Last year my daughter started kindy. I knew when she started kindy, it would start to dawn on her that she didn’t have a dad – and other kids did.
I’ve always been open about her and her brother’s situation, but she never made comments about her dad until last year. I’m a teacher, and I wanted to be prepared for the questions she, and her brother, might ask. I’ve decided honesty is the best policy.
You see, both of my children are from the same anonymous sperm donor. My daughter is four, my son 20 months old.
The fairytale – meeting a wonderful man, having a family – has been Missing In Action for me. I have had a few good relationships, and two relationships that could best be described as disasters. In my early 30s, I thought ‘If I don’t find Mr Right, I’ll pop to the sperm bank and get some sperm at 40’.
In my late 30s, and in a terrible relationship, I decided come hell or high water I was having kids. I contacted a fertility clinic and started the process.
It’s not as easy as you think to ‘pop down and get some sperm’ to get pregnant. The waiting list are as long as your arm, it’s very expensive, you can’t be too old – and you actually need to be fertile.
Big tip … actually MASSIVE tip: Don’t think you can just fall pregnant because you want to. It might look easy for celebrities to fall pregnant after 40, but it’s not. After 40, it’s hard work, and your fertility plummets into nothingness by 45. At 45, most fertility clinics won’t even take you on with your own eggs as your chance of falling pregnant is zero per cent. Do it earlier rather than later if you can.
I fell pregnant, and Katie was born when I was 40. When I was 42, I desperately wanted a brother or sister for my daughter.
I was sprinting against the fertility clock. Some months my cycle would bust as I ovulated to early. I ran out of embryos and had to harvest a new set. I had to juggle daily blood tests and internal ultrasounds with a toddler in tow, and I nearly ran out of sperm straws from the same donor.
It’s not for the fainthearted, and you don’t have husband or partner to cry to or talk to about IVF’s daily grind.
I finally fell pregnant just after my 43rd birthday.
The big question is – do my children know? My toddler is too young but Katie has started to say things.
Around Fathers Day, she mentioned her dad for the first time. She came running out from the classroom, saying she wanted to give her picture to her dad. I was a little bit shocked, but only because I wasn’t expecting it on that day. I don’t know what day I was thinking it was going to be.
I just said “Sweetheart, you don’t have a dad, but you can give it to Uncle Craig”. She was happy with that.
Then, over Christmas, we went to look at the Christmas lights. Katie pipes up and says “I wish my dad was here”.
I said: “Katie, you don’t have a dad.” She said: “He’s gone away”, but I replied “No, you don’t have a dad. He was never here”.
She seems to accept my answers and moves on with what she is doing. Although she is mentioning her Dad more and more and I know more question will being coming.
I imagine as they get older, the kids will want to know as much information about their donor as possible; how they can contact him (if they want to), what was he like, what does he look like, if he’s in Western Australia (where I live) and if there is a photo.
I do have some information about the donor but no photo. I don’t have any names or contact information. There is a Voluntary Donor registry here in WA where the donor or offspring of donors can put their information to find either their donor parent or their offspring, but it is only a voluntary registry. Information can’t be accessed until the children are over 18 years old.
When, and if, this all happens I strongly believe being as open and honest as possible will be the best approach. If my children want to meet their donor, I will support them every step of the way. I want them to be able to do this together and discuss it with each other. They are their own support team.
I hope that this will help once they hit school and have to answer question from their friends. I’ll encourage them to be open and honest – in fact, I think it’s vital. If they have always known, if I have always talked about it easily and answered any question, I believe they will feel comfortable with it as I do. I’ll tackle each issue as it comes up.
Single Mum’s by Choice are a growing family unit, and I have yet to come across someone who hasn’t been supportive of what I’ve done. My family and friends are all on-side, and if someone isn’t I don’t care. I am too old and busy to care about what some unknown person thinks of my situation. If anything, people are interested and polite when they ask questions. A few times I’ve been asked if I’ll have more. Too funny. Two is enough for one. I only have two hands, one for each. I am happy with that.
I want my kids to have always known they have a donor, not a dad. I feel very strongly about using the word ‘donor’ rather than ‘dad’ so it’s a clear cut line for them. It’s why I wanted to make a book for them. It’s a simple story to introduce the concept for them, they have a donor not a Dad. I have done two version of , one that explains donor conception for young children (IVF) and the second explaining artificial insemination (IUI) for young children. I hope they will help other single mothers explain donor conception to their child.
