No.
I shan’t be staying silent any longer.
The coffee in America tastes like burnt mixed with sadness with an added teaspoon of disappointment and it’s cruel.
It’s mostly cruel because coffee represents hope and excitement. Joy and laughter. Productivity and comfort. So when you take one big gulp and you realise you’re sipping on some sort of coffee flavoured water infused with ashtray and dirt one cannot help but mutter grumpily, “This. Is. Not. What. I. Ordered.”
You see, I’ve been to the United States three times. I love it. The people are ridiculously friendly, there’s always someone singing and/or dancing in the middle of the street for no reason and 80 per cent of the time they’re actually good, and the quality of their trashy television is unparalleled.
But when I travelled to Hawaii just a few weeks ago, I came with a brand new addiction.
Coffee.
I’d heard the rumours.
“It’s the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth…” said some.
“It’s bitter dishwater,” said others.
One colleague even insisted that she’d much rather have it injected than have to drink it through her mouth hole.
Goodness gracious me.
But nothing could have prepared me for my first coffee experience in the US.
Firstly, it stinks. Like a coffee shop that was set on fire and then maybe urinated upon. Mmmmm.
Secondly, you burned the coffee. It ain’t right. Where is your thermometer?
Thirdly, it’s like they realised it tastes like burning so then poured a carton of cool cream on it plus a few cups of sugar.
If you look closely, the person handing you your coffee actually look a lil’ bit guilty. Because, deep down, they know.
It’s a poor impersonation of coffee and an indictment on the entire industry of warm beverages.
American coffee is the equivalent of zucchini noodles claiming to be pasta. You’re not pasta.
Or sweet potato fries claiming to be real fries. You’re not chips. You’re a poorly disguised vegetable that tastes like earwax.
We all know it’s a lie and it’s not at all okay.
Top Comments
When I was in New York a couple of years ago for a holiday, I prepared myself by telling myself that it really doesn't matter what the coffee is like for just a short time. I surprised myself how much it annoyed me not to be able to easily (there are places in N.Y, but not easy to find) get a cup of coffee. Usually when travelling I hate it when people whinge about local food/drink and compare it constantly with their home country, but I found myself being one of those people when it came to coffee in the U.S.
It's why Starbucks worked over there but not over here - our average coffee places already made better coffee than their franchise stuff...
I'm not sure Starbucks even counts as coffee, given some of the stuff I've seen on Buzzfeed. It seems to be an enormous cup with one small shot of espresso, the rest is milk, sweeteners and ridiculous quantities of flavoured syrups - with whipped cream on top. Barf.