It seems Facebook may be very bad news for your relationship.
The social networking site has been named as a main factor in a large number of divorce proceedings in both the US and UK. According to The Australian “Facebook pages were increasingly being cited in evidence as ‘unreasonable behaviour’, including flirtatious messages or e-mails and chats of a suggestive or sexual nature.”
Mamamia reader Sally* knows this all too well. And she needs your advice:
Sally* writes
I have a problem with the amount of time my husband spends connected to his phone, not talking on it, but texting and checking his Facebook. While we all love Facebook and have our own level of addiction, my issue isn’t so much about the time spent on it but more about the people he is connecting with.
.We are a high achieving professional couple with an only child and sadly we have what you might call a “challenged” relationship. While we are trying to work on our issues (the usual: I want to talk, he doesn’t, I’m emotional, he’s not, I want to feel loved, he doesn’t seem to care, I want more love making, he’s not interested …). In the mean time I am becoming jealous of the time he spends on his phone, the secret-ness of it and I am threatened by the connections he is making.
My main concern is that my husband has a number of very attractive, single women as Facebook friends that are acquaintances through his work all over Australia and overseas. He comments with a few of them on their Facebook walls with flirty little comments and smiley faces. All quite harmless really until I snuck a look at the personal messages one day. It was messages to one girl about wanting to catch up and it was lovely to see you again. Such messages cut to the core when your marriage is on rocky ground – and of course I can’t help but think the worst. What interests me is that these women can see he is married from his status and the family photos and they still “flirt” openly on Facebook.
To be honest, when I see this I feel like Facebook messaging these girls and letting them know that this man has a wife and a child and would you please refrain from getting too close to my husband, in other words: Back off! But of course it could all be harmless and an important part of life connecting with other people though work and other interests. But what happens when this threatens how secure someone feels in a marriage, and what happens when this contact inflates someone’s ego?
The new age of telecommunications has made it very easy for men and women to be in contact with friends in a very flirty and perhaps not always innocent way. Has the era of texting and Facebook made it easier to get to know someone that could then lead to an affair?
I know I sound jealous and paranoid … and to be honest I am. Our marriage isn’t strong and I question what these women think they are doing. Is it just an ego boost for all involved (sadly at my expense). These friendships in no way include me – they are work related but became personal ‘friendships’ very quickly. Is this a good thing in society today or will this continue to challenge relationships and lead to the further down fall of the institution of marriage?
I have caught my husband before developing a close ‘text’ relationship with a woman in another country following a series of work trips – 10 texts a day and the occasional phone call – so I’ve been burnt before. When I raise it with him he just tells me to grow up and when I admit that I’ve looked at his phone he goes into a rage about how disgraceful I am and no wonder he is so unhappy with me. It’s not easy to decide how to address these issues when you are in your 40’s and you don’t want to be a single mum or forced away from your child every 2nd week – and when you really want your marriage to work and be happy and loving.
Has anyone faced a similar problem? I’m starting to feel like I want to throw his bloody phone in the pool or the toilet! Thanks for any advice anyone can provide.
Top Comments
Blech, what a yucky situation! You have my sympathy, Sally.
I would advise you to follow that beautiful old prayer, and have the serenity to accept what you cannot change, the courage to change what you can and the wisdom to know the difference. You cannot control other people's behaviour, and frankly these women and your husband sound no more friendly than I have seen some colleagues be with each other. The women are strangers to you, and their behaviour is out of your control. BUT your husband is not, and I think you can ask him to modify his behaviour.
I would be asking your husband to modify his relationship with these women - communicating with them less frequently, and getting the relationship back on a work track, and keeping it to reasonable hours.
I would also talk to your husband and see if both of you can make a commitment to each other to prioritise the face to face communications you have with each other, by taking Facebook off your phones, or at least by banning them from the bed. If you must have them in the bedroom, don't check them in bed. Keep the bed for connecting with each other, talking about your day, about your plans for tomorrow, for physical connection with each other.
That's my advice - and keep in mind that I'm single, with no significant relationships under my belt, and only a couple of sexual experiences! Just in the interests of full disclosure :-)
Good luck with everything Sally, I hope your husband is able to accept you reaching out to him and reach back to you. God bless you and your family.
I was in exactly the same situation. Never saw anything concrete, just lots of flirty conversations and 'detail - hiding' stories like I just caught up with a 'friend' but no name, wouldn't tell me how long / where he met anyone, would say he didn't 'get up to much' on the weekend but then I'd find out little bits and pieces.
For me, it turned out that he had been cheating on me. But even if that wasn't true - how happy are you feeling like this all the time? The paranoia? Always looking - even when you're not finding anything? What is this doing to your self esteem? I'll bet you're becoming increasingly erratic and even things that are inane become intense. You bottle it all up and he defends his actions with "why don't you trust me" etc etc. You don't have to defend how he makes you feel.
If you have told him how you feel and he doesn't stop - while knowing what it's doing to you - he's not worth it.