Q.
My fiancé and I have been together for four years. We started out hot and heavy, but our sex life fell off a cliff sometime in the second year. I truly did not mind because we were taking care of each other in all the other ways.
Now we are at different colleges, and my libido has gone into overdrive like it’s making up lost time. I have a close guy friend (who I see as ONLY THAT, a friend) and he’s one of the only men I actually spend time with outside of school. The problem is when he touches any part of me (hug, consoling pats, small brushes when sitting next to each other when the friend group is squished together) I feel like I’m on fire and have to break off contact ASAP, or else I feel like I’m being untrue to my fiancé.
I’ve talked to my fiancé about my increased libido, and he thinks it’s great for him, but I only see him once every other month, and my body is screaming at me to ravish my friend. I’ve never dealt with this before; I’ve always been transient between men and quelled my needs.
How do I deal with this without losing my mind and throwing away my fantastic relationship, or ruining the friend group I have now?
Relationship troubles? You need Osher Günsberg’s love advice. (Post continues after audio.)
A.
There are some red flags here. You need to pay attention to what your gut (vis à vis your libido) is trying to tell you.
Yes, long-distance relationships can be challenging. It’s not uncommon to feel unsatisfied. But, it sounds like some of your relationship ennui started before the distance.
Now, number one, don’t act on this temptation.
When we cheat, not only do we harm others, we rob ourselves of clarity, because the inherent betrayal involved in cheating muddies everything, including our real feelings.
Sometimes, the guilt of cheating can trick us into putting our shaky relationship on a pedestal. Conversely, it’s easy to impose faux feelings on someone who represents newness and excitement and a lack of emotional baggage.
What you do need to do is spend some time getting clear on what you want. I don’t mean do you want fiancé or friend. I mean: what do you want out of a partnership? I am assuming that you are young (in your 20s), as you mentioned that you are now at different colleges.
Regardless, maybe you are not ready for this level of commitment with someone.
It’s okay to admit that. It’s also okay to admit that your fiancé, though he’s great and you love him, may not be “the one.”
When I need clarity on a situation, I take actions that help me achieve that. Spend some time alone, without your fiancé or friend group. I'm not talking about a month. Take a weekend, just for you. Use that time to meditate on this.
As corny as it sounds, make lists. Make a list of what you want for yourself, how you envision your future. Make a list of what you want in a partner. Make a list of the ways you feel fulfilled and the ways you feel unfulfilled by your fiancé.
And lastly, if you can, working this out with a therapist’s help would be beneficial. You may need a little guidance.
Taking these actions are part of taking care of yourself. You have to do that before you can make decisions that involve these other people.
This post originally appeared on Ravishly. You can view the original post here.
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Top Comments
If you only see your fiancé every 3 months or so, then you BOTH are likely to be facing the same issue of needing sexual fulfilment. Having already fallen off a cliff, before your new friend, there is a high risk that it is only a matter of time before one of you moves on with someone else. If you want to stay with your partner, I suggest that you talk to your fiancé about the sexual side of the relationship and both of your needs. It sounds like he just made jokes about it previously and you both need to get real.
Being unfaithful now will only further complicate things and not resolve anything other than scratching your itch. In the meantime, try fantasy and sex toys or even porn if that blows your hair back. If you decide to break up with your guy, then you can look forward to new adventures or partners with optimism and excitement rather than having guilt, hurt and drama messing things up.
Stop kidding yourself. If you can't even touch your friend because you're so desperate to f*** him, then he isn't *just* a friend. Your body certainly doesn't think so! Long distance is really hard. If you want your relationship to survive, the only way it will do so is if you cut out all temptation, and have more sex with your partner.
That said, if you're so young that you're still in college, and you've only been together for 4 years and your sex life has already long since fallen "off a cliff" then get the heck outta there. There is a long and exciting life full of sexual adventures ahead of you, they just aren't going to be with your current fiance.
You can get friendship from your friends. You need your sexual thrills to come from your partner, or you are facing a life time of no/mediocre sex or cheating.