“I believe there is a glass ceiling – if we tell them there isn’t one, we are telling them a lie.”
The headmistress at a prestigious independent girls’ school has sparked controversy by telling girls they have to choose between motherhood and a career — and soon.
Vivienne Durham, head teacher at Francis Holland Regent’s Park in the United Kingdom, told Absolute Education magazine that we need to stop “lying” to girls by saying they can “have it all” when they grow up.
In the interview, Durham says that telling girls they should be aiming for both a successful career and a family is setting them up for failure.
“I’m sorry, I’m not a feminist. I believe there is a glass ceiling – if we tell them there isn’t one, we are telling them a lie,” she said.
“Young girls have massive options these days and some of them will make a decision that they don’t want to combine everything and that is as valid as making the decision that you do want to combine everything.”
Ms Durham, who was awarded Tatler’s Best Headteacher of a Public School last year, added that women have a “biological calendar” that defines their decisions — and that those decisions should be made as soon as possible.
“We all have a biological calendar and you have to make decisions about your entire working life, which probably goes up to about 77 now, but you have to make decisions about 40 per cent of your life early on,” she said.
“Women still have to plan for a biological fact – i.e. motherhood.”
Ms Durham, who is due to retire in January, added that she hopes things will change to allow women to have the choice to “combine everything”. But that didn’t stop many commentators from taking issue with her remarks, with some critics questioning why she was treating parenthood as a woman’s concern only.
“By warning only girls about career/family conflict, we aren’t including 50% of the solution,” Becky Wragg Sykes tweeted.
The controversial comments were discussed on the Today show’s Mixed Grill segment, where Sarrah Le Marquand and Lisa Wilkinson dismissed Ms Durham’s comments as unhelpful and “ridiculous.”
“I’m so glad I didn’t go to a school where Vivienne Durham was headmistress. Because what she’s doing is she’s completely closing these girls down from future opportunities,” Wilkinson said during the Monday episode.
“A headmistress that’s losing girls down like that shouldn’t be a headmistress at all.”
Le Marquand pointed out that it was hard to see what Ms Durham hoped her students would get out of the suggestion they should choose now between family and a career.
“Even if you think you decide, what then? Do you say, I’ll do homework because i’m not going to get married? What if you decide you only want to get married and get children — then you don’t do homework?” she asked.
“And how would we respond if boys were being taught this? What if your son was being taught at school, you have to decide now, do you want to be a father and a husband or do you want to have a job? You’d be furious…
“It’s just absolutely ridiculous.”
Francis Holland, the former school of Cara Delevingne, Jackie Collins and Jemima Khan, charges the equivalent of $28,000 in annual fees per student.
What do you think of Vivienne Durham’s advice to girls?
Top Comments
I'm a mum of two kids under two and when I was pregnant with my second I remember having many discussions with my mum about how I was feeling as I was needed more at home. How to deal with the dynamic shift of my husband working full time and me being at home with the kids. Ive stopped working (paid employment!) until the kids are at school. Although I loved my job and was doing really well it's just not possible to give 100% to both roles, we decided to have kids so I feel I owe it to them to be there majority of the time in the early years. Yes I know we are lucky that we can afford for me to stay at home, that being said we aren't loaded and have just had to adjust to the new income level. I will hopefully back to my career one day.
Women can "have it all" but we've got to stop believing it's happens all at once.
Can't agree more!
It's the reality, why not at least tell them that?
I also have two kids under 3 and was made redundant while on second maternity leave. In my industry - I'm a maritime civil engineer - there's no part time jobs, there's hardly any women ...looked for a couple of months and then decised to stay at home with them until they go to school.
I didn't have kids to have other people to raise them, this is my parenting and understand other don't have the luxury to stay at home but not going back full time with two toddlers at home.
So my career is on hold because motherhood, that doesn't wait.
I'll have the rest of my life to work on my career but only a. Couple of years with my babies
Its true. And same does apply to men. My husband has a great career and while he does make an effort to be around for our kids (drives them to school when they have to be there early) reschedules meetings so he can make important events at school and works from home at night so he can be home to have dinner with us, I am the one doing the bulk of it. And thats because I gave up my career. If we both had demanding careers we would have to employ a nanny to do everything I do or just let it slide. We know families who have managed 2 demanding fulltime careers with kids and they can manage when they're little. Once they hit high school nearly always one of them scales right back or opts out. Its just too hard and the kids do let you know when they're not getting enough attention.
Chillax you are always first to justify the stay at home opt out female role model. you are obviously very sensitive about this. We have managed a good mix with a busy life of two full time roles and have both excelled in out careers. Our kids both now at uni have had a real life example of sharing parenting and earning. Your 1950s advice does not work for women who are highly capable and qualified nor are trusting that their hubby will never get sick or shag the secretary at work. i honestly feel our children have missed out on very little but i can nominate many women really struggling once their kids grow up and their stay at home mum role looks pretty bare.
Its great that you have managed to make it work! I am simply reflecting upon the lives of people I know well who couldnt and one of the couple had to scale back or opt out because it wasnt working for their families. These people were very highly paid professionals and to them the sacrifice and hard work wasnt worth it and they felt they werent enjoying their lives and their kids were missing out. I dont know how kids can be well cared for and raised when both parents are working 60 plus hours a week. If you can pull that off without a nanny more credit to you.
And thats what its all about. Every family is different and what works beautifully for one family is a rushed shambolic life for others and thats what our children need to understand. Life isnt about charging ahead with careers and not taking time to consider that at some stage family might take priority and thats ok too. For future reference saying my views are 1950's isnt an insult either. Most of my SAHM friends have an alphabet soup of qualifications after their names and we're all educated and smart enough to know that you only get out of parenting what you're prepared to put into it.
Not everyone who works full time is working 60 hours a week.
I didnt say that! I was referencing my friends who did who decided for one of them to scale back and/or quit because they were in industries that couldnt accomodate 9-5 as is the case for many high paying corporate and professional roles.