By GEMMA ASKHAM.
There’s no easy way to say it: you’ve been doing sex wrong. Nope, you’ve got the basics right – that goes in there, possibly there (ask first).
But your timing is out of whack.
This isn’t about orgasming at the same time – hey, we’re not all Hollywood movie directors – we’re talking about upping your chances of orgasming at all.
Because an orgasm rarely happens in these circumstances: If the only time your naked bodies convulse is when both your necks jolt up after accidentally falling asleep. If five hours ago you needed a coffee to have the strength to type an email.
Rule 1: Sex is always more important than loading the dishwasher.The end of the day is not sex o’clock, it’s sleep o’clock. Think of the enthusiasm you had taking off your make-up – and that involved moving one face wipe four inches. Sex requires nudity, actual muscle use, and possibly more wiping up. It’s no wonder a new study found Australians are having less sex than a decade ago: we’re all fackered. That’s attempting to fuck while knackered.
Example: My boyfriend and I had been dating for a few months when we went to Paris, land of epic romance. Because we wanted to maximise the romance, we did not fuck first thing when we were fresh as a daisies and excited with life and each other. No. We wanted to wait until we had seen Paris. Until we had spent seven hours walking the streets, an hour in the rain at the Eiffel Tower, after we had endured a blazing, angry row over where to eat, and then got very drunk on ‘romantic’ drinks.
Which, of course, meant that we didn’t have sex once that trip.
So it’s time to introduce daylight saving for our sex lives and start bringing the sexy time forwards.
US sex writer Dan Savage is taking the #fuckfirst mantra to a larger scale: fucking before you’re knackered, before you’re married, before your actual wedding reception if you’re about to get married. The man is a realist when it comes to our sex life and stamina levels.
He was recently on the receiving ending of Twitter hate from right-wing extremists when he made a joke that the Duggar family did not #fuckfirst. You know the Duggars – the American family with 101 kids. Oh sorry, 19 kids – that’s Dalmatians. They are fundamentalist Christians who do not let their kids do much first: dad auditions their dates, there’s no holding hands until they’re engaged, and their first kiss must take place at the altar. Or on Instagram – hey, they’re moving with the times where publicity is concerned.
Lights on. Daylight preferable. Early sex or no sex.But as Savage perfectly points out: “Sexual incompatibility leads to divorce, so it’s a good idea to establish the shit out of sexual compatibility before marriage. Despite their strong pro-family values, evangelical Christians have higher than average divorce rates – more likely than Americans who claim no religion.” Quite.
And as for the idea that scheduling sex isn’t romantic – well, haven’t we inadvertently been scheduling sex our whole lives anyway? At least fucking first makes sex more important than loading the dishwasher. Which it always, ALWAYS should be.
What would you put before sex?
Top Comments
As a grammar pedant (and seeing that the orgasm topic isn't getting a lot of commenting) can I point out that it should be 'uninterested'? 'Disinterested' means you are objective in the sense of not having an interest in the outcome as a judge or arbitrator should be.
I'd say that another reason that Christians get divorced is because they bottle all their feelings up and pretend that everything is perfect. For example, instead of telling their partner that they don't like it when they leave toe nail clippings all over the floor, they fester on it. And all those little things build up til... BAM!
It's ridiculous to apply this to only christians, or to all christians, or even most or many christians. This is a thing people do. People. All kinds.
I'm pretty sure they wrote "evangelical Christians" - which is most definitely a subset! An extremist one at that.
Amanda's comment is in reply to what guest wrote about christians bottling up their feelings till it goes bang. Not to the article's comment about evangelical christian's and the higher divorce rate.
I agree with Amanda, it's definitely not only Christians that bottle up their feelings till the shit hits the fan, heaps of athiests, agnostics and people of other religions do this too! Although having lots of christian friends, I find they are more likely to bottle up their feelings about their sexual problems I think it's because they think it's taboo to talk with anyone about sex as well as believing wrongly that sex should be like it is on tv. I used to often be the one friend my christian friends could come to about sex, because I wasn't restricted by christian rules about sex and also cause I understood as I used to be a christian just like them. I don't know how many friends have shyly come to me and it took me a while to figure out they wanted to talk about sex. Then the amount I said that it's almost never like it is on tv, and seeing their releived faces after just that one piece of advice. It seemed the only talk about sex amongst the young adults who were married, was bragging about getting sex and all the different areas of the house they'd done "it" to their unmarried friends. Once I left the church and started behaving like a typical person my age, I was able to boldly confront these bragging marrieds with statements like " yeah but how long does it last? 15 seconds?" Or in private to the ladies "are you getting pleasure from it, or is he getting his rocks iff, then rolling over and sleeping?" So often the ladies would admit that they weren't enjoying it, but they were doing it to keep him happy!!! I set myself a goal of stopping this in its tracks. I helped numerous people open up and talk with their partners about mutual pleasure. A couple even got divorced cause it was established that their men didn't care if they enjoyed themselves or not. Quite a few men even didn't realise that women didn't get ultimate pleasure from just penetration, that women have clitorises that need attention!! Seriously!! So yeah a lot of christian marriages have problems, but it's not exculsively a christian problem