There have been a few times this past month that I’ve been asked when I am having kids. Each time, I have given my now standard response – that I am an aunt and I have lots of kids in my life.
In the past couple of months, I have finally felt completely and utterly comfortable saying it.
Partly this comes after a recent conversation I had with a wonderful business mentor. We were simply going through the general life stuff when I noted I didn’t have kids and wasn’t planning on any. Rather, I’m an aunt and I love how the kids in my life force me to shut away from my business when I see them. I simply cannot check my phone when I’m with them – for one, they wouldn’t let me, and two, I wouldn’t want to, I’m simply focused on them and play. My beautiful mentor noted a wonderful Super Soul Conversations podcast episode with Oprah and Elizabeth Gilbert in which both women talk about how some women are born to be aunts, not mothers. I connected so wholeheartedly with both women as they spoke about this.
My wonderful partner and I have been together for 12 years, so we’ve had a good 11 years of questions about offspring. At a point in my late 20s, the sometimes-relentless questioning from friends and strangers made me question my decision. Inside, this conversation ate me up. But on the surface, I was saying anything that would make people believe that I liked kids. I even left a job because I had many people telling me I couldn’t do that particular job and have kids, and I even used that excuse for my resignation. I was caught up in what I thought I should be doing, not what I truly wanted to do. And I was caught up in this perception that if you don’t want kids, you don’t like kids.
In my early 30s, I owned my decision to not have kids and rebutted perceptions that this meant I didn’t like kids. My friends and family will tell you that at most gatherings, I am the one playing with the kids. I sit down and chat with them about their day. I teach my nieces yoga. I go to imaginary lands with my nephew and I swoon over my baby niece and every other baby that comes my way. I love kids! And I want to spend time with them as an aunt. As a confidant. As a teacher. As a friend. I believe this is one of my purposes in life.
As someone who learnt a lot from a rocky childhood and does not have a relationship with their mother, I know the sheer importance of aunts and uncles, and other people that we bring into our lives through childhood (and adulthood) to help us learn to be better humans. I am so honoured to have this privileged role and to have the many kids in my life that bring me such joy. I am grateful for every moment and everything I learn about them and about myself through my time with them.
I am also grateful that a large selection of the population are born to be mothers and fathers. I am in awe when I watch my friends and family members parent.
While I have covered my feelings here, the decision not to have children was and is not mine alone. I acknowledge that. I have a wonderful partner in my life. He’s a pretty cool uncle – just ask the kids that hang off him, run to see him when he arrives at their house and ask me where he is when I rock up to their house without him.
Shelly Horton on being childfree by choice. Post continues after audio.
Our childless life is pretty amazing.
But in saying all of this, I acknowledge this is not every childless person’s experience. And it’s important to note this. My experience of being questioned about when I will have children by strangers is unsettling. I can’t help but think that if this happens to me it is happening to my friends and women I don’t know who are fighting a battle you cannot see. They are praying this round of IVF will work. They are beating themselves up thinking their body is against them. They are deciding if solo parenting is a path they want to take. And they are struggling with so many more questions. They deserve our love and support, they don’t deserve the questions that continuously break their heart as they smile and fumble an answer designed to close the conversation. So please consider your questions carefully.
And if you are questioning a young woman who speaks about her decision not to have kids, don’t tell her she will change her mind or give her a talk about how you never know love until you have children.
Respect her decision, respect her as a person.
Some may change their minds, and that is OK. Some don’t change their mind, and that is OK. We’re all human and we have the freedom to choose what we want in life.
For me, I chose to be an aunt.
Top Comments
Thank you so much for saying this, it really resonated with me. I am still young but I have never wanted kids and can't really fathom being pregnant or a mother, it just doesn't interest me whatsoever. That being said, I can't think of anything I love more than being the favourite aunt of my two nephews with more on the way. I also had a rocky childhood and have no relationship with my mother but I did have a significantly older sister that basically took on that role. At family gatherings I am always the one looking after and playing with all the kids (most commonly my nephew who is currently 5). My sisters will generally be on their phones or trying to have an adult conversation and completely ignoring their kids, glad to get a brief period where they can have that opportunity. I prefer having the flexibility that when I am around kids I can make them my whole world because everything else can be done later, they are my priority. I am also very introverted and do get exhausted being around them for longer periods of time which is another reason I don't think I would do well as a mother. If I was with kids full-time there is a lot less that I would be available to do, I would need my own babysitters in order to do anything, instead of almost always being available to help my sisters out with that. I worry about my closer nephew constantly, he has often told me that he doesn't always feel loved by his parents (they are generally focused on trying to get stuff done, sleep in or have some alone time). He is extremely energetic and gets bored very quickly so he can be a lot more than a handful, most of the time others just ignore him, or treat him as a nuisance that needs to be looked after and so that is what he feels that he is. This has gotten worse with his mum getting married just over a year ago and now having a new baby girl that gets all the attention. I love my nephew so much and I really understand what he is going through, so whenever possible I try to take the time to hang with him, giving him my full attention and making sure that he knows that he is loved and not just a monster that needs to be detained to prevent the house from getting wrecked. I never want to be a mother but I never want to stop being a close aunt. My mormon family and religious friends just can't comprehend this so I get lots of questions about how many kids I want and when. I do my best to gloss over it so they don't try and convince me or look at me like I am a heartless monster. I loved reading this and the comfort in that I am not the only one struggling with this.
Lovely article. I always wanted to have children, and 10 years of challenging fertility, many, many miscarriages, and a stillbirth, and I found myself in the position of being 30 and childless, whilst my sister and all of my friends had multiple children. So, rather than making a choice to be childless, I was faced with the prospect that i had to accept that I was just childless. However, fast forward a couple of years, and Doctors suddenly found what my issue was, and told me, that given a lot of pre-natal care and patience, I could possibly have children. But by this time, I think I had got to where you are in this article, where I had accepted, and was content with my childlessness. Where I had seen multiple friends and even my own sister tell me, they love their kids, but if they went back they wouldnt have them. Where, I realised, that I wasnt sure I was so committed to the idea anymore. I am a dedicated Aunt, and Godmother of several children, and I am a constant babysitter. Noone loves the children around me more than I do. But finally, I am at peace with my decision to not have children, and I really wish other people would understand that. Thank you for this article.