I have been through both of these treatments to try and fall pregnant.
I have been able to met other Single Mothers by Choice through the SMC site, single mothers groups and via friends. They are an amazing bunch of women creating the family and lives they want.
Here’s my advice. If you want to baby and you’re still meeting Mr Wrong, do it anyway. And do it earlier rather than later. Having my two beautiful children have been hard work, but isn’t all parenting? I would have move mountains to get them, and in fact I have.
So can you.
Julie Cavaney is a senior teacher, the founder of Mumpreneurs WA, Nucerity Consultant and a single mother by choice. Both her children are by an anonymous sperm donor. She has written two children’s books to introduce the of sperm donors to her children.
You can contact Julie at Mumpreneurs WA, on Facebook or on Linkedin.
Top Comments
These poor kids will never know their father. These women are especially selfish, putting their own needs for fulfillment above the needs of the fatherless children they create. IVF and the sperm donor industry should be illegal.
You know they were made with two parents, two eyes and two legs and they belong to them and they are the only ones they'll ever get. If they are missing or don't function properly it a real bummer for them because they deserved better. The difference between a missing leg and a missing father though is that he could be around raising them but he just does not feel like it and their mother prefers it that way. Draw your own conclusions as to how they will feel about getting less than they deserve from him. All people deserve and are owed both parents care and attention and when they get less than they deserve it's tragic.
Don't play around with the definition of words, your a teacher and should know better. Every medical textbook and English Language dictionary gives the first definition of the word Dad as being a father and gives the first definition of the word father as being a male with offspring and gives the first definition of siblings as being the offspring of the same parents. You are just lying when you say they don't have a Dad and that undermines your efforts at telling them the truth and frankly displays incredible insecurity on your part. They will learn for themselves that there are good fathers and bad ones, absent ones and present ones. He's the only father they are ever going to have and he's opted not to raise them. That is the truth. Telling them they don't have a Dad just because he does not happen to be functioning as fathers are supposed to function is a lie and it's rude. Their birth certificates don't have the word "none" on the line for father do they? More likely it's blank or says "unknown". Maybe some day when they meet him he will do the right thing and go with them to the vital records office they can have their father's name in its rightful place on their birth records so they'll be legal kin to his family and all their siblings and other paternal relatives. Don't try and tell the truth by lying to them. Your a teacher you don't get to make up your own definitions any more than you can make up your own spelling. Try really telling the truth: "Of course you have a Dad, he's just not going to be in your life doing what Dad's are supposed to do."
There are many people who deserve better but don't get better. Thems the breaks.
I just want to make the law even Greg. Lets make it so that nobody has a legal obligation to take care of their own offspring then. Get rid of the birth certificate completely and don't write down the names of parents on any piece of paper. Not even an adoption decree. There is no point to legal adoption if your not formally documenting a transfer of responsibility from parent to adoptive parnet to a new adoptive parent. Scrap it and nobody should have a legal obligation to raise any child.parent or from adoptio
The documentation takes place before conception. Law is equal. Not everyone grows up in the same situation. Can't make laws for that.
The documentation is legally unenforceable actually. Ask anyone, ask Olivia M of DCN she's written about the fact that, while the agreement lays out the parties intentions, it is not a legally enforceable method of terminating the parental rights and obligations of a biological parent to his or her offspring the way that guardianship or adoption legally terminates the obligations and rights of a biological parent over his or her offspring. Private contracts/agreements to not raise ones own offspring are not enforceable before or after the birth of a child. This is why there are so many cases where gamete donors are able to go to court after the birth of their child and sue for shared custody; it's always going to be in the best interest of a child to be cared for and supported by both parents because that does not prevent the child from additionally benefiting and being cared for by the partners or spouses of their respective parents. It's always going to be preferable for the parents to cooperate in raising their child jointly with their respective partners as opposed to one of the parents being totally absent and the other parent raising them alone with a partner or spouse. If a person really wants legal parental authority over someone else's child and wants it to stick for 18 years they need to go to court and not gamble on some unenforceable agreement made through an intermediary like a cryo bank. Ask Olivia M of DCN - donor agreements are legally worthless. They establish intention but the court cannot force the parties to comply with it's terms.