By ROSIE WATERLAND
Attention anyone reading this who has a vagina: You’re doing it wrong.
Have you been sucked in by doctors and their crazy lies about the vagina being a ‘self-cleaning’ organ? Shame on you! Don’t you know that lady-parts are icky and smell gross and nobody will ever want to have sex with with you unless you buy all the necessary products? Now get a to a supermarket quick smart and stock up on some of these lady-sentials:
1. Deodorant
Can’t stand the natural smell of your vagina? Good – there’s plenty of products for that. Why smell ‘icky’ and ‘fishy’ when you can smell ‘fresh’ and like ‘tropical rain’? Sarah Silverman tried to discourage the vag-deoderant movement with this Public Service Announcement:
But obviously she hasn’t seen all the commercials that explain if your special place doesn’t smell like delicate water that’s dripped off a rose petal into a lily pad, you’re doing it wrong.
2. Crotch Sweat Liners
How you dare to sweat when you’re working out? I don’t care what MM’s fitness blogger Nat said in her recent post here, sweating is clearly not natural and we are so lucky that companies make products to stop it from happening.
3. Baby Wipes ‘Fresh’ and ‘Sexy’ Wipes
Have you been having sex without first running to the bathroom to wipe yourself with a moist, garden-scented, KFC-style towelette? You’re doing it wrong. Forget contraception – wiping down with an adult baby-wipe is the only thing you should be thinking about in the moments before getting lucky.
4. Douches
Obviously, your vagina is extremely disgusting and in constant need of thorough cleaning (with pleasantly scented wash inserted via a tube, natch). Women who DON’T douche must have cobwebs up there or something. And who cares about the vaginal irritation and bacterial vaginosis – that’s a small price to pay for a freshly-douched vag. If you’re not buying this product, you’re doing it wrong.
4. Vagina bleacher
WHAT? Your vagina isn’t WHITE? Do I even need to say it? You’re doing it wrong. Just like this girl:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9Tx9vVVMWw0
5. Vagina-Cooling underwear
Does your body regulate its own temperature? That’s weird, man. Why allow your body to keep your vagina from spontaneously combusting when you can wear undies that use skin-regulating technology from NASA. NASA!
Is that street on fire? Lucky she’s got that cooling underwear on.6. Vagina Mints
You expect anyone to want to go down on you without a mint inserted into your vagina?
EWWWW.
That is so selfish. If someone is prepared to navigate their way through the fishy, mysterious cesspool that is your lady-bits, the least you could do is stick a Fisherman’s Friend up there first.
It’s just good manners.
Top Comments
Wow; I thought this was serious at first. xD
Nice job
New rule: Every comment must have Hugh Laurie in it.
x
Fantastic piece Rosie..........you must be wondering why some people aren't sure if it's "tongue-in-cheek"?
I reckon it's because this is an area of advertising aimed at women totally based on fear - but few people question it.
In some cultures, women are presented in such a negative way (right down to their intimate bits) that advertising companies must have been salivating at thought of the enormous wads of cash to come from scaring women to bits.
In Australia we know better - don't we ?
We have great bull-shit detectors when it comes to advertising spin and would-be dictators...........well, that's what I thought.
I see women & young girls with shaken confidence over the very bodies they live in.........are they thin enough, beautiful enough,,..fragrant enough ?
Well, all they need is warm running water and this one vital ingredient.
A sense of humour.
Thanks Rosie for helping them on their way............xxx's