beating his wife unconscious and then dragging her body from an elevator emerged…. and it was Rice’s wife who publicly apologised. It was baffling and distressing.
The sound of millions of people asking “Why wouldn’t she just leave?” was deafening.
Read more about the horrific case of Ray and Janas Rice here.
That’s why this response on Twitter — by women around the world — is so powerful. If you’ve ever wondered why someone doesn’t leave an abusive relationship, educate yourself by reading as many tweets as you can. Each one is a very concise story of pain, fear, and ultimately, survival.
If you are affected by abuse, you can receive help via Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. For sexual assault, you can receive help by calling 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732. If you are in immediate danger please call the police on 000.
At Mamamia, we are committed to telling women’s stories in their own voices. We are constantly humbled and moved by the way our readers get in touch to share their experiences. If you want to write or speak about your experience as a survivor of abuse, you are so very welcome to email me at kate@mamamia.com.au
Top Comments
I have something to say. Domestic violence in all its forms is WRONG. As a victim I read this comment thread with interest and am horrified by the amount of commenters who zeroed in on male/female vs female/male. Does it really matter who is doing the abusing? When I went to a support group there were men as well as women there. Its so sad to see such a small thing such as gender come into the equation.
It is true we see more male on female domestic violence in the media. Does that mean there is more male on female domestic violence? Im not qualified to say. It does exist. This im sure of. But as to whether one is more prevalent than another I cannot say. And unless you are a researcher who has done research in this no one is qualified to say. Just because the media portrays one more than the other does not mean the other does not exist.
Unfortunately there is a gender bias. Men are supposed to be tough so we scoff when we hear they are being abused. Women are considered the weaker sex so if she hits a man he is supposed to just shrug it off. Is it right. No. But this does exist.
Perhaps we should encourage the media to report on female on male violence equally. Then perhaps our law enforcement agencies and justice system will come out of the stone age and put gender blinders on when it comes to demestic violence.
Its been 2 weeks since the last and final time that he hit me the final because I knew in the 3 hrs I was held captive in his home and subjected to being thrown,punched and relentlessly showered with his anger that if I didnt get out that I would die I at 4 ft 9 didnt stand a chance against him a 6 ft 8 man of unbelievable strength against mine, his determination and hate towards me that great that the only satisfaction he would get is to make my body lifeless and that in the moment he went into the toilet I made a desperate call to the police because it was the only window period I had to save my own life. But that night wasn't the first, we had been together for 7 months and started of the cliched' way relationships do he wined me, dined me and made me feel a immense amount of love and then it change 3 months ago. It started with him stalking me saying he wanted me to spend time with him, then the demands I stop spending so much time with my friends then came the physical part when one day I didn't answer the right way and he grab my head smashing it up against the door, I forgave him and told my self that he needs help and that with him not having the support of his family that it was upon me to save him to help him because I knew of his good side, so I stayed but increasingly he became more erratic, there where more bruises more mornings that my head was so sore from his unstoppable punches to my head but I told myself that I needed to be more patient that I was over reacting and surely he's good side out weighed the side that turned him into a monster. Then came the second last time where he left me unrecognisable my face that swollen and bruised I would wake up and walk past the mirror and I would jump in shock because the image in the mirror scared me, I lost hearing in my left ear thanks to the blows that I received where so severe that I bled from my brain and in my ear drum, once again lying my head on the pillow would be so painful I would have to slowly ease my head down and I became a hermit because I was ashamed of anyone seeing me. But once again despite nearly dying I had a phone call from him asking to meet me and I once again decided that maybe this time I could help him bury this demonic side and save him, help him because he had no one else but it was a decision that nearly cost me my life and after brutal blows, being held captive in his home and physical and emotional injuries that will need a lifetime of fixing that 8 police kicked his door down and saved me, gave me another chance at life and I realised that fixing him is not my job that he is not going to change and that my life is not worth the sacrifice and that if what we had was true love that I wouldnt be making a second trip in a month to the hospital, everyday I chastise myself for staying, I agonise over every detail of what has happened and I feel sad because of what should have been a beautiful love story turned out to be a nightmare that will stay with me forever that my prince charming wasnt that and never was and that this next chapter while being grateful to be alive will be hard to step into because its now I have to learn to trust again, learn to love again and to learn that despite what he has done it is not the intention of all guys to give love a second chance.