by ANONYMOUS
Two years ago I had an abortion. Two years ago to the day I had to make one of the most soul-crushing and horrific decisions of my life.
Christopher* and I had been together for three years and we’d been discussing starting a family for the last six months. He was in his early 40’s and starting to feel time was slipping away from him. I was in my early 20’s and could think of nothing better than having children with the love of my life.
We were away on a business trip when I discovered I was pregnant. Overjoyed, I began making OB/GYN appointments back home, looking at baby clothes and buying baby books by the dozen. If Christopher wasn’t quite as excited as me, I chalked it up to work stress and figured he would be more excited once we’d seen the ultrasound.
The day we flew home I drove straight to my doctor and she booked my eight week scan for the following Thursday. Christopher was holding my hand when we saw our baby for the first time – not much more than a blip on the screen but hearing that little heartbeat suddenly made it real. This was really happening!
Christopher chose that night to tell me he couldn’t do it. “I saw the excitement on your face today and I just don’t feel it. I’m sorry but I can’t.” Needless to say, I was crushed…furious…bewildered…scared.
For the next four days I ran the gamut of emotions from A-Z, trying to work out what had happened, what I was going to do. By the Sunday Christopher had come to a decision. He sat down with my parents and I, looked me dead in the eye and informed me that he didn’t love me; I was free to do whatever I liked but he would make me fight for every penny of child support and he wanted no part of this child’s life.
In the space of four days I had gone from the belief I was bringing a child into a loving family to the knowledge I was about to be a single parent at 22. Without a full time job and nothing but a $16,000 car loan to my name I was trapped between the proverbial rock and hard place, not knowing how to live with either decision.
Looking back, I don’t remember much about that time except a vague sense of drowning. I found an amazing counselor who first helped me reach my decision to terminate…then he helped me live with that decision. It’s taken a really long time but I’ve finally made my peace with everything that happened.
Over the last year I’ve found the strength to open up and talk to others about it. What has surprised me is the number of women who know exactly the pain I went through. Though not polite dinner party conversation, so many of us have been there in one way or another and realising that I’m not alone has somehow made each day that much easier. If I can help just one other person feel less isolated then going public with my story has been worth it.
*Name has been changed for privacy reasons.
The author of this post is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous.
Top Comments
This comment is not directed at Ashleigh or others who have done this but more a general comment on abortion. I don't understand why the choice is go it alone as a single mother or abortion. I completely understand there are situations where bringing a child into the world would not be good but why is adoption so rarely considered? There are so many childless couples that would cherish and adore these children and give them the life they deserve? A terrible situation could become a wonderful gift to someone.
And I don't blame the mothers for not choosing this option, I think society in general doesn't encourage it (especially in this day and age where everyone assumes the right to comment on people's lives) and I think the government makes it very difficult for a couple to adopt (yes, screen the hell out of them so we don't give children to evil people but I think the age cut off could be reviewed).
I just wish when this situation arises people consider this as a serious option.
Because, as I said below, it involves 9 months of pregnancy and birth, neither things that are known to be entirely safe or comfortable. Plus the trauma afterwards.
I feel for those childless couples, I really do, but at the end of the day it's absolutely not about them.
I have been pregnant and given birth before so I understand first hand it's not without risk.
I'm not getting on my high horse and saying everyone must choose adoption, I am simply saying I wish these discussions weren't divided into 2 camps of "keep the baby " or "abortion".
I too had an abortion three months ago. It was the hardest decision to ever make and the worst thing that I have ever done in my life. I wish I could turn back time and have my baby. People judge to easily about how many children you have, how old you are and if you could cope. I was scared to go through another pregnancy and labour without support. No support from the Doctor or abortionist. It was all negative and they basically sold me an abortion. It was horrible to say the least. I cry every day as I was in a venerable position and didn't know who to turn too for support. I just wished someone would of taken my hand and said "everything's going to be all right". No one ever did. They told me it was only a "ball of cells". I'm sure the nurse was paid to say that. As we are all made up of cells. I was pro-life before and even more strongly pro-life now. I will never forgive myself for stopping the beating heart of my baby. I confess, I am a murderer. I don't judge others on their decision, it is hard. I judge myself, and wish now I was stronger and never did it. I'm going to have to live with this awful decision for the rest of my life. No one else does, only me. I will be forever sad.
I'm a bit confused about the fact that you say you're pro-life and chose to have an abortion. I'm pro-choice so I do not judge your decision to terminate, nor would I attempt to deny or invalidate your sadness about having done it. You seem to be blaming the medical professionals who assisted you with the termination though, which doesn't seem fair. You made a choice. It's not their responsibility to talk you out of it.
I'd say there was more to the story. Could be health complications, age could be a factor. Or maybe she was coerced into it to by her boyfriend/partner/husband?..You just would not know unless you were there yourself. I guess until a person actually goes through something like this it is easy to speculate. So many things to take into consideration that no one knows about and what the health professionals actually said. Some are nice, some are just blatant and treat you like another number without any sympathy. So many variables. Who knows??