reality tv

Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: We need to talk about Robert.

Goodness.

Osher is very busy tonight and he shan’t be engaging in small talk.

He scurries down from the air conditioning vent, where he’s been watching Ivan’s audition tape for Step Up: The Avocados, to remind the boiz that Ali is here for love and not for an Abyssinian donkey.

He pulls a single date card out from behind his ear, blows on it three times for good luck, and scurries back up to help Ivan follow his dance dreams.

the bachelorette recapthe bachelorette recap

A man called Taite, who is well acquainted with the alpacas, gets the single date.

Ali and Taite go on a treasure hunt which is not a thing adults do, but Osher spent all his pocket money on it so we'll just go along with it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Back at the mansion, Charlie would like to start some shit but Osher sticks his head out of the air conditioning vent and tells him to save it for the cocktail party pls.

Ali pretty much decides to marry Taite on the spot so we can all pack up and go home now.

Ooooooh but wait.

We unpack the best moments from Ali's latest week in the mansion on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio. 

It's group date time and there be a twist.

Ali's best friend and cousin have come to judge the boiz in person, rather than based on their Facebook posts from 2011.

They ask Paddy if he's here to fall in love and he replies, "Yeah I really do", which is four new words for him.

He then claps because he's 28.

Cool.

the bachelorette recap
"BLONDE HAIR"

CHARLIE BE WEARIN' A SALMON BLAZER AND HE'S NOT HERE TO MESS AROUND PLS.

He tells them Bill is a sneaky sneak who was once a David and is now a Bill. He says Bill tells Ali what she wants to hear and no matter how many times he points at THE F*CKIN DOOR he shan't be using it.

the bachelorette recap
"IT'S JUST OVER F*CKIN THERE."
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Oh.

Here comes Robert and he's doin' a weird.

Ali's friends ask him for the gossip but he has a Ted Talk prepared and he won't be toleratin' interruptions.

He says he wants to know whether Ali has done THE WORK and also the MODULES and the MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTIONS. It becomes immediately clear that Robert has been possessed by the spirit of a motivational speaker who still be graftin' even in the afterlife.

the bachelorette recap
"MY PROGRAM WILL CHANGE HER LIFE."

Robert packs up his PowerPoint presentation and Ali's friends immediately go to warn her about the... red flags.

They tell her they're impressed with Charlie and his extensive knowledge of entries and exits. He would be very handy in a fire, you see.

They then move on to Robert and his new role as a motivational speaker.

Her cousin says he wouldn't fit into the family, mostly because he'd be wearing a headset and running up and down the aisles telling people to get excited about their lives, when they just want to eat some ham at Christmas lunch.

Meanwhile, the boiz are sitting around and Charlie decides it's time to remind Bill about THE F*CKIN DOOR.

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Bill tells Charlie to stop being so obsessed with him, but Charlie only has one role in this series - to point at things and yell - and he ain't about to start slackin' off.

the bachelorette recap
"I SEEN THE F*CKIN DOOR"

Ali turns up and interrupts Charlie's latest pointing session which is disappointing tbh.

She takes Robert for a chat. He pulls out his PowerPoint presentation and Robertsplains THE WORK to her.

the bachelorette recap
"YOU JUST NEED TO DO 1 THROUGH TO 23."

He keeps telling Ali she needs to do THE WORK but she's an influencer on a reality TV show and shan't be doing any real work for at least another 18 months.

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PAUSE.

It's rose ceremony time and Robert's concerned he hasn't recruited Ali for his 10 week program yet.

Ali hands out a few roses to some Daniels and then asks to talk to a Danny outside.

She sends him home because she cannot hear a word he says and he utters something at a pitch only dogs can hear.

the bachelorette recap robert
*crickets*

Osher then does an emergency scurry down the wall to tell the boiz Ali is going to send someone else home.

Robert begins to panic that he didn't get her credit card details and billing address before the rose ceremony 'cause now she might never get to do THE WORK.

But he needn't worry, Ali loves a good subscription model and she's decided to keep him around.

Pete, a man I have never seen before in my life, is sent home.

He seemed... nice. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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Catch up on the recaps here: 

Episode 1: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A kiss leaves the men fuming. 

Episode 2: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man breaks the bro code.

Episode 3Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A tug-of-war sparks an epic feud between two men.

Episode 4: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man brings up “the stairs” and is shown the door.

Episode 5Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: Two men face off in a double date decider.

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